tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9211194461308364182024-03-18T16:03:56.059+13:00Mrs D Is Going WithoutI used to be a boozy housewife. Now I'm not. This is my blog.
Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.comBlogger440125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-86836813861769575202021-10-05T14:56:00.002+13:002021-10-05T14:56:23.979+13:00Ten years sober and fifty years old!<p>I've been having a very reflective time of late - reaching some monumental milestones in my life.</p><p>A few weeks back I celebrated ten years sober. TEN! What a milestone. And in just over one week I'll be turning 50 years old. Also a pretty big milestone.</p><p>Celebrating ten years of sobriety was really cool. It's so easy for me to not drink now, I don't hanker, crave or wish for booze in my life ever. But I still have to front up to all my emotions in the raw every single day.. so being sober makes a big difference to my day-to-day life. Celebrating milestones is important, I think, and because it was such a lovely big round number I got some great feedback from friends and family on ten years. My mum sent flowers! And Mr D gave me a gorgeous daisy necklace.</p><p>Ten years is a lot of days of never numbing or bending my brain chemistry. A lot of days of showing up every moment with a 100% wide open brain, pure intention and gutsy attitude. Whatever happens - tricky stuff, emotional stuff, delicate stuff, uneasy stuff.. I deal with it head on. Rah!</p><p>Anyone who chooses to live without booze is a goddam hero. Whether you're on day 10 or year 10, you're a legend. We all deserve huge praise and admiration from ourselves and those around us. </p><p>And as for turning 50 years old. If I'm honest I'm feeling it pretty keenly. There's no denying now that I'm on the downward slope of life. No longer 'young' or 'fresh'. Getting a bit more wrinkly and grey. Body feeling a bit more creaky. Things are changing. </p><p>It's ok. I'm ok. Everything is going to be ok. I just have to adjust my mindset, accept the way of life and get on with it.</p><p>And getting on with it I am! I've quit one of my part-time jobs (the one that wasn't right for me sadly) and am going back to University next year to do a Post Graduate Diploma in counselling. I want to do more work in the addiction sector, helping people one-on-one but with the right training and qualification behind me.</p><p>I've also just rejoined the gym! And am going to work on strengthening my body and getting fit again.</p><p>So 50 - bring it on. Downward slope - whatevs. This is my one life and I'm living it to the full. </p><p>Wouldn't want it any other way.</p><p>Love, Mrs D xxx</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr7s7gzyua1oorifg46oe-9DCaeobcFy9DGAkiC-nNQva7niDDC-9s-rv-LprYDUnXKcrpJYkHRJpQewS9oo6_Enu4dYKV76WpCdiEK7fwnh-z9GY8C7PJtIuKbFpGIZvMlj9xOfP5yQ0/s2048/FBC603BD-DC54-4765-A1A2-857C7ACBDF47_1_201_a.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2016" data-original-width="2048" height="315" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr7s7gzyua1oorifg46oe-9DCaeobcFy9DGAkiC-nNQva7niDDC-9s-rv-LprYDUnXKcrpJYkHRJpQewS9oo6_Enu4dYKV76WpCdiEK7fwnh-z9GY8C7PJtIuKbFpGIZvMlj9xOfP5yQ0/s320/FBC603BD-DC54-4765-A1A2-857C7ACBDF47_1_201_a.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com31tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-9195213240922725862020-07-01T15:40:00.002+12:002020-07-01T15:40:51.902+12:00New book! The Wine O'Clock Myth.My new book came out two weeks ago! What a crazy couple of weeks it has been doing lots of media and a wee book launch event. The book is called 'The Wine O'Clock Myth: The truth you need to know about women and alcohol' and it is a thorough exploration about the situation we're in with regards to our alcohol soaked societies, the normalisation and glorification of booze that goes on left, right and centre, the manipulation that goes on through marketing, the targeting of women (especially on social media), and the many ways that all of this is impacting on women's lives.<div><br /></div><div>Happy to say the whole 'launching a new book into the world' process went very well. Aside from a few emotional bumps along the way everything has been great. I expected a bit of push-back from some quarters from people who might think me a 'wowser' or like I was being preachy or judgemental, but I seem to have escaped that criticism (so far).. which is good because I work very hard to not come across as any of those things!<div><br /></div><div>It's such a strange process putting out a book. You feel very vulnerable and nervous, but also proud and excited. I was swamped with lovely messages via social media and through my email and text messages etc.. lots and lots of contacts and friends and family reaching out to say 'well done'. Everything is noisy and stimulating, busy and heady. And now... quiet.</div><div><br /></div><div>Two weeks on from the launch and the book is now just another book on the shelf and out there in people's homes being read and absorbed and having a life of it's own. Meanwhile my life is getting back to normal. I've been through this a few times before so I know to stop Googling my name to see if anyone has written anything and not to look at Goodreads or Amazon for what reviews might be posted (it takes just one 2-star review to ruin a day).</div><div><br /></div><div>Instead I am returning to my usual routines of working on <font color="#d52c1f"><a href="https://livingsober.org.nz/" target="_blank"><font color="#d52c1f">Living Sober</font></a>,</font> doing <a href="https://www.blueprint.co.nz/workshops/9-addiction-101/" target="_blank"><font color="#d52c1f">workshops</font></a>, dog walking, puzzling (have become very keen on doing jigsaw puzzles!), podcast listening, housework, cooking, parenting (which mostly involves being a taxi driver and money machine nowadays), drinking many cups of tea, watching tele in my comfy pants blah blah blah you get the gist. Being a sober housewife and mum in the suburbs ticking away at life.</div><div><br /></div><div>Embracing all that comes along with a clear head and honest intention. Not seeking to numb and avoid my emotions (other than the odd sugar binge), not seeking to avoid anything real that is going on.. just facing up every day to life... warts and all. </div><div><br /></div><div>Bloody hell it's good. It is so good being out of the boozy trap that I was once in, where all I did was guzzle wine daily to deal with life and my emotions. What an incredible ride I have been on in the past 8 1/2 years to get to this point today. Forget writing books and the shift in my career.. simply on a deep internal level my life has changed so hugely and for that I am extremely grateful.</div><div><br /></div><div>But back to the book. The Wine O'Clock Myth is something I am really, really proud of. It takes all that I have learned and witnessed and heard about over the past 8 years and put it in one place. It also takes in 20 incredible in-depth stories from women sharing the truth about their relationships with alcohol. Not the lies and distorted view that we are so often fed through the media.. the truth. These stories are incredibly heart-warming and inspiring and also, at times, heartbreaking in their brutal honesty. The book is worth reading for these tales alone (sales pitch!) but also for the research and journalism I put into the chapters that I wrote.</div><div><br /></div><div>Hard copies are available <a href="https://www.mightyape.co.nz/product/the-wine-oclock-myth/33180744?r=2931008" target="_blank"><font color="#d52c1f">here via Mighty Ape</font></a> (NZ & Australia only for now) or <font color="#d52c1f"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Wine-OClock-Myth-Truth-Alcohol-ebook/dp/B085BZSN6T/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=lotta+dann&qid=1589744272&sr=8-2" target="_blank"><font color="#d52c1f">Kindle here.</font></a> </font>Hard copies are available over in the US and UK etc in October.. otherwise it's eBooks only for those far-flung countries for now. It'll also be available via audio book later in the year.</div><div><br /></div><div>No more book writing for now! Until the next idea hits that is. Ha ha. In the meantime it must be time for a cup of tea. </div><div><br /></div><div>Love, Mrs D xxx</div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHGSqEVhUBqA6E4xKKrzs6rz2DZLYBtfxagQ2HR4n-qZ2CtcHISAOnbfbjXbu-VJlXtFkmzG6RBYUVS1BnLqFDmyn5FVb3_ZeZua4JuACUMkb0yVcG4aSIcUm8lYasq6uVUXPF3OhV0TA/s2764/9781988547220.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2764" data-original-width="1807" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHGSqEVhUBqA6E4xKKrzs6rz2DZLYBtfxagQ2HR4n-qZ2CtcHISAOnbfbjXbu-VJlXtFkmzG6RBYUVS1BnLqFDmyn5FVb3_ZeZua4JuACUMkb0yVcG4aSIcUm8lYasq6uVUXPF3OhV0TA/s320/9781988547220.jpg" /></a></div><div><br /></div>Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-65449351053395488722020-02-23T16:39:00.000+13:002020-02-23T16:39:09.851+13:00Hi friends!Oh my golly, golly goodness it has been a loooong time since I wrote here on my lovely original blog. But I never forget about you!<br />
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I've got a new job facilitating <a href="https://www.blueprint.co.nz/workshops/9-addiction-101/"><span style="color: red;">addiction workshops</span></a> and as part of the day I have to tell my personal story. I stand up and relive my last drinking days and the lead up to quitting.. then I talk about this place, how I started writing to myself daily right after I quit and how powerful and awesome that process was. I talk about how a community of support built up around my blog and every comment (especially in the early days) felt like a hug.<br />
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This blog was my lifeline, my support blanket, my safe resting place, my powerful outlet. It was my everything for so long.<br />
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Now I am still writing and posting about sobriety and recovery daily, but my focus has shifted away from this site and to <a href="https://livingsober.org.nz/"><span style="color: red;">Living Sober</span></a> and my social media accounts. But this site is still live hence me popping back here to say hi!<br />
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Sill experiencing a bit of anxiety as I wrote about in my last post. Not sure what this is about.. maybe because I've got some tricky stuff going down with some relationships in my personal life (not Mr D no way!), maybe because I'm heading into menopause, maybe because I'm running a busy household & raising 3 sons, maybe because I'm working two part-time jobs, or maybe because I'm about to release my 3rd book which I'm a bit nervous about (getting feisty about the priviledged position alcohol holds in our society and the impact it's having on women)... or maybe all of the above!<br />
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Whatever the cause, I am dealing with the anxiety and all the other emotions that come my way with the tools I have developed over 8+ years of being sober. And for that I am extremely grateful.<br />
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I love having alcohol out of my life. I love, love, love it. I never want to go back to where I was, locked in a booze habit that was habitual and heavy and deadening. If somebody said I could magically one day be able to moderate – I still wouldn’t choose to chuck that carcinogenic shit down my throat.<br />
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What I have gained from getting sober and living every single moment of every single day with a wide open brain is immense. Only because I live with my raw emotions, reactions and feelings 100% of the time have I been required to develop coping mechanisms that are grounding and healing and lovely. And for that I am grateful.<br />
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Every hard day that I have slumped around feeling glum, every sad day that my tears have fallen, every angry day when my fists have been clenched, every boring day when I’ve been crying out to create some fun, every tricky day when I’ve been gritting my teeth desperate to escape (but haven’t), every single day that I have lived sober has been a gift. A goddam gift I tell you.<br />
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If I go back to my early posts on here and read about all the hard work I had to do in those tough-as-hell early days to learn how to not drink.. I just feel so proud and grateful to the me back then who did that.<br />
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It was so worth all the blood, sweat and tears. So worth it. I have ZERO regrets.<br />
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Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
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<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-8822792885192258892019-06-10T12:32:00.001+12:002019-06-10T12:32:09.773+12:00Hello anxiety...I seem to be getting more anxious lately - which is a total bummer. I'm worried it's the start of menopause, because I keep reading that anxiety is one of the symptoms of menopause, and I am (gulp) getting up to that phase of life.. turning 48 this year!<br />
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All I need is the slightest thing to be worried about - a tricky work meeting ahead or a dissatisfying interaction with someone - and I'll suddenly be on edge. Sometimes I'll forget what the thing is that's making me uneasy, I'll just spend the day feeling nervy and then I'll have to stop and ask myself, "why am I uneasy right now?". And then I'll think, "Oh, it must be that email I got", or "It must be that meeting I have to attend next Thursday". Sometimes I can't pinpoint anything! But then again.. there's a LOT going on.<br />
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I'm busy writing my new book, and I am a bit nervous about that because I'm going to be bolder than ever before about the state of our drinking culture and the impact it's having on women. I'm also working part-time running Living Sober and have two other new work things bubbling away in the background. Then there's parenting our 3 sons, one is now a teenager and another will be soon. Plus our parents are getting older and we've just lost one - my beloved, amazing mother-in-law died unexpectedly last month.<br />
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So yeah - it's all a lot.<br />
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But who's life isn't like this? Aren't we all just bloody busy all of the time? I mean, it's no wonder people turn to drinking and eating and shopping and many other things to help them deal with the stresses and strains. I keep talking to Mr D and my girlfriends about how we feel this stage of life is the most pressured. We're all run ragged parenting our teenagers, worrying about our ageing parents, juggling job pressures, exploring our own health niggles. Sigh. So what to do?<br />
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Well for me it is involving a lot of mindfulness. Contantly being aware of the workings of my mind and catching myself when I'm lost in thought, working to ground myself in the moment & my body by concentrating on what my eyes can see, what my hands can feel, my breath in my body, the calmness of the exact moment I'm in. Because when you look at it, most of the moments in our day are lovely and calm and straight forward, it's just our thinking, worrying, planning, regretting etc that is making them not so.<br />
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Gratitude is another biggie. This is a really underated habit! I often remind myself to look at all the things I have to be grateful for. There is always plenty and when I focus on them, no matter how small of a thought it is, it makes a difference.<br />
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And I also really work on putting myself in perspective. I am one of many, many people in the world. No-one is as fixated on my life as I am, they're all fixated on their own. Everyone has concerns and worries. No-one feels like they're on top of things 100% of the time. We're all muddling through, sometimes feeling insecure, sometimes feeling anxious, sometimes feeling sad, sometimes feeling worried, often feeling tired and stretched (also happy, joyful, glad, contented, appreciated etc etc, let's not forget the full gambit of human emotions!). Feeling like a tiny part of the entire human race does work to calm me somewhat.. and that's lovely too.<br />
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So yeah, muddling through as best I can is my game right now. Trying to keep up with my wellness habits. Trying as always to avoid flour and sugar (and achieving it probably about 70% of the time right now). Trying to stay mindful and grateful and in perspective. Trying my best to be my best self. Practice not perfection. And as always - staying sober!! My numero uno winning strategy for life. Because even with this anxiety that has landed in my chest, I am not tempted to numb it away with booze. No way Jose. I'm here for the full, unadulterated ride.<br />
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Always.<br />
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Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
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<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-31310604098737970572019-03-20T15:54:00.002+13:002019-03-20T15:54:30.794+13:00Love will conquer all...Oh my goodness it has been a loooooooong time since I wrote on this my trusty old blog. Apologies trusty old blog and anyone who might still be visiting here despite my absence. Or, if you subscribe to my posts by email, wondering where the hell I've been ... sorry to you too.<br />
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I have been around and I am still very visible on my social media accounts and of course <a href="https://livingsober.org.nz/"><span style="color: red;">Living Sober</span></a> where I communicate in the Members Feed many times a week and also publish lots of posts.<br />
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Things aren't great here right now with a beloved family member being terminally ill and a terrible, awful, horrific terror attack in my home town of Christchurch. It feels like just such a hard time right now and I am very unsettled by all the emotions and sadness and pain.<br />
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BUT none of it is enough to send me back to stupid alcohol of course! No way am I ever touching that shit again! Rather I am stepping up my self-care, listening to lovely Tara Brach talks, doing yoga, walking the dog, crying, buying flowers and facemasks and magazines and treaty herbal teas, looking for the beauty in nature. It all sounds so wah, wah, woofty, namby, pamby but if there's one thing I've learned in my 7 1/2 years of being sober... it is that it is PRECISELY these sorts of gentle nurturing actions that soothe my way through emotional pain.<br />
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And of course I feel very connected with my feelings which is actually super lovely. It makes perfect sense that I'd be sad and grieving now and anxious and unsettled. PERFECT sense. My goodness. Major, major tough things are happening in my world. Of course I'm going to be uncomfortable and emotional! But I'm feeling the feelings fully, letting them out and pass through me. I know that in six months.. one year.. I'll look back at this tough time and won't feel confused about or disconnected from it.<br />
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I know now from 7 1/2 years of sobriety that tough emotions are there for a reason and simply feeling them fully and not seeking to numb or avoid them makes them easier to manage. And especially in the long run when more beats of life have occurred.. they're easier to understand.<br />
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But for now, despite all my self-care techniques I'm still incredibly watery with tears popping up at unexpected times. And I am aware that I've got a knot of angsty pressure on my chest. But I'm breathing through it.. remembering to practice mindfulness and ground myself in my body and not get lost in my (unhappy) thoughts.<br />
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And the main one of all - hugging the ones I love very, very tight. Because love will conquer all.<br />
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Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
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<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-56692723010793802042018-12-19T07:15:00.001+13:002018-12-19T07:16:30.260+13:00Make mine a booze free ChristmasHeading into Christmas like HELL YEAH! We pack up the car on Friday night and catch a 3am ferry to the South Island on Saturday. Yikes, what were we thinking when we booked that back in July?! But it's ok, we'll cope. Not drinking sure makes travel easier!<br />
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Things are good in the D household. The kids are looking forward to getting away, Mr D is on holiday after a busy year at work (he travelled away every single weekend this year), and I am just pottering along doing my usual online stuff which will continue while we are away. I'm very excited because I've got a new book project to work on next year. I do love having a project on.. keeps my mind occupied and me stimulated and busy.<br />
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We relaunched <a href="http://www.livingsober.org.nz/"><span style="color: red;">Living Sober</span></a> a month or so ago and that went really well. We now have a fancy new online space for our members to hang out in.. but fundamentally it's the same kind, supportive, non-judgemental site that it always was. Just a better way of displaying posts and a clearer 'call to action' for new visitors on the homepage (hopefully encouraging them to join our community)... alongside a pretty cheesy but friendly welcome video featuring moi. I published a <a href="https://livingsober.org.nz/silly-season-survival-guide-repost/"><span style="color: red;">Silly Season Survival Guide</span></a> there which would be worthwhile reading if you're struggling with sobriety at the moment.<br />
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In other news I am totally on top of my food and sitting 15kg (33 pounds) lighter thanks to Bright Line Eating which I have blogged about here before. I stumbled across it a year or so ago after listening to the women who runs it - Dr Susan Peirce Thompson - speak during an online conference. She’s a recovering addict herself and listening to her was amazing because it was the first time someone totally spoke my language about food (because there’s a LOT of noise about food out there right now).<br />
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Her thing is she's all about the addictive properties of food - particularly flour and sugar - and how it impacts on your brain (dopamine receptors etc). Made total sense to me because after I got sober I developed a nasty sugar habit. It's a pretty strict programme but I’m unashamed about following it now because it honestly has changed my life. When I’m 100% sticking to my bright lines (which I don't always achieve but am right now) I am free of any obsession over food, binging, guilt etc. I just feel calm in my body and mind, it's amazing. She’s just released a free video series <a href="https://rq263.isrefer.com/go/rbrzd18v1/mrsd/"><span style="color: red;">check it out here</span></a> if you're interested (it's only going to be up for a short amount of time).<br />
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Sometimes I can't believe how things have changed for me, but at 47 years old I'm delighted to be working hard at being the best I can be.. and not just settling for being the kind of lush, mindless woman that I was before. I feel like I've only got one shot at my life, and I'm happy to be doing it as I am. Sobriety is TOTALLY worth the hard work people! So just do it! (to use a well-worn, cheesy slogan).<br />
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I mean, crap still comes along but it's easier to deal with when you're not clouding your brain with booze. Trust me on that.<br />
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Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
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Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-57484481728471821772018-10-26T13:12:00.001+13:002018-10-26T13:12:59.405+13:00Milestones...Had some lovely celebrations recently. My 47th birthday was a couple of weeks ago and yesterday Mr D and I marked 15 years of marriage!<br />
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I get through these celebrations without a single thought of reaching for alcohol - so rock solid is my sobriety. My life is just trucking on fine without booze in the picture and for that I am SO SO SO happy and also so grateful to past me for making the big, brave move 7+ years ago.<br />
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I'm not visiting here so much any more but I do write blog posts regularly at www.livingsober.org.nz. Our incredible recovery community is going from strength to strength and soon we are relaunching with a whole new look!<br />
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I also post regularly on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/mrsdisgoingwithout" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Facebook</span></a> and <a href="https://www.instagram.com/mrs_d_alcoholfree/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Instagram</span></a>. And also on <a href="https://twitter.com/MrsDalcoholfree"><span style="color: red;">Twitter</span>.</a><span id="goog_1074966346"></span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/"></a><span id="goog_1074966347"></span><br />
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Hopefully see you there!<br />
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Love, Mrs D xxx <br />
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<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-41327895018186122212018-09-06T07:21:00.002+12:002018-09-06T07:21:40.828+12:00Seven years today!!Happy Soberversary to me! Happy Soberversary to me! Happy Soberversary to me! Happy Soberversary to me! Seven years today!! Woo bloody Hoo.<br />
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That is 2557 days by the way - crazy!<br />
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Waking up this morning with the memory of having yelled at my kids last night because one of them pissed all over the toilet floor - whoopsie! Grumpy mum alert. But at least it was sober yelling not drunken yelling! Unlike last night 7 years ago when I was totally full of wine and an utter wreck on the inside.<br />
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So anyway.. what to do on my soberversary? I have to take the car into town to get fixed so thought I might walk myself to the movies after that and go see Crazy Rich Asians which is apparently great. Then maybe get some food in a cafe.. then bus home and do other normal stuff like walk the dog and go to the supermarket and pick up the kids from school and make dinner and stuff.... such is the life of a sober housewife. Yay for being a sober housewife!!<br />
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Thank you me of 7 years ago for digging deep even when you were feeling miserable and making such a monumental life-changing decision.<br />
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Thank you me of 7 years ago for pushing through the hard-as-buggery early stages of getting sober. Learning how to socialise, filling my days, getting through wine o-clock, and the hardest work of all - retraining my brain to stop seeing booze as a good idea. Thank you!<br />
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And thank you me for every one of the last 2557 days for being brave enough to deal with emotional stuff and not seek to escape or numb. I am so proud of myself that I have committed to living 100% of the time in the raw. It is a fantastic, grounded, brave, real, honest way to live. And I love it!<br />
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No regrets! Sobriety is my new normal and I'm so happy with that. Happy Seven Years to me! Can't wait for the next seven.<br />
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Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
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<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-72523195975196802182018-08-20T11:48:00.000+12:002018-08-20T11:48:21.043+12:00Ain't that the truth.Monday morning and I have just decluttered our downstairs room which was a mess with old CDs everywhere, kids dress-ups, various tools and bits of sporting equipment, swim gear, school art projects, old DVDs.. you get the picture.<br />
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I love decluttering!<br />
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And this is just the first area of the house that I'm going to deal with. Every day this week I'm going to do a different area which has gotten dusty and crappy and messy. Satisfying.<br />
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I've finished my 3-month work contract so now have more time on my hands to get on top of the house, plus get back to the gym and start walking the dog daily again and stuff like that. I let my self-care and some houseewifey jobs slip a bit while I was a busy working mum juggling two jobs and everything else.<br />
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But that's over for now - until the next contract comes along at least. And until it does I'm going to enjoy having a bit more time to potter about and get organised and look after myself and the family.<br />
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Been a bit of angst around lately as well with some stuff going on (out of my control but worrisome and stressful) but I've been coping with that fairly well. It's interesting for me to note that nowadays in the midst of a crisis I don't for a second hanker for a wine or wish that I could bend my brain with a drug to escape. I just deal with life as it comes - sometimes messily with tears or anger or sugar - but deal with it nonetheless and trust myself that I will cope.<br />
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And I always do.<br />
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I've taught myself now after nearly 7 years of sobriety that I can handle my emotions, that they're not to be feared or judged or avoided.. they are just emotions. Sadness, anger, worry, frustration, stress.. they're all there for a reason. It's how us humans are made! And I'm very happy to be a fully realised human riding the waves of life as best I can.<br />
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Most of all I'm happy to be showing my sons a mum who is well rounded, not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but just dealing with life on life's terms. They can see me up, down and sideways and circling around again. And they will learn by watching me that this is how life goes.<br />
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It's not what happens to you, it's how you deal with what's happening to you that counts.<br />
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Ain't that the truth.<br />
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Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
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Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-64421635500369220482018-07-23T17:16:00.000+12:002018-07-23T17:16:36.345+12:00Slice of life (and lemon)It's 4.27pm on a Monday afternoon. I'm sitting at the kitchen bench drinking from a glass filled with fizzy water and a big slice of lemon. I've just made tomorrow night's dinner (chicken fajitas) and soon will embark on tonight's dinner (fish and veggies parcels). The Greatest Showman soundtrack is playing loudly which is cheesy as hell but fun to sing to. The dog is prowling around the kitchen looking for scraps of food. Now he's given up and is lying on the rug. <div>
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Eldest son (nearly 14) is sitting at his PC in the study watching YouTube and surfing Instagram on his phone at the same time. Youngest son (8) is playing Arc on the PlayStation in the TV room. Middle son (12) is at his swim training. He'll need to be picked up in an hour or so.</div>
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I'm feeling pretty tired as I'm working two jobs right now while still running the house and kids etc. And it's been a busy weekend. I hosted a birthday party sleepover for our middle son and 3 of his friends and also had my mum staying. Also, because I'm tired my food choices haven't been great lately and I'm a bit frustrated that the house is a dusty, cluttered mess. But none of this is terrible and I know that everything is elevated because I'm tired. </div>
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So I'm practicing mindfulness - focusing on what my hands are doing and what is before my eyes - rather than getting lost in negative thought patterns. And I'm being kind to myself, accepting that life is up and down, trusting that I'll pick myself up again and congratulating myself for being grounded and aware.</div>
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I think it's important right now that I remember what a fucking legend I am for being sober. Excuse me for blowing my own trumpet but sometimes being in long term recovery means I forget to celebrate the turn my life has taken and the improvements I have made to my world - both internal and external.</div>
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Because this picture could be quite different. I could be 2 wines deep right now, slightly buzzed and disconnected. I could be hungover from the weekend and struggling every day with an intense internal dialogue about my drinking. I could be regretting things I've done or said recently while under the influence. I could be fighting with my husband or other relatives, or dealing with angsty friendships. But none of this is my reality.</div>
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My reality is tiredness, emotions, awareness, gratitude and a big glass of fizzy water with a large slice of lemon. Perfection, really.</div>
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Love, Mrs D xxx</div>
Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-61528837675235339042018-06-29T10:08:00.000+12:002018-06-29T10:08:01.509+12:00Self-care while being busyWell! Be careful what you wish for. After spending quite a few weeks moaning about how bored and underutilised I was feeling...about how my confidence was low because I hadn't worked outside of the house (like, in an actual office with other people and stuff) for over 8 years.. about how I needed to get a job but didn't know what I wanted to do... well... I went and got a job!<br />
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It's a nice re-entry into the workforce.. a part-time, temporary contract (26 hours a week for 3 months). Doing writing and communications stuff for a big health organisation. So it's using my skills but also teaching me new things.. and now all my bored and insecure complaints have flown out the window and BAM! I'm super busy.<br />
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I'm getting up and out of the house four mornings a week and driving into a busy workplace. I've had a shit-ton to learn, my brain is full of a million details. I've been stressed, stimulated, frustrated, satisfied.. but most of all - busy!<br />
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It's been great on many levels. I've reminded myself that I'm capable and hard-working and efficient and have a lot to offer. And I've reminded myself that I work well with others and enjoy meeting new people.<br />
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But it's also been a big adjustment in terms of my schedule, demands on my time, tiredness levels and self care. Suddenly I'm that person who is juggling a million things and feeling rushed a lot of the time. The meals at home aren't quite up to the same standard. Emails are taking a bit longer to respond to and some of my writing deadlines are being pushed out.<br />
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It's quite good actually because I'm being reminded that it does take more of an effort to look after yourself and make good choices when you're stretched. When you're super-busy it's easier to just grab that quick snack that isn't fully healthy, rather than take the time to chop some veggies. It's easier to skip your yoga class because you are tired.<br />
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My sobriety is rock-solid, but some of my addictive behaviours around food have crept back in. But it's ok.. I'm very aware of this and am 1) first and foremost and most importantly treating myself with great compassion and kindness, recognising that I am tired and busy and a human being with flaws and all of that is ok and understandable and 2) trying hard to keep a focus on good self-care routines knowing that although they take more effort when you're tired.. they are worth it!<br />
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It helps that I have an end date for this contract so can push through knowing that I'll be back to a more cruisey routine soon enough. But then of course I'll probably start complaining about being bored again and worrying about what job I'm going to do! Ha ha. Hopefully soon enough - in the next year or two - I'll find the perfect thing that will keep me stimulated and busy (but not too busy) and allow me to look after myself and my family as well.<br />
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Life is a journey with twists and turns! And I'm happily bumping along for the ride. One sober foot in front of the other.. facing each day with a clear head and honest intention. And that's all any of us can do.<br />
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Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
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<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-83195789969011614692018-04-25T14:35:00.003+12:002018-04-25T14:38:56.927+12:00Living my best life...Hello anyone still reading this! I'm not blogging here as often as I used to which feels a bit weird but also the natural way of things. This blog was my absolute lifeline in the early days (as you will see if you go back to my early posts). It led me into the wonderful world of online recovery and taught me the importance of support and empathy and kindness and compassion.<br />
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Not sure how it's going to go in the future but just wanted to let you know (if you care that is!) that I am very present on my social media accounts which are <a href="https://twitter.com/MrsDalcoholfree" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Twitter</span></a> @mrsdalcoholfree, <a href="https://www.instagram.com/mrs_d_alcoholfree/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Instagram</span></a> @mrs_d_alcoholfree and my <a href="https://www.facebook.com/mrsdisgoingwithout/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Facebook page</span></a> - Mrs D Is Going Without.<br />
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I'm trucking along pretty well right now. I'm still looking for some work outside of the home but am trusting that the right thing will come along soon. In the meantime I'm running the <a href="http://www.livingsober.org.nz/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Living Sober</span></a> website, appreciating my kids and all the parenting and pottering around the home I do. Trying to keep my mental health good by eating right and walking the dog and going to the gym and stuff. This is how I work my recovery, by keeping an eye on all of the physical and emotional aspects of my life and working to keep things in balance. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination (last night I had crackers with butter and jam for dinner), but that's perfectly ok. Overall I have come a HUGE way since I quit drinking.<br />
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I'm now fully accepting of the fact that I am an addict and anything that kickstarts dopamine in my brain is kryptonite to me. So I try to avoid those things (alcohol all the time, sugar and flour 90% of the time) because when I do I feel free from cravings and compulsions and that is a much happier place for me to reside in. How very grown up!<br />
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Being sober is grand. I am completely settled into my sober skin now and can't for a minute imagine my life soaked in wine like it used to be. I am so, so, so, so happy to have booze out of my life. I look around at others drinking and can't see that I'm missing out on anything at all. Is that just because I have forgotten the pleasure of having that liquid drug in my body? Maybe, but I don't care. Life in the raw is great. Daring, rebellious, gritty, real, grounded and rewarding. And I have gained so very much.<br />
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It takes a huge adjustment to go from living boozily to living sober, so please do hang in there if you are in the rough early stages and know that you are undergoing a huge, heroic life change that will be really worth it in the end. Nothing bad ever comes from getting sober and any changes that come about from quitting booze are usually good ones (even if it dosn't seem like it at first). I know I'm generalising massively here but this does seem to be true.<br />
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Here's a selfie taken while on a big walk last weekend with the family. This is me aged 46 and a half, six and a half years sober, 14kg lighter than when I quit drinking with a mostly very settled brain chemistry (other than natural mood fluctuations and hormonal swings).<br />
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Sober. Not perfect, but facing every challenge with an honest intention and my best foot forward.<br />
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Who could ask for anything more?<br />
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Love, Mrs D xxxMrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-55353113720619819572018-03-28T11:03:00.001+13:002018-03-28T11:03:34.548+13:00Thirteen things I have discovered in sobriety...1) Negative emotions suck but feeling them raw helps immensley (in understanding them and getting over them quicker).<br />
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2) Sadness is my least favourite emotion.<br />
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3) Powerful positive emotions like pure elation or overwhelming joy don't come by often but when they do it feels soooo good (way better than drunk positive emotions).<br />
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4) It's really important to recognise when things aren't particularly bad or good but just trucking along nicely.<br />
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5) Life is not a party all of the time nor should it be.<br />
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6) Uplifting music can brighten my day and I'm wise to remember to play it when I'm feeling stuck.<br />
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7) I'm still not naturally into physical exercise but I know my life is better when I input it into my weeks.<br />
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8) Yoga is not overrated like I used to think it was.<br />
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9) I love dancing, particularly with props (e.g. glow sticks, ribbons).<br />
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10) Owning a dog changes your life for the better in numerous ways.<br />
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11) Getting 8 uninterrupted hours of sleep most nights is FREAKING AMAZING!!<br />
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12) Owning your truth is empowering and brave and no-one will judge you for admitting struggles.<br />
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13) It is possible to live a full, fun life without touching alcohol ever.<br />
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Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
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<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-21606747014847169542018-03-06T11:58:00.000+13:002018-03-06T11:58:09.232+13:00About my weight loss..I've had quite a few people notice in photos I've been sharing lately that I've lost a lot of weight. And yes it's true! So here is the story.<br />
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Last year while I was writing and releasing my <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Mrs-Going-Within-Lotta-Dann/dp/1877505862/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1520288700&sr=8-1&keywords=mrs+d+is+going+within" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">new book</span></a> I got into some terrible (worse than usual) habits around food. I was using foods - specifically bready/sugary foods - very alcoholically. That is, I was locked into a cravings-binging-guilt cycle that was very reminiscent of my boozing days.<br />
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I was hyper aware of this dysfunctional behaviour. I knew very clearly whenever I was binging beyond normal 'treating' of myself (i.e. being a total and utter pig) because I often felt sick and really bad about myself afterwards. I could also clearly see that my worst binging came when I felt low emotionally or was dealing with something stressful or gritty.<br />
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And the scales were climbing up and up and up. One day I climbed on and saw that I was on the cusp of my highest weight EVER. This was my trigger number one to change.<br />
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My second trigger to change came at almost exactly the same time. I was listening to an online conference and they interviewed a woman who was talking exactly my language about food - like .. big time! Her name was <a href="https://susanpeircethompson.com/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Dr Susan Pierce Thompson</span></a> and she was a recovering addict herself who had switched her addiction to food after getting sober. She talked about flour and sugar having the same impact on the brain as alcohol does and explained the programme she had developed that was working for many, many people.<br />
<br />
I got her book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Bright-Line-Eating-Science-Living/dp/1401952534/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1520290133&sr=1-1" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Bright Line Eating: The science of Living Happy, Thin & Free</span></a> immediately and half started following her programme by cutting out flour and sugar. The cravings stopped which was great but I wasn't losing any weight so reluctantly I started doing her full programme (I was reluctant because it involved weighing portions and I was embarrassed that I needed to get the scales out to weigh my food every meal).<br />
<br />
But I'm so pleased that I pushed past my reluctance and embarrassment because FUCK ME THE WEIGHT JUST STARTED DROPPING OFF! Her programme is bloody brilliant because a lot of the time I'm not that hungry - just the right amount of protein and veggies to keep me going until the next meal - but the results have been dramatic.<br />
<br />
To date I have lost 14kg (nearly 31 pounds)!! Her plan is quite detailed but I'm not going explain it here because it's all in her book and I really recommend you get the book because there is a lot of science and explanation in there about how our brains and bodies work which is so empowering.<br />
<br />
I can't recommend it highly enough to anyone who wants to lose weight but mostly wants to be free from that awful cravings/binging/guilt cycle around food that is extremely soul destroying. I do still slip and eat those foods sometimes and then have to combat cravings for a few days until they've gone. But for the most part I live without these foods and happy.<br />
<br />
Long may it last!<br />
<br />
Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-14847361871363710872018-02-19T09:51:00.002+13:002018-02-19T09:51:46.762+13:00Itchy and scratchyI'm feeling a bit itchy and scratchy at the moment. Restless and bored. I need something new in my life. A new job. A new project. A new something-a-rather. I have no idea what. I'm a bit stuck and bored of my work and stuff. It's not the end of the world but I need some change, I'm aware of that.<br />
<br />
I'm scratching around at the edges looking for new opportunities, not hustling like a mad woman but poking my nose in a few places. I'd love to be in the right place doing something stimulating and engaging, interacting with cool people, feeling valued and busy. That's what I'd like.<br />
<br />
But I'd also like to be very available at home to parent my sons. So I need to find a balance. Hopefully something right will come along. Maybe it will take a wee while and I just have to be patient in the meantime and enjoy what I do have. Count my blessings.<br />
<br />
* Good health<br />
* Happy family<br />
* Some work that is rewarding (but not enough)<br />
* A robust sobriety<br />
<br />
And it is that last point that will see me right most of all. Because I am sober and 100% present in my life and grounded in the truth I won't stagnate and get bitter or too miserable. I'll stay alert to my circumstance and slowly work to change things around.<br />
<br />
Sobriety means never staying stuck. It's impossible to avoid anything in sobriety. That's what makes it so hard sometimes! But ultimately so great because you tend to work to fix things rather than leave them be for months and years.<br />
<br />
So I'll just try to sit in my truth, push out at the edges to try find something new, and enjoy what I do have going on the meantime.<br />
<br />
On another note we went to a wedding last weekend and a brilliant time. Lots of chatting and feeling the love but most of all DANCING! I danced for hours and hours to a brilliant guitarist that had the whole party on the dance floor. I don't know how one man and his guitar managed to sound like a fantastic DJ and live band at the same time but he did! So great.<br />
<br />
I didn't spend the evening wishing I was boozing like most others were at the event. I am so happy in my sober skin and extremely grateful to be living a life far removed from the boozy, disconnected one I was over six years ago.<br />
<br />
I don't miss the sloppy, drunk, emotionally stunted version of myself at all.<br />
<br />
Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
<br />
P.S. This is a photo montage I made of the event for my <a href="https://www.facebook.com/mrsdisgoingwithout/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Facebook page</span></a>.<br />
<br />
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<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-16775151475647801952018-02-02T08:22:00.001+13:002018-02-02T08:22:11.624+13:00A new parenting phase..There are many times that I feel supremely grateful to be sober, but none more so than this week.<br />
<br />
Our eldest boy has just started high school. So it has been a week of tension and stress (him) and emotion and busyness (me). I've been helping organise his stationery and get his uniform together, I've sat through welcome ceremonies and deciphered timetables. It all feels quite new and exciting for all of us and I'm so proud of our boy. But boy he can be grumpy when he's tired and under pressure!<br />
<br />
He hates getting up early in the morning so rising to be out the door by 7.30am is a shock to the system. He's been going to his new school for 3 days but today is the first day that all of the school year groups are in attendance (all those much bigger boys!) so I got up early to make some muffins (because I'm a domestic goddess ha ha).<br />
<br />
6.45am and I was pottering around the kitchen with the dog. The sun was rising over the hills out our kitchen window and my mug of peppermint tea was delicious. I felt so grateful to be hangover free and clear-headed. I felt so grateful to have my feet fully on the ground as my son enters this new phase of his life. It was a lovely peaceful time.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately the peace was soon shattered. I was informed that the PE gear needed to be washed so quickly did it by hand and shoved it in the dryer. Unfortunately this meant that it was still damp when it was time to go.. so despite my motherly brilliance with the muffins ultimately I was just the biggest annoying pain in the arse ever and son left the house grumpy.<br />
<br />
Sigh.<br />
<br />
I think parenting teenagers is going to be hard work. A huge exercise in staying calm, taking shit but not too much and organising and sorting but not too much (or else how are they going to learn? He should have given me his stinky PE gear last night!).<br />
<br />
But I'm up for it, and so grateful that I'm entering these years as a sober woman, not a boozy disconnected lush. I know it's going to be a rollercoaster and I'm going to handle things badly at times and have motherly guilt and regret. But that's ok too. I'm sober, not perfect. And that's perfectly ok.<br />
<br />
But right now.. having waved my grumpy boy off ("a wet PE top is better than a stinky one!"), and written this post, I think I'm going to crawl back into bed with a book. Self care right there. I deserve it.<br />
<br />
Love, Mrs D xxxMrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-59717607695568677062018-01-09T14:21:00.000+13:002018-01-09T16:11:40.045+13:00My fantastic New Years Eve..This New Year's Eve was the best I have had for many years. So, so good. I just wish I could go back there tonight and do it all over again, it was that good. It was soul restoring. It was epic.<br />
<br />
To be honest the lead up wasn't great. During the day on the 31st I was not that jazzed about the whole thing. We were camping with 4 other families by the beach having a very relaxing and lovely time but I kept thinking to myself all day I wished I could just crawl into my tent and go to bed at the normal time and not have to force myself to stay up till midnight.<br />
<br />
I just hate that New Year's Eve comes with such a massive weight of expectation like it has to be the MOST FUN night to rival all other nights of the year. I could probably just relax about that thought process but don't seem to be able to. Maybe I'm too fond of my early nights?<br />
<br />
And of course I'm aware that for many people on the planet (including me for 20+ years) the main way to ensure a blinder of a New Year's Eve is to sink lots of piss and get blotto.<br />
<br />
But now I don't drink and I've retrained my brain to see that drunk does not equal fun... it's just drunk, and there are many wonderful, natural ways to have fun that don't require chemical enhancement. But for some stupid reason I still feel that NYE pressure to somehow elevate the evening to something great.. and frankly I can't really be bothered.<br />
<br />
Anyway, "it is what it is" I told myself in the lead-up and just prepared to get through the evening having a good time knowing that the pressure would soon be off. Little did I know that magic would happen for me although I'd have to wait until after midnight for it to properly kick in.<br />
<br />
Early in the evening we had a camp concert that involved a variety of performances (a couple of which I took part in) and that was cool. Then we had a disco with everyone jumping around to a strange mix of poppy dance tunes. Then the guitars came out and we had a singalong. That was all good fun.<br />
<br />
But by 11.30pm I was tired, half the kids had crashed out.. some of the adults were a bit boozed.. I was struggling to avoid eating chocolate (and didn't manage to do so, scoffing many Maltesers before midnight), and my air bed had never looked so good. I would have quite happily slipped off to retire at that point.<br />
<br />
Soon enough midnight arrived and we all hugged and whooped along with others in the campsite. The last few kids were put to bed and I figured I'd slip away pretty quickly myself.<br />
<br />
But then the magic happened.<br />
<br />
We had our Megaboom speaker sitting on the sand in between our tents and the music got changed from cheesy kid-friendly hits to more cruisy dancy/trancy/techno beats. And suddenly I got my dance on.<br />
<br />
Big time.<br />
<br />
I danced. I danced and I danced and I danced. I danced non-stop for over an hour standing under the moonlight with my feet in the sand, a glow stick in each hand and my eyes mostly shut. I totally just got into the groove with the music and danced. I swayed, ducked, bobbed, twirled, waved and moved. It was utterly fantastic.<br />
<br />
By this stage there were just us adults - 10 of us - standing around the speaker like it was a bonfire. Everyone was mello, chatting in twos or threes or just grooving along to the music like I was. OMG I don't know how to explain it but the hour of dancing I did between midnight and 1am was amazing and utterly soul restoring. I felt so comfortable, didn't care what I looked like or what anyone thought of me. I was fully relaxed with our friends, fully relaxed in my own skin, fully into the music and just so, so happy.<br />
<br />
Grooving, moving, swaying, ducking, diving and waving. I pointed and swished and waved my glow sticks non-stop. A few times I joked that I was directing airplanes like a ground controller at the airport and bent my arms like that! Also made big circles around and around and did quick flicks to make the glow sticks blur. In fact, now that I write I think it was the glow sticks in my hand that gave me so much joy. I was all about waving my arms to move them in time with the beat.<br />
<br />
So, so, so happy. It was the best dance I have had in AGES and as a result the best New Year's I have had in AGES. Dancing in the half light with a great group of friends, totally relaxed in the outdoors with fantastic tunes and NO. BOOZE. REQUIRED.<br />
<br />
Proof once again that alcohol isn't required to have a fun time. A fun time comes when all the elements inherent in the moment collide to produce genuine feelings of pleasure and happiness.<br />
<br />
Happy Sober 2018 to everyone out in cyber-land who is brave enough to dig deep to remove alcohol and live in the raw 100% of the time. It's hard work at first getting sober, but so worth it. Worth it for magical nights like my New Year's Eve. I wouldn't have changed it for the world.<br />
<br />
Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
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<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-33273835734650188672017-12-20T16:29:00.001+13:002017-12-20T16:31:11.832+13:00I'm not judging you lady!So far so good on the being-happily-sober-during-the-silly-season front. I've been out to a few parties and gatherings and haven't felt the slightest urge to drink. Sometimes I wonder if people are avoiding me because I'm not drinking but then I think if they are it's their choice and that's fine. Maybe some people do think being sober is lame and therefore I'm lame too.. if that's their opinion then that's their issue and I can't do anything about it.<br />
<br />
I did have one woman at a BBQ catch me glancing at her right as she was refilling her glass of bubbles and when she saw me she said "don't look". I didn't even know her! Why didn't she want me to look? Does she think I'm the alcohol police? I'm not the bloody alcohol police I'm a recovering alcoholic!<br />
<br />
Having said that I do have to recognise that it's been my choice to go public about my sobriety and to continuously promote recovery online and in the media. I do always try to maintain a tone which is not anti-alcohol but rather pro people like me who can't moderate.<br />
<br />
I want to reach people who might be secretly worried about their own drinking, feeling stuck and alone like I was. I want them to know they're not alone. I want to talk to people who are in the early stages of quitting and let them know there's a whole gang of us out there also living alcohol free.<br />
<br />
What I don't ever want to do is make people feel bad for drinking or make them think I'm judging or criticising their habits. I'm not because other people's drinking habits are none of my business.<br />
<br />
Also - it's impossible to know the truth about someone's drinking just from seeing them out at an event. Maybe that woman filling her glass at the BBQ was having her one big night of the year - good on her! Maybe she drinks more often than that but is totally comfortable with her intake and isn't hurting anyone - good on her! Not my business.<br />
<br />
Seriously - I am not in the business of thinking that everyone on the planet needs to quit drinking (but OMG could you image if we lived in that world!). All I want to do is be honest about my own dysfunctional relationship with alcohol because I believe the more we all share honestly the better it is for everyone. I want there to be an honest dialogue about how alcohol isn't a fun, harmless substance for everyone. I want it to be common knowledge there are a lot of humans who struggle to control it, and I want there to be no stigma about that.<br />
<br />
And most of all I want anyone who might be considering quitting to know that while it's hard work it's very doable and in the long run so much better!<br />
<br />
I shudder to think what my life would be like now if I'd continued on the path I was on. In the year or so before I quit my drinking was escalating at a very fast rate. So by now I would be likely drinking more daily, I would be fatter, more bloated, more cut off from my emotions, more disconnected from my family and less in touch with everything and everyone around me.<br />
<br />
Thank goodness that's not the case and I'm now sober and happy in my personal choice to remove alcohol from my life.<br />
<br />
I'm just concentrating on me, and I feel great about my decision to put down the bottle 2297 days ago.<br />
<br />
Merry Christmas!<br />
<br />
Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
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<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-35684966801860666492017-12-02T15:53:00.002+13:002017-12-02T15:59:02.569+13:00Sad pangs and fancy partiesI had a strange sad pang the other night. I was watching a movie on Netflix and in it there was a big party scene at what looked like a totally fun and amazing rooftop location in New York. It was all fairy lights and hip people and fancy cocktails and groovy music and people having just the <i>best time ever</i> (because that's how it always looks in these super stylised movie scenes), and I suddenly felt really sad that I'm never going to cut loose at a party ever again.<br />
<br />
It was a total feeling of sadness. Poor sober me missing out on all those future fun times. Never again will I be throwing caution to the wind and drinking too many champagnes. Never again will I get that naughty twinkle in my eye along with others that I'm indulging and having fun with.<br />
<br />
Never again will I numb out, switch off, blur the edges and party the night away.<br />
<br />
This sad pang lasted for about two minutes (I flipped the script pretty quickly and reminded myself of all my truths) but it was real and I can remember the feeling even now 3 days later. It didn't totally knock me back and I never even for one nano-second thought about actually drinking any shit booze but the sad pang was there I have to be honest.<br />
<br />
Then last night we went to an actual fancy party at a big fancy house. It was a formal cocktail event, invite only with a security guard on the gate checking names off and staff greeting us at the door (Mr D's got the invite through his work). There was a bar in the foyer serving fancy cocktails and then another bar through on the veranda where everyone was standing with non-stop cocktail making going on there as well. Plus waiters were walking around with bottles of bubbles and wine all night. Everyone was dressed up and I had a new frock on which made me feel good.<br />
<br />
So it was formal but also quite a loose party with booze flowing, coloured lights and a DJ playing great tunes. The night was buzzing. I took control of my drinks right from the outset and asked for my fizzy water to be served in a champagne flute which was satisfying enough. Later I had a lemon, lime and bitters and finally a ginger beer.<br />
<br />
It was interesting to see how the night felt given my sad pang earlier in the week. It actually went fine.<br />
<br />
I didn't give a toss that others were boozing, didn't wish I was, didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable. I had nice chats with people, met some nice people, felt fine overall. It was never going to be a complete blinder for me because aside from Mr D I didn't have any loved ones there. No close friends, no family. Not my tribe.<br />
<br />
We lasted 4 hours and by then people were starting to dance (which I wasn't really in the mood for) and get a little bit sloppier. Nothing terrible.. but I felt very sober and was ready to go home. My feet hurt a bit and I was all talked out. So Mr D and I said our goodbyes and left.<br />
<br />
I drove home, took off my makeup, then slept for 8 hours straight. Woke up this morning with no hangover, no guilt and no sad pangs about my sober lifestyle.<br />
<br />
I'm ok with being a non-drinker. I'm ok that I'll never cut loose at a party with booze in my blood. What I have gained in recovery more than makes up for any brief sad pangs that I might have in the future. I love feeling grounded and connected with myself, my kids, my family and my true friends. I love trusting myself in every scenario. It's all good.<br />
<br />
And roof top parties in New York are probably overrated anyway.<br />
<br />
Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
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<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-74045812195079616522017-11-09T09:56:00.000+13:002017-11-09T09:56:21.177+13:00I will never stop working on myself...Ok so it took me a few days to recover from my sugar binge.. was battling cravings for a while there and let some more sugar/crap in here and there. Jeepers it's bloody scary how my brain just latches on and craves more, more, more when I open up and allow the stuff in. I am such a bloody addict.<br />
<br />
But anyway I have resisted because I AM NOT LETTING THAT SHIT BACK IN AND I AM NOT GOING BACK TO LIVING LOST IN A SEA OF CRAP SUBSTANCES THAT DO NOTHING GOOD FOR MY BODY OR MIND (sorry for yelling but am very determined to get on top of my demons and live with a brain free from cravings and compulsions).<br />
<br />
And sure enough after resisting for long enough (usually about 3 days) I am once again cravings free and am able to spend my evenings thinking about what I want to think about and not just thinking about whether or not I'm going to eat sugar/floury crap.<br />
<br />
I was describing to some non-addict friends the other day how all consuming and boring it is inside my head when I am a slave to my cravings. How I will literally spend an evening looking and acting normally but privately inside my head I am just thinking, thinking, thinking about the substance I want to get hold of. Used to be alcohol obviously (but that ship has sailed yippee!), but more lately it's definitely been the flour/sugary foods that I respond to in the same way.<br />
<br />
I know this sounds like "first world problems" (I hate that saying), i.e. not that bad or at least like nothing 'special' because everyone has this issue given we're all waking up to the evils of sugar and processed foods. But this is my reality and this is what I am dealing with and I'm facing up to it. My eyes are WIDE open to how I operate emotionally and physically and that my brain responds very dramatically to addictive substances. And living as a woman 'in recovery' for me means not just abstaining from my No. 1 vice (booze) but also from other things that put me back in that cravings/binging/regret cycle.<br />
<br />
Stuck, stuck, stuck.<br />
<br />
So bugger anyone who thinks I'm whining about nothing much. For me I am at my most peaceful and calm inside myself when I am abstaining and free from cravings, and that in turn makes me the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend that I can be. Hence I will not stop working on myself.<br />
<br />
Of course other things are going on, I'm a bit stressed and busy, Mr D has just flown away for a week for work.. life stuff is happening and my emotions are up and down. But in working on myself as I am I'm giving myself the best shot I can at managing life on life's terms (to use a well worn cliche), am riding the waves naturally and with a good, honest intent.. and for that I'm very proud.<br />
<br />
Love, Mrs D xxxMrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-66410512220456569782017-10-26T10:34:00.000+13:002017-10-26T10:36:03.349+13:00Lollies, lollies everywhere!!! Last night I had the biggest sugar binge known to mankind. It was totally reckless and crazy, especially given I've been about 3 and a half months mostly sugar and flour free. Have been doing incredibly well with my food - finally after 6 years of sobriety! - thanks to the <a href="https://brightlineeating.com/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Bright Line Eating</span></a> book by <span style="color: red;"><a href="https://susanpeircethompson.com/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Dr Susan Peirce Thompson</span></a>. </span>I've been following her plan to the letter, have been free of cravings and guilt and have lost 7kg (that's over 15 pounds for you lot overseas).<br />
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span>
But yesterday afternoon I was sitting at the pool while my son had his swimming lesson and my whole body was aching thanks to a sore back I got over the weekend sleeping on a shitty bed, a heavy period and just general hunger and tiredness. I got home and ate a small dinner then without even deciding to I hooked into some leftover lollies from our weekend away and just ATE THEM ALL LIKE A CRAZY WOMAN!<br />
<br />
I didn't even care! I hid in my bedroom and went crazy. Mini bag after mini bag I tore open and shoved them in my gob. My mouth and tongue hurt, my fingers were sticky, I knew that I'd feel sick afterwards and really bad this morning but I just kept going. More, more, more, more, more.<br />
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Then I fell asleep surrounded by empty packets and woke up with candy stuck in my hair. I'm not even joking.<br />
<br />
But you know what? I'm not beating myself up. I am not. I am treating myself with kindness and understanding because if nothing else over the 6 years of being sober I have learned that this is the most important thing. To pick yourself up with kindness, to forge ahead knowing and accepting that you're not perfect and never will be. To acknowledge that being a human is hard fucking work and sometimes hormones and exhaustion and general over-it feelings about life will be overwhelming. And to know that a binge does not equal me going back into a world of crappy habits.<br />
<br />
I am learning so much about myself and my brain and how I work and who I am. I am a vastly different, much more wide-awake person than I was when I first started on my recovery journey. I have come SUCH a long way, and have been through such immense personal growth.. like seriously what I have learnt and what I have done in turning my life around is fucking impressive and it's impacted not only me but all my loved ones.<br />
<br />
So one almighty, colossal sugar binge is not going to suddenly send me backwards.. it's simply not possible for me to go back to who I was before. I know too much, understand too much, feel too different and have new habits and desires.<br />
<br />
I do have a bit of a sick feeling in my tummy but today will be back to a normal day for me food-wise. Lots of veggies and protein and herbal tea and little bits of fruit and fat. Emotionally I'm still a bit tender and physically I'm still a bit sore.. so loving kindness for me all day. And understanding.<br />
<br />
I'm not perfect and that's perfectly ok.<br />
<br />
And lollies aren't all they're cracked out to be anyway.<br />
<br />
Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
<br />
<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-1626295978468629882017-10-02T09:26:00.000+13:002017-10-02T09:29:34.319+13:00Out of the darkness and into the light..I know Facebook can be a tricky place emotionally for us sober people.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I see photos of people I know out in town having drinkies, or families I know having BBQs together, and it can make me feel a bit sad and left out like being sober has cut me out of the fun. Usually I get hit with these sad and left-out feelings when I'm tired or low in mood already. If I'm in a good strong place I see those images and don't give a jot. So I can usually quickly flip my sad and left-out feelings around to recognise where I'm at emotionally and that helps.<br />
<br />
I've also had experiences when I've been interviewed for a newspaper article about something to do with sobriety or my books or whatever.. and that media company has shared the link on their Facebook page and the comments section underneath the post has been less than kind (especially when I dared to suggest that taking alcohol out of the supermarkets would be a nice recognition that alcohol isn't a harmless ordinary commodity for some of us). Some people can be very unkind and, frankly, downright rude and awful when they comment on such posts. That is Facebook at it's worst.<br />
<br />
But I have to say that on my own <a href="https://www.facebook.com/mrsdisgoingwithout/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Facebook page</span></a> (which is called Mrs D Is Going Without) I am constantly blown away by how lovely and kind everyone is! I just published a post there yesterday which was called 'Twenty reasons why hangover free weekend mornings are the best' and it's had a very awesome response.<br />
<br />
I'm most surprised at how honest people are being on Facebook about their own situation. I thought Facebook would be a tricky place for people to open up about their struggles with alcohol because it's so public. But maybe the tide is turning and more people are feeling unashamed to admit that they have a problem. Certainly on my Facebook page it seems like more people are comfortable stating they've faced up to the fact that alcohol is causing grief in their life, they've working hard to take it away and now they feel so much better without it!<br />
<br />
And that's the best thing about more people being honest in public, it starts to broaden the message and get it more out there that not only is it possible to live without alcohol but preferable! When I was stuck in a boozy hell-hole I only had a very vague notion that people got sober and got happy.. mostly I was just brainwashed to think that alcohol was necessary for a fun, full life and living without it would lead to abject misery and boredom.<br />
<br />
IT'S JUST NOT TRUE! I don't touch alcohol ever, don't miss it and have a great, full life! And now it seems to me more people are publicly backing this up and agreeing. That's so great! Because for every one person being honest on Facebook there are probably 15 more who are lurking and still feeling lonely and stuck and perhaps ashamed (they shouldn't - there is no shame in getting addicted to something that is addictive. That doesn't make us bad or weak people.) And if those lurkers can see more people expressing joy and freedom at living alcohol free perhaps they'll feel strengthened to give it a go as well.<br />
<br />
And that's what this is all about. That is why I blog and Facebook and <a href="https://www.instagram.com/mrs_d_alcoholfree/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Instagram</span></a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/MrsDalcoholfree" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Tweet</span></a> and run <a href="http://www.livingsober.org.nz/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Living Sober</span></a>.. to drag more people out of a boozy hell and into sobriety. Come out of the darkness and into the light. Leave that shitty liquid behind that is lying to you, stifling your inner spark and numbing your emotions.. and start to live sober.<br />
<br />
Raw, real, recovered. I highly recommend it.<br />
<br />
Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-2716632723903052952017-09-12T15:25:00.001+12:002017-09-12T15:56:13.928+12:00The big adjustmentIf you are embarking on a mission to remove alcohol from your life and get sober, it's no understatement to say it's probably going to be one of the most monumental processes you're ever going to go through.<br />
<br />
I remember when I first quit drinking it was like I was an intergalactic traveller that had been plonked down on an entirely different planet. I moved around as though I was hindered by a ginormous spacesuit, struggling to interact with others or even sit comfortably with myself for any length of time.<br />
<br />
I lurched from emotional state to emotional state - one minute deeply sad, the next irate, then nervy, followed closely by bored. Anything slightly troublesome or problematic caused me to jerk uncomfortably into action. I'd frantically look around for some sort of remedy for my woes.<br />
<br />
Oh, I'm sad! I need something to take this sadness away!<br />
<br />
Yikes, I'm grumpy! Quick help me deal with this anger!<br />
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OMG I'm bored! How can I make this boredom go away!<br />
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I was looking for quick fixes. Fast solutions. Easy remedies. Because of course that is what I was used to. My usual fix/solution/remedy to any sort of feeling (but especially the uncomfortable ones) was just one pour away. It was alcohol. Alcohol had always been my main man, my go-to problem solver, my beloved cure-all.<br />
<br />
So with alcohol out of the picture and life stuff keeping on happening, the biggest adjustment for me was learning how to relax about my feelings and stop grasping for instant solutions. To put it bluntly I had to learn how to chill out and slow the fuck down.<br />
<br />
And this is the big adjustment in sobriety I think. This is the crux of what getting quitting booze is all about. When we remove our liquid solution we have to learn to relax into whatever is going on - as uncomfortable as it may be - allow it to occur, allow feelings to be just as they are, trust that things will shift and change, and chill.<br />
<br />
Sounds easy but in practice it is not and I have to be honest and say it took me an awfully long time to do this. But now, six years after my last drink, I am a far more chilled out version of myself than I ever was. I am used to feeling the whole range of my emotions. I have stopped looking for something, anything, to help me deal with shit. I have relaxed.<br />
<br />
There's a great mindfulness saying which is 'respond don't react' which would make a very good mantra for people getting sober. When we're in active addiction we are reacting constantly - taking quick actions based on immediate, surface feelings. The problem is when we do this we aren't pausing to give the wise, calm parts of ourselves a change to get involved. Acting responsively, on the other hand, is much better because we're pausing to take stock and giving ourselves time to respond in a calmer and more considered way.<br />
<br />
To live reactively is quick and hard. To live responsively is gentle and soft.<br />
<br />
To live as a boozer is quick and hard. To live sober is gentle and soft.<br />
<br />
This is the big adjustment. It takes time and it takes work. But know that the longer you go not drinking the more naturally you will calm down into a more responsive way of living.<br />
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And trust me, that's a great way to be.<br />
<br />
Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
<br />
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<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-35924312757780663582017-09-03T09:21:00.001+12:002017-09-03T09:22:23.549+12:00SIX!!! (a mighty fine number of sober years).Heading for a big Soberversary and am quite excited about that. In 3 days time I will be SIX years sober!! Woo Hoo!!<br />
<br />
Soberversaries are funny things though.. especially early on I remember building up to them and being weirdly let down when they failed to deliver anything particularly special. There was always that realisation that it's just another sober day in a long line of sober days.. and that celebrations aren't the big (boozy) things that they used to be.<br />
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Because lets face it - any celebration in my former life would involve champagne - like somehow adding bubbles to alcohol made it more festive. I suppose bubbles are festive but you know what I mean... celebrations were just another excuse for me to drink more than I usually did.<br />
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But as the years have gone by and I've settled into my sober life I've gotten used to more gentle and subtle emotions, and in doing so I've come to enjoy Soberversaries for their authentic nature. They're not artificially forced high points that come from a bottle. They're authentic and meaningful which is far more satisfying ... and I appreciate everything they provide.<br />
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They provide me with an opportunity to reflect on how far I've come.<br />
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They provide me with an increased appreciation for having left my disconnected boozy lifestyle behind.<br />
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They provide me with a day full of quiet pride and joy.<br />
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They provide me with a reason to treat myself in little special ways.<br />
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They provide me with an excuse to shout my achievement on social media which hopefully helps others.<br />
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And they provide me with a new lovely number to claim for my own. And boy do I love watching that number climb.<br />
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SIX! What a mighty fine number of sober years that is. I love how it keeps climbing. I can't wait to get to 10, 15.. even 20 years!!!!!! I love being in long-term recovery. It's the gift that keeps on giving.<br />
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Not saying it's fun and easy all the time - no way. But being sober is incredibly rewarding precisely because it's hard bloody work a lot of the time.<br />
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And we all know hard work never killed anybody and I'm certainly up for the challenge of life in the raw every single day.<br />
<br />
Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
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<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-921119446130836418.post-38028659369661928902017-08-21T17:49:00.000+12:002017-08-21T17:50:08.187+12:00Sobriety - it only brings good things.OMG I can't believe I've been going SO LONG now without eating any sugar or flour and I'm feeling SO GREAT!! I almost can't believe it! Who am I? Maybe this is me and finally at nearly 6 years sober I've gotten my shit together regarding food and this will be me for the rest of my life....<br />
<br />
Maybe....<br />
<br />
Or maybe not. Whatever the case I am thoroughly enjoying being cravings free and guilt free and generally just feeling lighter and happier without those sugary/floury foods (and believe me, when I go for them I really go for them and the past year while writing and putting out the new book I was REALLY going for them....)<br />
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No big weight loss as yet but it's not about that (although I'd be lying if I said I'm not hoping for a bit of a drop!) .. mostly it's about feeling free mentally from the obsession and binging and guilt.<br />
<br />
Just to be clear I would class myself as 95% free from flour and sugar. I do sometimes have some fruit cordial with my fizzy water or sweet chilli sauce with my dinner. A few times I've had a piece of pie with pastry around it or a little bit of pasta. So there is some flour getting in there and some sugar.<br />
<br />
I've found that letting in these very small amounts is enough to keep the cravings at bay. And if I do eat something sweet (like the other night I went out with girlfriends for pudding and I ordered a fruit crumble but asked for no ice cream and left half the topping behind) I know that the next day I'll probably have a craving.. and sure enough after my crumble-eating night I did. The following evening I found myself itching for something sweet, my thoughts were pulling me in that direction.<br />
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But I was prepared for it and tried to observe the craving with interest rather than fight it and think stressfully about it (and certainly not act on it!). I noticed the craving thoughts but didn't let them bed in and dominate. I told myself the craving was like a wave and would pass. I visualised myself getting into bed without having had anything sweet (like I used to when I first quit drinking, I'd visualise myself climbing into bed without having a drink). I put on the jug and made myself a cup of tea and sure enough the craving passed and I didn't spend my entire evening obsessing and the next day it was gone!<br />
<br />
If I don't feed the cravings (literally) they die!<br />
<br />
Like I said earlier.. long may this healthy eating phase last!<br />
<br />
So this isn't really about drinking and I'm sorry about that because I get the feeling a lot of people visit this blog to read about sobriety except to say there is NO WAY I would be here now living my best life, learning about myself, accepting who I am and how my brain works if I hadn't quit drinking nearly 6 years ago.<br />
<br />
I challenge anyone to find someone in long term recovery who hasn't experienced positive developments in their life.<br />
<br />
Also quickly just to end on I'd like to update my Blog List (running down the left hand side of my blog page in case you are reading this on email). If you write a blog or can recommend someone else's sober blog please let me know so I can add it to my list!<br />
<br />
Love, Mrs D xxx<br />
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<br />Mrs Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13110933370498728198noreply@blogger.com9