For the most part I cruise along in my life… in my nice little sober bubble.. being a busy wife and mother.. blogging.. meeting up with girlfriends.. folding endless piles of washing and emptying the dishwasher a million times a week.
And now my bubble has expanded massively (or popped?) and there are loads more people inside my life.. emailing and phoning and texting.. friends and new collaborators and media people and publicists.. and there's stuff going on. Lots of stuff.
And I'm like a 3-year-old lurching from one emotional state to another. I'm elated one minute, stressed the next, excited, offended, teary, nervous, happy, wound up, determined… you name it I've probably experienced every emotion under the sun in the past week - sometimes 5 just within one hour! - and it's only going to get more intense.
And there's still this part of me that feels like I shouldn't be doing all this emoting.. I should be smoothly sailing through my busy life with a zen smile on my face calmly interacting with all the people around me.
Not sitting in my car outside school crying on the phone to Mr D because I feel someone isn't treating me respectfully (I got over that by putting my onesie on at 3.20pm and eating chips and dip with my boys).
Then just this morning… five minutes ago no less.. I had these powerful thoughts come into my head. And so I want to use this blog to talk to myself here...
"Mrs D - This is sober living. This is practicing what you preach. This is how a busy sober person reacts to things. With real, strong emotions. Don't resist. Ride the waves! You can expand your sober bubble to let in more noise and interaction. You are robust. But most of all .. you are sober. You are not a miserable boozer any more.. numbing your feelings and avoiding authentic reactions. Be happy that you are experiencing all of this without wine clouding the way. Go with the flow.. no-one is judging you for how you handle yourself.. no-one is scoring you down every time your emotions peak. Feel away!!"
That makes me feel a little better. I'm still strapped in tightly to the emotional roller coaster of life… or clinging tightly to the bucking bull of emotion.. (choose your metaphor, they're both pretty crap)..lurching from one state to another.. but it's ok. I wouldn't want it any other way.
And now to lurch my emotional butt off this computer chair, go to do some housework and then get myself down to the dentist - it's all glamour here baby!
Love, Mrs D xxx
I am so happy that you allow yourself to experience emotions. Some of the AA folks are into the "easy does it" thing and try not to feel anything with much depth. (I use to date one, sort of)
ReplyDeleteI am happy you chose to live a normal life instead of one where you don't invest yourself in anything.
I've just finished reading all your blogs. Like others have said I feel like I could've written this. It's amazing to me that others view alcohol the same way as I have, planning my life around it. I can relate to all your stories about drinking too much. I'm on day 3 and about to go out for dinner with someone I don't particularly feel comfortable with so this will be a good test. I've already decided though that enough is enough. Time to stop this craziness!
ReplyDeleteHave I ever told you that I adore you? And that if we didn't live half a world apart we would make the best neighbors? And also that I unload the dishwasher a million times a week too?
ReplyDeleteRide the waves is right. I have *just* been thinking about how being sober gives me access to all these emotions I never had before. :/ And how being sober gives me access to all these emotions I never had before! :) And that shit is HARD sometimes. And also delightful. Oh, that's just like sobriety.
You might need a pocket onesie for emergency situations. A virtual onesie? Is there a onesie app? :)
Thanks for that Mrs.D it was just right.
ReplyDeleteI think letting the emotions come is necessary. Otherwise the lure of quieting them with wine becomes greater.
ReplyDeleteKeep your bubble protected! It is very inspiring to see people embrace their sober life publicly. But you need to make sure you still take care of you first!!!!
i think we have the same emotions now that we're sober as when we were drinking, only now we feel them full force because we accept them as ours and don't try to deflect with substances. It's a stronger feeling, but so much more authentic that i wouldn't trade it for the world.
ReplyDeleteRide the waves baby...but remember...in the surfing world we're still novices. Surfing those massive waves takes a lifetime of practice and we've just begun.
ReplyDeleteWiping out once in a while is to be expected right?
Even for celebrities LIKE YOU!!! Woo-hoo!!
Celebrities like you aren't supposed to have breakdowns...you get your publicists to do that for you...ha ha.
ReplyDeleteFeeling our emotions is a bitch at times. I know. But it's in moving forward and absorbing them while dealing with them sober is where growth comes. (I say that needing to take my own advice...ha ha)
Blessings,
Paul
Thanks for sharing your emotions and inner experiences.
ReplyDelete