I just logged in to Twitter and the top tweet in my feed says "Let your tears come. Let them water your soul."
Today my tears are quick to come, they're popping out and then going back again, popping out and going back. We are about to lose a dearly loved one and it hurts, it's hard.
I never used to cry much when I was boozing. And I always say that I cry more now I'm sober. I said that to Mr D the other day and he said "yes you did" (cry when I was boozing) which kind of took the sober wind out of my sails. But he is right - of course I did cry when I was boozing - but the crying I do now I'm sober feels different. It feels more authentic and proper somehow. Gentler, sadder, more uncomfortable. He can't possibly know that.
I was talking to a friend the other day about something big and bad that happened to me 20+ years ago and I suddenly burst out sobbing when I was talking to her. Sobbing. This thing happened 20+ years ago! But I couldn't hold in the gulping tears. They came from way deep down. It was unexpected, weird, and uncomfortable. But since that day I've felt somehow better about that thing that happened all those years ago. Like just expressing the deep sadness with tears was enough to shift it inside of me a little. How amazing that letting those tears out did that.
Earlier today I replied to the Living Sober member mentioned above "These tears are important…let them come… feel the deep awful just fucking uncomfortable sadness and pain… feel it… I promise when you look back at this day and all the emotion that you let flow you will feel more at peace with it. Your feelings are real and there for a reason.. so feel them and let the tears flow."
Like I'm some goddam guru of life - I'm not! But I'm speaking to her based on my experience. I've discovered that crying, when coupled with feeling my emotions in a raw state, is very cathartic and powerful. I don't know why. Maybe the tweeter above is right, maybe our tears are watering our souls. That sounds kind of a bit kooky. Another way to put it might be "Let your tears come. Let them fall freely so that you may free yourself". Also a bit new-agey and kooky. What about "Let your tears come. It's how we are built to live". Hhhmmm, not sure I've nailed a snappy line about why tears are powerful. What about this…
"Let your tears come. They are fucking amazing."
Love, Mrs D xxx
let your tears come, they will heal you, let your tears come they will free you, let the rain fall, don't hide from the storm, stand out in the middle of it, embrace the pain,
ReplyDeletelet the storm drench you and the lightning strike, let the thunder shake you and watch the skies ignite,
let your tears come, even though they burn, let your tears come, own them and learn. xxxx
Wow Mr. Tea, that is great! Did you just write that?
DeleteI agree Mrs D - tears are freeing yet for some of us deeply uncomfortable territory. I keep crying on my course, in front of people *gasp, shock horror* and they are crying too! But the more it happens the less ashamed I feel. Cathartic and healing indeed :) xx
ReplyDeleteWhat course are you doing Lucy? I once did a course in Intuitive Therapy which was absolutely amazing. A few sudden tears happened often there, and it was a beautiful thing really, exploring those feelings and the healing it resulted in xo
DeleteYou are so right!!! The tears ARE more authentic now. They are cleansing. A therapist once told me that crying is God's Prozac. That was before I got sober. Now I understand what he meant.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think you're a Goddard
Stupid blogger...I think you are a fucking guru so there!!!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, watering the soul, tears here lots off them, I've been ashamed of them but I think after reading this I will embrace them and learn that they're natural and healing. Thank you xxx Huge hugs all round.
ReplyDeleteWhat does it mean when you feel like crying but you can't / don't? I've had a lot of that going on lately... :( Otherwise I am doing good, on Day 265. I guess it is just "bad feelings" that I have to sit with and maybe they aren't deep or hurtful enough to really produce tears about? Maybe just anxiety?
ReplyDeleteI was at yoga and burst out crying, sobbing, and most people thought I was nuts. But my yoga teacher was awesome. Crying is a way for us to release feelings, sad feelings or just frustrations. I had no idea why I was crying, I just felt a deep sadness that day!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand what you mean by tears feeling more authentic. That is exactly it. All of our feelings are more real now and they're hard to cope with. Within a few weeks of my getting sober it was the tenth anniversary of my mum's death (she committed suicide during a relapse), her birthday and Mother's Day. On the anniversary I felt like I had grieved for her properly for the first time; really strong, sobbing tears and my husband just held me through them, with our son looking rather bewildered. And sometimes I cry for no reason and other times I want to cry and I can't. It's all so strange. I will be nine months sober on the 10th.
ReplyDeleteHey Mrs. D,
ReplyDeleteJust want to let you know how much your blog has helped me. Your enthusiasm for sobriety is catching! I laughed when I read some of your first posts about getting no hits on your stats. That's where I am! The only one reading my epic blog is me! So just in the hope of getting one hit, here's where I can be found.
http://tryingsobriety.wordpress.com/
And thanks again!
I cannot cry in public. I was raised to believe that crying in public or in front of anyone is a sign of weakness. So I learned to cry in private, when no one is watching, no one can hear. Did you know that the best place for crying is in the shower? No one can hear and water cleanses you, washed away your tears. It is almost cathartic. And it is definitely liberating.
ReplyDelete