Emotions..

Ok, so some more on this squashing down emotions thing.  My post yesterday has got me thinking.  Is a desire to squash down my emotions the reason why I've been drinking heavily since I was about 17?  I mean, my childhood was pretty awesome I think, close family and all.  My parents did divorce when when I was 21 but I don't want to go on about it because how many millions of people are the product of divorce?  But is that the reason for my heavy drinking that's led me to this place?

Perhaps unsurprisingly I trained and moved into an industry that very interesting and stimulating, and known for being boozy.  High stress, regular deadlines, lots of social functions, drinking.  Lots of boozers at work.  So a fun decade in my 20s boozing in the office and with workmates (but with that home base gone).  Travelled and lived in London, same industry, lots of parties, boozing. 

Then met the lovely Mr D, also a drinker but without the 'gene'. He can stop.  But we boozed together and travelled while drinking wine and developed a fun house with friends and food and wine.  Then the kids came along.  Big Fella!  Middle Dude and Little Guy! Managed to get through the pregnancies and breastfeeding with minimal wine drinking but once the kids stopped breastfeeding my 5-o'clock habit was getting fully entrenched. 

My body clock is amazing - 5pm on the dot, or about 4.45 I'll look at the clock and think 'almost wine time!'.  Wrestle with myself about whether to get any during the day.  Pick up a bottle during the course of the day.  Pop the top at 5pm and it's gone by 7.

But lately 1 bottle just hasn't been enough. I needed one bottle and 2 glasses more just for myself to feel 'full'.  Binging.  And loyal readers of my blog (ha ha) will know the rest, the cycle I've been in. 

So that's a potted history of my drinking history.  There's far more detail obviously.  Tomorrow's blog I'll write about how I have felt since day one of drinking and try to work out why I have always liked the feeling of being inebriated.

Love, Mrs D xxx

More reminders...

Yeah this sure is a head game, I have thoughts pop into my head constantly that say 'really? never another drink ever again?' and 'Christmas is going to be a real challenge, how boring it will be' and 'boring! boring!' and 'you're not that bad are you? lots of people drink!"..

So here, Mrs D, are some reminders to yourself (this talking to myself is getting weird.  If only I had some readers...)

* Going on holiday to a camping ground with a bunch of old mates and getting so hammered on the last night I was finishing everyone else's wine and ended up falling into our unit and puking in the toilet.  Classy.  Lost a favourite earring that night.  Felt very depressed for a week or two afterwards.

* Lost another earring another random week night binge at home, think vomiting might have been involved that night as well.  Where do these earrings go? Down the toilet?

* Going to a gig - Jarvis Cocker!! - with my sister and we both got plastered and I ended up standing on the floor, flat floor with carpet, and just suddenly falling backwards and spilling my drink.  Total loss of balance.  Nice (not).

* Going to a show (Grease the musical, opening night, free tickets).  Having 3 drinks before the show, needing to leave half way through the first half to pee, standing on the sidelines waiting till the intermission not wanting to piss off all the people I had to squeeze past to get back to my seat.  Straight to the bar to buy another drink to take in to the second half.  Having more drinks at the after party.  Was this seeing a show or just another opportunity to drink lots?  Why is alcohol always taking the front seat in the story of my life?

* Another free ticket, this time to the amazing Walking With Dinosaurs.  Free drinks at the pre-party, had at least 3. Took another in to the show (spilt red wine on the floor in front of some people when the Middle Dude bumped my arm).  Again the loo before half time and making sure I got another drink to have during the break and another to take in to the second half.  Again, booze booze booze.

I ate a lot yesterday.  Pigged out.  Then in the evening I was watching Oprah recorded from earlier in the day and she had a doctor talking about how emotionally disturbed people might control their emotions and one way was drugs and alcohol addiction, another was over eating. She said people eat a lot to 'squash down their emotions'.  So, have I been using alcohol to squash down emotions and yesterday did I overeat to squash down the emotions I'm feeling about my big life change?

Interesting.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Collapsing..

My body is collapsing that is.  It's so weird.  I used to pride myself on how physically strong I was and how I never got sick.  The odd tummy bug off the kids, occasionally some sinus issues but nothing really to write home about.  I've even joked to Mr D on occasion that it's my red wine diet that keeps me in such good health!

But now I've got a terrible head cold and my ears are completely blocked and .. this is worse .. much worse .. a pimple!  A PIMPLE FOR GODS SAKE!!!!!!!  I haven't had a pimple for at least 15 years and even before then they were few and far between. But now it's blinking at me from smack bang in the middle of my chin and I think .. hang on let me check .. yes, it's got a wee whitehead.  What???  How truly disgusting.  What on earth is going on? 

On a more positive note I've decided that now that I'm not pouring close to $100 worth of wine down my throat each week, I'm going to spend more on other fun things that I usually never shop for.  Clothes for me for one thing, and kitchen gadgets.

A garlic crusher!  A good can opener!  A wooden salad bowl!  What treats. You go girl.

Love, Mrs D xxx

More inspiration..

Making more announcements to friends and family which is strangely empowering and intimidating at the same time.  Basically what I'm doing is announcing to close people that I'm a problem drinker.  I mean normal drinkers don't give up alcohol do they..?  So that is refreshing in some ways, a relief to be brutally honest to everyone about my secret dysfunction but also really scary as I'm setting myself up to be watched now.  There has to be no failure!

I dunno, to be honest removing alcohol hasn't proved a problem yet although it is early days early days early days.

Anyhoo I'm reading Kelly Cutrone's "If you have to cry go outside" and while she's quite (understandably) full of herself she has a great chapter on finding inner strength and silencing negative thoughts.  She's got her own spirituality (and I know AA talks about recognising a higher power) and credits a lot of her self discovery and empowerment to finding and following this spirituality (some yogi called "Mother"??).

Personally I'm not reaching outside of myself yet for empowerment, am going to just find the power in me.  I do think I'm strong and if I can really prove it to myself by making this big scary change alone then there will be no doubt!

Some great quotes from Kelly Cutrone:

"The mind uses fear throughout our lives as one of many blunt objects with which to clock our soul over the head before gagging it, binding it with black electrical tape, and throwing it out of the driver's seat and into the trunk"

"So I started to play ball with my fears.  "Bring it!" I'd say when seized by that familiar pit in my stomach. .. I asked my fear exactly what it had to say to me.  .. I followed my fears to their worst possible conclusions, .. , and what I realised each time was that no matter what happened, I was going to be fine.  I remembered that family and tribe members are key, but also that ultimately I have everything I need to survive inside of me."

"I believe that the universe constantly rearranges itself to support your idea of reality.  If you're always thinking Life sucks, and I suck, you're definitely going to see a lot of dismal shit out there.  On the other hand, if your idea of reality is that you're a privileged, elegant human being and every day you think, I am a privileged, elegant human being I am a privileged, elegant human being then eventually you will become a privileged and elegant human being.  It may take five minutes or it may take five years, but that will become your experience of yourself."

Go Kelly!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Hot topic

Oh well it's the hot topic of conversation now.  My sobriety.  Man that sounds dramatic!  Told my other sister when we were talking on the phone about something unrelated and I started crying so in order to explain my raw emotions I had to tell her "sob sob the reason sniff that I'm crying is that actually sniff sniff I've decided to give up alcohol completely and it's just making sob me feel sniff sniff quite raw and emotional I guess".  Her first reaction was "really? why?" but followed pretty swiftly with "man you're awesome, you're so incredibly strong that is amazing" and then lots and lots of supportive talk. 

So that was cool and then I told another friend when she tried to pour me a bubbles when I was collecting the Big Guy from a birthday party - she was a bit taken aback (I pointed to her glass and said "the thing is I don't just want one of those I want six").  After 10 minutes it was completely irrelevant that I had coke in my flute rather than champagne.  (I'm going to keep drinking my non-alcohol beverages out of wine glasses, I don't want to suffer stem withdrawals).

And then I told my sister-in-law today and she said "What, never again??!!", so I said "well that's the plan, I mean life is really long, but yeah, that's the plan.  Say hello to the new sober Mrs D" (at that last statement I held my arms outstretched, yeah never lose the drama moment I say).

By the way on the topic of it being a long life and never say never - although keep to the plan etc etc - just finished Steven Tyler's autobiography and he was sober for 12 years and then had a few almighty relapses and ended up back in rehab.

So yeah, long life. 

Love, Mrs D xxx

Hello Russia!

Wicked! Had a spike in stats yesterday because of 3 hits from Russia!  Helloooooooo out there.  Are you a housewife and mother harbouring a guilty drinking secret too?  Are you going to try and remove alcohol from your life?  Talk to me!

I dunno, I feel like my blog is so searingly honest and revealing and interesting and witty but .. actually .. it might be .. well .. boring. 

I keep hitting "next blog" when I'm here and finding a whole series of blogs about HOCKEY!!  Or QUILTING!!!!!!  Or just another HAPPY FAMILY!!!  I don't play hockey and I don't quilt.  Actually I don't scrapbook, sew, knit or even arrange flowers (although I do sometimes buy a bunch and put them in a vase).

I cook (a lot), I potter around cleaning my house and looking after my three sons.  I read some novels, crime ones mostly but also autobiographies and just cracking good reads.  I watch a lot of television.  I go to the gym.  I am doing my MA thesis part time.  I try to be a good friend, neighbour, sister, daughter, mother and wife.  And up until about 2 months ago. I drank a lot of wine.  A lot.  A crap-load of wine.

So now I don't do that.  I blog instead but that doesn't fill in as much time as the wine did.  Some of my books are now about sobriety and "unfolding enlightenment" (blah) but otherwise my life is the same. 

But now, without the wine, it feels quite boring.  You've got to cut me some slack about that.  I have had wine spicing things up regularly for 20 years. 

Love, Mrs D xxx

Shitty..

I'm really tired and really shitty and really would love a drink.  There, I said it. 

Little guy woke up at 5-o-fucking-clock and wouldn't go back to sleep so I've been up since then and I've just been shitty shitty shitty ever since.  He played with my wallet and now both my money card and my credit card are now completely missing which I discovered at the counter of Warehouse Stationery.

Yelled at the Big Fella for pestering me to help him with his stupid computer game (which in hindsight wasn't a criminal offence but boy did I yell).. my temper was quick to rise and BAM there it was.  YELLING YELLING YELLING.

I just feel really grumpy and tired and grumpy and tired just so tired.  The house feels really dusty and gross and .. I think I just need a nap actually.

Usually I'd drink a bottle (and a bit) of wine at the end of a day like this and then sleep like crap and then feel even tireder tomorrow.  So the wine doesn't make me rested.  Does the wine help relieve any stress?  No.  Is the wine fun and naughty and does it take me away from my hard boring life as a housewife and mother of three?  Yes!!  Yes yes yes it does.

Don't worry I'm not going to drink.  No way.  I just have to live this shitty grumpy tired day and go to sleep tonight and maybe tomorrow will be easier.

Ok, a plan.  40 mins of hard-out cleaning to make me feel better about the house and then I can sit down to relax until Little Guy wakes up from his nap.

Love, Mrs D xxx

going strong..

Still feeling good, strong, amazing about my decision to remove alcohol from my life.  Haven't had a single pull to drink.  Mr D is away for work and there's a full bottle of sav in the fridge and some red in the pantry and I didn't even think about it.

I feel like I've been working up to this point for a few years now.  Enough of the mindless pouring of booze down my throat.  Heading in a stupid and very very serious direction with my drinking.  Where did I think it was going to end up?  What sort of life path are you on if you are pouring so much wine down your throat?

I was a 2nd day drinker.  Have a binge, then have a hangover, so the second day is a light one, just 1-3 wines.  Then the next day, no big hangover so have a binge again!  How many hours have I spent thinking about booze, working to obtain it.  Drinking it - being impaired by it. And then recovering from it. How many many hours spent on that.

So now, I have a sober brain and a sober life facing me.  Life, here I am.  That's the raw feeling I suppose.  But what can I achieve now?  Great things! 

Note to self: get new hobby.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Friends reaction..

Was out shopping at the mall yesterday - child free! - and bumped into some mates.  We were chowing down in the food hall together having lunch and for some reason I told them I'd given up the booze.  Forever! I said.  They seemed a little bemused but interested and kind of didn't say much. They probably don't understand why, or know what to say.  I was kind of breezy about it.  Didn't really explain how dysfunctional my drinking is, although I'm sure I've tried to tell her before.

It's hard for people to really get it.  Even Mr D took years to understand me and my dysfunctional drinking and why it is so unhealthy and unsustainable, and it's been staring him in the face for years.  No one really knows except you, the drinker. 

No-one else can hear your inner voice and feel your insane pull to drink.

No-one else knows your sneaky filling each glass to the rim and slurping the top down immediately.

No-one else knows your one or two drinks out will end in a trip to the store on the way home for another bottle to finish up because once you've started it's very very very very hard to stop.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Uptight..

Last night was a bit of a test.  The in-laws came over for an early pizza supper (home-made pizzas I might add, made by MOI!) .. they bought beer and wine.  Mr D and Mr D senior had a few beers, Mrs D senior had a couple of wines, Mr D also had a few wines after his beers (he seems to drink more when I'm not drinking.  I think he used to hold back so that someone was in control and also because I would get grumpy if he drank too much of the wine!).  Anyhow I just didn't drink and didn't say anything about it and no-one made any comments.  But there's no flies on Mrs D senior and I'm sure she would have noticed.  She probably thinks I'm pregnant.

At one point Mr D asked me quietly in the kitchen how I was and I said "Ok, but I feel quite uptight".  He gave me a big snuggle and some lovely kisses and I felt much better and lighter after that and was able to be in a better mood.

Later in bed (I love it when I get into bed now and have had no wine!) he told me that it wasn't even noticeable that I was feeling uptight.  I thought I was more snappy with the kids (well the Middle Dude did break Big Guy's new glasses, that pissed me off) but he said I was fine really.

I do feel more uptight on an evening like last night because..
1) I'm not relaxing with the alcohol in my system
2) I'm not part of the 'fun' group having a few drinks
3) I'm having to mentally process abstaining from something 'fun' so I'm concentrating on those serious thoughts = serious mood

Hopefully 2) and 3) won't apply for ever because I won't have to think about abstaining so much, I'll just automatically do it, and well as for 2) readers of this blog will know (ha ha! That's a joke!  I have no readers!!) it wasn't fun any more for me anyway.

Quick point here.  Mr and Mrs D senior got to about 3 units of alcohol and stopped.  They just stopped! They'd had enough at that point.  How very functional!  Had the fun lift and then stopped.  If only I could do that.  I would have been pouring wines number 5 & 6 as they were getting ready to leave round 7.30pm.  Probably had wines 7 & 8 before bed.

Anyway, back to my points.  Number 1).  Well my lovely Mr D had a good idea.  Why don't I have a Red Bull or some other horrible drink I would never normally touch, but one that would give me that energy lift at the start of a drinking session.  So I will try that next time I think.

And I need to think about how and when I am going to annouce to people what I am doing.  Why am I hesitating to do that?

Love, Mrs D xxx