Gourmet Food Weekend

Phew.  Ahhh.  Ok.  I'm starting to feel better.  And don't worry, even when I'm feeling like shit and struggling with strong negative emotions like I have been with this relocation, and not sleeping and dreaming about drinking I'm nowhere near actually having a drink.  No way.  Nowhere near.  I don't do that any more.

I struggle with learning how to live sober and having my emotions stripped bare and dealing with life up close, but I don't struggle with cravings or yearnings to drink.  I am never ever ever drinking alcohol ever again. I am bigger and better and stronger than that bloody liquid and I am so so so so so so grateful that I have managed to get it out of my life.

So.  There!

We have just been away for the weekend while two rooms in our house were painted (to get ready to sell) so we drove an hour north to a beach resort and stayed in someone's holiday home we'd hired which was full of games and books and magazines and it had a trampoline and a bath and 2 TVs!

We stopped at a posh deli on the way out of town and spent SHITLOADS of money on treaty treaty food.  Olives, chocolate, pate, salami, beautiful breads and olive oil and all manner of gourmet delights.  Then we stopped at an organic butcher and spent an obscene amount of money on the best steak money can buy and got lots of beautiful fruit and veges from the local market.

And the weekend was great, the boys bounced their hearts out on the trampoline (we don't have one so it was a big novelty factor) and Mr D and I sat around reading and preparing food.  We took the odd trip to the beach or the market but really we just relaxed.  A small oasis of calm in the midst of this relocation storm.

Mr D drank a bit while I was away .. but nothing like he would have if I'd been drinking too. He says he doesn't want to drink lots if I'm sitting there sober, and that's fine by him.  I would have been piling away a lot of wine normally (a weekend like this an excuse to drink more than usual) but you know me nowadays, herbal teas and the odd ginger beer.  It's fine, really it is.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Grief

Our lovely neighbour Mike told me that relocating was one of the hardest things to do, and that leaving a community was like a grief.  The lady at the school office gave me a sympathy look and made a sad noise when I told her we were leaving and that made me feel like crying.  I was pissed off about that because I'd had a good couple of days before that and she's never been my favourite person anyway because she's quite often grumpy and rude.  But in that moment she was kind to me and all the sadness came back again.

Yesterday was another hard day actually, I moved around my community really struggling, talking to my sons kind teachers, talking to all the lovely mums, arranging playdates and sleepovers, talking to my neighbours.

I think I'm always going to look back at this move and say 'that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do'.

I had my first ever drinking dream the other night, and have been regularly imagining drinking and feeling how nice it would be to be able to have wine in the evenings for fun and to help deal with these really strong negative emotions.  I'm just so deeply sad and really grumpy.  These next 5 weeks aren't going to be fun AT ALL.

Yes I know that no-one has died or gotten cancer and that we're so lucky to have each other in this family and I'm so lucky to have so many great friends here that I'll always know (in some form) and that we'll be totally fine in the new city and all of that.  I know all of that.  But this is not nice.  I'm just being honest, that's all.

I really am trying very hard to dig deep and really trying to think positively but I've also got no choice but to be real about these hard negative emotions because they are very powerful and I live sober now and am having to learn new coping strategies to deal with them.

Why is it good to feel and show these negative emotions?  What benefit is it going to have for me going ahead in life?  I suppose I'll be proud that I did this without drinking.  But will doing this sober make it easier to process the change in the months ahead?  I don't know. 

Would wine make these emotions easier to handle? Yes I think it would. I think I'd enjoy blurring my feelings in the evening and being slightly detached from them during the day if I was hungover.  And I think if I was drinking regularly (and probably quite heavily) now I'd be better able to be more cheery and flippant about the move, a bit more heartless perhaps about what I'm leaving behind.

But I don't drink alcohol any more, I never will again.  So here I am grumpy and sad, dreading the next 5 weeks but getting through one goddam sober day at a time.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Amplified..

I'm running the risk of 'over blogging' (if there is such a thing) but in keeping to my primary function of using this site for myself I have to write right now as it's 4.45am and my brain in whirring and I think getting things out in words will help me.

I think the thing is, and I was trying to explain this to Mr D last night, I think the thing about doing this move sober is that for me all the emotion associated with it is way more amplified than it would be before.  It's like someone's put 'relocation headphones' on me and has turned the fucking volume up to one million decibels (if there is such a thing, and sorry about swearing but I just want to swear here ok). 

And normal drinkers or non-drinkers or heavy drinkers don't get this because they're used to whatever their habit is so their emotional volume level is sitting more comfortably where they're used to.  Only people who used heavily then took it clean away know what this is like. I'm still relatively newly sober (7 1/2 months) so my volume is peaking and I"m sure it slowly be turned down as I get used to living without liquid anesthesia.

My eyelids are swollen because yesterday I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed huge gut wrenching sobs all the way home from the University where I'd just told them I needed to put my MA on hold for 3 months and continue via distance learning from August. 

It's not that the Uni thing was particularly gut-wrenching, it was also that I was supposed to be rushing home from that meeting and then taking my 5 year old round the road for a sleep-over but every time I thought yesterday about telling my friend there that we're moving I felt like crying.  This woman is the most awesome lovely strong kind and amazing friend that I have met since we've been here and for some reason saying goodbye to her is really really going to hurt.  We don't see each other all the time because she is back at work now but she is very very special. 

So I had texted Mr D from the corridor outside my supervisors office asking could he please take our boy round and tell my friend that we are going because I was too emotional to do it (which he understood and did) and then I got through my meeting and walked out the door and basically lost it and spent the next 2 hours crying.

It was absolute woe-is-me grief, to be perfectly frank I don't want to be doing any of this.  I don't want to be putting my MA on hold and I don't want to be crying in front of all my friends and I don't want to have to say goodbye to my neighbours and I don't want to be looking for a house to rent in the new city and I don't want to get 3 fucking written quotes for Mr D's firm to approve the furniture removal company and I don't want to be organising gardeners and cleaners and painters and builders to get our house ready for sale and I don't want to deal with real estate agents again and I don't want to talk to schools and help my boys with their nerves about moving and I just don't want to do any of this because I am really really happy here.

And all of this emotional pain is much more keenly felt because I've radically changed my lifestyle.

So FUCK!!  Right I have to fucking snap out of this and dig deep and be smart and fine and cool.  Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.  

Do yoga poses at night to relax.  Burn scented candle lots.  Buy lots of treaty magazines. Think about friends in the new city who are going to be so happy to see us. Think about the fact that Mr D said last night that we're going to rent a really treaty posh house for the interim to make the move more palatable (yes!).  Think about how great it is I've lost weight. Think about how nobody has died or gotten cancer.  Think that this is hard and emotional but totally do-able.  Think about how living in an emotionally real way is the best way to live.   Think about how the new job is the best job in the world for Mr D and he is like a new man standing tall in his shoes again because the old job was so wrong.  Think about how once all the hard work and sadness is over there will be a lot of fun and excitement to look forward to.

Love, Mrs D xxx

F%*#ing normies..

My stress levels are rising with this having-to-move-in-a-hurry business, and I'm bloody knackered thanks to the increased brain noise that is giving me terrible insomnia, and I'm finding it hard to stay all easy-going and calm about things like PEOPLE AROUND ME WHO HAVE NO F%#*ING IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BECOME AND REMAIN SOBER!!!!!!!!

I love that I can come on here and 'talk' in the virtual sense to others who know what it's like, and I enjoy reading all my recovery books that I get from the library (Moments of Clarity by Christopher Kennedy Lawford is the current one - great) but I'm sick of having no-one in my face-to-face life who really gets it.

Now don't get me wrong, Mr D is awesome and he does get it, he really does.  But even so, he's a normal drinker.  But other friends of mine (this is what's sparking this rant) act like I just blew a feather one day and became sober and that's it.

Mr D thinks it's because I come across all 'sorted' and 'strong' people don't think I have any internal battles but I do.  I DO!!!

Last night I climed into bed really early to watch a cooking competition show and the contestants were taken off to a winery for a cooking challenge and I got hit with this feeling like 'oh my god never again am I going to go to a winery and have a wine'. And I felt stink.  So clearly I'm feeling vulnerable.  No suprise I guess given everything.  But as I say, I'm sick of not having anyone around me who knows.  Woe is me (said with mock sarcasim).

Love, Mrs D xxx

Hello insomnia my old friend....

(Sung to the tune of The Sounds of Silence).

It really is remarkable how different it is to live life when there is no escaping your emotions.  Every feeling that I have, big or small, is so sharp and real.  What's most interesting is that I didn't realise how I was experiencing feelings less acutely when I was constantly dulling them with wine. 

I don't want to entirely dismiss my life that went before as being bland and unemotional.  I did lead a happy life with some emotional highs and lows, yet there is no denying the fact that now I have taken away the wine and am living sober I feel way more present.  Here's some more cliched descriptions for how I feel now ... clearer, connected, participating fully. 

I look at these words now and they do just read in such a cliched manner, and I bet there's people reading this and those descriptors will be washing over them because it all been said before so many times it's become bland.  And I know from my own recent memory (of before I got sober just over 7 months ago) I had no idea what was meant.  I can remember wondering if clearer meant your eyes weren't blurry any more from being tired and hungover.  Seriously!

But believe me, the feeling that I have in my head and my heart as I move around my life is quite revelatory.  I now know that clearer means having a better understanding of things.  Even the sad emotions, or anger, are ok to feel because they're real. Being emotional is real and it's good.  I think I spent too long trying to squash down emotions, hide them, be happy chirpy person all the time and that's just not real.  Sorry but my friends are going to get crying Mrs D a lot more now.

And especially now.  I really am sad to be leaving our life here and I'm fully grieving already and we've only told a small group of family so far.  I was crying when I wrote an email to my sister-in-law with details about the move.  But as I said to Mr D, you can't be a real person and make real connections with people and then not feel sad to be leaving them.

I'm so bloody emotional I cried watching the judges save Jessica Sanchez on American Idol!  And I cried when Tim Gunn cried saying goodbye to a contestant on Project Runway (I've already admitted on here that I'm a Reality TV addict).  I even cried at 4am this morning lying awake in bed imagining telling some of my neighbourhood friends.  That's all to come this week.

In the meantime I have my trusty red clipboard back in operation and am filling it with phone numbers, to-do lists and costings.  First item on my shopping agenda - a bloody expensive Jo Malone scented candle!!!  Well I need something to keep me calm if I don't have my normal stress-reliever-in-a-glass handy!!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Upheaval

A few years ago we packed up our lives completely and moved cities because of a big new job that Mr D landed.  It was an immense effort on my behalf, liaising with a million different people, supporting the kids through the move, supporting Mr D in the transition to a new job.  I was the go-to person for the entire move logistically and dealt with the movers, the bank, real estate agents, letting agents, utilities providers, schools, insurance companies etc etc.

It was very emotional leaving our old life behind and saying goodbye to the community of people we had around us in our old city.  I did a lot of hugging people and feeling sad but one way or another just got the job done.

I got through the whole mission with a clipboard full of pages of contacts numbers and notes and lists and lists and lists.

I got through with very little sleep (insomnia kicked in majorly because of stress, emotions and general brain noise).

And I got through with a lot of my beloved wine.  I drank to help relieve the stress.  I drank to cope with the strong emotions (sadness, excitement, nerves, grumps).  I drank because that's what I did and during tough times, well you drink more don't you?  Wine was my constant companion through the move, as it had been for most of my adult life.

Since we've been in the new city we've had a new baby and have built up a fabulous new community of people around us - neighbors, school teachers, kindy teachers, new mummy friends, previously distant family members, sports team buddies, gym friends, workmates.  We love our life here.  We are happy in our house and we are happy in our community which has become rich with people that we love.  And the climate here is so much better than in our old town!

Oh, and I've gone and gotten myself sober and am in the middle of writing my MA thesis through the local University.  Life is good.

So what's this all about?  Well, it's happening again.  And fast.  We're selling up, packing and heading away within a matter of weeks.  I can't talk about the details but it is the right move and a necessary one.  But I feel tired and emotional just thinking about what's ahead.  In the long run it will be great, but in the short term, hard work and tiring.  And emotional.

And this time, my coping mechanism has gone.  This time I'm going to do it all sober.  This will be a test. Wish me luck.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Awesome...

I'm sorry to say this and sound like a freaking uppity dickhead but honestly .. becoming sober is just the most awesome decision I ever made.  And I am loving how the more time that goes on and the more events I go to and occasions that occur my sober-persona is becoming more and more comfortable to wear.

And believe me, I do not regret a single thing that came before this. I don't regret all the boozing I did and all the lushing-out I did and all the over-indulging I did because all of that got me to this point.  Plus I should never feel like I'm missing out on crazy booze binges because I've enjoyed my fair share!  I know exactly what it feels like having done it over and over and over for 20+ years.  A couple of times I was asked 'is this just for a while or forever?' and I would say 'it's forever, I'm never going to touch alcohol ever again' and that would just feel so easy and clean and right.  In many ways I'm simplified things greatly by just doing the blanket 'take it away completely' method of alcohol control.

I feel like I respect myself.  I trust myself.  I am comfortable with my behavior at all times and I just feel happy.  I have simplified my life immensely by deciding to live without alcohol and even though that has involved a roller coaster ride, getting used to living with emotions and moods and having no 'escape' sometimes when I want it, the roller coaster ride is worth it.  I'm strapped in now (ok I'm going to labour this roller coaster metaphor) and will continue to ride away and and endure some twists and turns and lumps and bumps along the way in order to benefit from the big picture which is ... awesome.

Love, Mrs D xxx

A concert and a party..

I'm interested to hear about people that did sobriety alone and then something changed and they started going to AA.  Lets just put it this way.  I am open to ANYTHING.  Anything at all that will help me to live the rest of my life sober.  Right now that doesn't include joining any groups.  But that's not to say that it won't in the future.  As I said to Mr D yesterday evening, I've got a long long road ahead of me.

What am I now? Seven months sober?  That's nothing.  NOTHING! When I'm 50 I'll have ten years sobriety behind me, I'll still be relatively young.  When I'm 65 it'll be 25 years since I last drank. That will make me sober for longer than I drank.  Jeez!  It's a long long road and I have no idea what will be thrown up for me along the way.  So let me just say I am open to whatever it takes and if I find that shit is coming up that I wasn't expecting or that is tempting me to turn back to a life filled with wine wine wine, then I'll do whatever I need to do to not do that.

Talking to Mr D about this yesterday I said to him 'Seriously, why did I drink all that wine?' and he said 'Because you could.  And now you don't.'  Ahh .. if only it were that simple.  Maybe it is!  Maybe it is that simple. But maybe it isn't.  I don't know what to say except watch this space.  Obviously I'll be watching this space because this space is me!  (Ok this post is getting a bit twisted up inside and around of itself).

Off to a party tonight, my step-brothers engagement party, and am feeling a bit glum that I'll be dry.  But I'm sure it will be totally fun when I'm there.  And as it's all catered the food will be amazing.  Because I can drive we'll save on taxis which is a positive.  Also I'm planning on working tomorrow afternoon so it'll be good not to have a hangover.  Another positive.  Of course there are a million positives to living sober.  I'm just acknowledging the slightly glum feeling I have prior to this party.

On a brighter note on Thursday night Mr D and I went to see one of our favorite bands - Elbow - play at a venue in town and MY GOD IT WAS AMAZING. We love Elbow.

The gig was at the same place where I went to see another favorite artist of mine - Jarvis Cocker - and got so hammered that I fell over with no provocation.  Just fell over on the floor.  Pissed as a chook.

Thursday night I was sober, I was so so happy, I was singing along, I was full of happy endorphins and even got tears in my eyes on a couple of occasions.  Oh happy sober me.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Unhooked..

What did I say about not getting to smug?  Yesterday Mr D bought wine home from work, first time for a while as he's had a heavy cold and hasn't been drinking much.  These bottles will last him at least a week it must be said.  But anyhow there they were clinking in the bag as he put them on the bench.

He poured a glass of Chardonnay and (this is going to sound cheesy) it was a sunny evening and the sun was shining through and across the kitchen bench and his glass was lit up all golden and inviting.  It was definitely the romantic picture of alcohol.  End of the day, happy mood, sun shining, nice rewarding wine.

I pushed through and worked my brain to remind myself this romantic picture of booze is not my reality of alcohol any more and never would be again. Also reminding myself that I could still have that same picture, (end of the day, happy mood, sun shining, nice rewarding drink) and the fact of it being alcoholic or not didn't detract from the scene.  I even stuck my nose in the glass to see what my reaction would be and the smell took me back to an unhappy place.  Oh my god I am so pleased to be past being constantly obsessed with wine, how much to get, drinking drinking drinking, the guilt, the obsession again.

But I did have an 'emotional tummy' (not sure how else to explain that) and that emotional tummy stayed with me right up until I got into bed to finish my book.

This is the book 'Unhooked: How to quit anything' by Dr Frederick Woolverton and Susan Shapiro which I've been really really enjoying.  He's quite a full on addiction therapist who doesn't believe in pussy-footing around people who are seriously hooked on a substance.  He's really blunt and gets really stuck in with practical and direct instructions for people who need help re-learning how to live without their crutch of choice.  He's got these really meaty case-studies (he says they're stories of past patients but I'm sure they're made up) to help illustrate the point he's making in each chapter.  Great reading for someone like me who is addicted to stories of recovery.

Anyhow one of his big recommendations to patients wanting to quit an addiction is to start writing every day.  Write your feelings, your food and drug intake, your plans, dreams, hopes, frustrations, favorite songs.  He says write write write, be honest and write.  Well yay! That's what I've been doing with this blog so chalk up one to me.

But then .. and this got me mad .. he says that quitting an addiction cold turkey by yourself is the most likely way to fail.  Gggggrrrrr, what??!!  What you say??!!  No way.  I felt a bit slapped by that, because that's what I'm doing.  I'm doing it alone with only the support of friends and family and this blog (and my lovely lovely blogging friends!), so am I doomed to fail??

NO!  No I'm not!!  I'll show him.  I'll show you all.  I am not touching alcohol ever again my whole life.  What do I have to fear except myself?  I trust myself.  I know I will stick by my resolution.

Ok a bit further along he says "It is my belief that you cannot successfully treat an addiction without confronting the deep, emotional issues that are giving rise to the substance abuse in the first place.  If you do not dig deeply enough into the roots of the behavior, you will either start using again, or you will switch vices sometimes without even realizing it."

Hhmm.  Ok.  Well, the truth is .... I'm not entirely sure why I drank so much wine.  Except to say I liked the way it made me feel, and the way it dulled emotions, and it was a habit that just went too far.  Is there more to uncover here?  Dunno.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Normies...

Is that what you call them? Normies - the people who don't have drinking issues and can have alcohol in their lives without any angst or battles.  Functional drinkers as opposed to dysfunctional drinkers.  Normies?  I've heard that term used before. Hang on I'll do a quick Google search....

Ok first result was from the Urban Dictionary and says "A person who is not an addict or alcoholic. A person who can drink normally without developing a drinking problem."

I suppose you could debate the definition of a Normie until the cows come home.  Someone could appear to be (pretend to be) a Normie but not be. Or someone could be drinking like a Normie until one day WHAMMO the booze gets it's claws in and it's bye-bye Normie, hello Alcoholic.  

Mr D is a Normie and took a lot of convincing from me that I had a problem.

A lot of people around me still seem a little bemused about why I've given up alcohol for good and I have to do a lot of explaining until they accept (!) that I did need to take this drastic action.  I appeared to be totally normal from the outside.  I didn't fall over a lot, lose jobs or kids or crash cars.  My personal relationships were all good and I looked healthy enough (although I look way better now).  I held down a successful life but had a secretive, very heavy, steady wine-drinking habit.  I drank lots and lots of wine, mostly privately in my own home.  I was fast heading to where more tragic things would have happened because of my drinking but managed to pull the pin before they did.

Just had a wonderful sober weekend away with a girlfriend in Sydney. Only Lemon, Lime & Bitters for me all weekend...

If we'd taken this trip last year I probably would have had two drinks on Friday at the bar and then more wine with dinner and possibly beyond that.  Saturday I would have probably suggested we get a bottle of wine to share in the hotel while we got ready to go out, would have had a wine at dinner and more before the show and possibly at half time too.  Which would probably have meant I wouldn't have really been properly present for the show, much like when I went to a musical here at home last year and drank beforehand and during and can hardly remember it.  I wasn't even that pissed (for me).  Just not really present.

This girls weekend just gone I would have done everything the same but fitted in a crap-load of booze on top of it all.  I feel exhausted just thinking of all the extra effort that would have taken, doing all the day activities hungover, gone to bed later, had more broken sleep, and spent probably a lot more emotional energy (excitement, guilt etc) - on drinking.

Now I've taken the alcohol away everything is just so much cleaner and easier.  And no less fun! There is nothing that alcohol would have added to this past weekend.  Nothing at all!  Once again I have proved to myself that I do not need alcohol to live a fun, full and rewarding life.  Jeepers, is this another Pink Cloud?  No, I don't want to get too smug and self-satisfied and drop my guard.  I think it must still be the endorphins from all that shopping, or maybe I'm deliriously over-tired.  Whatever the case, happy (with a fabulous new wardrobe).

Love, Mrs D xxx