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Sunday, June 22, 2014

Here I am in all my glory...

Not sure if I've ever been so nervous my entire life .. the piece on me just aired on tele here in NZ.. here's the link to the item On Demand. I've been told that it should work overseas - please let me know if it does or doesn't.

WEIRD. SO UNBELIEVABLY WEIRD TO BE GOING SO WIDELY PUBLIC.

But it's done now. And so now you know that my real first name is Lotta (short for Carlotta, my grandmother was Swedish) and I am married to a bloke called Corin, a journalist who is on the tele here in New Zealand. He reports on politics. He used to host a Breakfast TV programme.. but we moved to our nation's capital 2-ish years ago for him to take up the job at parliament.

His job involves a lot of travel and he's been in America for the past week following our Prime Minister who was visiting the UN and The White House. He got to go inside the Oval Office! He's not back for a couple of days yet so he missed out on our little viewing party here at home. Me and my mum and my boys all put our onesies on and nervously watched me cry and reveal to the nation my drinking problem. I made a tray of treats for us to eat & drink while we watched. I didn't eat much coz my stomach was churning (still is).

So anyway.. now heaps more people know about me and my drinking problem and this blog and the wonderful online recovery community that has been my lifeline and secret weapon since I took away the wine. And yeah, I've revealed a 'nasty secret'. But do you know what I'm really revealing?

Recovery.

My face is the face of long-term recovery. Living in recovery means I haven't touched alcohol for almost three years. Living in recovery means I am free from my alcohol addiction. Living in recovery means I am sober and I am very happy.

And getting sober is not a death sentence! It's not the end of fun! I never touch alcohol ever and it's totally fine! It's better than fine actually. It's fascinating and real and raw and lovely and honest and authentic and just bloody marvelous.

My book will be out soon. It's called 'Mrs D Is Going Without' (of course!). It's not a drinking memoir, it's a recovery memoir. Yes it talks about my final drinking days, but mostly it talks about what happened after I put down the wine and all the stuff that was going on outside of this blog. What I learned about myself, what I learned about alcohol, and the community that built up around this blog was all so unexpected and fascinating. That's what I've written about. The book will be out in stores down this part of the world from next Friday. You can pre-order it here or here or here and they'll send it to you anywhere in the world as soon as it's released. Or you can get an e-version quicker on Amazon.

I'm being inundated with emails and texts and messages and everyone I mean EVERYONE is being super lovely. My heart is bursting. Sobriety rocks. That is all. Over and out. Goodnight.

Love, Mrs D xxx

77 comments:

  1. Oh goodness. How to start :( Thanks

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  2. Thank you so much. I am bulimic and looking forever to get out and break free. You give me hope xxx

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  3. Just saw the show. You are an amazing brave woman and have a wonderful husband. Well done!

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  4. You are an amazing lady! Your TV story was so brave and courageous. I was truly moved by it. x

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  5. I saw the story on Sunday tonight and I thought good for you. It was wonderful. It takes great courage and bravery to be open about one's vulnerabilities. I'm sure it will help many people.

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  6. I watched the show tonight and that was ME on it. Please help me stop I've tries cutting down but I finally think I'll have to stop drinking completely.

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    1. Go to AA. One person can't help you do it.

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  7. you took the shame veil away from alcoholism. yay for recovery!

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  8. Thank you so much for telling us your story, it will help me to quit my nightly torture of the pull of the wine. The I will just have two glasses reasoning which ends up as two bottles and trying to function normally with four children and hide from Husband. It has been a sore point between me and Hubby in an otherwise fantastic relationship. Thanks again.

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  9. After watching your piece, I now question myself.... do I have a problem? Am I in control? I'm too scared to answer those questions. Thank you for getting me thinking.

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  10. My goodness you are SO amazing, thanks so much for sharing your story, such a huge thing to do. My mum was an alcoholic and hearing your story was like you were my mum,. You have highlighted how hard parenting is and how easy it is to 'find a way out'. You are an absolute inspiration. I currently suffer from PND and can absolutely see why one would turn to drink, due to my mum's drinking I only have bad memories of the effects so very rarely drink at all which is a good thing in this case . Thanks again

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  11. You nailed it Lotta. Truthful and raw. Your journey, my journey, many peoples journey. I know young people who have died from alcoholic liver disease.

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  12. well done, you have made such a diffence. Good on you

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  13. While I watched you on Sunday this evening all I could think of was my daughter in Australia who is going through the same.I am going to let her know about your great story of Recovery. As a parent I struggle to see my daughter this way and feel helpless.I now understand a little of how she must be feeling after watching you on Sunday tonight.Thank You.Cant wait to read your book and of course purchase one for my daughter.Thanks Again

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  14. Makes me realise my husbands drinking is totally unacceptable but he won't acknowledge it - I have been the in control one to cover up for him a lot over the years and our boys are now older 10 and 13 yrs so what I'm saying to them is I accept it, you have to too. Love that you didn't see that as being right for your family. Hmm where to now?

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  15. Thanks so much for that. Im a stay at home dad of 3 with a similar history of drinking. I managed to "present Well" while being out of control with alcohol. Happy to say im 1 year alcohol free and loving life like never before!! Really appreciate your story tonight .

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  16. Watched your show tonight , that was me 23 years ago. In the early stages of my recovery when out socially I would get "what !! You don't drink how boring". And the questions as to why don't you drink. One particular night the man sitting next to me was just going on and on about how boring and terrible it would be not to drink. I had , had enough of him by this stage , and told him that I had been sitting next to him all night and had actually found him to be the most boring person I had ever listened to.
    I find I have more fun without alcohol than I did with it.plus the bonus of waking up hangover free.
    I hope your recovery continues to go well .

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  17. Just watched it Lotta and water fell from my eyes :) You are one hugely inspirational lady xx

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  18. Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I loved it loved it loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thank you for your courage, your spirit, and all of your support. This is fucking awesome! And your green kitchen looks grand. :)

    Here's to you. I am so proud and glad and over the moon about this! You are making a difference. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. xoxoxoxoxo

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  19. Mrs D, (or now do I call you Lotta?) This is so great! I want to give you a giant hug all the way from Canada to New Zealand!!!!! I loved the TV piece. It was great to see you (and Sue too!) talking so openly about what is way too often kept hidden in shame. You're such a star. Many many thanks to you for doing this! (And many exclamation points, because I know you love them!!!!) xoxo

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  20. Hi Lotta, or Mrs D as you are in my head, wow - this was an amazing bit of TV, and so brave and brilliant of you... just looking at the comments from this post and the previous one, it is so clear how many more people you are now reaching with your story, how many more people can realise that they're not alone and that there is a way out. Loved it. Cried a lot. Thank you. :) xxx

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  21. Oh wow....look at you! So totally amazing and I mean that! I LOVED seeing who you are in real life and I thank you from the bottom of myself for sharing your real and authentic story so publicly and so courageously, because other women NEED to know they aren't alone. They aren't the only one. And I love your stories of how sobriety can still be fun. Bless your heart Lotta! You are a hero!

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  22. Mrs. Lotta D, watched it from the burbs of Chicago. You and Sue were truly inspirational. It's a pleasure and privilege to know you even if you are a hemisphere away. Loved, loved, loved it!

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  23. Mrs. D. I have been following you for about 6 months...You are so great and it was so great to see your spot on tv. I too have given up drinking and your site has been incredibly helpful. I too have 3 boys and stay at home now. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing your journey, yourself and your life!

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  24. P.S. I have been following you from Woodbury, MN. :)

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  25. Mrs D. You are a star. Brave. Truthful.

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  26. And I'm following from Atlanta, GA :). I've "gone without" for just over two years. It's great to put a face with a name - and grateful and proud of you! Who knows the # of people you have helped already - with your blog - and now with coming out publicly. Thank you! XO

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  27. You saved.some Kiwis lives last night - convinced of that...

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  28. Thank you, Lotta, I watched you on Sunday last night. Couldn't sleep for thinking all night. Thinking "That woman... I'm just like she was.." I drink, I'm a SAHM, I have four children... and I drink.

    Thanks. I hope I have the courage.

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  29. You are absolutely amazing. I only caught the interview about half way through (might have to watch it ondemand), and straight away your story resonated so strongly with me. I have a problem with alcohol as well, and have only just admitted this to myself in the last few weeks. I have now been sober for 11 weeks, and I am loving it (despite it being very hard sometimes!)! I am very happy to find your blog, and I have subscribed and I can't wait to follow your journey. Thank you!!!

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  30. Hi Lotta, I have just watched Sunday and am in awe of you. What a really strong person you are to publicly admit your additiction and to do it without the help of AA is amazing.
    I am also a mother of 3 (although mine are teenagers), highly educated (a qulaified accountant - who was successful) and I live in Wellington.
    Alcohol has robbed me of my self-esteem, my career and almost my family. My husband and children have been through hell and back with this disease.
    I so related to the internal fight in your head about alcohol unforetunately, most of the time the alcohol wins and I end up making an excuse to go to the supermarket and the wine just jumps into my trolley and then down my throat. The guilt, the remorse and the anger become a horrible cycle, I no longer have hangovers just blackouts where I lose part of days.
    I tend to go a few days sober and then pick up but I tend to always drink alone hoping no one will notice! This off course, is bollocks because my husband and kids can tell straight away. My husband quite often goes through the house trying find the bottles I have hidden so he can get rid of them. Half the time I can't even remember where I have put them!
    I only starrted drinking after my 3rd child. She is now 13 and I am 48 and it was fine for a while (I too had 5 o'clock as wine'o'clock and loved it and couldn't wait) until about 6 years ago when alcohol really took hold of me. I then lost serveral jobs because of the impact alcohol was having on me and I started drinking at work and lost my licence (3 times). I have done hideous things I would never even dream of doing sober. I am so fortunate that my husband is still with me and I think he understands the disease (conceptually anyway).
    I have been going to AA for the last 4 years but I think the longest I have been sober is 2 weeks and that was over Easter when we were on holiday. I am always sober on the weekends but for some reason struggle during the week.
    I have been out of work for awhile now and it drives me insane. I am so bored which is a trigger and becomes a horrible cycle. I can so relate to being a busy homemaker but being bored at the same time. I think a lot of professional woman who become mothers suffer from this. I have never been one to do "coffee mornings" or "playgroups" when the kids were young and have therefore isolated myself from many people.
    I just really wanted to say thank you for telling a story of your struggle because that is my story too. I unforetunately have not managed to go without as you have but I have every intention of reading your blog as I am sure it will help me.

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    1. Don't know if I can do this but you are just an amazing woman too, we cn all be here for you I would like to have coffe with you to

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    2. That sounds great. How do we arrange that? Are you in Wellington>

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    3. I had to change my name on the Blog as it upset my husband so Mary Davis is an alias. Cheers Cherie

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  31. I watched your story and was so impressed. Real honesty is rare to see. You stripped yourself bare for all of us to learn how addictions take hold of us and become the master. It takes courage and dogged determination to break any addictive cycle and its a daily grind with your mind. Thankyou for sharing you

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  32. Hi Mrs D, I too watched your story last night and was totally blown away by your honesty, your courage and more importantly how you have coped and dealt with your alcoholism on your own. You are simply amazing and your husband and family should be very proud of what you have achieved. Well done Mrs D. Keep up your good work helping to uplift and inspire other people who are affected by alcoholism. You are truly an inspiration. Thank you so much for sharing your story with the world.

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  33. Mrs D, I love your blog. I hadn't found it until you mentioned it on TV last night. So brave of you and Corin to tell your story publicly. Incidentally, one thing that struck me was how supportive Corin was. My own husband felt the need to sabotage all my efforts, and I had to get away before I could start my recovery. AA was not for me and I tried many different things with mixed success. I regularly stopped drinking for a month for Febfast, with no problem at all. But I always knew I'd start again, and although I always intended that I would drink more responsibly, I'd be back to a bottle and a half a night in no time. The difference comes when you truly commit, as you did that day. You say enough is enough. Anything is possible when you change your mindset. Keep up the inspiring work.

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  34. What a wonderful inspirational lady you are. I hope you are proud of yourself. Your husband is also an amazing supportive man. Not many would be happy to go public like that. Keep up the fantastic job you are doing. Big hugs to you all.

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  35. You will help a lot of people with sharing your own personal story. Thank you.

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  36. I watched you last night on Sunday and thought it was the best thing I had seen for ages. It was so real and you told your story so well. Excellent and will fit many of us.

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  37. It was so nice to finally put a face and a name to you. I have just watched your interview here in the UK (yes, the link works!). I admire your honesty so much. You have been an inspiration on my journey so far and I can't wait to read your book. I'm on Day 57 now and going strong. I don't think I could ever go back to the way I felt before. This is so much better in every way. Thank you Lotta.

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  38. Respect. You are a very brave lady, and a role model to younger people, I am sure. I have a friend who doesn't drink at all (never has), and she is a role model for my daughter who is not planning to touch alchohol. She is 14 years old now. I do drink occassionally, but would love to give up totally. Good luck, you are an inspiration.

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  39. Nice work Lotta My daughter is going through the same thing and I feel so sad ,I have noticed she has changed and her concentration has just gone, not interested in anything ,and let her self image go ,she is so lovely and pretty and is wasting her life away ,she has 3 grown up children and has lost a partner to cancer ,and the one she has now has left her she is only 43 yrs old it breaks my heart .you are amazing great work and good luck .

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  40. I have just watched your story (my story with one or two differences) and had to tell you how much I admire your guts in going public. And also to tell you I have been sober for over 20 years now - hopefully that too will encourage others. Yes, it was daunting wondering how I was going to manage to stay dry for the rest of my life but I decided to do it one day at a time - the only way I could cope. Like you I did it without help from other people.
    Anyway I just wanted to encourage you and maybe others to keep going, it is doable ( is that a word). And it is well worth it, life is so much better than it was before.

    Diana

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  41. Mrs D - I missed the programme so will watch On Demand. I 'put the glass down' for four years and then resumed. I have been working towards recovery for a few weeks now - as for me this is a psychological battle a la Alan Carr. You have given me a strong reminder that my life was at its happiest and I was at my strongest without alcohol. You have done more for this struggle that many official resources. Thank you and thank you again.

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  42. I just watched your story and my husband decided to stop drinking last year and we got a better quality of life and feeling so great. You are an amazing example that shows that life without alcohol is amazing and so much better. Thanks Moira

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  43. You are totally amazing and inspirational and I admire you beyond words - I hope that other lovely people who drink too much watched your programme and through relating to what you said are able to make changes in their life too. What an amazing lady and . . . . . . I adore Corin even more than I did before - what a great guy!!

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  44. What an inspiration you are!

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  45. Wow, good on you for going on the big screen. I am 7 years off the booze and I live a normal happy life without it. I think it is always about being in check... with yourself. I am extremely private about not drinking so it was very empowering reading through your blog and watching your interview. I am also a wellington person! Be proud and go you!

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  46. Lotta, what a brave lady you are for sharing your journey with us on national t.v.; and particularly for showing how real your journey is by including your husband and children. I am married to a recovering alcoholic and your (you and Mr D) story really resonated with me in hearing your husbands take on the journey. The thing about alcoholism is that even though you may be the person doing the drinking, there are significant others out there who are directly / indirectly affected by your actions. Every drink is like a pebble being dropped in a pond - rippling out to touch those we love ways that aren't always conceived as possible while you are in the moment of that drink. Congratulations to you both for being so honest and forthcoming in sharing your journey. I wish you and your family all the very best as you grow together on this new path of enlightenment.

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  47. your story hit a spot....I'm a mum just like you but only one child. I'm battling the booze too. looking forward to 5pm, massive glasses poured and bottles hidden. thats me. :-( well it was me, not any more, had a couple of slip ups in the past year, lucky for me my husband seems to understand that its an addiction and rules my brain. every day is a battle. I'm still struggling. :-( big ups to you for sharing your story. I'm quite sure there are other mums out there that feel the same way.

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  48. Thank you.

    This weekend, I have battled with the guilt that follows a bender. And I have battled - really really battled - with the reality that I have to give up drinking. I'm ashamed to admit that I cried. It's been such a big part of my life; I feel a kind of grief or sadness. Not sure really. And then I think "I had so many great times with alcohol..... at least, I think I did.... actually I can't quite remember....". The one thing I do remember, that really sticks in my mind, is the guilt and shame I feel the next day. I'm scared and I have no idea where to start so I've written myself a letter and I've folded it up and put it in my wallet. On the inside above what I've written, I've put the date and "Let's see it she learns her less" and on the outside I've put "THIS IS GOING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE".
    Thank you for sharing your story; I hope mine is as successful.

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  49. Thank you for inspiring me to do something about my drinking. I'm 60, so have no children at home to cope with, but didn't start drinking until my early forties. I now have no partner and years ago I never thought I could drink at home alone, let alone drink as much wine as I do, but things get out of control and it seems to be my only 'friend'. Its very sad that we just add it to our supermarket trollies along with the milk, vegetables etc. and when taking the bottles to the recycle centre, make comments to the assistant like "gosh it's been ages since I got rid of the bottles" or "we had a bit of a party" .. yea right a solo party. Thank you for your honesty.

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  50. You rock Mrs D enjoyed your story last night which must be cathartic,gutsy and healing for you and was for me as I danced around for years with music up on my own trollied to a few wines got up to 2 bottles every second night, especially enjoyed that part plus the raw honesty that ticked all my boxes and mirrored imaged what I got up to now 4years alcohol free come 19th November 2014 take care sister :-)

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  51. Bravissima sorella!

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  52. My friend just shared this on FB and I was blubbering in shame and hatred (of self) after about three minutes. I am living the life you were and it was both a shock and a light bulb moment watching your documentary. A shock that 'damn it', it really is a problem, although I knew this it was easy to ignore - and a light bulb moment that if you can do this without help then so can I. I imagine there are A LOT of other people that you have helped and inspired by this video. So, thank you. xx

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  53. I was deeply moved by your story and your awesome courage.I have the same problem and tonight and many more will be alcohol free.

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  54. Hi Mrs D, I've been contemplating a blog for almost a year now but have been too afraid to start knowing that I wasn't ready to stop drinking. Today, I am ready. I'm scared but your words about never going back once sober, have hit a chord and I truly hope that's the case for me. So from one housewife to another (from Australia) - thank you x

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  55. I am very proud to sit and listen to someone who had a problem with alcohol and was able to do it by herself. You truly are an amazing role model for a lot of people with drinking problems or other problem to realize you can do it by yourself with motivation

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  56. huge amount of respect for coming out in public, respect to you !

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  57. I to have struggled with an addiction food, sadly a lot of overweight people are seen as lazy, but this to is an addiction one I have been struggling with all my life and sadly one that will get me in the end. Well done you, so strong in character.

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  58. Hi great to hear your story,i have been in recovery myself & found support in AA....the way AA works is one alcoholic sharing with another. One day at a time is important & also watching for triggers. The ego is a huge part of being an alkie.....& the 12 steps help with that to. All the best in recovery

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  59. I watched your Sunday interview last night, and have since then been reading through your blog. It could be my story in so many ways and I wish I had found this when you started it ! I have been sober for 2 yrs and I hope will be for the rest of my life, for myself and my 3 children. At 36 I still feeling like a 16 yr old socially and emotionally from 20 yrs of using alcohol as the only tool in the box to deal with everything, but I'm getting there.
    What an inspirational, brave and amazing woman you are!
    Being alcoholic, a woman and a mother, it is hard to find good female role models, your lady are one and I hope your story continues to reach many others.

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  60. I saw the advert for your piece on Sunday and it rang so many bells with me, only problem was Sunday 22nd June was my 40th birthday and I had to go out with all the family for a dinner (in my eyes more excuse to have a drink!). So I have just watched you on TV on Demand whilst having another bottle of wine! I can relate to you in so many ways, 5pm is MY time, drop the kids to swim training and come home and have a bottle of wine before the kids and my husband gets home, hiding the bottle away because I am supposed to be alcohol free during the week, but I can't it's soooooo hard! I have been hiding me week nights drinking for around 9 months and like you wake up at 4am each morning feeling guilty and tell myself that I won't buy any wine today but come 2pm I go and buy some more before I pick the kids up and at 5pm on the dot it's my time to drink again :( My weight is ballooning due to the drink and I don't know what to do??? My friends see me as such a fun, sociable, life of the party kind of girl but they don't know what goes on during the week! my family have an addictive personality, I have recently found out that my dad has been gambling for years! I smoked for 15 years and managed to give up but don't know how to get rid of the wine :( Feeling very desperate.

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  61. Hi- I watched you last night- I actually already knew as we have a mutual friend. Listening to you was like listening to myself internalising it all! I hope to be brave and strong like you soon,,

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  62. Good on you Lotta. And good on Corin. Must have been a hard decision to go public. But very worthwhile. No doubt your clip will help a lot of people.

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  63. Half way through Lotta, Mrs D, and had to stop as making me all emotional. You see it is ME too! I've been following your blog for months and will keep on doing so. Thank you Lotta XX

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  64. Thank you for being strong enough and brave enough to share your story and opening up your family to New Zealand. Thank you to your husband for also being strong enough and brave enough to share his story. I wish you both the very best. Your both so awesome and touched and helped so many people. I loved the truthfulness and realness you have brought to the face of addiction and what a truly inspirational journey.

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  65. I just happen to catch the clip the other night on TV, I missed the initial bit but I will watch on demand to see what I missed. I too am a "Mrs D" although my battle with the bottle is not for me but around me. I find it hard to understand and comprehend at times because although I love a wine, and have been known to dance on the odd table top, I can take it or leave it and it is simply not an issue to me. I struggle with the thought of addiction and not being able to" just stop". My situation is that I now have a blended family and I get to be step Mum to two beautiful girls, not long after I came into their fathers life everything turned upside down, he went from weekend Dad to full time Dad. His Ex it seems is an alcoholic, I doubted this at first but I have now seen this first hand and in fact seem to be living it along with them. She has chosen the bottle over her children, something I just cannot fathom?? There is nothing that I wouldn't/couldn't overcome to be with my girls. I guess I just don't get it. her suicide attempts, lack of interest, over the top interest, false allegations to hide her own injuries sustained during drinking bouts and her lack of any form of commitment to her daughters lives is something I am struggling to understand or accept. Denial is huge, her parents don't want any negative affect to their Remuera life and believe at 45 years of age she is on her own. She comes right, or appears to hide her addiction then a relationship failure or loss of job will send her off again. I have offered to help so many times, but been slapped in the face for my efforts. I guess seeing you on TV , in all your "normal" glory...and I mean that as a compliment, in one way makes me angry she is not as strong and brave as you and in another way has highlighted how wide spread, across age, ethnicity, where you come from, none of it matters at all. This Mrs D is lost in someone elses battle with the bottle :(

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  66. Dear Lotta,

    I am 8 years old and when I grow up i want to be just like you.
    Pretty please say something about me on TV.
    I really like your blog!

    From Sophie Ward

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  67. Fellow TVNZer here - I had no idea... You have shown true courage and spirit, first in going sober, and second in revealing yourself and your journey. You and Corin deserve much kudos - so proud for you

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  68. Yay! Thanks for sharing with the world. You are super awesome :)

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  69. Hi you have helped me so much with your interview. I have been sober for two years and still struggled with the feeling ' that I must be a bad person because I am an alcoholic'. But since Sunday night I no longer feel like that. I now feel good about myself and because of that - am so much happier in myself. What others think of me is there problem. Thankyou so much Lotta.

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  70. This was heart wrenching to watch. My mum suggested I watch it, knowing that this is something I really struggle with. I have enjoyed alcohol for 17 years now - I have had highs and lows but I know it has hurt others around me. I was sober for 2 years and thought I had it sorted so started drinking again. I watched you and I know haven't got it sorted. It is one of those terrible things that plays on your mind - thank you. Thank you for your courage - thank you for this forum - thank you. Dry July - Best way to start.

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  71. Sending love and support to everyone who like me is taking that 1st step. After years of oscillating between self loathing and denial and discouragement about getting the alcohol under control, this week I get that for me I can't drink. At all. Ever! Day 3
    Xxx

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