Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Winds of change….

So that was really interesting.. lots of lovely comments on my last post about dealing with death and many of the lovely commenters shared that they'd lost a loved one and everyone thought they were being so strong but the reality is that they were boozing their way through their grief and not feeling like they were coping at all…

This: "People used to think I was so strong but in reality I was dulling everything with alcohol."


And this: "Every one praised me for how strong I was but in reality I was just a coward and tried to escape the raw feelings."


And this: "Like others I simply drank my way through my grief originally and was praised for being strong when I was anything but." 



We all probably look at people who seem to be "holding it together" and think they are doing well, and look at people who are "falling apart" and think they are doing it hard… but the truth is we just don't know how people are doing really. 

My lovely friend Sue said the other morning that she thinks sitting somewhere in the middle of "utterly devastated" and "coping marvelously" is probably the natural way to deal with grief. Sometimes crying and deeply sad, other times feeling calm and at peace with the loss. 

But who fucking know what is the 'best' way to deal with grief. Is there a best way? Is anyone judging? Is there a grief competition that we are all taking part in at one time or another?

No. We each deal with it how we deal with it. 

I choose to deal with it raw. 

My beloved step-father just died about one hour ago. He was a kind, generous, warm, giving, unassuming, lovely man who had been in my life for 22 years. 

An hour ago I was sobbing and went through fifty tissues. Now I'm calm and typing on the computer. Tomorrow I get on a plane to be with my family.

Sorry this is not very Christmassy but this is life and I am feeling the winds of change.

And by the way. I am so fucking glad that I am sober.

Love, Mrs D xxx 

22 comments:

  1. Much love to you xx Joey

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  2. So sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts. S.D.

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  3. So sorry to read this Mrs D. Keep in mind there's no cultural mandate on how to grieve, it is completely raw and instinctual and takes as long as it takes. I drank (numbed myself out) through a shattering bereavement years before I got sober and then had to start the real grieving when I sobered up.

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  4. Oh Lotta. Many condolences for your loss. I hope it does not sound twee, but the indicator of a life very well lived is that you are greatly loved, and your step father was clearly greatly loved. Love to you all at this difficult time.

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  5. So sorry that this has happened right on Christmas Lotta, and I'm very sorry for your loss. One thing I am complely sure of is the comfort your family will feel to have you with them to help them through the really hard stuff, and then to be all together on Christmas day, remembering him. I don't know how you do it, but you will be their strength. God bless you all xo

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  6. I am so sorry for your loss Mrs D xx

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  7. So sorry. Thinking of you.

    As a side note, I LOVED listening to you on the bubble hour :)

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  8. I am so sorry my sweet friend. Grieve until you're finished...as long as it takes. Also, know you are loved.

    Sherry

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  9. Mrs D, I am sorry for your loss. I think you're right about the grieving: there's no right way to do it. Staying raw will help you do what you need to do, whether that's cry or sing or be around people or get away from them. When my father died, I had to walk and walk in order to feel anything. It seemed strange, but doing it really helped. I'm not suggesting you should do that. I just mean there are lots of ways to grieve. Sending you much love. xo

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  10. sincerest condolences on the loss of your step father. The best way to grieve is simply to grieve. Feel it and allow it out. Death is such a natural part of our life and being able to spend time with one who is facing it and being able to talk with them is a gift. And is does get easier, you never forget and memories come with sadness and joy. Through some experiences in my life with people who have now passed I know without a doubt deep in my heart that there is life past what we know.
    take care and be kind to yourself and if you want or need to cry then just do it. So much love being sent to you.

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  11. So so sorry for your loss. I do believe that the best (even if it is the hardest) way to deal with grief is to grieve. There is no way around it. It will come and go in waves. Over time it will be easier. But it does take time.

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  12. Sorry for your loss. Our thoughts are with you.

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  13. Dear Mrs. D,
    I am sorry. Having lost my dear father and mother-in-law, I understand. Know there are many people wishing you well.

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  14. Oh Lotta I'm so sorry to hear that and am thinking of you and your family. Love and hugs from this side of the globe to you and yours xx

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  15. I am so sorry for your loss. I'm finding that the hard times are the times when I'm most grateful for my sobriety. And I am grateful for you - you have been such an inspiration to me these past few months, and I know will continue to be. Practice good self-care and know you are loved by so many. Blessings.

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  16. So so sorry for your loss, sending love, hugs and prayers to you and your family xx

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  17. There are no rules and there is no easy path. Live that emotion, acknowledge the pain, the pain dulls but the sadness will always be with you. Know he is in a better place, that faith is what helps me.

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  18. It is so hard to say goodbye to someone so dear to our hearts. It sounds like he was a wonderful man. Let your feelings flow. It's OK to laugh and OK to cry and OK to do them minutes apart! Very sorry for your loss Mrs. D.

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  19. Of course I meant laugh at the good memories which you will surely do in time. Deepest condolences.

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  20. If you drank through grief it doesn't mean you are not strong. It means you are not sober. There is a lot of grey area here, and I like to think we are all doing our best with where we are today.

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  21. hugs, you are lucky to of had someone so special in your life

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