I went out for dinner last night with some colleagues and one of them ordered a glass of wine, which is totally fine by me. At 12 years sober (12 years sober canyoufuckingbelieveit!) I don't hanker for wine any more or get cravings or wish I could drink it or envy others for drinking it, they can have that dumb stuff is my opinion. I love my sober life.
But my colleague obviously felt a bit awkward about getting a glass of wine and drinking it around me, knowing my story as we work in the addiction space, so they made a bit of a song and dance about it, acting kinda defiant and loudly justifying why they deserved a wine. I was trying to act all cool and just let it go by, but it went on a bit long and then their awkwardness moved them to shift their focus onto me and my relationship with booze. "Did you used to enjoy a glass of wine paired with dinner like I am or were you just always like 'get the wine in me'?!" they asked.
It was not the time to ask about my drinking problem! Just drink your wine and let's get on with dinner! But I had to reply so I awkwardly answered, "Um, yeah. I did enjoy wine with dinner." They didn't let it go, "but what I mean is did you ever really enjoy having a wine with dinner, like I am now, or was it not like that?" I seriously didn't know what to say! "Um, yeah. But towards the end it was, um, you know, um, my drinking was really disfunctional and took me to a super dark place and kinda ruined my life.'
It went on for a bit longer, more questions and awkward answers. I can't remember exactly what else was said because I was just feeling really awkward. I think I put my finger to my lips at one point as if to say 'just sshh and drink your bloody wine!'. Goodness knows what our other colleague thought of the whole exchange, sitting across the table from us.
Why was I feeling so awkward? People drink in front of me all the bloody time and I never feel awkward. Obviously for my colleague drinking in front of me at dinner just felt super awkward so they awkwardly dealt with the awkwardness by awkwardly asking me awkward questions which just made everything more awkward.
I have never typed the word awkward so often in my life.
I guess they were trying to highlight that their drinking wasn't disfunctional, that they were doing a meal pairing so it was ok, or something, but can't you just process that yourself and leave me out of it? Gah!
Anyway, we got over it. I love this colleague, we work very closely together and get on great. Once the awkwardness passed we had good chats and a lovely evening (we are out of town attending a conference).
Anyhoo, like I say, I am very happily 12 years sober, no longer working on my relationship with alcohol. My new thing has been working on my relationship with food and body image, and (wait for it), I have just written a new book about this which will be coming out early next year.
Called 'Mrs D is not on a diet', it is probably the most honest and vulnerable I've ever been in print (and that's saying something). But that's ok, I can cope with vulnerability. Writing is how I process stuff. Writing got me sober, and now it has massively helped me combat diet culture. Hopefully other people will get some benefit from my writing on this topic as well.
Time will tell!
Love, Mrs D xxx
Hey Mrs D, Reading your book has been an awesome read: we have a family member who's an alcoholic and it's helped me so much to understand things from their point of view.
ReplyDeleteThere's one thing I'd like to point out about it and i hope you have the courage and grace to see where I'm coming from because, like your blog, i'm not going to mince words.
I get that moving house when newly sober must be a frightening prospect, but from my perspective the chapters you devote to it are pretty difficult to read. I realise I don't know what it's like to be you, but I can tell you what my "frightening" things have been in the last few years: having my self employed, sole wage earner husband die suddenly when I was fifty was a pretty fricking big one. We had three kids, one with a serious mental health disorder, all our spare income had gone into his business while I looked after the child who needed constant care, and suddenly I had no income to pay the rent (buying your own home is a privilege a lot of people with disabled children don't have), no father for my children and no best friend to grow old with. But you know what? In spite of that, I was able to see the "positives". I'm still able to say that I'm very fortunate that our youngest child at least had 14 happy years with his dad, that our daughter hasn't attempted suicide despite multiple threats. That while I miss him terribly, at least I know the kids are able to push through their own grief and forge their own lives.
I get what you're saying about moving when so newly sober and yes it must be a frightening challenge. But it might be worth your while to pause for a moment and consider that some of your readers might have challenges that are absolutely terrifying. And they might not all have the loving support of a husband like yours. Sobriety is a hell of a challenge and what you've done is awesome. But there's a lot of challenges in this world - women fleeing (or unable to flee) domestic violence, parents watching their children die of terminal illnesses...I'm sure you can think of some of them. Yes, what you did is hard and moving would have made it ten times as hard. But there's still going to be a lot of readers like me who would cut off their limbs if it meant they got to swap their challenges for yours. And I don't know who it was who blithely announced all those years ago that "moving is as stressful as bereavement" but I can tell you, having moved eight times with small children and having buried my husband and then, eight months later, my mother, they don't have a clue what they're talking about. Not a clue.
Burnt Timber Designs, I'm so sad for you that you've had so many recent tragedies and hardships. My heart goes out to you! I hope so much that you have found a way to pay the rent and care for your precious children.
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