Sunday, May 12, 2013

My soft bottom...

Man, it's so interesting going through my old posts....what really strikes me is the fact that I made a hard and firm decision to not drink ever again and I have never wavered from that ever. *Sigh*. Even though it's hard sometimes.

From day one my attitude has been..."throw what you like at me life.. I am meeting you head on, (fucker), with no booze attached." I added that 'fucker' in because it's the perfect word to denote my hard attitude to my alcohol addiction. You've got to be hard and mean and determined to take whatever shit comes and never ever reach for the lovely elixir that numbs stuff away.

That magical elixir that turned on me and became my enemy. I couldn't control my drinking. Once I started drinking alcohol, once my synapses began fizzing with the lovely effects of that gorgeous liquid I was lost. A goner. I just wanted more and more and more. Another glass. Another bottle. I never said no. I never wanted to stop. I loved drinking. I loved loved loved loved drinking wine.

Thankfully I recognised that my lovely friend booze was turning into an enemy, that I couldn't control it no matter how much I tried, no matter how many techniques I employed. I just could not control my intake. I was rapidly getting more and more lost to an alcohol addiction and I decided the only way I could combat that was take the alcohol away completely and so I did.

I've just read Pamela Stephenson's biography "The Varnished Untruth" and there's a great bit in it when she writes about how she gave her husband Billy Connolly - huge crazy boozer - an ultimatum: "It's drink or me".

She writes; "Fortunately, Billy decided that he was going to plump for personal happiness and changed his life to a sober one.  It didn't happen all at once; 'one day at a time' was very much the way it went, but he was essentially strong and resolved and, to this day, has not touched alcohol or drugs for nearly thirty years. Billy never entered a rehab programme. He tells people, 'I decided to quit drinking while it was still my idea'."

I decided to quit drinking while it was still my idea too. I'm what they call a 'soft bottom' or 'high bottom' alcoholic. i.e. my 'rock bottom' - the point I reached where my life changed - wasn't as dire as others. For some 'rock bottom' can be sitting in jail, or waking up in hospital, or losing a job or crashing a car or destroying a relationship. My personal (soft) bottom was hiding a nearly empty wine bottle from Mr D and lying about the fact I'd drunk it. My bottom was deception and lies entering into my relationship. That was enough for me.

And so here I sit six hundred and fourteen and a half sober days later. It's mothers day, Mr D is away on work, the house is a total mess, my sons have elected to spend the entire day in their pyjamas, the sun is shining and life is good.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. Love, love, love this post. What a great decision you made, 614 days ago! Kx

  2. "...while it was still my idea."

    I had that same sort of moment: the this is going one of two ways moment. Way one: I stop drinking. Way two: I keep drinking and end up a drunk struggling my way through life while things get harder and harder. I end up in a dingy apartment, alone. Me and my bottles of wine.

    I am the same as you- I can never go back. This quit is the very best quit I've got, so I'm making very best use of it. I don't know if I started again that I could say "never" so I will not start again, ever. This never fits fine. It's a keeper.

    Yay for pj days!

  3. lovely lovely gorgeous wine etc. Hmm smell it in the morning, its "filth". Think you need to move away from thinking like this, its just a drug like any other drug. It takes a while to like wine, when you first tasted it the taste was putrid, you have to learn to like it or get addicted to it.

    Good blog though.

  4. Have been sober almost 3 decades (eek) after a prolonged low bottom or, as we say in AA, almost all of the "yets" had happened to me...loss of jobs, homes, marriage, any semblance of self respect. They were all restored rather quickly.

    I, too, decided at the onset to quit forever for I knew I couldn't give myself any leeway. None.


  5. "When lies and deception entered my relationship."

    Yes! This is my bottom, too.

    When I started hiding my drinking, this is how I felt:

    since my Mr. didn't 'know', the problem remained invisible. Nothing to see here, folks!

    If only I have the burden of knowledge, well, I'll just pretend I don't. I am a very good pretender! And (how convenient!) drinking helps me pretend. This system is airtight!

    Drinking was a comfortable, smothering blanket. What helped me see the light?

    I didn't want to be a liar. We have one life and I don't want to live it as a liar, even less than I want to live it as a drunk.

    And I worried about what others lies would have to happen.

    And at the mere thought of him pulling the same shit, my heart would stop!

    Finding blogs such as yours have helped me like nothing else has. Thank you for writing.

  6. I love your soft bottom...and mine!

    Our soft bottoms and stubborn refusal to touch a drop has served us well.

    Bravo my friend...I love you and your tenacious spirit. You both rock!


  7. So glad I found your blog. Love this post. Thank you for putting yourself out there. Reading what you went through, it mirrors me. Knowing you have accomplished over 614 days give me hope.

  8. i know this feeling! i just had a great weekend where things came easily, too.

    As an alcoholic with a very big and hard bottom, weekends in my PJs were a bad sign, but last weekend i went outside and got some exercise (gasp) not because i though i had to or because i thought i should but because i wanted to...

    Damn but 2 years can bring some incredible changes, and i'm so psyched for what happens next!

  9. In the end, bottom is bottom. So I can identify with much of what you said. Too bad it wasn't my idea in the I mean, it was in the sense that I knew that I had no choice. So perhaps it was my idea (my ego likes to tell me that) - regardless of how we get here, and what keeps us here, recovery / sobriety is a life-saving and life-altering thing. Let's keep it going :)


  10. Amen for bottoms--soft and firm, haha.

    I am happy in a way that I choose my bottom too. I mean, there were a lot of bad things that were going to happen in just a matter of time if I didn't make that decision. I'm fortunate I didn't kill anyone, seriously, because I'm not sure I could have lived with myself I did.

    I knew if I kept drinking, I'd be drinking alone and miserable, because my husband and family were at that breaking point and I would have lost them and probably myself too.

    Big hugs Mrs. D! and Happy Mother's Day! xx

  11. Any day sober is a good one. Great post.

    My rock bottom was bad enough for me even though I still had a job, house, car, family etc. Doesn't matter when it is as long as you realise booze is costing you more than money.

    I hope you have many more sober days to come.

  12. That is a nice number, Mrs. D! It only means that alcohol has never succeed on taking over completely. Sometimes, that state of mind can help people bounce back way quicker, even before they hit their 'rock bottom'. Anyway, here's to more days of being sober. Cheers!

    Donnie Benson @ Midwest Institute