Friday, June 14, 2013


So I had a pang on Wednesday night. It started in the afternoon when I felt like having a cigarette and then just before 5pm I thought about a nice big glass of red wine, followed swiftly by a feeling of woe-is-me that I couldn't just have one.

I didn't feed that nasty thought and let it grow. I slapped it aside quick smart, grumped around the house for a bit.. grumped at Mr D when he got home .. then got busy cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Took all the twirly arms out of the dishwasher and rinsed all the crap out of them. Then made the bunk beds and tidied up all the mess, then got into bed with a mug of green tea and watched a brilliant cop show from the UK (about the huge problem alcohol causes for the emergency services in Bournemouth).

Went to sleep, got up, got on with the next day...

Sometimes it's really difficult to put into writing what it's like living sober. Sometimes the words don't do justice to the feelings.. or adequately portray the constant reality. Sometimes you just want to forget all about the fact that you're sober - and sometimes you do - but constantly underlining your life is a maintained state of awareness and rawness and inner strength. It can be exhausting at times.

It gets much easier overall as time goes on but there are still times when I feel vulnerable and just cry or have to clean a lot. That's the truth.

But still I'd far rather be raw and have a dishwasher that actually cleans the dishes than go back to that heavy wine drinking reality that I lived before. If I actually imagine drinking a glass of wine now my mind goes not to the immediate relief the wine would bring (sigh), but the likely rapid progression into that cycle of buying, drinking, worrying, buying, drinking, worrying and frankly I know which reality I choose.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. It is very complicated. Not easy, but life never is. Certainly not before, and any thoughts I had that life felt easier when I drank is misrembering or delusion. The tough moments still come for me (this week STUNK) but then it gets light again. I believe this patterns gets even easier to weather, but time will tell! I'm glad to be doing this alongside you.

  2. Ah girl, I've been running around the last three weeks with phantom limb pain, like some part of me was missing but I could still feel it. I finally figured out what it was. You! My twin in recovery. When you read my latest post, you'll understand because once again we're living the same feelings. As I said in my blog, it's not that I want to drink again, or that I even miss it, but sometimes I feel its loss more acutely than at other times. Times when I'm out of sorts or facing challenges I haven't faced yet soberly are the worse. But we'll soldier on, won't we?

  3. You hit the nail on the head Mrs D.... I am 9 months in and sometimes I get a random thought ... Why CAN'T I have one glass of wine while out to dinner? And you put it so well above...because that one glass would lead me right back to that horrible place where wine ran my whole life. But OTHER times, I get thoughts on earth did I get anything done in life when I was living that way? I am so busy all the did I fit all that chaos into my schedule? I think the answer is that I wasn't doing it very well. I am very grateful for where I am today! Thank you Mrs D!