I seem to have been talking to people lately who seem to want to (inadvertently or otherwise) put some sort of fear in me about the possibility of me drinking again.
They're saying to me things like 'you never know' and 'life is long' and 'desires can come from deep inside' and 'you're only one drink away from a relapse'. One person asked if I believe in a 'shadow self' who lives within and wants nothing but for me to go back to being a wino.
I thought about this concept - that I have a shadow of the old boozy me still inside just waiting to burst out - and thought.. 'do I believe I have a 'shadow self'? .. before answering an emphatic 'no'.
I do not believe that there is a part of me that still wants to drink copious amounts of wine and be numb and blurry and disconnected. I REFUSE to live in fear of that happening again! Sorry but I don't and I won't.
I know others will have opinions about whether it's 'wrong' for me to not hold some fear close or else I will trip up ... that I should constantly remind myself of where I was (miserable and addicted) for fear of forgetting and kidding myself that it would be a good idea to go back there (as if).
Firstly there is no chance of me forgetting my past boozy ways because of the contrast between how I felt then and how I felt now. But secondly and more importantly and let me shout this from the rooftops.
I HAVE CHANGED AND DEVELOPED SO MUCH INSIDE OF MYSELF THAT THERE IS NO CHANCE THAT I COULD REVERT TO THE OLD WAY OF THINKING THAT REGULAR ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION IS A GOOD IDEA.
Yes some serious shit is going to happen in my life, things I can't even imagine that are going to hurt like hell and make me feel wretched, but why would I have so little faith in myself that when that happens I would suddenly shy away from genuine human emotion and go back to numbing and avoiding????
Everything I have been doing since I got sober, all of the work recognising that I was an emotion avoider, learning to sit with feelings, ways to ground myself and calm my brain, acceptance of the whole experience of being a fully realised human being.. all of this work is preparing me for the shit that is going to come. Why would I suddenly think (in the future when a loved one dies or some such) that I would throw away this incredible knowledge and understanding that I have developed to drink a shitty awful brain bending liquid drug???!!!
I'm sorry but that notion is just ridiculous and anyone that is fearful on my behalf that I am going to drink again has no real knowledge of the workings of my insides.
Well why would they? They're not me.
Maybe they are still misguided and think drinking alcohol is something to be desired? Something helpful? I don't.
Maybe they subscribe to the notion that remaining fearful of relapse is the best way to stay sober? I don't.
Really it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know my truth. I know how I feel today and how prepared I feel for all of my sober tomorrows. And that's all that matters.
Love, Mrs D xxx
I love this! You are so strong in your knowledge of yourself. I love that you have no doubts what so ever. I'm going to get to there too. I'm working on it.
ReplyDeleteI've seen the same kind of fearmongering used to try and discourage women who have come out of abusive relationships from falling in love again and trying for a new, different, better relationship with another person. 'Once a battered woman, always a battered woman.' Such nonsense. We are free to move on and find new ways of living without constantly looking back over our shoulders... xMary
ReplyDelete:-) I wish I was as sure about this for myself as you are. I am pretty sure I can make the same statement as you do but I don't because I have fear for relapse. Not that I think I will but I do have this fear and I can remember it seeping in with reading books on addiction and online blogs. When I quit (today 21 months ago :-)) I thought I had made a decission and that was it but 'everybody' seems to say differently; instilling this fear. While actually research has shown that people who live in the 'lapse, relapse, collapse' thought are MORE likely to relapse than those who don't. A hangover free life has posted something about this I believe something over a year ago. I can get very angry about this 'thing' people do to eachother there. I am hoping that one day I can come to not being angry, not fearing (or being arrogant which, in my case, is never far away) but observing and adjusting when needed. Not there yet. :-)
ReplyDeletexx, Feeling
I think you are absolutely right about the work you have done and continue to do creating the foundation for being able to handle what may come. It translates to the highest highs and lowest lows. You are doing so great. Thank you for your continued awesomeness!
ReplyDeleteGreat post and I'm with you 100%!
ReplyDeleteI believe you're right - that drinking was a bad self-soothing technique that you don't use anymore. It's no different from the fact that children suck their thumbs to self-soothe and adults don't. I see it as maturing away from faulty thinking as well as maturing in how you take care of yourself emotionally. All of this, of course, flies in the face of the "disease model" used by AA and all other 12-step groups. They want you to believe that alcoholism is a disease like diabetes: once you've got it, you've got it for life.
I bought into that message once. All it did was give me an excuse for relapse and decrease any trust I had in my own judgment. I mean, I started out not trusting others and ended up not trusting myself either! Plus, I spent all my time going to meetings, planning my food (food was my drug), talking to my sponsor about my food, and generally making the world accommodate my way of eating. And still, after all that, I relapsed regularly. I can't tell you how many sponsors and helpful friends encouraged me to fear relapse - but increased fear and anxiety didn't keep it from happening.
Your blog and other books I've read about Rational Recovery changed my thinking. Now, I look forward to getting on with my life. I have a better relationship with food, I don't binge anymore, and I have a better relationship with myself. I feel like I'm finally (at the tender age of 55) growing out of my adolescent wild-child phase.
Keep on keeping on, Mrs. D! You encourage me.
Mrs. D, this blog has given me hope that I will one day be as confident as you are now. I know it will happen. I just have to work on the issues that led me to drink in the first place and become a hell-on-wheels sober person. I have to embrace the sober me the same way I used to embrace my Cosmos.
ReplyDeleteThank you for showing me my future. ; )
Good for you, Mrs D! I really agree with what you say here. Keeping the fear close is just the opposite of how I want to live. I think that kind of talk can undermine people, which is just the opposite of the kind of support that's so much needed in being sober. Thanks for saying it so clearly! And to throw in some more exclamation points because I know you love them, hooray you!!!!! xo
ReplyDeleteI wish I had your conviction!
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite there yet, but this week, after taking care of my 91 year old mother, I can say, I am ever so thankful I don't drink!
xo
Wendy
I agree we shouldn't live in fear that someday it will "just happen" again. That's where our tools come in....reading my list of horrors due to drinking, counting my blessings, thinking about how much has changed, using the NOT TODAY tool when I'm really thinking about it, and looking at my family and seeing the relief in their eyes. Finally being able to see the BIG PICTURE.....that my drinking hurt those I love.
ReplyDeleteI think people are so tied into the belief that they NEED alcohol, that it is hard to really understand how we KNOW that we do not. Not ever. Not for anything or any situation. Perhaps it's one of those things that you have to be controlled by to really understand it's power? You are never really FREE unless you can live life without needing something to numb you or make you feel some way other than what you really do. I never realized it until I gave up all the things I was addicted to. I was a slave to those things, but now I am free. I never want to go back to living that way.
ReplyDeleteThis post has stayed with since I read it. I am finding that sobriety has layers, and that each stage has some interesting and frankly, deep life lessons. I find it so reassuring that you are so sure that you won't drink again, Mrs. D. I tell myself that I'll drink again when I move back to Mexico, which is 12 years from now. I find that forever seems still daunting to me after 1+ years sober, and putting it off til a day far in the future works for me for now, to keep me sober. I feel like I get to have a stab at having a life, rather than obsessing about alcohol, and recovering from it. Thank-you, Mrs. D, for your inspiring words. xx
ReplyDeleteA month ago I drove through a roaring forest fire with my daughter, leaving our home and city behind to burn.
ReplyDeleteI didn't drink after that. The thought was insane. Sober I can do anything required.
Thankfully our house did not burn. But we are still evacuated a month later. Ongoing chaos.
How could alcohol help? It could only make a hard situation harder.
I totally agree I've been sober 16 months and my nan has just passed / I could have easily have picked up a drink but i choose not to . It's disapline and telling yourself you were not put on this earth to be an alcoholic
ReplyDeleteI feel a little bit of a fraud now because I am in a position where I know that one drink could literally kill me so I know I never will drink again.Does the fact that I nearly died with burst varices,liver failure and ascites put me in an enviable place...I never want to drink again but I know that I can't so am I a fraud ?
ReplyDeleteYes, quitting alcohol is DIFFICULT - it is far more difficult than figuring out the one-million-dollar-question of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. But, it is POSSIBLE. Now You can Giving Up Alcohol. And you SHOULD start NOW, before it’s too late.
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