Month 12 - Wings

(Below are all the posts I wrote in my twelfth month of sobriety. I've compiled them here into one page so that it's easy to see where I was at throughout this stage of my recovery. What you don't get to see by reading the posts this way is all the wonderful, supportive, warm and wise comments that came from the online community and that have been so crucial in my recovery. To share in that warmth and wisdom you need to read by going through my Blog Archive on the right.  If you are reading this here and you are at the same stage of recovery yourself, please comment at the bottom to share your thoughts and experiences with others. Love, Mrs D xxx)
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8 August - "Yo ..(lack of imagination with post title)"


So I've been a bit grumpy, had a tummy bug on the weekend and didn't eat properly for 4 days, have had two drinking dreams, kids are being really demanding and I'm up against a deadline with my MA so am spending all my spare time writing and the rest of the time stressing that I should be writing, hence the grumpy-at-the-kids attitude, Mr D isn't around half as much with the long hours for his new job so I'm doing a lot of the parenting stuff alone and my young guy is now toilet training so I'm cleaning up a lot of accidents, it's raining and I feel like a bit of a stress cadet.

So! Time for some gratitude as someone sensibly suggested to me.

1) I am so fucking happy I could scream it from the mountain tops that I am sober!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I fucking love that I am dealing with all of this shit without the added complication of necking loads of booze.  Sorry about the swearing.

2) My boys are beautiful.  They are noisy, rowdy, pushy, demanding, argumentative wonderful bundles of life. They live life at maximum level and as their mum I have to constantly negotiate, mediate, placate and nurture them not to mention feed, water, clean and rest them but I love them so much I really do. They are good, crazy, special boys.

3) I just bought a lovely scented candle.

4) I have a great husband.

5) I have many many lovely friends scattered around this country and around the world and even though I am still sad to not be close to my friends we have just moved away from I have decided that friends are like precious jewels that you gather up and they never go away.

6) I am actually really enjoying this MA work (although it is hard to be doing it while being a full-time mum, but that is my choice).

7) I have my health, aside from the afore mentioned bug, and did I mention that I am so-fucking-happy that I am looking after myself and not slowly ruining myself with booze??!!

8) I am one month away from being one year sober and that, my friends, is a very very good thing.

Love, Mrs D xxx

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13 August 2012 - Things that happen"


I put white wine in my chicken casserole tonight and leaned over the pot as it bubbled away evaporating down.  Smelled nice but didn't trigger anything much.

They were doing wine tastings at the local supermarket - offering little plastic cups filled with good quality white varieties as shoppers entered the bread section. 'Not for me thanks', I said with a smile, then spent the next 5 minutes imagining myself explaining to her why I was turning her down.

Making plans for my 'soberversary', and how I'm going to make an elaborate cake and order myself some treaty takeaways to have for dinner.

Met my deadline for my first chapter of results to my supervisor, emailed it off last night.  Stoked! Totally stoked with myself.  Couldn't have done that if boozing.

Loving reading the new bloggers who have come on the scene and are still early days (less than 90), as it's so good reading them and being reminded about all that gritty, hard work that we do early on in recovery when we're re-training our brains.  Bless every one of you.

Woke up this morning after yet another long heavy good sleep and tried hard to remember what it was like to wake up hungover and knackered after being awake in the night with a fizzy brain, taking endless trips to the loo and feeling terribly guilty.

I am reminded constantly that things can change in a heartbeat, that life is hard, and that I am so pleased to be fully present in the midst of my extended family, clearheaded, openhearted and sober.  That is such a good thing.

Love, Mrs D xxx

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15 August 2012 - "Vulnerable? Odd? Not sure..."


Hi all .. just a quick post, realised I'm feeling a bit odd and want to write it out to examine what's going on.  Have decided that I'm going to buy a packet of cigarettes in the grocery shop today and have a sneaky one before I pick the kids up at 3pm.  Haven't had a ciggy since Christmas when I was indulging a little, like it was my 'treat' for getting through the silly season without booze. Some stern talk from my lovelies out in the blog-o-sphere helped me decide that was bloody stupid and I stopped before it became an intrenched habit.  But now I've decided I want one or two.  That I 'need' one or two, or 'deserve' it or something.

Also feel like getting a Red Bull (!!shock horror!!).. I dunno .. this seems kind of minor and silly but the truth is I'm feeling a bit weird and ... vulnerable...?

It's all this talk of the one year soberversary which is looming.  I suddenly feel very overly aware of my 'point of difference' again, my sobriety, my living a dry life.  I feel like it's all very tenuous and delicate.

Mr D had a MONSTER glass of red wine after work yesterday (it was the only one he had but it was probably actually more like 2 1/2 glasses in one glass, it was that big).  It sat on the edge of the bench for 10 minutes or so while he helped get the boys to bed and .. I walked past it a couple of times .. and fuck it was really like looming large in my vision.

And then I let myself totally imagine just grabbing it and sculling it down real fast.  It wasn't an entirely pleasant imagining but I totally went there in my mind.  Like .. it would be just so easy.

Fuck.  This is annoying.  But anyway...

So, off to buy some cigarettes.  You know, for a treat.

And don't worry .. there's nofuckingway I'm going to actually have a drink because I don't do that because I'm an alcoholic and I'm way better off with that booze out of my life and I love being sober and I'm proud of myself and other people are proud of me and oh yes aren't I so clever and strong wow oh wow look at me clever sober fucking clever sober me.

Sorry.

Off to have a ciggy now.

Love, Mrs D xxx

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18 August 2012 - "An early start"


So the two little boys woke us at 5.15am.  Boy were we annoyed.  5.15am is THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!!!!!!  So there were lots of stern words as we tried unsuccessfully to get them to stay quiet until the sun came up or at least one bird started to chirp.

I lay with my head buried into the pillow feeling grumpy... grumbling .. grumpy .. but then .. made myself pause for a minute .. head buried in the pillow.. and think .. think of the wider picture Mrs D .. the bigger picture .. the whole entire picture.

It was 5.30am... my sons were giggling, my lovely husband was grumbling into his pillow next to me all warm and snugly in our bed .. the sun was about to rise on a clear Saturday morning and despite being a little tired I was also clear.  Clear headed and sober.

I'm bloody 40 years old and I've kicked a dysfunctional drinking habit to the curb and I am sober.

My life has it's ups and downs, way more than it used to.  Sometimes it's tricky. Sometimes it's gritty and I get grumpy or sad.  Sometimes shit happens to people around me and relationships get strained.  Life is tricky, people are complicated, people get sick, shit happens.  Shit happens all the time.  But dammit, all I have to do is not drink alcohol and I'm doing ok.  I am doing ok.

So I got up (I'm not going to embellish here and say all day was peaches and roses) but I got out of bed a damn sight happier that I could have done.  There was no hangover or guilt or concern about my alarming wine consumption, just a tired mother-of-three getting into the day earlier than she would have liked.

I'm feeling better.  I'm glad to hear people telling me that soberversaries can be hard.  I'm kind of annoyed once again to realise that I'll probably always be glum that I can't have a glass of wine or three to unwind.  But I can't.  I didn't.  I don't.  I used to.  Boy did I used to guzzle wine like it was water.  Hard and fast, lots of it.  In the glass it went.  Down my throat.  Bottles in the recycling.  Go get more.  In the glass.  Down the throat.  Wine, wine, wine, wine, wine. Not for me no more.

Now, off to make pizza with Parmesan cheese, thinly sliced potato, anchovies and rocket at the end to finish. Yummy!  A pink sparkling grapefruit juice to drink with it while I sit on the sofa, read my supervisor's notes on my draft chapter and watch the All Blacks play Australia.  Who needs wine.

Love, Mrs D xxx

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22 August 2012 "Why I love being sober"


I chatted with a friend the other day about about all the stuff that had been going on lately and opened up that it had been a hard time 'sober-wise' as I'd been hankering for a glass of wine to help me deal with things.  Told her that I'd pushed through OK (with the help of half a cigarette that tasted awful) and things were smoothing out now and I was getting closer to my one year 'soberversary'.  She said, "I often think of you. How amazingly strong you are. I wish I could drink less."

Ok so there's a lot going on here.  1) she's concerned she drinks too much 2) she's being honest with herself about her drinking and working to keep in as under control as possible and 3) she thinks of me and it helps!

I'd be a big fat liar if I didn't admit that I love that people are impressed by me giving up booze.  It's a vain, big-headed thing to say but it's definitely one of the big positives about living sober and I'll take the good along with the bad.

Good = people are impressed, people think I'm strong, I think I'm strong!, I respect myself more, I have a much healthier self-image, I make more effort with my appearance and personal grooming (the extra bits like nails and eyebrows), I'm saving money, I am healthier, I am calmer, I am more considered in my approach to interpersonal matters, I am ensuring my kids won't carry any shit from having a heavy-drinking mum, I am choosing a sustainable way of living well for the second half of my life.

Bad = I'm different from the majority, I won't be able to be 'silly pissed' at parties and might have to retreat if it's difficult to mesh with people who are getting tipsy or drunk, I have to deal with tricky interpersonal stuff in a raw and real state which is sometimes not as appealing as blurring the edges with wine, the angry and sad versions of myself are more pronounced when they're around, I don't get to taste alcohol any more.

These are the facts.  This is what I have chosen.  No regrets.

Love, Mrs D xxx

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29 August 2012 - "Almost one year"


It's coming pretty easily right now.  Just busy living and not thinking or caring about the no-alcohol thing.  Got a bit of stress on with my MA, have been forcing my way through some heavy-duty theorists ... trying to understand what they're saying enough to write them in my own words and not feel like a fraud.

Mr D is really busy at work and has been having a few boozy nights out and that's fine by me - he can have them. I think it's good for him actually, to blow off some steam with colleagues or friends every now and then.  He has a very stressful job and is a great husband and dad, he's also a normal drinker who can have some blow-outs and then not touch alcohol for a week or two and not even really notice.

Me, no such luck.

I've been hearing stories from friends about boozy parties. I'm the queen of the living-room disco dance and don't need to be determinedly filling myself with wine (as I used to do) to enjoy them.

As I said to a mate, I feel like I'm in Magical Sober Land which is such a different head-space to what I used to be in I don't want to tip up the apple cart.  I think I understand now that my heavy wine-drinking was me not feeling fully happy in my own mind (that plus being a good-time party girl and someone who didn't want to deal with serious emotions).

Now I look to other things to keep me happy.  Really trying to not let the little stressful or miserable thoughts crowd in but try to lift my eyesight (metaphorically speaking) and widen my view to what a full, lovely life I have.  Do the things that make me happy - studying and exercising my mind, the gym and exercising my body (not so much lately as the kids have been sick), enjoying my cooking and trying new recipes out, keeping the house neat and ticking over nicely (confession: I find washing and folding laundry extremely satisfying), keeping in contact with all my far-flung friends, caring and being kind to my family, loving and snuggling my little boys as much as I possibly can.  And loving and supporting Mr D.

I cannot believe that almost one year ago I was still boozing and about to make the biggest decision of my life.  To remove alcohol completely and wrap myself in a warm cloak of sobriety.  Thank god I did that.

Now, back to those bloody theorists.....

Love, Mrs D xxx

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3 September 2012 - "Punctuation can go jump"


too much coffee two a day is all but more compared with the one or none i've been having all my lovely green teas are a thing of the past right now too much sugar as well have been going to bed with a bowl of cereal topped with 3 desert spoons of sugar what the hell is that compensating for the coffee i suppose

classic reactions up and down and up and down spent all day looking at the computer screen trying to write not sure if i achieved much at all felt low teary at times went out to the garage to have a cigarette am i pre-menstrual

saw a photo of someone on holiday relaxing on a deck chair with a glass of wine looked so nice had a pang of course classic reaction to feeling low transfer it all on to the fact i don't drink alcohol started thinking that people who live near us now think it's boring coming here because it can't be lets have a drink or two energy just come for food but of course i'll be sober coz i'm sober all the time more classic sad pangs about alcohol where really this is just another day in the cycle of life

am i still learning how to live sober i thought i had it nailed so excited about one year have been planning my final post saying goodbye to blogger thinking one year is all i need but now i'm crying writing this i don't think 365 days is any different to 364 or 370 it's just on and on and can i really say goodbye to my friends my only support sherry emailed me today because i commented on her blog that i was feeling blah and i cried while i read her email how can i say goodbye to that i'm silly if i think i'm stronger and bigger than support even if it's faceless support on the computer it's real and warm and necessary anyway i know what sherry looks like she emailed me a photo once she's beautiful

don't even care about the one year in fact i think it's silly to mark it like a big deal it's just another sober day in a long line of sober days my eyes are all red now my boys are asking what's wrong i'm just saying nothing i'm just a bit emotional today and the middle guy just said did you miss us today mum i said yes

too much naval gazing another reason for not blogging any more all me me me all the time struggling to find things to write about outside of just the workings of my head because i'm alone a lot writing my ma and i don't have the same friends network here in my day to day life that i used to have so there aren't a lot of interactions to report on i am getting sick of myself but here i am blahhing on to my computer screen with tears rolling down my face bloody hell i'm going out to the garage to have another cigarette don't think for one second i'm actually going to drink but you know a sober life is more emotional and all that

love mrs d xxx

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5 September 2012 - "I'm not saying goodbye"


Phew! Glad I got that out of my system. Man, I'm really sorry that I can't be a shining example of a nice calm sober person who glides through being so serene, happy and contented to have taken away that nasty wine.  I'm not her.  I'm a bloody emotional 40-year-old stressed out by her MA and her three rowdy young sons and hormones and general life stuff.

Tricky stuff.  Life.  But shit, I'm not going to be a dickhead and say goodbye to the only support network I have.  I don't go to AA and while I like to think that I'm big and hard and strong enough to do anything I want..!  I'm not.  So here I am and here I'll stay.  I might not be so regular at posting because I do have to give birth to 40,000 words of utter genius (my thesis) but I'll stay connected because to do otherwise might be foolish.

Take a look at what Mary said to me after the last post...

"What happens when we sober up Mrs D is that we find ourselves facing the problem of living. Sometimes the problem of drinking to avoid living seems simple by comparison. Life just keeps happening. Good, bad, wonderful, ugly, awful, intense and unstoppable, all of it. But it will get easier and those milestones count. One year is great. You don't want to start all over again, counting from day one. Continuity and sober time means something, little by little we find we are learning how to live, learning how to deal with thesis loneliness, stress, small children, eating patterns, bored brothers-in-law, moving house, publishing books, working at marriage, facing illness, facing success, travelling, making friends, living life to the full. We stop looking for comfort or numbness in external gratifications like smoking and sugar. We look inward and outward, we get better at relationships and work. We ride out the storm again and again."

Why would I say goodbye to that kind of loveliness and wisdom?

I've described sober life before as being like an emotional roller coaster. Monday (the non-punctuation day) was me racing down a steep section with my arms raised my mouth wide open and an ear-splitting scream coming from my mouth.  AAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

Today I'm cruising round a gentle corner.  Writing a different section of the current chapter of my thesis, material I'm comfortable with (not like those nasty theorists that had me in a spin on Monday).  Windows open and a breeze flowing through the house.  Mr D packing in the other room ready to go overseas for a week.  Lots of treaty foods in the house for me and the boys to enjoy while he's gone. Heart beating more calmly. Thoughts flowing more freely.

This time last year I was only hours away from my final binge. This time last year I was a boozer. Today I'm not. Roll on tomorrow.

Love, Mrs D xxxx

(here's some extra punctuation to make up for the last post.. ..,,!?";...!! (),,.??!!" ;; " , . , . ,,?"!!"

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7 September 2012 - "Got my wings now"


Had a lovely soberversary.

Rode for an hour on the bike at the gym watching Channel E with headphones on.

Went to posh deli for lots of foodie treats with the little guy in tow (he chose marshmallows and one big green apple).

Had a long hot shower back home and took my time choosing clothes, laying out outfits on the bed (I never do that).

Went online and bought some second-hand cassettes to listen to in the car which has no CD player (The Beatles, Paul Simon and The Cranberries - best I could find).

Had lovely long phone call with my baby sister.

Did puzzles with the little guy on the floor.

Went to scooter park with all the kids after school. Bought nice takeaway coffee.

Ordered Indian takeaways for dinner, me and the boys all ate too much but boy was it yummy.

Kids watched cartoons before bed - big treat.

I finished up on the sofa watching the final of my current favourite Reality TV programme with a mug of green tea and a piece of coconut ice.

Thought about how my life is like a pencil drawing.  Now all sharp edges and clear. Before with wine it was like something had been smudged all over the top of it.

It was an interesting day, emotionally.  Actually I just felt calm and quite at peace.

Yes there are hard times, those sharp edges cut sometimes, but I like it like this.  It's challenging and interesting and ... well frankly I just don't want to go back to being that boozy mum who was so reliant on wine.

Mr D left a present in my top drawer when he went away - texting me from the taxi en route to the airport telling me to go look at it.   A lovely broach, silver with wings.  Wrote me a card which says "On your one year anniversary. I'm very proud of you, you are an inspiration to us all.  You got your wings now."

Yep.

Love, Mrs D xxx