Awkward

I went out for dinner last night with some colleagues and one of them ordered a glass of wine, which is totally fine by me. At 12 years sober (12 years sober canyoufuckingbelieveit!) I don't hanker for wine any more or get cravings or wish I could drink it or envy others for drinking it, they can have that dumb stuff is my opinion. I love my sober life.

But my colleague obviously felt a bit awkward about getting a glass of wine and drinking it around me, knowing my story as we work in the addiction space, so they made a bit of a song and dance about it, acting kinda defiant and loudly justifying why they deserved a wine. I was trying to act all cool and just let it go by, but it went on a bit long and then their awkwardness moved them to shift their focus onto me and my relationship with booze. "Did you used to enjoy a glass of wine paired with dinner like I am or were you just always like 'get the wine in me'?!" they asked.

It was not the time to ask about my drinking problem! Just drink your wine and let's get on with dinner! But I had to reply so I awkwardly answered, "Um, yeah. I did enjoy wine with dinner." They didn't let it go, "but what I mean is did you ever really enjoy having a wine with dinner, like I am now, or was it not like that?" I seriously didn't know what to say! "Um, yeah. But towards the end it was, um, you know, um, my drinking was really disfunctional and took me to a super dark place and kinda ruined my life.' 

It went on for a bit longer, more questions and awkward answers. I can't remember exactly what else was said because I was just feeling really awkward. I think I put my finger to my lips at one point as if to say 'just sshh and drink your bloody wine!'. Goodness knows what our other colleague thought of the whole exchange, sitting across the table from us. 

Why was I feeling so awkward? People drink in front of me all the bloody time and I never feel awkward. Obviously for my colleague drinking in front of me at dinner just felt super awkward so they awkwardly dealt with the awkwardness by awkwardly asking me awkward questions which just made everything more awkward. 

I have never typed the word awkward so often in my life.

I guess they were trying to highlight that their drinking wasn't disfunctional, that they were doing a meal pairing so it was ok, or something, but can't you just process that yourself and leave me out of it? Gah! 

Anyway, we got over it. I love this colleague, we work very closely together and get on great. Once the awkwardness passed we had good chats and a lovely evening (we are out of town attending a conference). 

Anyhoo, like I say, I am very happily 12 years sober, no longer working on my relationship with alcohol. My new thing has been working on my relationship with food and body image, and (wait for it), I have just written a new book about this which will be coming out early next year. 

Called 'Mrs D is not on a diet', it is probably the most honest and vulnerable I've ever been in print (and that's saying something). But that's ok, I can cope with vulnerability. Writing is how I process stuff. Writing got me sober, and now it has massively helped me combat diet culture. Hopefully other people will get some benefit from my writing on this topic as well. 

Time will tell!   

Love, Mrs D xxx