Thursday, March 6, 2014

The phoenix she rises….

Went to see The Wolf of Wall Street the other night.. wow nothing like watching a bunch of horrible people get right royally fucked off their tits for three hours straight to put you off being a wastoid. Please excuse my language but OMG that's all these dudes seemed to do. Get utterly wasted on drugs and alcohol at every opportunity.

There's this scene late in the movie when the Leonardo DiCaprio character has been sober for a while and his friend comes to visit and asks him what it's like "not being able to get wasted any more". The Leo character says; 'It sucks. I want to kill myself.'

I'm not surprised he felt like that. The dude (the Leo character) struck me as an emotionally stunted, hollow person with a vacant soul. He needed the drugs and alcohol to feel alive.

But, you know, it's different for everyone. And I'm just judging from the outside anyway. Inside (where the truth lies) everyone's reasons for drinking/using is different.. what the drink/drugs did for us is different.. what we discover about ourselves in recovery is different and how we develop as people when we get sober is different.

As I said on The Bubble Hour.. reading widely lots of recovery stories is helpful because various bits of different stories might resonate. But your story is your own.

Me, I used alcohol to stay upbeat and squash down negative emotions. And I believed alcohol was the necessary ingredient to have a fun time. I'm simplifying massively but this is the quick gist of it.

Recovering for me meant learning how to live with feelings I did not want to feel (like sadness, anger and stress), and learning that alcohol does not have the power to make fun times fun (other things do like people and food and music and atmosphere and the sun shining and new shoes and all manner of glorious things that don't fuck with my head like alcohol did).

I'm still a work in progress… I still feel like I'm wearing a hair shirt on the weeks when I'm a bit glum and flat (like last week).. but I'm happy to report that like a phoenix from the flames I have risen again this week to feel cheery and positive.

Ebbs and flows. Life's like that. And now.. off to watch American Idol! With a cup of herbal tea and NO CHOCOLATE!

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. Well Mrs D, thank you for your thoughts and experiences. I really enjoyed what you had to say and I am sure many people would align themselves to you and your experiences. It never amazes me to hear about how we as human beings change as our lives evolve as life circumstances change. Thank you for sharing

  2. Hi, Mrs. D. If you see a bunch of traffic on your earlier posts, that's just me, reading your blog from start to finish. I really love it, so thanks very much for sharing!

  3. Yep...isn't it funny that the most natural thing in the world - the ebbs and flows of life - is the hardest for us to deal with? In fact, I think that dealing with them IS why I drank...or maybe it was to have fun...or to help me sleep...oh hell - it was ALL of that!

    So glad you're back to your bubbly cheerful self.


  4. It is surprising how different people will experience the same thing and have widely different perceptions of it. I and my brother experienced our home life very differently. He found consolation in religion. I took the more immediate path and go it in a bottle. He doesn't hate our parents, I tell people I had not parents.
    You are spot on when you said every drunk had their own reasons for abusing their drug of choice.

  5. Mrs D I saw that film too and have to confess part of me was jealous at their excesses - I'm obviously not far away enough yet to see it how you did. But that's the point of your post isn't it - we all have different reasons and perceptions :) xx

  6. Want to see that movie... don't want to see that movie! That is how I feel about it.

    I'm grateful that I've got a sobriety that I want and that is great. Being like I was without alcohol - I can see why that is shit for anyone