Friday, October 10, 2014

In a bit of a funk...

So yesterday I found myself trying to convince myself that it would be ok to get stoned.. because, like, you know.. marijuana isn't alcohol dudes….

Mmmm it was a lovely thought. I could have a wee toot on a pipe and put my sunglasses on so no-one could see my eyes and I could be locked in a wee bubble in my head.. a private stoned place where I could feel strangely removed from everything going on around me..

"What fun" my brain told me.

"Interesting" my brain responded. "Interesting that you are hankering after this feeling of being 'removed'". At that moment an attractive part of the mental image was definitely having the sunglasses on and kind of being in a private, removed place.

'What's going on?" my brain asked my brain (because that's the kind of twisted place my brain is in, where thoughts kind of do a Mexican stand-off and talk to each other).. "I don't know" my brain responded. "Maybe I'm just sick of being so goddam raw all the goodam time."

Raw and raw and sober and raw and here I am sober and raw all the fucking time.

Like other  people can have alcohol sometimes and sugar because they can MODERATE and they're not a freaky GIVE-ME-LOADS! person like I am when it comes to those substances.

Last night I had HARD-OUT sugar cravings and I'm having them again right now. I am really hankering for some sugar. Something hard core like a handful of lollies or 10 marshmallows.

So what is going on? I'm feeling vulnerable that's for sure. A bit needy where normally I'm not. Kind of 'itchy' and uncomfortable… feeling the need for something….. pot/candy/not wine no fucking way.

Just in a bit of a funk I suppose. It happens I suppose. Moods. Life. Pesky emotions.

But I am not going to get stoned, nor am I going to eat some hard-core sugar dressed up like fun, and certainly I'm not going to put any poisonous alcohol in my body. I am going to make myself a cup of tea and go gently with myself (this is so funny because this is what I say to all the newbies at Living Sober all the time) and I'm going to go to bed and wake up in the morning and hopefully by then I'll feel better.

Because this is uncomfortable emotion and it will pass. Time alone will heal it.. I do not need to reach for a substance to 'help' me 'deal' with this. I just have to be kind to myself, go gently and go to bed.

Night night.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. In my first few weeks sober when my friend came to stay the night and she had decided not to drink for that night, we had some hash chocolate that another friend had given me the night before (feeling sorry for me because I was sober). I don't even smoke dope, haven't done for many years. Anyway we were just home on our own and I'd cooked us a nice beef vindaloo, and we decided to give it a shot. We sat glued to the tv Midsomer Murders I think, and as is my habit, when the ads come on I mute it, and we sat there in silence for 5 mintues while the ads were on then back to the movie. Not really paranoid but heavily stoned! She quite enjoyed it but I couldn't wait to be straight again. I thought it was ok at the time as it was drinking I was ditching, and I didn't intend to be all holier than thou about it. But it wasn't a success for me, and I like it better stone cold sober. What's an old girl like me doing eating hash chocolate anyway!!

  2. You're so good at writing this stuff. I love how you describe it - "I'm feeling vulnerable that's for sure. A bit needy where normally I'm not. Kind of 'itchy' and uncomfortable… feeling the need for something "
    I feel like that a lot and feel like I'm gonna go bonk, bonk, bonkers.
    Perhaps tonight I just need to go to bed too, and put this day to rest.
    Sleep well, I think you're amazing xxx

  3. When I went to AA they said having any sustance that was mind and mood altering eg. alcohol, dope meant that ruined your soberity. With all that you have to do you must feel under a lot of pressure sometimes and vunderable at other times. Sometimes we just need to be alone to collect our thoughts and keep our head in the right space. Good on you for being honest.

  4. I used marijuana for years (decades) because I was afraid of becoming an alcoholic like certain family members. I ended up just being a (mostly) high-functioning stoner instead, and just as dysfunctional in my own way. I became heavily dependent on it and smoked every day. I finally gave it up 84 days ago - and gave up drinking, too - and am so glad I did. Some people can smoke and not have a problem, but I definitely cannot. I really feel you about the sugar cravings, too! They can be rough. Good for you for staying strong!

  5. 'I suddenly didn't want to be dominated by that non-human anymore, or even be dominated by the moral obligation to enlarge my conciousness anymore. Or do anything except be my heart- which just desired to be and be alive now. I had a very strange ecstatic feeling then and there once I had sort of got that burden off my back, because I was suddenly free to love myself again and love the people around me, in the form that they already were and love myself in my own form as I am.'
    Allen Ginsberg.

  6. I think it's strange because we have these cravings and we think it's something we want but then when we give into them they make us feel worse, it's like our mind doesn't know what it actually wants or else it's some sick part of us that likes feeling sick and tries to trick us into eating the candy or smoking the joint or whatever the thing is that our brain is telling us that we should have even though at the same time there's another part of brain which knows that it'll be bad news. I guess it's the id vs the superego and it's an on going battle. It gets tiresome and boring sometimes always being responsible and always being a goody two shoes (is that the expression? ) sometimes you just want to rebel and do something bad.... unfortunately for us addicts we can't just satiate our craving voices with a little taste of forbidden elixir... once we've got the bottle in our hands nothing else matters.... so where's our comfort? Where's our relief? I think we have to realise that our thoughts don't define us that they don't even necessarily come from us and to learn how to take refuge in a deeper part of ourselves away from all the noisy pesky chatter.... I think we get there through practice. .. peaceful, quiet, meditation and breathing... long slow breathes from the belly.

  7. ah. The thought of blissful numbness.
    I don't think it would be as good as you imagine. I take meds for severe migraines and I hate the blurry feeling they give me. I truly crave the clarity of being sober.

    Take care of yourself. And attempts I make to. Restrict food or sugar still throws me completely off kilter. Sobriety is too important to mess with.

  8. Sending a big hug to you, Mrs D. I know you're spending a lot of time and energy looking after of a whole lot of people and stuff, so I'm glad to hear you're being kind to yourself, too. Take care. xoxo

  9. I've had this thought too Mrs D - about getting stoned. I have to ask though why is a bit of sugar such a bad thing, even 10 marshmallows? Cutting out all of life's perceived pleasures sounds punitive and not kind to yourself. Just my thoughts :) xx

  10. Sometimes I think an addict just seeks addiction - wherever they may find it. That sweet feeling of self-medicated fullness...I know of a recovering alcoholic who power eats boiled peanuts (bloody shells everywhere...) and I have begun to binge on candy now that I'm sober. And believe me, I don't stop at 10 marshmallows. It's nice to know that someone else longs for that elusive SOMETHING... and nice to know that if you hold out with the discomfort for just a minute it will pass.

  11. Going to bed sometimes fixes everything. If that doesn't a walk might. And if that doesn't, call in the reinforcements. :) Much love to you, dear friend.

  12. Hello Mrs D, hope you are enjoying this magical sunny day.

    Have a look at about the Lightening Process, might be the "fix" you are looking for. Incredibly simple and incredibly empowering. I attended a course last year for doing CFS which I had been doing for approx. 3 years. Read as much as you can as they stories are so inspiring. While I didn't use LP for giving up drinking [lord knows why] I am applying it to better eating and weight release and feel amazing because for it.
    Hope you find it helpful.

  13. I heard the comedian Louis C.K. talking the other day and he doesn't drink or anything but apparently once a month he likes to smoke a little bit of marijuana and go and watch an I-max movie. I guess it's O.K if you just do it once in a while.... or would it impact on alcohol sobriety? Maybe it's too risky. Anyway I think Lotta is referring to a general feeling of wanting to remove herself from her thoughts and everyone gets tired of listening to the wheels in their brain spin from time to time. I find running very good for my mental well being.

  14. Do anything you need to; cleaning again, reading, exceptionally early night, cooking, crap tv...anything but going back to oblivion. You have come too far to go back there. Remember my love, it's a dark horrible place where there is just nothingness.

    1. That's true. And it's good to be reminded of how dark and horrible that place is. It's so easy to forget when one little drink seems so tempting.

    2. There should be some way we could visit that dark place of alcohol dependency everyday just for a few minutes then how wonderful our present mind states would seem in comparison.

  15. Hey Mrs.D,

    Yep....I hears ya!

    A (cough, cough) friend of mine is having an emotional affair to get that dopamine hit, "up" feeling, and escape the hard reality of everyday slog. It is driven by those exact same addictive drives.......crazy shit I tell you.

    Marshmallows seem innocuous by comparison.

    Hugs xx

  16. I think we all go through these funks at times - I know I do. Luckily now rarely I think of a drink or something else to "fix" me - but I do isolate, go into grumpy mode, blame the world and others for why my life isn't bloody marvellous etc. I have to have those conversations in my head too where I take notice of this issue and do something to move on from it