Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Monkeys ….

So I've actually been kinda grumpy and wound up lately, and feeling hassled about the world and my life, and moaning to friends about how much parenting I do and how intense it is and how the summer holidays were incredibly long and how this school year began but only for two days and then stopped and then we had a long weekend and how Mr D went away for 5 days for work ….

And I've been thinking that I need to get into some meditating or some such to calm my brain down and just chill the fuck out so I can feel happy and peaceful again (if I ever did? I'm sure I do a lot…) and I followed lots of lovely advice from blog readers and downloaded Headspace again and started their 10-day free trial and listened to Day 1 and the nice English man guiding me through a meditation but that was 3 days ago and I still haven't done Day 2 ….

And I found the Oprah and Deepak meditation site and registered via email for something-I'm-not-sure-what, it was all rather confusing, nothing is free but then sometimes they offer stuff free? Maybe I'll get another email when it's ready? There was a free sample on the App but it was also confusing, just an Indian man (Deepak?) saying 'I will embrace all the beauty around' (or something) about five times and then just some music which was nice but reminded me of beauty therapist music - whales and chimes and all floaty sounds… could only listen for five minutes because in the background was the sound of a man playing a video game on YouTube which my 8-year-old was listening to really loudly.

And still I'm kind of grumpy and dissatisfied and I keep thinking 'what the hell is wrong with your life you crazy woman your problems are so very 'first world problems' get over yourself' and I try to cheer up but the kids are still very full on and I get very crampy with a bad period (sorry TMI) and I start to think it is maybe just the hormones that is making me grumpy.

Then last night some girlfriends come over and we talk about menopause and how that's the next thing for us to have to get ready for. And I tell them I'm crampy and grumpy and they tell me I've been through a lot lately and we all share about our lives and it's wonderful and female and restorative but still I think 'first world problems get over yourself you've got nothing at all to worry about'.

And then I get up in the night and pull a muscle or something in my hip so now my entire back right side lower back is sore and it keeps me awake and I'm worrying about getting old (and now I'm typing worrying that I am sounding very intense and wound up). And then at breakfast Mr D says he'll take all the boys to school and I'm thinking that I should go to the gym because that's what I do now, but then my hip is hurting and suddenly they've all left the house and I'm still in my pajamas so I get back into bed.

And then I remember someone on my last post mentioned Tara Brach's guided meditation podcasts and I think 'of course!' because I love Tara Brach - she is my guru but I only listen to her hour long talks, not her 20-minute guided meditations (of course because sitting in the quiet isn't something I do, the talks are active listening and that's why I like them).. so I pull a Tara guided meditation up on my iPad and start listening.

And I breath like she tells me to, I don't chant 'om' like she tells me to but I hear all the people on the recording with her chanting 'om' and that is lovely but then I start thinking about them and wondering about their lives and then I hear the recycling truck pouring bottles in around the neighborhood and I realise we forgot to put our rubbish out last night and then I start planning a trip to the dump this weekend, then I listen to Tara and try to quiet my mind but then I start planning some work stuff and it goes like this until I say out loud 'sorry Tara' and turn the meditation off with 4 mins and 58 seconds still to go.

And then I pick up my book because I'm still thinking this being in bed thing is a good thing, and I resume reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert and she is writing about trying to learn how to meditate while at an Ashram in India and she writes about her monkey brain and her fighting against her thoughts and ego and busy busy brain and the awful time she has every time she has to meditate and the fighting that goes on in her head and then suddenly she writes about an intense moment that occurs for her when all the chattering, negative thoughts in her mind scatter and a regal silence follows: "An intense, vibrating, awed silence."

And then I remember someone on our site saying they experience moments of pure joy when meditating.

And then I think this is what I am going to work on.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. I really loved this post.

  2. Sounds like a good plan. I've been thinking about meditation lately. The other day I caught myself explaining why it didn't work for me and it just sounded like I was making a lame excuse. But it sure is hard to settle into when you're feeling would up! Good luck with this one. Big hug to you! xo

  3. I hope you won't be offended when I say I laughed out loud at this post. You're like a crow looking for the mind's next shiny object... I love that you keep exploring. I love that you keep thinking as you go down this sobriety path. I'm telling you - go for a long, solitary walk in a beautiful setting...

  4. Lotta do you see meditation as self-care? That's how I make the time and space for it. It's not an AF drink or a cupcake but it's equally important to stopping my head blowing off!! :) xx

  5. My biggest issue when I began meditating was trying to "quiet my mind". The thing about meditating is that you don't have to "quiet your mind", you just have to observe your thoughts and not get carried away by them.

    I imagine myself, on a beach at dawn. I'm sitting cross-legged in the sand facing the ocean. I can hear the waves crashing in and out and as my thoughts come up, "Forgot to put the trash out." "I need a new pair of running shoes." "Why did my son say that?" I imagine them floating across the sky and out of site. If they are stubborn and refuse to go, I imagine a mini-me with a broom that sweeps them away and out of sight. By then...I'm on to the next thought.

    Don't try to hard. Just sit and be. Let the thoughts come. Then let them float on by untouched.

    Let me know if this works for did wonders for me.


  6. Forget the meditation - way too hard for the flea brain! Go for a walk instead. That way, you get the bonus of exercise (so no guilt about not going tho the gym), you mind gets to wander where it pleases (calming & de stressing in lieu of meditation) and you can eat guilt free because you've had a good walk, and last but not least you'll sleep well because you are not feeling guilty about all of the above! You get out into the fresh air, away from the sweaty gym, you can people watch or nature watch as you please, and best of all, it's free! You come home, sweaty and buzzing, satisfied that you've clocked up a few k's (doesn't have to be far) & somehow, all of your problems just don't seem quite so bad.

  7. That would have to be the most sensible one yet ! I agree the nature watch as you walk is calm to the soul. Solutude and time with out pressure crashing around you is caring fir your inner self.

  8. Thank you for being so honest that there are still restless frustrating days, with millions of to-do's and worries, even when everything is "officially" good. This really helped me today! And it made me laugh which always helps!

  9. haha - you make me laugh so much Mrs D. - I love Tara Brach as well - did you also look at the Itunes recommendation I made - they are short meditation clips - go to Itunes - search for meditation, go to podcasts and the ones I love are the australian ones. Good luck - it takes A LOT OF practise for meditation. I try when i go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning - great way to begin and end my days.

  10. This made me laugh!
    I sure can relate.
    I can't sit still except to read a book.
    I'm in the menopause stage.
    But I'm making it!
    Peace and Hugs,

  11. Ahhh. Thank you for keeping it real.

  12. Ahhh. Thank you for keeping it real.

  13. I love this post.
    Although I liked headspace, sometimes doing things at home is tough. Too many other things pull at us.

    Would you consider a yoga class? Something medatitibe-restorative yoga or yin? It can be a very useful way to get in touch with your breathing and your body. Going to a class allows you to give it your attention.

    It might be a good way to combine self care and meditation.


  14. yes,yes,yes.I think we are alike.I can't listen to Tara meditations during the day.Headspace ten minutes is enough and I struggle with that.I listen to Tara in bed because is shuts me up.My mind wanders ALL the time but she has taught me to gently bring it back.No growling just bring it back to the moment.I am not sporty or religious but I know now that exercise is what my body wants and mediation and Tara's message is like our religion in that it gives us peace.This combined with family,friends,soy candles,cooking,treats,etc is going to fill us up. That's what I reckon.

  15. ooh,forgot to add that I have started Pilates to add to walking and running ,hills etc.Terribly unco and can't get breathing and body movements co-ordinated to save myself.Great for weak core strength.

  16. I have just finished reading your book - today. I read it essentially as part of support for a family member who found it amazing - and has used it as her primary source of inspiration to go without alcohol. It's early days - but she is doing well - and we are VERY proud of her. Thank you for what you have done for her - and us, her family.

  17. Great post! I personally find meditation so incredibly relaxing, but like everything you have to get into the habit of doing it for a while and make it a part of your routine. Good luck!