Saturday, April 8, 2017

Then and now...

I used to fall into bed at around 10 or 11pm completely full up with wine. I couldn't tell you exactly what my mood was or what thoughts I was having because I'd be totally numbed out, blurred, disconnected from my thoughts and cut off from my emotions completely. No drama. Just me drunk.

I'd fall into a boozy sleep (is that good sleep? I'm not sure it is...) and stay that way until about 3am when I'd wake up to go to the toilet. I'd sit on the throne doing my business - my pounding head slumped forward, thoughts rushing at me like a freight train....

"Why did you drink so much wine yet again? Why did you open that second bottle? What the hell are you like? You promised you'd have an alcohol-free night. Why did you start and why did you keep going? Why did you eat four bits of toast at 10pm? Why? Why? Why?"

I'd finish my business and get back into bed - often swallowing a big gulp of water from the glass on my beside table and necking a couple of pain killers (conveniently left in the drawer, always). My bladder would be empty but my head still pounding and racing with unhappy, guilt-ridden thoughts. 

I'd lie awake for an hour or two...tossing and turning..alcohol insomnia I'd call it. I had it bad. Night after night I'd be awake from 3 until 5ish..

Eventually the painkillers might work enough that I'd get a little bit more (crappy) sleep only to be woken by the kids at the crack of dawn. I'd drag my body out of bed. Drink a big mug of instant coffee. Beat myself up. Shower. Feel like shit. Dress. Beat myself up. Get into the day beating myself up. Beating myself up. Beating myself up. Until the afternoon came, I convinced myself I didn't have a problem, and away I'd go again...

I usually climb into bed at around 9pm with a mug of chamomile tea. I decide whether to watch some TV or read one of the 10 books I have sitting beside my bed. Maybe I have cookbooks with me and am making a meal plan for the week ahead. A son might come and join me to watch 'Boarder Patrol' or "Storage Wars New York". I get up and down a few times to help put the older kids to bed, taking the time to snuggle them in and have a quick chat. 

At around 10.30pm I turn the light off. 

Eight and a half hours later I wake up, and think to myself "Holy shit that was a good sleep".

And then I get into my day only to do the same the next night and the next night.

And this is why I will never touch alcohol ever again.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. Brilliant,I can definitely relate to all of that,my 'now' nights are so calm & quiet now,the mornings are lovely.I'm now 3 months A-free!-
    Have a pampered spoilt weekend Mrs D,I surely will.

  2. What a difference sobriety makes. I have this new routine where I am in bed with the kids, around nine sometimes even 8 o'clock. Then I get up at 4:30 and write my ass off until I have to go about my day. so, I really appreciate this post!

  3. I have always loved before and after articles. Thank you, Mrs. D! I couldn't decide what I'd write for my ONE YEAR of sobriety blog, but I am going to do what you just did -- contrast the before and after of one day. And it is all thanks to your blog I stumbled across a little over a year ago.
    You totally rock!!!

    Finding a Sober Miracle

  4. Thank you, that was LOVELY to read! I'm delighted for you (and for everyone who manages to stop)

  5. Thank you again!!
    Although it's been 31 months, I have just been able to sleep better.
    I have had to see a sleep doctor because I had insomnia so badly.
    It's much better, so now I get more sleep now!
    But my drinking sleep was, sweaty, thirsty...YUCKY!!

  6. So good. That was me! Over and over and over. . . .2 months sober today. Your book was such a blessing. I don't know how I found it except my Higher Power. Today was a great reminder of exactly how I acted and felt during the alcohol insomnia, beating myself up until about 2 pm before deciding I was fine but probably need a drink to help me softly land from feeling so crappy from over indulging the night before. And the cycle would go again! So grateful to be sober 2 months. Keep writing. You are my favorite. 🙂

  7. My bed is no longer a sweat covered, sheet rumpled, mental torture chamber constantly replaying the negativity channel airing an endless loop of a shame and weakness. Now it's a warm, safe nest of contentment and comfort where I can be relaxed and proud of myself (albeit surrounded by expensive linens which was my first treat from the no wine fund!). I love bedtime and my new life!

  8. Taking rest is the foundation of all good things!

  9. Mrs D,this Easter this weekend is my 1st alcohol free Easter in over 20 years,(I'm 41),any quirky,vibrant tips to have a luxurious A-free Easter?

  10. I do not miss the not sleeping! Or any of it. I love waking up knowing I didn't do anything embarrassing or trying to remember what I did. Life is so much better now!

  11. That is me! Uncannily, exactly, just how my life has been going. And it's why I'm on my zillionth attempt to stop. I deserve better treatment from myself. Thank you for the reinforcement.

  12. I am still in process of being sober more often than drunk. The nights where I go to bed early with a book are the best. As I am climbing under the sheets I get a big goofy kid smile on me. You'd think knowing how that feels would be enough to keep me doing it every night instead of feeling so good after a week I imbibe for a couple of nights again.