Saturday, December 2, 2017

Sad pangs and fancy parties

I had a strange sad pang the other night. I was watching a movie on Netflix and in it there was a big party scene at what looked like a totally fun and amazing rooftop location in New York. It was all fairy lights and hip people and fancy cocktails and groovy music and people having just the best time ever (because that's how it always looks in these super stylised movie scenes), and I suddenly felt really sad that I'm never going to cut loose at a party ever again.

It was a total feeling of sadness. Poor sober me missing out on all those future fun times. Never again will I be throwing caution to the wind and drinking too many champagnes. Never again will I get that naughty twinkle in my eye along with others that I'm indulging and having fun with.

Never again will I numb out, switch off, blur the edges and party the night away.

This sad pang lasted for about two minutes (I flipped the script pretty quickly and reminded myself of all my truths) but it was real and I can remember the feeling even now 3 days later. It didn't totally knock me back and I never even for one nano-second thought about actually drinking any shit booze but the sad pang was there I have to be honest.

Then last night we went to an actual fancy party at a big fancy house. It was a formal cocktail event, invite only with a security guard on the gate checking names off and staff greeting us at the door (Mr D's got the invite through his work). There was a bar in the foyer serving fancy cocktails and then another bar through on the veranda where everyone was standing with non-stop cocktail making going on there as well. Plus waiters were walking around with bottles of bubbles and wine all night. Everyone was dressed up and I had a new frock on which made me feel good.

So it was formal but also quite a loose party with booze flowing, coloured lights and a DJ playing great tunes. The night was buzzing. I took control of my drinks right from the outset and asked for my fizzy water to be served in a champagne flute which was satisfying enough. Later I had a lemon, lime and bitters and finally a ginger beer.

It was interesting to see how the night felt given my sad pang earlier in the week. It actually went fine.

I didn't give a toss that others were boozing, didn't wish I was, didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable. I had nice chats with people, met some nice people, felt fine overall. It was never going to be a complete blinder for me because aside from Mr D I didn't have any loved ones there. No close friends, no family. Not my tribe.

We lasted 4 hours and by then people were starting to dance (which I wasn't really in the mood for) and get a little bit sloppier. Nothing terrible.. but I felt very sober and was ready to go home. My feet hurt a bit and I was all talked out. So Mr D and I said our goodbyes and left.

I drove home, took off my makeup, then slept for 8 hours straight. Woke up this morning with no hangover, no guilt and no sad pangs about my sober lifestyle.

I'm ok with being a non-drinker. I'm ok that I'll never cut loose at a party with booze in my blood. What I have gained in recovery more than makes up for any brief sad pangs that I might have in the future.  I love feeling grounded and connected with myself, my kids, my family and my true friends. I love trusting myself in every scenario. It's all good.

And roof top parties in New York are probably overrated anyway.

Love, Mrs D xxx

14 comments:

  1. I like your process. I think it’s good to notice the pangs. Moments of self pity can be powerful reminders of how sneaky our mind can be.
    And then reality shows you that those dramatic thoughts just aren’t true.

    I find it’s the first couple minutes of a big party where I feel a bit self conscious, but once I get acclimatized to the room I relax and find my bearings.

    It’s always great to look back and know what happened the night before.

    Anne

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love it, don't we just know what would have happened to us on a rooftop in New York? We're talking ambulance and ER ... good for you Mrs D. xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh my Mrs. D..... as I head into almost one year without drinking every once in a while a thought comes over me - a sort of "wishing I could have just one" feeling... and now I know what it is - a pang!!! :) I love it that you are out there helping me along my sober path!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am so glad you posted this! After 3 years, I still get these sad pains once in while, but as Anne said, they go away fast now, once I get comfortable at the party!
    xo
    Wendy

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sadness can come in waves, we must ride them out. It's the ebb and flow of life. <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. I can relate to you so much. My husband sometimes says that what I will do at the party just because I don’t drink. I went to a party with him in one of the LA venues and trust me it’s really not important to have booze to enjoy the party. I was fine and I didn’t need one.

    ReplyDelete