Sitting at the public library with the sun on my back, typing on the laptop listening to some students giggling down the other end of the room. Two hours to myself until I have to pick up the boys and go to swimming lessons.
The escalators are humming and there's a man in a suit sitting next to me reading over a contract.
I've just spent half an hour looking up recipes for the new faddy-food-thingy that I'm doing - 30 days with no wheat, no dairy, no sugar, no legumes. Actually I shouldn't dismiss it as faddy, it's an awesome programme called the Whole30, they've totally seduced me with their website, I've paid (not much) to receive a newsletter every day that I am on this programme and have even posted a wee comment on their forum. And I tweeted them and they tweeted me back! That was exciting.
Day 3 and I feel good already. Was going to start next Monday but I couldn't wait! Really jazzed about getting on top of my dysfunctional food habits. My 'I'm stressed so I can sugar/carb binge' thought processes so mirror my 'I'm stressed/bored/happy/sad/whatever so I can drink wine' thought processes.
I had a breakthrough about this while at my lovely soberversary Mexican dinner with my sisters (drinking a delicious Virgin Mojito no less). I was explaining to them about the Addictive Voice Recognition Technique that I used early on when I was first trying to give up wine (I didn't know I was doing it but a clever commenter told me I was after I posted about how I was trying to beat cravings. I had to Google what it was to find out more).
Anyway after Friday night I had a thought; that voice in my head telling me to eat crap isn't something I have to listen to, and maybe there's a way that I can shut that bloody voice up and not reach for foods that are going to make me feel sluggish or guilty. I'll have to let you know if I can control this one the same as I have alcohol. My solution with alcohol = take it away completely. Food you can't do that with and moderation has never been my strong point.
I'm sure it's got to do with my addictive personality (what is that?) or the reward pathways in my brain (what are those?) or something, it's certainly got a whole lot to do with my eternal quest to be the happiest, most healthy, non-dysfunctional, smooth, calm and contented person that I can possibly be.
Bloody hell...why can't I just chill the fuck out and bodge around and not worry about all this shit??!! Ah.. coz that's what I used to do and it didn't make me happy. The alcohol stopped making me happy. I know lately my food has stopped making me happy. And for some reason my brain keeps propelling me forward on this eternal quest.
I tell you what is making me happy right now.. the sun on my back ... it's so warm and lovely....
I will not go to the library café for a piece of slice. I will not. Maybe they've got containers of fruit salad... or cashew nuts! I'm allowed to snack on those....
Love, Mrs D xxx