Lots of lovely concerned comments and messages! Thanks everyone. I am getting better.
I've had a very lovely restful week and my health is improving. I've taken steps towards 'unplugging' and have a new rule to not take the iPad into the bedroom at night. So I won't be checking on the Living Sober website last thing at night or first thing in the morning any more (or at least I will but in the study or living room before I go to bed or after I get up). This is a good little shift for me.
I still have to check the website regularly because our Members Feed area is constantly updating and I like to stay abreast of what people are saying - and I love it! It's my job, one I am very happy and proud to have. Actually I'm bloody lucky that my personal interest (sobriety) is now my job. But I do think some clearer lines between on duty/off duty would be good and hence my bedroom is now a no-go zone for work. Hooray!
I was watching Dr Phil yesterday (because I love him) and he was interviewing an addicted girl and her parents. Lots of fighting and awfulness but Dr Phil was strong and feisty with all parties and of course ended the show by offering to get her back into treatment (I assume the show pays?) so the hope is always there. He said at one point 'The reason I agreed to have you back on the show is because I believe we should NEVER surrender to this disease". The 'disease' being one of addiction I presume.
Love that man.
He finished up by asking the girl (daughter) if she wanted to go back into treatment and she said in a semi-lacklustre fashion (because the poor thing was in a pretty miserable state) "yes that's why I'm here". He nodded and then he summarised the four 'stages of motivation' people can be at when they enter into recovery. I'll try and remember what he said and will hopefully get this right...
Stage 1: You are ordered into treatment by the court
Stage 2: You agree to go into treatment because your family are desperate for you to/to please other people
Stage 3: You go into treatment because your head tells you it's the right thing to do
Stage 4: You go into treatment because you absolutely do not want to live this way any more and you will do anything, no matter how hard it is, to get well again (he said this last bit really forcefully hence my underlining).
Made me think about my recovery. I think on September 6, 2011 my motivation was at Stage 4. Maybe this is why I have never relapsed. I was FULL SCALE motivated and determined to not live in the stuck & miserable position I had been in for so many years with my drinking.
When I made the decision to never drink again I thought to myself; "I don't care if people give me shit. I don't care if I feel miserable about this sometimes. I don't care if I feel boring or left out sometimes. I don't care if other people judge me for not drinking. I don't care if I have to go to bed time and again feeling like a boring sober loser. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I just want this to change. I absolutely do not want to live this way any more and I will do anything, no matter how hard it is, to get well again.
And I have done.
Love, Mrs D xxx