There was a little bit of formality. The book-store owner rang a wee bell and then stood behind the counter and said a few words about me which were very kind and then I had to do a bit of a 'talk'. I'd been thinking for the past few weeks how I was going to run through the story of this blog and how it turned into a book etc.. but then on Tuesday I decided to just start by being raw and honest.
Truth is I've had quite a vulnerable week.. still eating really badly which awakens the awful dysfunctional feelings in my brain and reminds me of the awful dysfunctional feelings I had when I was boozing so heavily. The kind of 'you're shit, you're not in control' feelings. Question: Why did I abuse my body with alcohol and why do I now sometimes do it with food? Answer: Coz it tastes sooooooo good…..! But anyway I've been allowing myself to eat crap and it's been making me feel a bit low..
Then I'd spoken on The Bubble Hour about loving the feeling of booze in my body, and some people commented on my blog about loving that feeling too.. and I could feel some familiar sad longings inside myself regarding alcohol (the bloody monster inside me - my internal addict - moaning a bit in her sleep). Then my lovely fellow blogger Thirsty Still wrote a powerful post that I found quite challenging about that familiar lovely buzz of booze.. and Mr D's about to go away for 5 weeks.....
Basically a bunch of things have led to me feeling a bit shitty and vulnerable emotionally. I could feel that as the week went on..have had the odd teary episode.. and so I decided to be all honest with the group gathered in the book store and tell them.
I told them that I'd been feeling vulnerable.. (tried not to cry) .. I told them that I'd been aware of a vague familiar longing inside myself recently which I identify as being my inner addict/alcoholic stirring in her sleep.. and then I told them how I'd worked to counteract those feelings.
How I'd written a post about how amazing it is to be feeling like there's a sober revolution taking place around me, how I'd visited lots of other blogs and left comments for people, how I'd reached out to The Fix to ask if they wanted another article from me, how I'd started planning what I was going to say at the Book Store, how I'd been to a meeting about the new website, how I'd posted some articles on my Facebook page, how I'd replied to many emails.
How I'd worked hard to stay on top of my thoughts.. and get myself through.. because there was no way I was going to indulge that sad longing. That sad longing can bugger off!
That's why I do all this. That's the bottom line. It's not about book sales or publicity or showing off. It's because I'm an alcoholic and externalizing my internal struggle keeps me sober. I knew that the minute I wrote my first post, and I know that still today.
And I know this vulnerable phase will pass. I know that I'm going to get on top of my eating GODDAMMIT! And I know that I'm going to stay sober. It's just an on-going, robust process, that's all.
But then again… isn't that just a description of life? Life is an on-going, robust process. One I choose to go through sober.
Love, Mrs D xxx