I think I must be tired and run down because I just got hit with this wave of irrational sadness that I will never drink alcohol ever again and that I was somehow missing out on something special that everyone else was doing.
I mean what FUCKING BULLSHIT IS THAT???
Stupid fucking mind trying to play woe-is-me tricks on me, suck me back down into a place of deluded bollocks where bending my brain with a liquid drug is an attractive proposition.
Bloody stupid bollocksy thoughts can piss off.
I am not going to entertain them for one second. I am not going to allow my tired brain to lead me down that romantic (bullshit) thinking path where I visualise alcohol as a positive influence on my life.
I have just been interrupted writing this post by two boys wearing masks and capes pointing plastic guns at me and telling me to put my hands up.
What bullshit part of my brain thinks that altering my state of consciousness with alcohol is going to benefit me or anyone in my family?
I could probably analyse why these bullshit thoughts have hit me today, there are 2 - 3 reasons that make it pretty obvious to me, but I'm not going to do that. I don't care why. I just want them gone.
This is why I just abruptly stopped folding washing to jump on the computer and bash out this angry post.
Because this is what this blog is for. For me to work my grey matter to fight my bullshit thinking that might try to ever tempt me back to that bullshit booze.
I feel better already. Nothing like a few swearwords (bullshit, fucking, bollocks) to help get my mojo back.
Now I will go finish folding the washing. Then I will put it all away in the correct drawers. Then I will put clean sheets on my bed. Then I will put my pyjamas on. Then I will boil the jug and make a delicious cup of chamomile tea. Then I will climb into bed and watch the final of a fantastically trashy Reality TV programme and then finally I will sleep the blissful sleep that only a sober person can sleep.
And tomorrow those bullshit thoughts will be gone.
Love, Mrs D xxx
And you will wake up feeling fantastic with no guilty feelings or regret. You are %100 F*#%ING correct! :D x
ReplyDeleteHugs
ReplyDeleteMay e consider that an inner please for some extra self love and compassion. Perhaps you need a small break to recharge. It is hard to be a spokesperson/public face of recovery as this truly is a lifelong journey and external expectations end up being put on you. That's good and bad.
So take care of yourself. So something gentle. Have a nap.
Your heart will thank you.
Ps-there's no failure in having cravings or sad thoughts about what was. That's is normal. If we didn't feel like that addiction wouldn't be the problem that it is.
Anne
There is nothing like an OBSCENELY long string of expletives to make one feel better. Those feelings should be properly shamed and will PISS OFF if they know what's good for them.
ReplyDeleteMust go check out this lottery witchcraft deal posted above as it looks pretty legit!
Fuck you're amazing!! What a timely post this is for me. Things are rather triggery for me today and yesterday. Mainly that whole one year thing. But also certain conversations and company. Then thoughts today of "well I've done a flipping year, so what if I make a serious rule with myself that I can now drink on Saturday nights only" And if there are events during the week or Sundays or whatever just No Exceptions, ever, or I have to give up again." What a load of utter shit! Who do I think I'm kidding, myself or me? What about all the mental anticipation going on all week, then remorseful and unproductive Sundays? I'm off out to dinner now with the sober crew and if any such ideas are launched I shall loudly say "BULLSHIT". Absolute fucking Bullshit!!
ReplyDeleteArghhhh! Just wrote three posts but it seems none of them worked. This is a test post!
ReplyDeleteOkee dokee!
ReplyDeleteFirstly: THANKYOU MRS D!
Do whatever you need to do to keep on keeping ON!
Curse, screech, swear, gnash, blaspheme, rail, moan WHATEVER but keep on being that shining bastion! No pressure :) but if our lodestar were to dim or drink - a ripple effect of international catastrophic proportions would ensue.
Hello, I'm a 'lurker' (just found out that's what I am!) and this is my very first post (except for the 3 that didn't work and the test one above).
TODAY IS DAY 11 FOR ME! TA DA!
It's a personal best and I'm amazed. I just read your book - love the writing.
Especially the take-no-prisoners-raw-in-your-bloody-face style that you have!
Anyway - I don't want to gush too much, just really want to say THANKYOU! as I embark on this 'journey' (shudder-how-I-loathe-that-word) :)
Will look forward to reading your posts on the LS site! Congrats on your 13 days sober! Bloody awesome. I was a former 'lurker' too. Once you get into it you'll love it. The folks at LS are honest, kind and so knowing on so many life levels. It's a daily inspiration. All good things to you on your sober life life journey!
DeleteThankyou and hooray! Thanks for writing back to me! I just became a member on the LS site and am looking forward to writing and reading more!
Deleteah ha that magical thinking which imbues the equally mythical 'one glass of wine' with all its sparkle... after maybe thirty years (less in your case maybe?!) of believing in that magic, I now don't need it anymore. and neither do you! I completely agree on the mist-dispelling powers of a string of curse words.
ReplyDeleteyou are the one who taught me that when we stop trying to change how we feel with alcohol, we find other ways to change how we feel which WORK BETTER - self care, communication with others, meditation, exercise, whatever.
for me that logic wins hands down over any false sparkles. thank you as ever and keep blowing away the bullshit! Prim xx
Well done you. Just what I needed to hear this am. On my way home after lovely long weekend with kids and grands, spent last night in fancy hotel with free wine bar, etc. felt really crap and irritated about everything! So many times I've smoothed over boredom or annoyance with booze. Thank you for good reminders Mrs. D.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU FOR THIS. LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU. And I love cursing. And I am so glad you vented and didn't cave in to those horrible thoughts. F U alcohol, you lying shit!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post! Starting Day 3 here and lamenting all the little things sobriety will take from me (red wine with cheese, red wine with a good movie, red wine out with friends, Moet at Christmas, shots on the beach in Mexico). Then I remember the hangovers, not quite remembering much about the movie we saw, eating too much cheese, not focusing on the sweet moments of life at Christmas, and losing my $100 sunglasses on that beach. Red wine....you are a stupid ass.
ReplyDeleteI was hoping you were gonna get on your own cape and mask and run around the house with the lads? Next time maybe? Yeah, for sure, better get your 'outfit ready' Lotta! It will be a day that your kids and husband will never forget. Have some fun hon. Let the 'kid' out to play now and then. You work so hard - I know this. For us on the LS site. At your blogs. For your family. For your husband. You are the glue for sure. But you are up to it. Just give your permission to be frivolous from time to time. I reckon a big fancy fairy outfit, with a mask and a gun on your hip too? But you'll know what to choose! You could make dinner in that outfit too! Yip booze is total bullshit. Romanticised by advertising and boozy booze hag wine snobs who think they are more special than the next person.....they aren't - cos we are all equally special in our own unique way. And you know this too. Loving the Grace and Gratitude meditations from Deepak and Oprah too. Every day is a good one!
ReplyDeleteThanks Mrs D! Brilliant post and also reminded me what my blog was for and to get back to it. stat. Love your cursing. Must remember the swears for bad days..
ReplyDeleteDear Mrs. D,
ReplyDeleteOn Sunday I felt sad all day. It was because I didn't have enough sleep for 3 days.
It's not a good place to be.
I hope you got rest!
xo
Wendy
You bash them out Mrs D.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason this weekend I had a couple of ... it isn't fair ... thoughts.
Now I never really drank for the taste, only the effect. So the first is just plain dumb. My daughter and wife bought some new flavoured ciders to have with our al fresco meal in the garden. But I can still drink fizzy fruit drinks for a similar taste! The second one really hit me. Guinness - which was my main poison of choice for most of my drinking years - are introducing a new "ale" - so not like stout at all. But again I really felt cheated and that I was missing out.
But... this shit is poison to me - I drink I will fuck up and die in a lonely horrible way of that I'm sure. So just cos there is a new fragrance of toilet cleaner out I don't have to try that... let alone drink it and to consider drinking alcohol is in the same vein to me.
Chiming in to say fuck those thoughts!!! And to add that I am having them too - the fucking assholes. Glad to hear your fighting words - They sound very similar to mine! *smile* (Fuck, Shit, Fucker!)
ReplyDeleteIf you ever want to relapse, I'm here for you - we could go out for some drinks - Fast forward: we're in a noisy crowded bar quaffing back red wine. You're drunk but you don't care, you feel alive. Fast forward: you're in the toilet crying and puking, the world is spinning and you're wondering what you've done. Fast forward, the next day: your children want to know why mummy's still in bed at 1pm... is she sick? Your husband brings you a cup of tea and looks at you with a mix of pity and knowingness. We're back to where we were, he's thinking. I knew this sobriety thing would have to end sooner or later.
ReplyDeleteYou want to crawl up into a ball and die.... you've let yourself and everyone else down, flushed your sobriety down the toilet.
The whole thing has been a big scam, a masquerade, how can you possibly face people again after this? This is going to be the mother of all rebuilding jobs... or, you could just hide away with your old friend and forget about everything else. This is who we truly are afterall, drinkers whose existence is defined by alcohol. And this whole sobriety thing is just a blip. A strange and deluded temporary state of undrunkeness.
(My advice: let's not make sobriety a blip).
Hi Mrs D,
ReplyDeleteSunday afternoons can do that to you. You get some space and a little time for reflection and before you know it you're putting together a list. A shit list. Bin it and back to the breath.
thanks,
bren
Todays mantra "Bloody stupid bollocksy thoughts can piss off"
ReplyDeleteDay 50. I don't want to drink and I won't but I am not happy about it or ... well anything. My brain is throwing a pity party over here. Bloody stupid bollocksy thoughts can piss off! I like it.
Lisa
Awesome post! Fuck alcohol! And yay for kids in capes!
ReplyDeleteThat is so true-to-life that you couldn't end your post by heading off to the spa or a yoga class, no. Life doesn't stop for boozey cravings, the mundane house chores and screaming kids in all their glory. And instead of drinking you got right back to it. Which is way more glamorous than hitting the bottle and hiding.
Thank you for your blog! I just started mine today. Day 3 sobriety.