I was in a meeting yesterday and someone was saying how the word 'sober' has all these negative connotations, that the word points to things being boring or staid or flat or dull or whatever…I've had other friends say that to me in the past as well.
I just had to pipe up in this meeting and say "for me, to be honest, I actually love the word because it sums up my entire state of being nowadays. I am sober. I live sober. Sober is the perfect summation of my life and it's far from being a bad thing.
"It's a sparkly word to me" I said. And I really mean that.
Living sober like I do now feels so unbelievably treaty and special and precious. I love it! I honestly love being sober. I'm not making that up to sound positive.. or trying to convince people of anything. I just honestly think being sober is cool and if anyone wants to think otherwise I don't care. I just know what my genuine response is to being sober and inside of me it's overwhelmingly positive.
I do know lots of my fellow sober-ites here in the sober-sphere agree. And interestingly in all the feedback I've gotten recently to the TV story no-one has said to me 'man you're a boring dick-head'. And if people think that privately I don't give a toss. It's just completely unimportant to me. It's my relationship with myself that matters and I dig being sober - a lot.
HOWEVER… when I first took the booze away my brain was not feeling so sparkly and all of my thoughts were telling me otherwise. I had to fight off so many freaked-out thoughts of being BORING for the rest of my life.. of MISSING OUT ON THE PARTY forever more.. of BEING DEPRIVED of fun and enjoyment.
Those thoughts were lies.. complete lies.. they were the addicted part of my brain trying to convince me to keep taking the drug of alcohol. That part of my brain was a monster and very powerful.. but what I now know is IF YOU STARVE THE MONSTER IT WILL DIE.
It's fucking hard at first.. when you first take the booze away.. because your own brain and your own thoughts will work damn hard to convince you to keep drinking. You have to fight, fight, fight to resist the urges. They'll come hard out for 2-3 months and taper off but continue for up to a year (this is my experience anyway and in no way scientific!). Little evil thoughts will pop in when you're tired or shitty or emotional or there's a party on or a celebration or any damn-thing that life throws at us. And you'll have to stay very focussed on the image of yourself as a happy sober person that you want to be.. keep on keep on keep on and you will become that person. The monster will die…
But I'll never forget my monster. I don't trust her. She might rise up again. And so I will be living in my sparkling sober world forever more.
Love, Mrs D xxx