I was talking to my sister on the phone yesterday and we were laughing about how I used to be very scornful and resistant about doing any inner (dare I say spiritual?) work on myself. "I'm not a naval gazer" was my oft-repeated line back in the day when I was a boozy boozer completely cut off from myself.
We were laughing because my how times have changed!
I'd just been telling her how I'd signed up to do a month-long meditation challenge, and was back listening to Tara Brach again and all sorts of other stuff (I chart exactly what inner - dare I say spiritual? - work I am doing in my Mrs D Is Going Within blog.)
And the reason I'm doing all of this stuff is because IT WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Life has been a bit gritty for me lately for one reason and another (and another and another) - I've been doing it tough. And a big part of the problem was that while dealing with some gritty things I'd forgotten about the big picture. I'd forgotten to put myself in perspective. I'd forgotten to wonder at the miracle that is my life. I'd slipped from trying to live mindfully. I'd stopped regularly reminding myself to ground myself in the moment throughout the day. I'd forgotten that I am not my thoughts and that my thoughts are not facts. I had forgotten that I am more than the sum of events that occur for me or the interactions I have with people.
When I do remember to pull back from this narrow sense of self I am reminded that my existence is a miracle and this world is a miracle and this life is fleeting and that love and goodness and kindness are real and true and things that exist for me every day.
I am not my dirty kitchen floors and I am not my tears and I am not my concerns for the future and I am not my regrets about the past and I am not my unmet deadline and I am not my insecurities and I am not my sadness and I am not my extra 4kg of body weight that I would love to lose.
Those things are real.. but they do not make me who I am.
I am a pair of lungs that breaths in, and out, and in, and out, and in, and out, and in. I am a person with flaws and beauties and struggles and triumphs. Right now I am a person sitting sideways on a kitchen chair with my legs crossed, my left forearm resting on the table and my fingers flying over a keyboard. I am a pair of lungs breathing in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out.
And when I remember to take this mental 'step back' and look at the big picture and ground myself and feel my breath and put myself in perspective (one of a million billion miraculous organism existing on this planet), I wonder at the world, I relax about my place in it, and I feel calm.
This post title asks 'who have I become?' I can answer this now. I am a naval gazer extraordinaire!!!!!!!!! And I love it.
Love, Mrs D xxx