So I think I'm starting to understand what this six month slump thing is all about. I'm not going to call it depression because for me that would be ridiculous, I'm certainly not depressed but have a melancholy sadness inside with regards to my new sober life.
I've been trying to observe it in a detached way and analyse how I am feeling, because, you know, I'm self obsessed and introspective and this is a blog about ME ME ME ha! So here goes...
Firstly I think the novelty has completely and utterly worn off. The alcohol has not passed my lips for six months, hangovers are a distant memory, I'm used to sleeping well and I can barely remember all the emotional energy I used to waste beating myself up for over-indulging.
So the joy and happiness and self-congratulatory air I had floating around me has drifted off and I"m left with just the reality of being stone-cold sober all the time.
And I'm beginning to accept and adjust to the fact that that I am a changed woman. Not completely, obviously. I'm still a lot of things I was before but I'm not some of the other things. Most of these changes are subtle and not always visible from the outside but I have to accept that they may be picked up on occasion. 'Mr and Mrs D are coming to the party .. you know she doesn't drink any more eh' (said with a disappointed air).
If I'm really honest I think I'm struggling with that because I used to think that sober people were boring (on the occasions when I was boozing). Truth is I used to think non-drinkers were geeks and losers. And now I'm one of them. Geeky Mrs D.
So this is an adjustment. And adjusting I am. One sober day at a time.
But I have decided that I am going to the hens party this weekend. I'm going because I love my friend who is getting married and I want to meet some of her old friends before the wedding. And her mother and mother-in-law will also be there and I bet there'll be more than just me not boozing. So I'll go, but I'll go accepting that I am a more low-key version of the woman I used to be and that's just a fact.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Seriously Mrs. D- Quit taking the words out of my brain! I have realized one thing and one thing only with certainty in the 56 days I have been straight, and that is I cant be certain of any part of this process. I'll try to make sense of that... I was really hopped up the first month, look at me, look at me I am Sober, Im proud to be an alcoholic (yes I actually said that). Then I spend two weeks mad. Mad at my self, mad at everyone who was still allowed to drink, mad at the world for making it so accessible and acceptable. Now I am just bored. LOL- I am sober ALL the time now. Its ridiculous that this is how people who never picked up a drink just 'are' and we now know the difference, how annoying. Anyway, don't mean to ramble here, you are 6 months in and I couldn't be more proud of you when I read each post. You are actually the first I ever read, you are the one who inspired me to start my own. You and you only. I hear you, everything you are saying!
ReplyDeleteOh, and would you mind telling me how you got those tabs at the top of your page? Who am I?... My techniques.... That would be great, I really like that.
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ReplyDeleteI now realise that when I was doing my public drinking all the sober people were thinking I was just a drunken idiot.
ReplyDeleteNow when I see people getting hammered or hear about their exploits I just think 'Oh, dear, how sad.'
Really, you will be able to enjoy partying again when you find your way.
I am worried about the cocktail lessons though.
thenoiseandhaste here: i so identify with your slump. I have to say, in this one regard especially, A.A. has been helpful. Or, maybe not so much A.A. as an organization as the things that come along with A.A -- specifically, having a sponsor. Someone to really, really talk to about how all of this feels. Because, try as they might and patient as they are, my "normal" friends just don't get it. None of them really thinks I'm an alcoholic. (That designation is reserved for people drinking from paper bags under bridges...) Deep down, they all think I'm pathologizing myself unnecessarily -- they say, after all, see how easy it was for you to quit? ... This is not to say I think that you need A.A. I just wish you had someone you really, really talk with face to face. I honestly don't know what I would do without my sponsor Carrots. My blog will never be enough to combat the loneliness and self-doubt that go hand in hand with introspection and sobriety.
ReplyDeleteI am so grateful you are here. I am only at 50 days of sobriety, and I have much to learn, but one of the reasons I am so thankful for you is that I never have anyone to stand with at these parties and get-togethers anymore. the only social place I really feel safe and accepted is at an AA meeting and who wants to spend every friday and saturday night doing nothing but those for the rest of infinity? (no offense to my friday and saturday night meetings. I love you. just need some variety) not that you have to be sober for me. of course, you do not. but it makes me feel so glad at the thought that i won't be the only one sober at that dinner party or music-outing. there will be somebody else out there who will get on the dance floor, or crack a really wicked comment, and ease the road a bit for me. you do this for me every time you post. thank you!
ReplyDeleteYou really need to get out of my head Mrs. D...it's really not safe there most of the time.
ReplyDeleteI can remember feeling exactly this same way. I love how you said the "novelty" has worn off. That's it exactly. I called it the honeymoon period for me. All of a sudden the accolades from friends and family had stopped or had slowed down drastically and I was left with...sobriety. And all of the totally sober people I ever knew were boring old sots. And I really did not want to be them!
But what was most important was that I didn't want to be drunken me anymore either. And that part was stronger than the other so it won.
You are an inspiration and I love reading your blog. And since I've been reading it I can honestly say that "geeky" is not a word that comes to mind when I think of you.
Have fun with the hens!
I can relate to your not wanting to be looked upon as one of those non-drinkers. I felt the same way, more when I was contemplating quitting than after I quit. But I have to make a distinction between someone who doesn't drink and someone like us who drank, it started f'ing up our lives and we chose to quit because WE and THEY are two different species. There are those who are smug and don't "get it" with all of this drinking nonsense. We don't become that person. We just don't have that DNA. We DO get it. So we don't drink anymore. We have a certain street cred, a badassery. We're not square. Our not drinking only bothers those whose own drinking themselves. Really.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your hen party Mrs. D. and know that by being the cool, together woman that you are, that are showing another alcoholic woman tortured by her own drinking that there's a better, more beautiful way.
Sobriety plays out so differently for people that its difficult to say, "Mrs. D., this is what you should be mindful of or look out for in recovery." However, your six month slump is common. Most everyone I have come to meet in recovery has experienced that same thing. Where they wake up one day and think, "Is this IT? Now what?"
ReplyDeleteI'm an alcoholic. Which, for the record, is a different animal than a problem drinker. Sobriety, for me, is about addressing issues far deeper than putting down the bottle. I took my last foray into recovery as an opportunity to completely change who I was; including who I associated with and what I did for a living. For me, the old life wasn't working anymore. So, I was very, very busy in the first few years reinventing Kristin. But I, too, experienced that slump that you write of. In short, you are not alone.
When I got into recovery this last time, people told me all I had to do was change one thing...and that's EVERYTHING. I never had a six month slump. At six months, I was still pissed off at everybody, and had only scratched the surface of my spiritual recovery. Abstinence was the first hurdle, but active recovery is a whole 'nother ballgame! That's where I had to address the reasons that inclined me to drink.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't about how much or how often I drank. It was all about why I drank. What I felt caused me to drown my consciousness. Also, I had no desire to go out on the town and show people how much fun I was having without alcohol. I was NOT having fun without alcohol! That took awhile for me to embrace. Congrats Mrs D
The self-consciousness of early sobriety will wear off --in my experience, I was overly preoccupied with what others thought of me because so much effort went into controlling their perceptions of my drinking.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your party! Most social drinkers don't drink very much and don't rely on alcohol to have a fun time. Those who do rely on alcohol to have a fun time are often the sloppy, messy drinkers who overdo it, spoil it for others.
The fear of disapproval often lies behind being disappointed somebody no longer drinks. As well as envy -- how does she just relax and have fun without several glasses of wine? What others think of us needn't dictate how we live and our lifestyle choices.
Who knows, you might just go to the hens party and become energized by all those lovely women there. Your tiny itsy bitsy smile will grow larger and LARGER as the evening proceeds and you'll be all relaxed, laughing and chatting the night away ;-)
ReplyDeleteThe part about when the novelty has worn off... that is my whole issue I think - with my relapses and so. I mean, by the time I'm six months sober my alcoholic brain has repressed or almost erased all memories of the hardship when drinking, the hell one goes through when being enslaved by alcohol.
I should become one of those insane folks who tears the apartment down and starts scribbling all over the walls! Repeatedly writing "REMEMBER TO REMAIN SOBER!" or "REMEMBER DRINKING IS HELL, IT'S SHIT, IT STINKS LIKE DONKEY'S ARSE!" Just lots of scribbles and reminders all over the walls, for me to read when I sit there beginning to pretend it is alright to have a lil' drink again.
Maaaan... the alcoholic mind is so freakin' stupid hahaa
Thank you so much for sharing your honesty! You are sort of leading the way on your own journey on Sobriety Road. I read and remember and remain aware. Big hug to you mrs D!
Ms. D I admire your honesty and agree with many things you are feeling/experiencing...you are not alone!
ReplyDeleteCan I join the pity party? I just spent 2 days at the Mayan ruins of Chichen Itza. It should have been a time of spirituality and mysticism, instead I was jealous of DH and our friends who were partying. I was even a little jealous of their hangovers. I try so hard to be just as much "fun" as ever but I can't fake that level of nonsense that comes with drinking. I hope I'm just tired tonight, I hope the bloom isn't entirely off the rose.
ReplyDeleteConngrats on 6 months. HUGS
ReplyDeleteI am 48 and drank until 36, but never had that non-boring air lol. I drink now if I feel like it but I don't usually. Because I never got drinking, love the taste of course, or spirits in particular. But yeah, last time I was in a happy mood, had a wine and got depressed, got really mad about that.
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