Wednesday, February 1, 2012

A confession..

This is stupid actually, I don't know what I'm doing.  But I'm having the occasional cigarette.  Why? Why? Why? There's no benefit, no fun woozy boozy feeling, in fact sometimes it actually gives me a nervy tummy and makes me feel a little insecure for a time, but I keep doing it.

Just went away for the weekend with friends and the bloke in the couple is a smoker and I found myself sharing ciggies with him all the time.  Then in the evening Mr D would have a few too while drinking.  It's kind of flash back to our boozy faggy days from our youth (except our 'youth' lasted through till mid 30s and is still lingering a bit now).

Aside from the fact that a packet of cigarettes is so friggin expensive, it's just dumb!  Dumb, dumb, dumb. Must stop.

That smoking bloke also asked me on the weekend if I was resentful of others drinking.  Interesting question.  I said no, that it was more a 'woe is me' feeling toward myself rather than a resentful feeling towards others.

To be honest (although I didn't say this to him) I still have the feeling when others are drinking (especially when they're really hitting it) that they can't see as clearly as I now do what a crutch and a fallacy alcohol is.  That's the super-clever part of me coming out.

And again I'm left with that dichotomy.  The proud me feeling oh-so-clever and enlightened and the sorry for myself me feeling just like a loser addict.

Aaarrrgghhh too much analysis and introspection!

Off on a plane this weekend to a wedding - child free!  It will be a very very very boozy affair and that's fine by me.  I will confess though, I will have a packet of fags tucked away in my handbag.  Then that's it, no more ciggies after that, I promise.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. I so get that! Okay, so I don't smoke but I definitely have replacement addictions (oh, like buckets of chocolate every night) that I just haven't been able to drop. Chocolate may sound absurd but of course I like the "good" chocolate. Artisan, organic, exotic... expensive! Funny, just like my wine. So often, I justified my drinking because it wasn't just alcohol ~ it was fancy schmantzy sulfite free organic biodynamic harvested by the full moon wine. Oh, please.

    Anyway, I get away with the chocolate because my other addiction is running marathons. :-) Will we ever know moderation?

    Wishing you the best with tossing the cigs for good!

  2. Same here in regards to the cigs. After a few puffs the stench of smoke overwhelms me and I toss the cig away. So what's the point? I tell myself I won't bother lighting up again. Inevitable I end up lighting another one only to throw it out. It's madness.

  3. This is your addiction trying to hook you through a back door Mrs D. I gave up a very heavy smoking addiction nearly 20 years ago. I used to joke about having an addictive personality and replacing smoking with drinking (just like my Dad).

    All the AA meetings I go to have a smoking break and most of the meeting disappears outside during it. The Al-anon meeting doesn't have a smoking break and no-one legs out after the meeting for a fag.

    My experience with smoking is that it is the 'camaraderie' associated with it that I miss. The feeling of isolation and exclusion when everyone disappears to smoke.

    I get this sense from your post. Getting all cosy with this chap over the ciggies.

    I went out once to join the smokers, feeling alone in the room. The smoke made me feel sick and I also realised that the passive smoking would send me straight back to nicotine addiction. It was also freezing cold and no fun at all. I preferred the isolation. But I think you are a more gregarious person.

    It is all illusion Mrs D. And it will end up with drinking again. Or feeling just as bad about smoking as you used to do about drinking. Smoking isn't considered cool or smart here in the sort of circles I think you move in in NZ.

    Chocolate and sweet stuff is good, or cheese. They are all a bit addictive as well but not nearly as harmful or dangerous long term as nicotine. And you don't have to leave the room.

    All these value judgements you attach to others drinking and your own abstinence are just illusions. You don't drink, others do. That is all there is. Alcohol may have been a crutch and a fallacy for you. It isn't for normal people, and people who are on the way to alcoholism do not see it that way yet.

    They are not your problem.

  4. The cigs I would consider normal. There's always a part of me that wants some kind of rebellion! It will pass in time. I use the opportunity to observe others when they are drinking as educational. To know what I looked and acted like, and to remind myself of why I don't want to go there again! My first sober wedding my hubby was out of town. I was nervous, but ended up having a great time, even danced sober (omg) but I also left when the volume of voices in the room went up. It was time for this ex party girl to take leave. Love your write!

  5. I really enjoy reading your blog. Honest expressions of life! Don't beat yourself up too much. It is good that you have expressed that you don't want this to be a part of your life. Being sober brings us to living a healthier lifestyle. Balance. And part of balancing it all is treating ourselves with respect.

  6. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! I am a total "secret smoker"! When i go on vacation I smoke 1-2 fags a day (is it OK if I call them that even though I am American? I love it so!) When I am home, I keep a secret pack and smoke 1-2 a week. I hide it from my younger two kids mostly. Glad to know I am not alone!!! :)

  7. I can relate to the cigs. I think I may love them more than booze. I started up again 7 years ago after the kids were born because I was so stressed. But I had to keep running outside, grabbing a smoke, coming in, washing hands, changing clothes. It got crazy and I had to stop.

    I think as long as you can stay honest about the smokes, you can stop again. It's the justifying that it's not that bad, everyone's doing it that got me in trouble. When I just kept telling myself it was unhealthly and a pain in the ass to keep up, I was able to quit.

    But if I have even one, I'm off to the races. I wish I could be an occasional social smoker.

  8. Mrs D you are inspiring. It's like reading my own story except I've never had the guts to give up. I'm sitting here thinking ' could I do it?'

  9. Strangely enough I use to smoke, it was stopping smoking that my drinking habbit slowly started to creep up and up, this was my new way of relaxing.......what a fad....I'm now on day 8 of no alcohol and I smoke an e cig instead......don't get addicted to ciggs it took me years to quit and now I have to quit alcohol because of my stupid addictive personality! Pippa