Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Alcohol's target gun...

I seem to have found myself talking a lot lately about alcohol and my sobriety. One of the by-products of 'coming out' in my normal life about my blog. Loads of friends and family have been reading back over what I went through when I gave up the booze, and I'm getting a lot of warmth and understanding, and comments like 'I didn't realise how hard it was for you' and 'had no clue what you were going through' a lot.

Everyone's being very lovely about it which is good because I do feel a bit strange and vulnerable opening myself up. Although I've been open online from the get-go, in my real life the blog was my safe anonymous haven, my special, secret, go-to place to vent and ponder and explore and examine.

However I do feel good about opening it up. It's got to a point now where if the blog is going to continue I don't want to have to keep it a secret from my loved ones. I'm not ashamed that I got addicted to something addictive, nor am I embarrassed by anything I went through in those tough months before I stopped drinking or the crazy emotional months after. This blog is a big part of my life now and a crucial part of my recovery. And while I'm much stronger in my sobriety than I was at the start I'll always be 'in recovery' and hence think I'd always like to blog, but I don't need it to be a secret safe haven any more.

Sorry that is a bit rambling and I could go on but just felt the need to write that out.

Anyway! One of the things I've been saying a lot to friends lately is how cruel it seems alcohol is to pick and choose who is going to get bitten by the addiction bug. It's like alcohol is a target gun that points it's way through the room going 'you're going to be fine', 'you're going to be fine', 'you're going to be fine', 'you're not - BANG'... and then it shoots you. I got shot. I got addicted. I can't drink moderately. I can't control my intake. I had to take it away.

Mr D on the other hand - he got spared. He's got a bottle of whiskey in the pantry that has been there for about two months. TWO MONTHS! It wouldn't last that long if I were still drinking that's for sure.

I think a big step in getting yourself sober is accepting that you are one of those 'unlucky' people that got shot with alcohol's target gun and just can't control it. We can spend loads and loads of energy trying to control and moderate, or we can just accept that fact - we are the 'unlucky' ones - and then set about retraining ourselves to live without alcohol. The period of 'retraining' takes a while, but once it's done - hey presto! We are free. I know that I am massively over-simplifying a really complex matter but that's the kind of mood I am in today.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. Brilliant post my friend. I'll be honest though, when I'm at a party now or out to dinner with friends I can't help but think...I'm the lucky one. Even though I still miss it from time to time I can't figure out what good it does to anyone.

    We are that shit.


    1. You are so right, Sherry - freedom from alcohol is for the win :)

  2. I agree with Sherry. We are the lucky ones to be spared from the life-long relationship with alcohol that - even in moderation - keeps you from a full, healthy life. We just had to go through some stuff before we realized it!

  3. I think that you are very brave who have gone public with your blog! Am happy that you have been met by love and empathy.

    Never, never, ever feel ashamed of anything about yourself. Never ever think that alcoholism somehow, in the eyes of others, would make you a weaker or lesser person. You are STRONGER, due to alcoholism. Thanks to sobriety and the hardships you have gone through up to that point, and then beyond has expanded your mind. I has given you insights that most never even come close to during their entire lifes.

    You have the power to decided how you and your life is. If anyone is of any other opinion, that has nothing to do with you. That's their opinion, generated in the world that they live, with the values that they have chosen to live by.

    There will always be judgemental people, critizing people because they are addicts, overweight, ugly, stupid or whatever they can come up with just to put people down so that they can make themselves feel bigger and better. To simply not pay any attention to such people is what kills them ;-)

    I'm rambling hahaaa Anyways you are the most brilliant woman who are doing so well, who are so insightful and inspiring. Take care mrs D! *hugs*

  4. Why me? That was something I thought of at first - I readily came to accept that I couldn't drink safely again but then there was a bit of "hey that isn't fair though". But it is what it is. I was in rehab with a guy who had cystic fibrosis, he was a gambler as well. Now his gambling he could stop and arrest through work but his cystic fibrosis... well that killed him before he turned 30. Meeting him seeing the difficulty he faced living with a serious chronic condition like that made me realise my difficulty wasn't so bad. I often think of him when I'm in a mindset of "it isn't fair" it may not be but so what play the hand of cards you were dealt mister.

    My wife is a "normie". I recently cleaned the sheen of dust off her bottle of Southern Comfort which has sat untouched for a good few months. She still says things like "I've had enough of that, I'll have a Diet Coke" or she'll leave some in a glass as we leave the restaurant table... most odd... don't understand that behaviour at all!

  5. I love that you are open with friends and family about your blog. For the most part, I keep quiet about mine, which feels at odds with my general openness about being in recovery. I am not ashamed, and mostly that's come from time and seeing how much happier and healthier freedom from booze has allowed me to be.

    I like what you said about always being "in recovery". I know some people talk about wanting to get over the recovery process...not that they want to drink again, but they don't want to always think about not drinking, if that makes sense. And I don't feel that way and I hope I will always find room for recovery in my life because it has given me so much more than it's taken away.

    Thank you for these lovely thoughts today.

  6. I'm glad the 'coming out' is going well for you Mrs D. I am not there yet by any means.

    I'll always be in recovery, if I stop taking my 'medicine' ie, working my recovery programme, I'll be drinking again in no time.

    Sometimes I wonder if I am just replacing obsessing about drinking with obsessing about not drinking, but who cares - life is a million times better not drinking.

  7. I hate when those moods come. Hope it passes quickly. I remember feeling "all" of what you've written. Not feeling it right now, put I am smart enough to know it will appear again. You are loved.

  8. Wonderful. Acceptance is key and makes it way easier. Love that you are so out and hopefully proud. You should be, this blog s a lifeline to so many, you are friggin' awesome!!!

  9. Awesome! I've been feeling the same way and coming out more and more! I think it maybe helpful and open some people's eyes to this disease. As far as Why me?, I used to feel that way too, but you know, if I may, when my mom was diagnosed with cancer she wondered why me too, so I think that's a normal reaction to something unexpected. It's what we do with it that matters and sobriety rocks! Woot woot! -Maggie

  10. What a beautiful sentiment, beautifully expressed!

  11. Hi Mrs. D,
    I love your blog and I think you are brilliant. "Dysfuctional Drinkers" have different body chemistry than non DDs - period. We are not weak willed or hedontistic pleasure seakers, we metabolize alcohol differently so one drink tastes like two, etc. End of story, it's been scientifically proven.
    Keep on keeping on!
    Cheers from Canada