Tuesday, August 13, 2013


I've had 3 drinking dreams in the past week... one was particularly intense and I woke up feeling really sad. I'd been offered a drink by a 'cool' person in a 'cool' room and had to say no and walk out... wandered around this hillside place and someone from my past was being mean to me.. I was trying to find Mr D because he had some keys I needed but I couldn't find him..

(I know other people's dreams are really boring and hard to follow but wouldn't Freud have a field day with this one??!!)

I woke up at 5.30am feeling sad, then lay in bed and listened to this talk by Tara Brach to help me with something that's going on in my life.. I was kind of finding it hard to focus all the way through (29 minutes long) but then I got to the end and she said something and I just burst into tears and sobbed. It was very intense and weird.

Later that day I was sitting at my sisters kitchen table talking to her about stuff and I was all watery and had teary eyes but I didn't mind.  Usually being watery would be a very uncomfortable place for me to be. But I didn't mind.

We left her house and went walking to the park with the kids. I got a coffee from the nice man in the coffee caravan and then pushed my Little Guy on the swing. It was windy and I felt so alive.

Even in my tender, watery state I just feel so thankful to be living, really living and really feeling and really moving through my life in a totally alert fashion.

That night I got a babysitter (Mr D was away on work) and went to a quiz night for a dear friend's school fundraiser and had So. Much. Fun!!!

Last night I speed-read "Smashed: Growing Up A Drunk Girl" by Koren Zailckas. A great read if you want to read all about someone's crazy boozy exploits (and boy did she have some crazy boozy exploits). As seems to often be the way with these memoirs the bit where she got sober was pretty brief (this is always what I want to read about) but she does sum up nicely what she has learned about herself since she took the booze away (a lot, and not all of it peaches and roses). She ends by railing against the alcohol industry; "which alternates between pandering to women and using us to bait men" and with a great feminist rant about all of the evil alcohol creates for women; "I've had it with a world that has created a generation of women who are emotionally dependent on alcohol".

And then there's this: "I'm tired of the world that won't rescue girls until we're long past the point of saving. Too many people rely on outward signs of aggression to indicate their daughters or girlfriends or sisters have problems with alcohol. They wait for fights, or D,U.I. charges, or destruction of property, when girls who drink are far less apt to break rules in overt ways. As a gender we are far more likely to turn our drunken destructiveness inward, to wage private wars against ourselves, to attempt suicide, to be pinned down by fear and depression. "

So very true. Remove the alcohol and we un-pin ourselves and really start to live.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. Sorry you were feeling watery, Mrs D, though watery is darn good word to describe that feeling. There's something about being raw and open to life that's great, tears and all. And I like the quotes from Koren Zailckas. I've been thinking about how so many women my age got caught up in doing what the boys were doing when we were young, which really just meant heavy drinking. We had all that freedom that our mothers didn't have, but no role models for what to do with it. At least that's what it was like where I'm from. Drinking is still made to look so glamorous, and young women still face a double standard when they don't manage it well. It's good to know people are writing and talking about that now. It's at least a start. Interesting post as always. Thanks for it!

  2. Those drinking dreams sure seem to be going around. I guess there's some comfort in knowing we all have them.

    Thanks for that Tara Branch link--I'm downloading it now. Can't wait to listen. I'm really loving her stuff.

    Watery is okay... It's just another feeling. And aren't feelings lovely?! haha. It beats *not* feeling, any day though, doesn't it? xxx, Christy

  3. Dear Mrs D,

    Sad days are worth it for the days where "It was windy and I felt so alive."

    In terms of thinking about feelings, my favourite listening these days has been (more of) Brene Brown and her vulnerability research. She talks about numbing; when we numb the bad feelings (eg shame) we numb all feelings, so we can't experience joy unless we're also prepared to meet all our feelings. If you haven't heard her, let me know, I'll send you some of the best youtube links.

    Enjoying your writing and thoughts!
    Ali in the Alps

  4. I'm not having drinking dreams at the moment but odd ones... the last one was me walking / running along somewhere looking for somewhere to store something, no idea what but the inference in my actions was that it was nefarious! I met someone who I think was supposed to be an old work colleague but he didn't look like the guy I think it was supposed to be at all, another old work colleague was looking out from a window and I was thinking glad he is there to help him... inference was (again unspoken) that he'd suffered a tragic loss. Finally some teenage girls in very odd vehicles - like just a seat on some wheels went past and one crashed - I then thought it strange I could hear music... that was the alarm so I woke up then... The girl on the buggy is no doubt as my daughter is talking about taking her driving test but the rest of it... surreal...

    Weird place the mind - esp a mind that's been beaten to a bent shape over the years by alcohol.

  5. Oh sweetie - I HATE those dreams. Sometimes they make me sad and sometimes the make me mad as hell...they always leave me confused.

    I love it when you say shit like this - stuff about how much you love your life and how you're okay if your watery. We've come so freaking far.

    I love being on this journey with you.


  6. Watery - I hated when my drinks were like that, but don't mind when my days are like that...I know that I will always bounce back, like you will :)

    Drinking dreams - yeah, lots going on lately with those out there, but I get them in bunches. Had a few lately, but I find that I wake up less and less panicked. Who knows, I might have a doozy one soon and wake up screaming! ugh. But I know the feeling. It's disarming to awaken from one of those, to say the least.

    I haven't read that book - but it sounds interesting. :)

    Glad things are well, Mrs. D. Always glad to hear from you.

    Blessings and hugs from Canada,

  7. Oh man, I think I am feeling watery right now... Blah. Thanks for the post, I know this will pass, I just got to let it. And not wallow and not be in self pity and .... Is it ever ok just to be sad, I don't know. Maybe... But it doesn't seem to serve any good purpose. Maybe it is so that we know the difference when we feel happy.... Hmmm. I read a quote once, it said something like you can't feel true happiness until you felt true sadness. Maybe that's true a bit.

    Anyway. I love the quote at the end there, yes, so very true! Thanks for sharing it! - Maggie

  8. OMG Mrs. D! This my be your best post yet! What a great message, great content. Loved it. Related to it. Kudos!


  9. I love that you worked through your emotions directly at the lunch table. I am on Day 2 of sobriety so I can't even imagine having a glass of wine at the table yet. Deep breaths. Thank you for your blog- I have enjoyed looking through the archives. It is inspiring to read other people's stories. ~Jen