Saturday, May 20, 2017

Profoundly, deeply, overwhelmingly....

I just had a great boogie at the school disco! Danced up a storm at the back door where I was on duty letting the cool air come in and no kids go out. The DJs (Dads) were playing all manner of brilliant cheesy hits and the kids were having a blast showing adults how to have fun without bending their brains. It was a lovely ending to a day which started sadly at the funeral of a friend's dad.

Home now, kids are in bed and I am lying on the sofa in my PJs watching TV and drinking chamomile tea.

I know there are loads of people who will be out and about this Friday night .. boozing it up merrily at bars and clubs in town. Or maybe creating their own private party at home with wines or some such (like I used to). I don't worry about that or feel like I'm missing out. I did that sort of thing for years and years. I know what it feels like.

I know what it feels like to get smashed with friends chatting and laughing and dancing the night away.

I know what it feels like to glug, glug, glug my way through the night with my foot to the floor, charging on all cylinders, necking booze like it's going out of fashion.

I know what it feels like to get hit with waves of nausea on the dance floor.

I know what it feels like to ask the taxi to stop so you can lean out the door and puke onto the road.

I know what it feels like to vomit in the front garden then lie down for a wee nap in the bushes.

I know what it feels like to check your bank account for late night transactions that you can't remember ("must've been another round of chocolate martinis").

I know what it feels like to wake with a pounding head, sick guts and a brain full of nerves and regret.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Then said goodbye, traded in that life for a new one. Re-shaped my identity and became a sober woman.

I love living sober. Living sober means I front up to every experience in my life - whether it be sad or challenging or fun - and experience it 100%. Full throttle. Full noise. Full human experience all day every day. Love it. Love, love, love it.

I often say that I don't regret any of my drinking because what's the point in looking back (and a lot of it was fun let's be honest). But to say that I am grateful to have gotten booze out of my life and be experiencing a totally different way of living is an understatement.

I am so profoundly, deeply, overwhelmingly grateful to be sober. There is not one teeny tiny percent of me that wants to be anything else.

And that is a fantastic way to feel.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. Wow! This is such an excellent read Lotta. I absolutely love it. Thank you xoxo

  2. love this, I feel the same, I walk in the rain, love getting wet, love hard work and feeling good, tackling housework easily, omg thank you for you words... Stephanie New Zealand.

  3. I am 84 days sober today! I can totally relate to your blog, thank you so much! I am feeling great!

  4. I'm on a relapse...distraught but thxful to open this post on my Feedly. You make such sense always..thx! CJ adame

  5. Our life is totally different without booze. I can't afford to go back or look back really. Full steam ahead dealing with life. I am much happier and clearer and you say we have reshaped our entire identity. Thank goodness. Never get sick of this grateful attitude and relief at not feeling bad.

  6. The disco! I love it!

    What a different life you live today. It's the miracle of the mundane I tell you! All the little things in life that bring us such joy. They were all there for us early on, we just didn't choose to see them.

  7. Just stumbled across your blog as I am 4 months sober today.. I originally googled something about "4 months sober" and happened upon your posts from the same time. Happy to hear that 5 years later, you're still blogging and still sober. I hope for the same. One day at a time!

  8. Thanks Lotta :) So good to see you are so happy.
    I have passed 6 months now and "things" are really changing again. It is like there are cycles of change after you stop drinking and this appears to be another one.

    My MIND is really changing now and it is very exciting !
    Thanks to you for paving the way for many of us :)x

    Michelle xxx

  9. Wonderful uplifting,energetic,bubbly,bursting with gorgeousness post.
    Made me smile.I was watching Scream Queens last night with my daughter Lily (13),& as I tidied up before bed I thought,hey,I'm not even missing the booze now,was quite happy with a glass of sparkling grape juice,relaxing after a bath,this is good!

  10. "...lie down for a wee nap in the bushes..." this part made me laugh...but only bc I've been there...many times. 366 days sober today. Your book was one of the first resources I secretly reached for in my early months of wondering if I had a problem. Thank you for being here :) Much love!

  11. Great post, I love the retrospective on what drinking feels like. Been there, done that, now onward! Xx

  12. I always love your posts!!
    I have done the drinking thing too, and now I am doing something else, not drinking, and that is turning out to be great fun!

  13. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I have found your entries inspirational. I am contemplating giving up alcohol completely. Having personal experience of numerous desperate lows followed by periods of controlled drinking which always lead to same old patterns.Having read your early entries I can certainly identify with your posts. Thank you. UK citizen