So the very next night after I wrote my post confessing to dysfunctional sugar binging I went and did it again. Two little bowls of cereal heaped with sugar. And I mean HEAPED. It's not about the cereal, it's about the sugar.
It was quite funny actually at one point Mr D came into the kitchen/family room to rummage around in a box for something and I froze at the kitchen bench, totally caught in the act with the spoon in my hand and the sugar container sitting proudly in full view (I'd confessed to him that I'd been naughty the night before). Luckily he found what he was looking for and went away without spotting me and I finished the job quickly and scurried off to bed to eat the contraband.
Anyway the next morning of course I was all grumpy and snapping at the boys for not knowing what they wanted for breakfast and just being a grouchy, grumpy person. A short while later amid boxes and shit I said to Mr D "I hate this.. I hate all the mess and being in limbo .. and the thought of unpacking at the other end makes me shudder. I'm not stressed or anything.. I'm just hating this". He said nothing much.
Then later we were outside by the garage and I snapped at him for not grabbing a plastic bottle before it rolled completely under the car and he paused and just looked at me for a minute and BAM my self-awareness/honesty button got pushed and I blurted out "Ok I'm stressed! I am!! I'm just stressed and I'm hating this and ask any housewife moving house is awful and stressful and I'm just not enjoying this process AT ALL! Look at me! I'm grumpy and snappy and sugar binging like a freak. All the signs are there - I'm stressed!!!"
And then I felt so much better. Just like that I felt better. Amazeballs.
Not sure if this is true for everyone but I seem to have to clearly identify and put into words how I am feeling in order to deal with it. That's probably why I blah on about myself in a blog and in person to everyone I meet all the time (oh gawd, what must people think of me?). Brutal honesty gives me power. Blogging is powerful for me not just because of the wonderful community of support but because I am externalising what's going on for me internally... and that is fucking powerful my friends.
Are other people the same as me? I reckon even if you were saying something truthful out loud to the mirror with no-one else around it would be incredibly powerful. Words are powerful. Thoughts can be deceiving. Put thoughts and feelings into words and they become easier to understand and manage. That's what I think anyway.
So... no more sugar binging from now until we move later this week. Hopefully this works!
Love, Mrs D xxx
Monday, January 13, 2014
Saturday, January 11, 2014
More dysfunctional sugar binging...
It's always the bloody emotions for me. And it's the tough emotions.. not fun or excitement or happiness.. sadness, grumpiness, anger. Those are the ones I can't cope with.
I can usually be strong and set a great example for how to live sober and still have fun. But how to live sober and deal with a bad mood..? Not my strong point.
Yesterday ended with me in a shit.. just grumpy and stomping around. House was a tip (we are packing to move houses) boys were being difficult around bed time (extended summer holidays here and the days are long), Mr D was in his happy place watching cricket on TV and I just felt shitty and tired and grumpy.
But instead of finishing my day with a nice hot bath and another episode of Breaking Bad I did my worst dysfunctional sugar binging trick of eating a little bowl of cereal heaped with about 3 tablespoons of white sugar.
A fucking sugar binge.
Twice. Two bowls. Ok they were small but really? Really Mrs D?
It's the same impulse that would have led me to drinking a bottle of red wine if not more. Oh shit! Shock horror I feel bad! Quick! Reach for some external unhealthy thing that will make me feel momentarily better - quick!
I'm even slightly embarrassed to say that Mr D's wine glasses were winking at me from the bench. He had one white one and then one red one. I sniffed the red one long and deeply - in my bad mood it was like I was making myself suffer. I didn't actually care too much about the wine or the smell, no pangs or cravings or serious temptations to drink it. Just me in a bad mood sniffing wine to be a dickhead.
And then the little 'fuck it' voice heaping spoons of sugar into a little bowl of cereal.
Of course today the guilt and fierce thought that I will not beat myself up too much but I will also stay determined to be the person I really want to be. Healthy and calm. And better at dealing with bad moods when they do come.
Now, back to packing.
Love, Mrs D xxx
I can usually be strong and set a great example for how to live sober and still have fun. But how to live sober and deal with a bad mood..? Not my strong point.
Yesterday ended with me in a shit.. just grumpy and stomping around. House was a tip (we are packing to move houses) boys were being difficult around bed time (extended summer holidays here and the days are long), Mr D was in his happy place watching cricket on TV and I just felt shitty and tired and grumpy.
But instead of finishing my day with a nice hot bath and another episode of Breaking Bad I did my worst dysfunctional sugar binging trick of eating a little bowl of cereal heaped with about 3 tablespoons of white sugar.
A fucking sugar binge.
Twice. Two bowls. Ok they were small but really? Really Mrs D?
It's the same impulse that would have led me to drinking a bottle of red wine if not more. Oh shit! Shock horror I feel bad! Quick! Reach for some external unhealthy thing that will make me feel momentarily better - quick!
I'm even slightly embarrassed to say that Mr D's wine glasses were winking at me from the bench. He had one white one and then one red one. I sniffed the red one long and deeply - in my bad mood it was like I was making myself suffer. I didn't actually care too much about the wine or the smell, no pangs or cravings or serious temptations to drink it. Just me in a bad mood sniffing wine to be a dickhead.
And then the little 'fuck it' voice heaping spoons of sugar into a little bowl of cereal.
Of course today the guilt and fierce thought that I will not beat myself up too much but I will also stay determined to be the person I really want to be. Healthy and calm. And better at dealing with bad moods when they do come.
Now, back to packing.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
All that matters ....
Sometimes people say to me "congratulations on your blog" or "well done on the book contract" and it's really lovely of them but I always feel a little odd about it because I felt like the congratulations should really be directed at the fact that I got sober. The blog, the book etc all comes second to me, my sobriety comes first and will always come first.
What I mean is that I didn't set out to write a blog and get a book contract and get noticed for all of that. I set out to remove alcohol from my life.. I set out to work really hard to turn my life around and get myself out of the boozy hell-hole that I was in. I didn't set out to gather material for a book or achieve world domination in social media... I just wanted to fix myself.
Don't get me wrong.. having a blog that people read is totally awesome, as is getting a contract to write a book about my sobriety, having a twitter account, and getting to write articles like this one for Mumsnet.
It's all totally great and fun and rewarding and fulfilling .. but it's all a by-product of the main event which was me facing up to an alcohol problem and getting sober. That's all that matters.
All that matters on a Tuesday night when I brush my teeth is that I am sober.
All that matters on a Friday lunch-time when I race to the supermarket to buy lightbulbs, milk and bananas is that I am sober.
All that matters as I tweet from my bed that I am so happy to be waking up hangover free is that I am waking up hangover free.. not that people might read and respond to that tweet.
All that matters when I get to do publicity for my book is that I will be finishing each day with a cup of tea and not 5 glasses of red wine because I don't drink shitloads of wine anymore.
I used to drink lots of wine all the time. I bought bottles all the time. I drank them rapidly, steadily and heavily. I did it all the time. And now I don't.
Shit I've just gotten tearful typing this .. that was unexpected. I obviously feel quite deeply about this. There's going to be a lot of stuff going on for me this year with the book coming out and other potential projects and I really feel underneath it all, all that matters is that I got myself sober. I faced up to a huge difficult problem and worked really hard to fix myself.
That's all that matters.
Love, Mrs D xxx
What I mean is that I didn't set out to write a blog and get a book contract and get noticed for all of that. I set out to remove alcohol from my life.. I set out to work really hard to turn my life around and get myself out of the boozy hell-hole that I was in. I didn't set out to gather material for a book or achieve world domination in social media... I just wanted to fix myself.
Don't get me wrong.. having a blog that people read is totally awesome, as is getting a contract to write a book about my sobriety, having a twitter account, and getting to write articles like this one for Mumsnet.
It's all totally great and fun and rewarding and fulfilling .. but it's all a by-product of the main event which was me facing up to an alcohol problem and getting sober. That's all that matters.
All that matters on a Tuesday night when I brush my teeth is that I am sober.
All that matters on a Friday lunch-time when I race to the supermarket to buy lightbulbs, milk and bananas is that I am sober.
All that matters as I tweet from my bed that I am so happy to be waking up hangover free is that I am waking up hangover free.. not that people might read and respond to that tweet.
All that matters when I get to do publicity for my book is that I will be finishing each day with a cup of tea and not 5 glasses of red wine because I don't drink shitloads of wine anymore.
I used to drink lots of wine all the time. I bought bottles all the time. I drank them rapidly, steadily and heavily. I did it all the time. And now I don't.
Shit I've just gotten tearful typing this .. that was unexpected. I obviously feel quite deeply about this. There's going to be a lot of stuff going on for me this year with the book coming out and other potential projects and I really feel underneath it all, all that matters is that I got myself sober. I faced up to a huge difficult problem and worked really hard to fix myself.
That's all that matters.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
New Years Eve party
Went to a New Years Eve party last night at Mr D's sisters house. A small group of friends hanging out, playing guitar, standing around a brazier keeping warm. I took along a Red Bull.
Finding that I don't really even need a glass to hold now all the time.
Went into the kitchen at one point to make a cup of tea - it was lovely.
Everyone else was boozing .. every now and then a wave of people would head inside to do Tequila shots. I laughed at their puckered faces as they sucked on lemon at the end...
I didn't wish I was drinking like everyone else.. I was more concerned that I'd be too tired to wait up till midnight..
But the chat was fun, the music was lovely, the fire was warm, and suddenly it was twelve o'clock.
As we went around hugging each other 'Happy New Year!!' I noticed a few were seeming quite merry but it was an abstract observation rather than anything awful or awkward. Most of the time (unless they're outwardly displaying signs of drunkenness) I forget that people are under the influence.
Just doesn't really matter to me. I'm happy in my sober head space. Someone tweeted me 'enjoy partying YOUR way' just as I was leaving home and I thought that was such a great sentiment.
I did enjoy partying my way last night. Happy and sober. Sorry to be boring yet again but this is a blog about my drinking so I have to talk about that and when I talk about that I have to just keep repeating that I am very happy to be sober. Very.
And boy do I love driving home, dropping friends off on the way.
Happy 2014 everyone, I feel like this is going to be a great year.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Finding that I don't really even need a glass to hold now all the time.
Went into the kitchen at one point to make a cup of tea - it was lovely.
Everyone else was boozing .. every now and then a wave of people would head inside to do Tequila shots. I laughed at their puckered faces as they sucked on lemon at the end...
I didn't wish I was drinking like everyone else.. I was more concerned that I'd be too tired to wait up till midnight..
But the chat was fun, the music was lovely, the fire was warm, and suddenly it was twelve o'clock.
As we went around hugging each other 'Happy New Year!!' I noticed a few were seeming quite merry but it was an abstract observation rather than anything awful or awkward. Most of the time (unless they're outwardly displaying signs of drunkenness) I forget that people are under the influence.
Just doesn't really matter to me. I'm happy in my sober head space. Someone tweeted me 'enjoy partying YOUR way' just as I was leaving home and I thought that was such a great sentiment.
I did enjoy partying my way last night. Happy and sober. Sorry to be boring yet again but this is a blog about my drinking so I have to talk about that and when I talk about that I have to just keep repeating that I am very happy to be sober. Very.
And boy do I love driving home, dropping friends off on the way.
Happy 2014 everyone, I feel like this is going to be a great year.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Happy sober moments
Occasionally I have moments when I'm walking from one place to another or driving somewhere when I suddenly think "I'm just moving around my life and I never touch alcohol any more and it's no big deal."
It's farking amazing that after all the angst and guilt and worrying and heavy drinking that was the end of my drinking days, followed by the cravings and emotional turmoil and pangs and woe-is-me that was my early sobriety days, all the thinking, thinking, thinking I did constantly about drinking, all that bloody brain noise regarding me and alcohol did slowly fade away.
So that now sometimes I find myself moving from point A to point B having a little moment thinking 'look at sober me moving around my alcohol-free life!' And it feels totally super-cool in a low key, lovely way.
Not bells-and-whistles amazing or grit-and-grim angst, just low key and lovely, normal me moving between point A and point B and being a sober person.
I just saw a photo someone took of Zac Effron with his six-month sobriety chip around his neck.. just cruising between point A and point B being a smiley sober dude.
My particular point A this week was the main facilities block at a camping ground and point B was our tent site. I was carrying a pink plastic bucket full of dishes I had just washed in the communal kitchen. Waiting for me at the tent site was Mr D, my sister and her husband, all sitting around in deck chairs having a wine and chatting.
I didn't care that I wasn't having a wine too.. I was happy walking with my pink bucket, and my little private thought that I was happily moving around my sober life and it was totally, fabulously, fine.
Love, Mrs D xxx
It's farking amazing that after all the angst and guilt and worrying and heavy drinking that was the end of my drinking days, followed by the cravings and emotional turmoil and pangs and woe-is-me that was my early sobriety days, all the thinking, thinking, thinking I did constantly about drinking, all that bloody brain noise regarding me and alcohol did slowly fade away.
So that now sometimes I find myself moving from point A to point B having a little moment thinking 'look at sober me moving around my alcohol-free life!' And it feels totally super-cool in a low key, lovely way.
Not bells-and-whistles amazing or grit-and-grim angst, just low key and lovely, normal me moving between point A and point B and being a sober person.
I just saw a photo someone took of Zac Effron with his six-month sobriety chip around his neck.. just cruising between point A and point B being a smiley sober dude.
My particular point A this week was the main facilities block at a camping ground and point B was our tent site. I was carrying a pink plastic bucket full of dishes I had just washed in the communal kitchen. Waiting for me at the tent site was Mr D, my sister and her husband, all sitting around in deck chairs having a wine and chatting.
I didn't care that I wasn't having a wine too.. I was happy walking with my pink bucket, and my little private thought that I was happily moving around my sober life and it was totally, fabulously, fine.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Christmas Eve...
Ok so I'm 2 1/2 years sober and even I've found it somewhat confronting being out of my sober bubble (home) and around people who are all drinking all the time. We've travelled away for Christmas and New Years.. down country to see both our families. Everyone's totally used to me being sober now (someone actually tried to hand me a champagne cocktail today and I had to say 'not for me thanks' twice before he face palmed with embarrassment). I thought it was kind of funny.
But yeah, I've been feeling a little bit awkward sometimes at the drinks-being-poured stage. Awkward mixed in with a bit of dismay that most people can just drink and not worry about it. So here's some of the thoughts I think when I get hit with those uncomfortable feelings.
'It won't matter in an hour'
'It won't matter when I wake up in the morning'
'I wonder if any of these people get the drinking guilt like I used to get'
'I hated that drinking guilt so much'
'I'm so pleased I don't have drinking guilt any more'
'Maybe I'll make myself a coffee, that'd be nice'
And then the feeling fades and the moment passes and sure enough it doesn't matter that I didn't have the alcohol like everyone else. I never wake up regretting not having drunk the night before.
I hope everyone who is sober has a fabulous sober Christmas. I hope everyone who desperately wishes to be sober has a fabulous Christmas too, and holds on to the nugget of truth that it is possible to live a full and fun life without alcohol in it.
There are carrots on the driveway for the reindeer and right now I need to go and stuff Christmas stockings with gifts for three little boys. Ho, ho, ho.
Love, Mrs D xxx
But yeah, I've been feeling a little bit awkward sometimes at the drinks-being-poured stage. Awkward mixed in with a bit of dismay that most people can just drink and not worry about it. So here's some of the thoughts I think when I get hit with those uncomfortable feelings.
'It won't matter in an hour'
'It won't matter when I wake up in the morning'
'I wonder if any of these people get the drinking guilt like I used to get'
'I hated that drinking guilt so much'
'I'm so pleased I don't have drinking guilt any more'
'Maybe I'll make myself a coffee, that'd be nice'
And then the feeling fades and the moment passes and sure enough it doesn't matter that I didn't have the alcohol like everyone else. I never wake up regretting not having drunk the night before.
I hope everyone who is sober has a fabulous sober Christmas. I hope everyone who desperately wishes to be sober has a fabulous Christmas too, and holds on to the nugget of truth that it is possible to live a full and fun life without alcohol in it.
There are carrots on the driveway for the reindeer and right now I need to go and stuff Christmas stockings with gifts for three little boys. Ho, ho, ho.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Thursday, December 19, 2013
A sober silly season
I went to the pub this week! Twice! And it was totally fine. Both time I guzzled a couple of lemon, lime and bitters and nattered with girlfriends. Fairly new girlfriends - some of whom didn't know about my not drinking - but not a single word was said and it really was irrelevant that I didn't have alcohol in my glass.
It's the silly season and everyone all around my fair country is gearing up for a boozy Christmas and New Years. Except for all the fabulous sober warriors of course…!
This is my third sober silly season and so far I've had only one teeny weeny pang (today when someone mentioned they were having a boozy boxing day lunch and suddenly a tiny woe-is-me thought passed through my mind. I batted it away quick smart).
Last year I did have quite a few sad pangs.. and the year before I was brand spanking shiny new at being sober so it was all weird and different. I kept retreating into the bedroom to read blogs.
One of the best bits of advice I've ever heard regarding holidays and how to cope being sober around family and drinking came from Mr SponsorPants. He says "Remember, other people find the holidays difficult and emotionally charged as well -- you're not the only one having a tough time of it -- watch for ego and hyper-sensitivity, and rather than sit in your own upset, see who and how you can help wherever you may be or whomever you may be with." You can read his whole Holiday Survival Guide here. It's ace.
This advice really works for me because that's the truth of it of course. Everyone comes together at Christmas time and brings their own exhaustion from their own busy year and their own personal stresses and strains and everyone thinks their stresses and strains are the worst stresses and strains (which of course they are to them) and … well I just find it helpful to imagine everyone else dealing with shit and then my own shit doesn't seem so insurmountable.
And remember.. push your thoughts through the evening and imagine going to bed sober. Imagine waking up fresh with no hangover and sick guts or guilt. Those are the beautiful things worth staying sober for. That and the healthy dose of self-respect you'll have after the silly season is over.
I am just so freaking exhausted and ready to stop the treadmill and get off for a bit. Kids are tired. Mr D is tired. The birds outside in the trees are tired too. (I wish the bloody neighbours were tired and not having a party tonight but oh well).
Off to bed. Bye for now all you lovely people.
Love, Mrs D xxx
It's the silly season and everyone all around my fair country is gearing up for a boozy Christmas and New Years. Except for all the fabulous sober warriors of course…!
This is my third sober silly season and so far I've had only one teeny weeny pang (today when someone mentioned they were having a boozy boxing day lunch and suddenly a tiny woe-is-me thought passed through my mind. I batted it away quick smart).
Last year I did have quite a few sad pangs.. and the year before I was brand spanking shiny new at being sober so it was all weird and different. I kept retreating into the bedroom to read blogs.
One of the best bits of advice I've ever heard regarding holidays and how to cope being sober around family and drinking came from Mr SponsorPants. He says "Remember, other people find the holidays difficult and emotionally charged as well -- you're not the only one having a tough time of it -- watch for ego and hyper-sensitivity, and rather than sit in your own upset, see who and how you can help wherever you may be or whomever you may be with." You can read his whole Holiday Survival Guide here. It's ace.
This advice really works for me because that's the truth of it of course. Everyone comes together at Christmas time and brings their own exhaustion from their own busy year and their own personal stresses and strains and everyone thinks their stresses and strains are the worst stresses and strains (which of course they are to them) and … well I just find it helpful to imagine everyone else dealing with shit and then my own shit doesn't seem so insurmountable.
And remember.. push your thoughts through the evening and imagine going to bed sober. Imagine waking up fresh with no hangover and sick guts or guilt. Those are the beautiful things worth staying sober for. That and the healthy dose of self-respect you'll have after the silly season is over.
I am just so freaking exhausted and ready to stop the treadmill and get off for a bit. Kids are tired. Mr D is tired. The birds outside in the trees are tired too. (I wish the bloody neighbours were tired and not having a party tonight but oh well).
Off to bed. Bye for now all you lovely people.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Sobriety Pros and Cons...
There are a couple of bad things about being sober..
1) Occasionally I get a bit bummed out that I can't drink alcohol like other people can
2) My kids always steal my special non-alcoholic drinks (which I have rarely now but on weekends and special occasions I'll buy something different & treaty). They just go after it the minute they see I've got something different in my glass, knowing it'll always be non-alcoholic. This is very annoying.
I would go so far as to say that no 2) is worse than no 1). The number 1) feelings come along rarely nowadays and don't last long. Number 2) I'm totally over. If I want to have a special treaty drink I want it all to myself!!
There are many good things about being sober..
1) I'm no longer a tragic heavy boozer addicted to drinking wine all the time, believing (incorrectly) it made things more fun, not realizing how it was dragging me down
2) I feel calmer and happier in general
3) I look healthier (hair, skin, eyes)
3) I feel more authentic. When I react to something with happiness, fear, anger, sadness, joy, surprise etc..it feels more real and I sit more comfortably with the emotions (especially the difficult ones)
4) I get to do loads more writing because I started blogging as a way to keep myself sober and the blog led to a book and hopefully more writing projects will come..
5) Loads of things about me have improved - some of these improvements are imperceptible to others but I am aware of them every day. My cooking, housekeeping, personal grooming, dressing, etc has all got just that little bit better.
6) I don't know what my friends and family would say about this but I feel like I'm way more available and connected emotionally to everyone around me.
7) I sleep waaaaaaay better.
8) I'm part of a warm, wise, interesting, supportive online community of people interested in living without alcohol.
9) I get to be sober! And I think that's a totally interesting way to live. It's definitely more interesting for me on the inside looking out, and I think it's an interesting fun fact about me for people I meet .. something you don't hear every day, especially when I'm so open about my reasons for not touching the stuff (can't control it).
10) Shitballs.. I can't think of a number 10. Um….. I can always drive home, I never wake up with a hangover, I've more money to spend, my insides must be healthier, maybe I've reduced my risk of getting cancer or some other health nasty?, I read more books .. actually I could keep going forever. There are a million reasons why being sober is great and hardly any why it's not.
Don't believe me? Try it for yourself. Go on.. I dare ya….
Love, Mrs D xxxx
1) Occasionally I get a bit bummed out that I can't drink alcohol like other people can
2) My kids always steal my special non-alcoholic drinks (which I have rarely now but on weekends and special occasions I'll buy something different & treaty). They just go after it the minute they see I've got something different in my glass, knowing it'll always be non-alcoholic. This is very annoying.
I would go so far as to say that no 2) is worse than no 1). The number 1) feelings come along rarely nowadays and don't last long. Number 2) I'm totally over. If I want to have a special treaty drink I want it all to myself!!
There are many good things about being sober..
1) I'm no longer a tragic heavy boozer addicted to drinking wine all the time, believing (incorrectly) it made things more fun, not realizing how it was dragging me down
2) I feel calmer and happier in general
3) I look healthier (hair, skin, eyes)
3) I feel more authentic. When I react to something with happiness, fear, anger, sadness, joy, surprise etc..it feels more real and I sit more comfortably with the emotions (especially the difficult ones)
4) I get to do loads more writing because I started blogging as a way to keep myself sober and the blog led to a book and hopefully more writing projects will come..
5) Loads of things about me have improved - some of these improvements are imperceptible to others but I am aware of them every day. My cooking, housekeeping, personal grooming, dressing, etc has all got just that little bit better.
6) I don't know what my friends and family would say about this but I feel like I'm way more available and connected emotionally to everyone around me.
7) I sleep waaaaaaay better.
8) I'm part of a warm, wise, interesting, supportive online community of people interested in living without alcohol.
9) I get to be sober! And I think that's a totally interesting way to live. It's definitely more interesting for me on the inside looking out, and I think it's an interesting fun fact about me for people I meet .. something you don't hear every day, especially when I'm so open about my reasons for not touching the stuff (can't control it).
10) Shitballs.. I can't think of a number 10. Um….. I can always drive home, I never wake up with a hangover, I've more money to spend, my insides must be healthier, maybe I've reduced my risk of getting cancer or some other health nasty?, I read more books .. actually I could keep going forever. There are a million reasons why being sober is great and hardly any why it's not.
Don't believe me? Try it for yourself. Go on.. I dare ya….
Love, Mrs D xxxx
Monday, December 9, 2013
A bit of rah-rah-sisterhood-rocks! for ya...
So I didn't go to Mr D's work party on Saturday night and sat at home instead eating Christmas cake and watching Fashion Police on Channel E. It was ok.
I think if I'd still been boozing I'd probably have gone. Even though I would have had the same underlying feelings (it's not my gang, can't be bothered) I would have gone and gotten amongst it and gotten boozed and had a fair-to-middling time. Only fair-to-middling because the underlying truth would still have been there (it's not my gang, can't be bothered) and no amount of booze would have changed that.
So I suppose you could say I didn't go because I'm sober. That doesn't mean I didn't go because I wasn't going to be drinking and everyone else was. That means I didn't go because it's not my gang and I can't be bothered and now that I'm sober I can make a decision based on those truths.
That's what I was telling myself as I sat on the sofa eating cake anyway.
And as I sat there I received a Facebook message from a friend of mine who lives in another town who has fought the brave fight, dug deep and gotten herself sober. She reaches out from time to time to let me know how she's going and she's doing SO WELL and looking fabulous judging from her new profile pic. Another brave sober warrior. Another gorgeous woman who is readjusting to a life that is no longer wine-soaked. She said in her message "I know it is going to be an ongoing thing but I am determined to stay strong!"
Hooray for her! Yes it is an ongoing thing.. we have to live alcohol free in a world that is awash with booze. Never, ever touching the stuff no matter what comes our way. But we choose to do that because it makes us happier, better, stronger, calmer. Insert your own adjectives here. It's all good.
Forgive me if I'm going to sound a bit gushy and all rah-rah-sisterhood-rocks! here … but…
I think all women are brave, fabulous, gorgeous, amazing, vibrant creatures with flames that burn bright and strong inside of us. I think we sometimes forget that we have this incredible life-force.. the ability to love and laugh and cry and bond with our friends and protect our children and nurture our families and give, give, give to the world. We forget, or we get lost along the way, and we find ourselves dousing our flame by pouring copious amounts of booze on top of it. We glug, glug, glug our way through the weeks not realizing how we are self-sabotaging and dulling our core essence.
But the excellent news, I think, is that despite our best boozing efforts the flame never goes out. We can dull it to buggery by boozing like mad women but it. will. not. go. out. It burns away still.. waiting for the day when we dig deep, grit our teeth, make a firm decision and stop drinking. From that moment on our flame, our essence, our power, our light, our strength, our AWESOMENESS just grows and grows and grows. Our strength, hope and love grows brighter and more vibrant from that point on.
Oh yes it does.
And herein endith the rant.
Love, Mrs D xxx
I think if I'd still been boozing I'd probably have gone. Even though I would have had the same underlying feelings (it's not my gang, can't be bothered) I would have gone and gotten amongst it and gotten boozed and had a fair-to-middling time. Only fair-to-middling because the underlying truth would still have been there (it's not my gang, can't be bothered) and no amount of booze would have changed that.
So I suppose you could say I didn't go because I'm sober. That doesn't mean I didn't go because I wasn't going to be drinking and everyone else was. That means I didn't go because it's not my gang and I can't be bothered and now that I'm sober I can make a decision based on those truths.
That's what I was telling myself as I sat on the sofa eating cake anyway.
And as I sat there I received a Facebook message from a friend of mine who lives in another town who has fought the brave fight, dug deep and gotten herself sober. She reaches out from time to time to let me know how she's going and she's doing SO WELL and looking fabulous judging from her new profile pic. Another brave sober warrior. Another gorgeous woman who is readjusting to a life that is no longer wine-soaked. She said in her message "I know it is going to be an ongoing thing but I am determined to stay strong!"
Hooray for her! Yes it is an ongoing thing.. we have to live alcohol free in a world that is awash with booze. Never, ever touching the stuff no matter what comes our way. But we choose to do that because it makes us happier, better, stronger, calmer. Insert your own adjectives here. It's all good.
Forgive me if I'm going to sound a bit gushy and all rah-rah-sisterhood-rocks! here … but…
I think all women are brave, fabulous, gorgeous, amazing, vibrant creatures with flames that burn bright and strong inside of us. I think we sometimes forget that we have this incredible life-force.. the ability to love and laugh and cry and bond with our friends and protect our children and nurture our families and give, give, give to the world. We forget, or we get lost along the way, and we find ourselves dousing our flame by pouring copious amounts of booze on top of it. We glug, glug, glug our way through the weeks not realizing how we are self-sabotaging and dulling our core essence.
But the excellent news, I think, is that despite our best boozing efforts the flame never goes out. We can dull it to buggery by boozing like mad women but it. will. not. go. out. It burns away still.. waiting for the day when we dig deep, grit our teeth, make a firm decision and stop drinking. From that moment on our flame, our essence, our power, our light, our strength, our AWESOMENESS just grows and grows and grows. Our strength, hope and love grows brighter and more vibrant from that point on.
Oh yes it does.
And herein endith the rant.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Making the decision
My sister told me on the phone last night that I was good at making decisions. She was referring to my method of Christmas shopping (fast, no list) compared to hers (lots of forethought and list making). 'I don't find it too much of a stress' I said and she replied 'that's because you're a good decision maker' .. or words to that effect.
I don't know if I am a 'good' decision maker (how do you judge that?) but I'm certainly not afraid to make decisions. In fact I LOVE making decisions.. especially big ones. I think it's always given me a sense of power over my own life and the world in general. I am here! Watch me make my own decisions!
It's such a part of my character that my mum mentioned it in her speech at our wedding. Her exact words (just checked it on the DVD) were "she arrived in the world ready to party, ready to make choices, ready to make decisions".
Ready to party. Well yeah.. we know all about that. Me always chasing the fun! (glug glug glug). Me always looking for things to be upbeat! (glug, glug, glug). Me the good-fun-time-girl! (glug, glug, glug). Me the avoider of uncomfortable and tough emotions (glug, glug, glug).
But then me the party girl starts morphing into me the alcoholic who has no control over her drinking, so suddenly me the decision maker needs to take charge. And make the RIGHT decision, FIRMLY.
I think back to that moment in my kitchen the morning after my last binge. That morning when I was so hungover and so guilty for hiding how much I'd been drinking from Mr D. I was so deeply miserable and felt so stuck and alone in my crazy boozy nightmare, so very desperate for things to change.
It was my personal rock bottom, that morning. And standing there in my dressing gown I made a decision. A firm decision to remove alcohol completely from my life forever. I never did one day at a time. I did "I am now a non-drinker".
And by the way it's not like the decision was made on the spur of the moment - I'd done my research. I'd boozed like a demon for 20 years and spent the last good three or four of those trying desperately to moderate my intake. I knew I was an enthusiastic boozer. I also knew that I could not control the amount I drank.
It was the biggest, scariest decision I have ever made in my life. But while on the one hand it felt utterly monumental and far-fetched, on the other hand it felt exciting and daring. I think from that day (820 days ago) till now I've had this stubborn drive to prove to myself and the world that when I make a decision I stick to it. And I will.
Because really, if you think about it, within all of the swirling complexities that impact on our lives, some things can come down to one simple choice. "I'm taking the alcohol away."
That much we can control.
Love, Mrs D xxx
I don't know if I am a 'good' decision maker (how do you judge that?) but I'm certainly not afraid to make decisions. In fact I LOVE making decisions.. especially big ones. I think it's always given me a sense of power over my own life and the world in general. I am here! Watch me make my own decisions!
It's such a part of my character that my mum mentioned it in her speech at our wedding. Her exact words (just checked it on the DVD) were "she arrived in the world ready to party, ready to make choices, ready to make decisions".
Ready to party. Well yeah.. we know all about that. Me always chasing the fun! (glug glug glug). Me always looking for things to be upbeat! (glug, glug, glug). Me the good-fun-time-girl! (glug, glug, glug). Me the avoider of uncomfortable and tough emotions (glug, glug, glug).
But then me the party girl starts morphing into me the alcoholic who has no control over her drinking, so suddenly me the decision maker needs to take charge. And make the RIGHT decision, FIRMLY.
I think back to that moment in my kitchen the morning after my last binge. That morning when I was so hungover and so guilty for hiding how much I'd been drinking from Mr D. I was so deeply miserable and felt so stuck and alone in my crazy boozy nightmare, so very desperate for things to change.
It was my personal rock bottom, that morning. And standing there in my dressing gown I made a decision. A firm decision to remove alcohol completely from my life forever. I never did one day at a time. I did "I am now a non-drinker".
And by the way it's not like the decision was made on the spur of the moment - I'd done my research. I'd boozed like a demon for 20 years and spent the last good three or four of those trying desperately to moderate my intake. I knew I was an enthusiastic boozer. I also knew that I could not control the amount I drank.
It was the biggest, scariest decision I have ever made in my life. But while on the one hand it felt utterly monumental and far-fetched, on the other hand it felt exciting and daring. I think from that day (820 days ago) till now I've had this stubborn drive to prove to myself and the world that when I make a decision I stick to it. And I will.
Because really, if you think about it, within all of the swirling complexities that impact on our lives, some things can come down to one simple choice. "I'm taking the alcohol away."
That much we can control.
Love, Mrs D xxx
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