So here I am in a new neighbourhood slowly getting to know people. I'm crazy busy all the time going in and out of school, pre-school, the supermarket, the library, the swimming pool, the scout den, the shops, school again, the pool again, sports fields, gyms, rah rah rah. Taxi driver me. The life of a full-time mum.
And I've got some interesting territory to navigate because I am new here and no-one knows me yet, and certainly they don't know my 'secret' that I'm a boozy lush who had to give up the wines a year ago because I was hitting it too hard.
Twice in the last week I've found myself chatting to other mums on the sidelines of various events and they've made comments about drinking. One was on Friday afternoon and the woman I was talking to said something like 'can't wait to get home and have a wine' to which I replied 'I was just thinking how nice that would be' .. because unusually I had just been thinking that it would be nice to get some relief from the stressed out, wrung out feeling I'd had all day. I'd been allowing myself a moment of self-pity that I couldn't escape on a Friday evening with a bloody fucking wine LIKE MOST NORMAL PEOPLE!!!! GGGRRRRRR.......
Sorry about that...
Anyway so she said that to me, and I responded in a way that gave nothing away about my sobriety. Kind of odd but, you know, it wasn't the right time to launch into an explanation.
Then tonight the same thing happened... a different mum on the sidelines of another kid event making a comment to me like 'can't wait to get home and *mimes opening bottle* have a drink!'. She said it in a kind of solidarity-type way, like 'us busy mums we need our wines don't we!!' kind of attitude. Again I decided it wasn't the time nor place to reveal my boozy background so I just sort of laughed out a 'ha ha yeah' kind of response.
One day I'm going to have to come clean. I suppose I'll just judge on a case by case (mum by mum) basis when I'll open up.
I sometimes wonder whether I should worry more that people might gossip about the fact that I'm an alcoholic who doesn't drink, or whether they're going to think that I'm boring because I don't drink, or any number of responses they might have when they discover my deep dark secret.
And then I think who gives a fuck what people think, if they get to know me and like me and if I like them we'll be mates regardless of my relationship with alcohol.
It's just the way it has to be and I refuse to be ashamed (fighting talk).
Love, Mrs D xxx