Monday, September 22, 2014

Report card on the last month...

Made it through the hell month - yay! Mr D flies home today - double yay! I'm really exhausted but happy.

I'll give myself an A for effort and general parenting skills (the odd super-grouchy outburst but overall pretty ok on the dealing-with-little-boys-front)…

An A- for overall mental health.. have kept myself feeling generally positive and good, busy and focused.. at times of stress or sadness or whatever (that emotional malarkey that comes with being a fully alert i.e. sober human being) I've managed my way through ok..

And on the not-drinking score I get an A++++++++++!!!!! I never crave booze, I never have mournful thoughts about what I'm missing out on, I never regret being sober or worry about the rest of my life having no alcohol in it. So BIG UPS to me that I am nailing this living sober thing - YES!

However on the other lifestyle / personal care factors I'm afraid I get a D.

Have gained 2 1/2 kg. Am in a black hole of piggy-dom. Sometimes I just eat toast for lunch. Just 2-3 pieces of toast covered with butter. Thoughts of making a green juice might flicker through my mind and then I just reach for the toast. Chocolate buttons have regularly been finding their way down my throat at night. Any excuse for chips and dip is fine by me. Sometimes in the afternoon I'll just eat 10 rice crackers - buttered. Yes you read that right. I put butter on rice crackers.

It's not been pretty. On the diet front I am seriously struggling. And exercise…. what exercise..? There is none. Other than running up and down to the car and in-and-out of kindy/school/the supermarket/various houses & shops etc I am doing nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

I may have nailed the biggest nasty of all - booze. But I'm no saintly angel gliding around with my lithe body, toned arms, ripped abs and washboard stomach. Shit no. Ha ha far from it. I'm definitely still a work in progress.

I get pissed off because I have a low-grade guilt about my diet (especially sugar) which is very reminiscent of the guilt I carried for so long with my boozing. It's not helped by my Facebook feed being full of 'I Quit Sugar'! recipes and photos of happy smiling slim sugar-free people. And so many bloody newspaper features and magazine articles about sugar and wheat and diet and general terrible-ness we do to our bodies …

It's enough to drive a girl to butter her rice crackers, I'm telling you.

Progress not perfection. Baby steps in the right direction. Go easy on myself.

I've got through this month.. I'm going to give myself a break and feel affectionate toward my extra kg that they helped me get through without killing the children .. and right now I'm going to go make myself a green juice.

Love, Mrs D xxx

25 comments:

  1. I just finished reading your blog from the beginning. As the dates of the entries approached todays, I got that feeling I get when I am nearing the end of a book I've been loving reading, wanting to slow down and go on savoring. The great thing about the blog is that you are still writing it, so I may not be able to binge-read anymore, but I can still enjoy your posts as you publish them. I'm really glad you're still writing even though your book is finished and nearly out.

    Sorry you're having such a tough time of it with food. I think it's impossible to have ALL the spheres in our life working functionally at once. At least it is for me -- if I'm doing great at work and with my eating and exercising, then I'm snapping at my kids or letting the house go to pot. If the house is neat and I'm spending lots of quality time with my kids then I'm not making time for my writing. If I'm in "flow" with my writing, kicking ass and taking names at work, and being SuperMom, then I'm steering clear of the gym for weeks at a stretch and eating double meat burgers instead of salmon and spinach.

    As you said, Mrs D, progress not perfection. Baby steps.

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  2. I thought I was the only one who butters rice crackers!

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  3. Mrs D.....you've made it through a very stressful month unscathed and you're still top of the AF class. Your on line community is VERY proud of you. I'm a 55 year old bloke who hopes one day to look down and not see a protruding, slightly receding beer gut/belly - one day! My only advice as a parent of three grown up boys (23,21 and 19) is make the most of them when they are smaller and growing up. I so miss those times. Get your positive self-image back on! Just think, you could be like me- I took a selfie to put on my avatar but it frightened me to death! Last time I went to barbers for a haircut I fancied having it all shaved off - shinny head - real fit looking. The barber said to me I wouldn't do that if I were you and when I asked why he told me u would look like Uncle Fester off the Adams family!!! So best foot forward and keep the positive vibes coming. CaptainB

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  4. You're amazing Mrs. D, simply amazing.

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  5. Well done Mrs D. Day 84 for me and you have helped me so much. First month I got into the help books big time.. and now thank god I have this your blog and the sober living blog. Yes I am happy to be sober. My husband is so proud of me and can't believe my willpower. I love heading to bed not sober and not waking seedy. and..... the odd night I can't nod off (as my brain is buzzing with to much chatter) I head downstairs and jump on line to our community and Tara. Wonderful!!!!! Thank you. You have to know you are a very special person. Regards to you Lotta.

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    1. oops I meant heading to bed sober. hehe

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  6. Hey Mrs.D,

    You made it-awesome!

    While you may be lamenting the arrival of a mere 2.5kg of cuddliness, no doubt Mr.D will be thrilled! A wee weight gain like that only makes the girly bits look better :) enjoy that while it lasts cos a few weeks could make those extra curves melt away....

    Hugs,
    Penny xx

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  7. Your last paragraph says it all. Now to readjust the routine with Dad back in the house. You probably both need a big time out! Together and without little people - I hope you manage it.x

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  8. Hope I don't sound like I'm trying to 'one up' you Lotta, but I like my 'toast' to be fried and when I go to McDonald's I like dunking chips in my milkshake. None of that's as bad as the drunken 3am fry-ups I used to make myself though. They were horrendous!

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  9. Hey, I hear you about the sugar thing. Alcohol, caffeine and sugar are my big three things. I can get a handle on 2 of them at a time but all 3 at once? Not there yet. (I'm very proud of my now 72 days sober thanks to you though) It's like that Whack-a-mole game at the fair where you hit them on the head and push them down into the hole and then they pop up out of another hole.

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  10. Love that Whack-a-mole analogy, funny as!
    Mrs D my latest sober snack is vitawheats with butter and that yummy Pic's peanut butter, with a red star on a black lid. YUM!!
    By the way I would be worried if you were any more perfect than you already are! You are truly a very bright and shining STAR!!

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  11. Mrs D , I am exactly the same as you re food and lack of exercise. I always need to have a crutch when I feel life is hard. If the worst you have done during your husband 's absence is put on 2.5 kilos, then that is fantastic. I am exactly the same when my husband is away for long periods of time. When I read your post, my heart goes out to you. I want to beg you to be kind and show compassion to yourself. However, when it is me writing a similar diary entry, I am HORRID, HORRID to myself. Why are we like this ? We need to try harder to be our own best friend.

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  12. Why are you so tough on yourself lovely Lotta? Don't know if this might help, but she does for food what you help people do with booze: http://isabelfoxenduke.com/ :) xx

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  13. love your writing - you crack me up - so helpful with this subject matter to inject some humor :-) When you are ready it will happen for you. I have recently lost about 4 kg and feel friggen awesome, like battling the booze this takes work

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  14. Good on you Mrs D, you did it.
    I loved reading that you don't mourn alcohol, don't miss it or crave it or grieve that you will never have it again. Really gives me hope that by hanging in here I will make it to that state also. I'm into the 80's now of days alcohol removed and I still do moments of missing it or really wanting it and making a decision to have a drink. I don't and I haven't. and mostly I strongly believe I won't.
    But.................................as for the crap food and sugar and shit, Well Hello My name is Breezi and I am a V junk food aholic. The guilt I feel and the number I do on myself is the same as when I was drinking. Not a nice place to be. Hell I managed to successfully stop drinking so don't get why it's so hard to eat better.
    Really good post Mrs D, I think the biggest thing I got from it is that I'm not alone in feeling like this, that it's a fairly normal state of being [normal is so changeable thankfully] and that others feel this way.
    Like someone said to me recently, this to will pass.
    Have a great sober week and enjoy having your family all back together.

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  15. I love reading that you don't mourn alcohol too. Still early days for me, but it's great to have someone give you hope. I usually put on a few kg over winter and the gym card sits unloved in the glove box of my car. I hoped that I wouldn't put weight on, seeing as I'm not drinking, but I have let my diet slide. I buy all the salad goodies, and then don't get motivated to put them together. Spring is a great time to pull yourself together, however. At my early stage, I worry that letting anything slide and not taking care of myself could lead me to that "what the hell" mentality that starts me drinking again. So it's time for an inner spring clean.

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  16. Congratulations! That is such a marvelous achievement. Some people would think that staying sober is just a matter of habit and routine, but that is what's difficult about it. Some people tend to be hardwired to a pre-set routine based on a lot of tics and tendencies that they have accumulated and accrued. It's quite another to re-write that and replace it with another one that purges alcohol in your life. It's a process, it's a tough one, which is why being able to do that is an achievement. More marks for your score card, and yes, that should be graded. All the best! :)

    Donnie Benson @ Midwest Institute for Addiction

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  17. I have almost finished your book, that I didn't know existed untill I found it in Whitcoulls in Auckland, I loved the title, and that was it I was hooked... a constant evening wino myself... I now see that book as my bible of salvation to a better me... as to food glorious food... we can't all be perfect. Thank you for the inspiration.... keep on keep on keep on.... writing! :)

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  18. Funny, I logged into my own blog tonight with the view of updating it with my thoughts on exercise. Then I saw you had updated and popped over for a visit. Interesting, because when I was thinking about what I wanted to write about exercise, I was thinking that the absolute hardest time in my life to exercise was when I was at home with my daughter (and I only have the one). It's a really really tough time to make it happen. You've done amazing with the booze, you've helped lots of us change our lives ... keep on reminding yourself that you are amazing. And the exercise thing, well fuck, it's hard right now. You'll get to it - but do't beat yourself up xx

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  19. So glad you didn't kill the children! That would have been an F+ for sure. You made it through a difficult month, so go on girl, butter those rice cakes!!

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  20. butter on rice cakes? OMG I must try that! Your post made me smile, laugh and connect with you! perfect! Glad hubby is home & safe! Hugs!

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  21. After months of reading your blog, I've only just worked out how to leave a comment! Thanks for inspiring and supporting me. You're amazing. Annie x

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  22. Hell Mrs. D.
    I stumbled across your blog and really enjoy it very much. I found it in a link from another sobriety blog, but can't remember which one. I have gone back to the beginning, and am working my way through all the posts. I like your straightforward 'do-it-yourself' approach. Thanks so much for sharing your journey. I am currently 22 days sober, and also a 'do-it-yourself-er'. I just don't think that AA is really my thing. I don't really care for the whole 'helpless against alcohol' thing, I believe in owning my own Power to make good decisions. (Although, I am totally supportive of anyone for whom it works. No sir, no AA bashing here, just talking about my journey.) So, I am reading lots of blogs and books. I also started my own blog, to help keep myself accountable. (Although no one is reading it yet! I still enjoy writing it.) It is at LoveLaughterSobriety.com in case anyone wants to stop by.

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  23. Munching gingernuts as I read this.Maybe we women will always beat ourselves up for something.Bet it's great to have your man home at last.You won't be that unfit with kids to run around after and keep you busy.Cleaning and washing are unending.

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  24. 38 days in to sober living, inspired by you and your incredible journey. Be gentle on yourself, a few kg does nothing to change your beautiful soul :-)

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