I've got that familiar feeling of life ebbing and flowing and I'm really appreciating experiencing all of it all the time raw … living sober is soooooo utterly fantastic.
Shit happens, I get through it, an easy patch happens, I slide through it, some more shit happens, I get through it, sleep is bad, I deal with it, sleep gets good again, I love it, shit happens, I get through it, things go smoothly for a while, I love it….. this is sober life.
And I always know what's going on. I don't get confused. I'm alert to things because my brain is never blurred. It's still gob-smacking to me the impact my habitual boozing had on my overall experience of life. Because I was high-functioning you wouldn't necessarily think the regular brain-bending was impacting me so greatly. But it was!
Taking the booze away has had a profound impact on my overall experience of life.
It's so freaking amazing. It's TOTES AMAZEBALLS!!!!!!!!!! A newspaper in NZ had that saying on their 'Going Down' list on the weekend.. meaning it's not cool at all and shouldn't be used. Dumb judgmental too-cool-for-school newspaper journalists being snippy about sayings that aren't hurting anyone. Totes Amazeballs!!!!! I'm not too cool for school! If I want to say 'Totes Amazeballs' instead of 'Totally Amazing' then I will!!!!! In caps no less with far too many exclamation marks!!
SOBRIETY IS TOTES AMAZEBALLS!!!!!!!!
The biggest thing is the calming down. When I was boozing I was always reaching, reacting or moving somehow to do something to cope (usually in the direction of a wine or 3..). It was kind of frantic head-whipping way of living.
Quick I feel pain - do something!! (something that takes me away from the feeling i.e. drink)
Quick I feel sad - do something!! (something that takes me away from the feeling i.e. drink)
Quick I feel angry - do something!! (something that takes me away from the feeling i.e. drink)
And it worked the other way too...
Quick I feel happy - do something! (something that 'enhances' the feeling i.e. drink)
Quick I feel celebratory - do something! (something that 'enhances' the feeling i.e. drink)
Quick I feel proud - do something! (something that 'enhances' the feeling i.e. drink)
Alcohol doesn't 'take away' or 'enhance'. It numbs.
Now I don't drink I'm never numb to these feelings. I fully experience them. With the tough ones I get a sort of weary (calm) resignation that there is nothing that can be done, so I trudge through the pain/sadness/anger knowing that it will pass by. And it always does. And with the good ones - happiness/celebration/pride - I feel them so much more! My happiness is pure, my pride is real, my celebrations are amazing, it's cool!
Drinking away the bad also meant drinking away the good. And you can't do that. You can't selectively numb emotion.
Brene Brown is big on this.. she says "To fully experience positive emotions, we have to be open to our negative emotions. We have to resist the urge to numb ourselves and cultivate the ability to be vulnerable without feeling compelled to protect ourselves. We have to develop a sense of comfort with our discomfort."
I think that's what getting sober has done for me. It's led me to develop a sense of comfort with my discomfort.
Hallelujah. I'm telling you… it's totes amazeballs, and I am deeply profoundly grateful to be living this way now.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Nice Mrs D :-)
ReplyDeleteAmazeballs, indeed! I'm with you on this, Mrs D, and with Brene Brown, too. Sometimes it feels like too much navel-gazing to be dealing with all this feeling stuff. But it's like you say, if you just feel what you feel instead of escaping it all the time, then there's much less need to be caught in it. Only it's not always pretty or easy, and it takes getting used to that. Anyway, lovely to hear you feeling great and comfortable in your own discomfort. Big hug to you! xo
ReplyDeleteI have this half-formed idea that my sobriety is like a gift that I carry around with me. And while it's beautiful it's also fragile like an ornamental egg and there are plenty of people who want to take it away from me. It gives me great pleasure but I have to be constantly vigilant and careful not to drop it or let someone else break it... Now that I've had it, held it and experienced life with it I'm not sure I could go back to life without it.
ReplyDeleteReally interesting image Mr Tea. I love the idea of it being treasured - Mrs D certainly ensures that is emphasised, not the dull sad, OMG I'm missing out.
DeleteMr. Tea this is such a wonderful analogy. I am printing it and keeping it to remind myself not to let anyone take away this beautiful gift that I have given myself.
DeleteI love this too and used it as the basis of a post on Living Sober.. Check it out www.livingsober.org.nz you have to click on 'Mrs D's Blog' ... It's called 'What does your egg look like?' Xxx
DeleteI think that's the point really; that you're not living without anything when you stop drinking alcohol, it's only when you are drinking that you are living without- without yourself basically- letting alcohol take the reigns and do all the thinking and talking for you.
DeleteOf course you miss that, you miss being able to just sit in the passenger seat while the booze drives you around everywhere and you can just put your feet up and look at the scenery. But it's a falsity, a hostage situation. The trip may seem agreeable to begin with but sooner or later you realize you're being taken somewhere you don't want to go. And then it's tough; you've got to wrestle back the controls and if you manage that then you've got to try to figure out how this blessed contraption called you works. Probably the last time you were behind the wheel was many years ago and a whole heap's changed since then....you've got older but you haven't got wiser. You're frozen at the emotional age of the day you started drinking but on the outside you're much older. Society assumes a certain maturity but in reality you're a hopelessly lost child, wandering around inside yourself calling out for help. The understatement of the year is that it's hard to quit drinking: it's fucking hard, but you're not missing out on life when you stop drinking...it can take some time to adjust to sober life and you may have to take drastic measures which feel like deprivations but the bigger picture is that you gain an awful lot. You gain you.
I am totally using totes amazballs
ReplyDeleteSo true! It took me a long time to see I was missing life with all that "numbing and celebrating"
ReplyDeleteI agree Mrs D - it is so comforting to know that the shit happens and we can sanely get through it. I had a crap day on the weekend and I just wondered to myself whether I could just let my body feel what it felt like without freaking out. I did feel it; I didn't freak out; it passed.. and I didn't do anything insane to get through it - like drinking or having a spaz at someone.
ReplyDeleteGetting and being sober is so incredibly precious to me and I couldn't do it without the support of blogs like yours and podcasts like the Bubble Hour.
Really love this & so identify. I have always rushed away from difficulty or into quickly trying to solve, & thought forget that awfulness or difficulty with a wine. Until stopping it completely, I would never have believed I wasn't thinking deeply, & pausing to reflect. Having no escape route is very interesting, & challenging.
ReplyDeleteExcellent post Mrs D. SmileyFaceForYou. Totes Amazeballs for sure! And bugger those people that say it isn't cool to say this or that!
ReplyDeleteBeing sober is TOTES AMAZEBALLS! Every sober day for me is a great day (even if it's shit day) because I haven't drunk. Like you, I drank to deal with those pesky feeling and it is a quick solution, but it doesn't last. Every year I'm sober I remind myself that I'm so lucky that I can live life as it really is. Let's share the love TOTES!
ReplyDeleteOnce a sober blog lurker, this compelling post has now made me a commenter...you got me Mrs D. The penny has dropped. Thank you.X.
ReplyDeleteHa! Me too! I just posted my first post a few minutes ago. I really enjoy Mrs. D's blog, it has made me feel like I am not alone. Tried the AA route but was not for me.
DeleteLove your posts Mrs D
DeleteCarl Jung said of an alcoholic patient
"his power for alcohol was the equivalent, at a low level, of the spiritual thirst for our being of wholeness" and I thought of that in your post - in reaching for the wine we sought a moments calm - a peace of perfect stillness that was always accessible through other routes - but we found that one the quickest.
Thanks for all the inspiration x
I totally get you mrs. D. I think what your talking about here, like so many times before, is basically about life; dealing with our emotions on a day to day level. For example, I find living with my husband most of the time quite stressful and anxiety inducing. Nothing new there, we've been together for 40 plus years and we clash. He constantly says things to hurt me, I'm not sure if he realizes this, or knows or cares, annoy, irritate me. Now, if I drank on all of that I would be perpetually drunk from morning till night. Of course, we cannot live like that, so the British way of life is on the weekends we go down the pub/bar/restaurant/friends house/dinner party, etc, etc and drink. Loads. Well that's the problem, we say "I've had a hard week. Kids driving me mad/husband I want to beat over the head/boss at work driving me crazy, etc etc. But what if the alcohol doesn't work any more. What if, like me, you wake up with still the exact same problems, anxieties but worse because now you have to deal with the tortuous hangover, which for me would continue through sat till midweek!!!! So what does one use to deal with life's problems and irritations/anxieties??? Here is my turmoil. Or, perhaps we just have to do what my mum would say and "grin & bear it" or "have a nice cup of tea".
ReplyDeleteHi Mrs D, Great blog!!! I'm just humming along nicely at the moment as well. I have even not needed to sit down and have a sugary drink at 5.30. I love I can click back into this blog. S.D.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy your blog Mrs D but think Amazeballs sucks the latter ! Sorry I prefer Amazing
ReplyDeleteHi, I have been reading your blog for about two hours now, I have been trying, since march to stop drinking and can go about a month until a social occasion arises and I just give in, thinking I am a normal drinker then I am back to square one! Any advice anyone?
ReplyDeleteHi anonymous.. my advice is go to www.livingsober.org.nz and register to become a member, it's free and you can remain anonymous.. then start talking to others just like you in the "Members Feed".. you won't believe what a powerful space it is and I promise you will gain much strength from sharing with others on there. You are not alone in this battle with the bottle.. xxxx
ReplyDeleteThank you, at this moment I could cry, I went out and had just a few then couldn't stop but I know I do and say stupid stuff that upset others and that's what I think I have done again,these panic attacks are awful. When I don't drink I really do feel on top of the world! Thank you so much for your blog I had such a good read last night and feeling a little more positive xx
ReplyDeleteI am on Day One and it's nearly 7 pm. Kind of a Birthday present to my long suffering partner. I'm also Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder so one may say I have good reason to tipple, but I must say that it amplifies my symptoms in a truly epic manner whereas otherwise I'm usually fine. Wish me luck, I think I'm going to need it.
ReplyDeleteCome on people, don't let social stigma get in the way of lending me a hand. People affected by Mental Illness are well and truly over-represented in substance abuse. Check out the stats if you don't believe me. We ALL need help with this.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I made it through Day one...
ReplyDeleteBrene is awesome! And so are you, I'm 3/4 of the way through your book. I'm not sober, but you give me hope that I might one day try and succeed at it.
ReplyDelete