Boredom: I have strange patches of boredom where I feel 'itchy' and a bit directionless. Just odd moments in the day which I scramble to fill. I used to say that I drank because I was bored… but I don't think this 'boredom' I experience is actually boredom. I think it's a restlessness or 'hole' inside me that I need to fill spiritually. I tend to work towards filling it nowadays with work on the computer or watching TV. I would like to become more peaceful inside and be able to fill it with quiet contemplation or gardening or book reading or just sitting. OMG - meditation?! Have never quite managed that one. Would really appreciate suggestions if anyone has any good apps or programs they follow or books they've read that started them on meditation.
Anger: I am definitely more angry now that I am sober. Mostly it comes out when I am parenting, which isn't nice but kids are like divining rods - if there's anger to be found they'll find it. My anger when it does come is swift and furious and very focused on what the thing is I'm angry about. Then it passes. So it's not confusing for anyone (myself included). I don't hold grudges or stay moody for hours on end, and we always end the day lovingly. I'd like to control my anger flashes, but they don't involve violence, only occasionally the odd swearword! I'll keep working on this one.
Sadness: This sucks. Grief especially sucks. I just feel the sadness and figure there's not much to be done about it except acknowledge it and honor it and tell myself I can't get through life not being sad, especially if I love lots of people. If it's really lingering I work to input positive thoughts and that works well. I have my gratitude bowl that I put a wee note into when I feel like it - that's really nice.
Joy & Contentment: I am really aware of these things when they come and I appreciate them 100% and embrace them fully! I love when I get hit with happy endorphins or have a moment when I realise I feel really calm and happy. I treasure these moments and store them up, because I know the other things will come up and take centre stage (see above). Music gives me much pleasure, as does cooking and homemaking. Being with my family when we are just being a crazy bunch of personalities experiencing life together.
Pride: I live with an ever-present low-grade pride in myself for what I have done in getting sober. It's not a big-headedness. I don't think I'm better or more special than any other sober person (or any other person who isn't sober for that matter!) but in terms of my relationship with myself I am proud of what I have achieved. I'm also regularly incredibly proud and heart-warmed by other people who are working hard on themselves and getting sober - people on our website or who comment here, on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or via email (I am so lucky that I get to interact with lots of people via various forums). I think any person who works hard to get sober and heal themselves emotionally is brave and amazing.
Brave and amazing, brave and amazing, brave and amazing, brave and amazing. If you are working hard to get booze out of your life and heal yourself emotionally, then you are brave and amazing.
Love, Mrs D xxx