I don't want to jinx myself but I'm wondering whether maybe finally I have turned a wee corner with regards my food 'treats' and 'rewards' (which were actually crappy punishments). Mr D has been away for two whole weeks and it's the school holidays - usually this would send me into a spiral of boozing (prior to four years ago) or sugar/fat (last four years).. as I got tireder as the days went on I would fall farther into the hole of destructive behaviour which would have me feeling totally BLAH by the end of it.
But this time - one day to go! - I have made a real effort and have resisted falling into that hole. I've been having the odd bit of sugar, buttered toast or chips 'n dip but nothing crazy. And I'm feeling good! Tired but good.
The significant thing is that my inner voice.. my thought processes.. have changed. I haven't had to white knuckle/resist the crap .. my thoughts lately have been "that isn't yum, it will make me feel yukky" or "don't believe that's a treat, it's just a hunk of shit". This is a big difference from the "Mmmmm that is a big delicious treat that I deserve" that I used to always think. BIG DIFFERENCE.
It hasn't been hard. That's the significant shift. It's like I'm finally re-wiring myself to see those foods not as treats to be savoured but actually nasty crap that isn't my friend or good for me.
Maybe finally all the reading I've been doing about sugar and all the docos I've been watching on Netflix (Fed Up is really good) are finally getting inside my brain.
Like I say, I don't want to jinx myself.. but I can feel a subtle shift inside of me. Like I am evolving in this area. At long last!!!!!!!! There has been a subtle but noticeable shift.
I'll stay on top of this and will keep being honest. If I fall back into a hole of acting 'alcoholically' with my sugary/fatty foods and start up the same dysfunctional and isolating behaviours around them.. then I will fess up.
But for now I am proud of myself.
The free online Mindfulness Summit that I am partaking of and LOVING (and blogging about daily here) has also helped I'm sure.
Jeepers sometimes I can't believe who I am turning into!!!!!!!!!!! But I don't care because it just makes me feel so good. Calm and connected and good. Loving my new sober life. Love, love, loving it. So, so, so, so pleased that I got sober. Can't say that enough. So, so, so, so pleased that I took that shit booze away.
Love, Mrs D xxx