This: "People used to think I was so strong but in reality I was dulling everything with alcohol."
And this: "Every one praised me for how strong I was but in reality I was just a coward and tried to escape the raw feelings."
And this: "Like others I simply drank my way through my grief originally and was praised for being strong when I was anything but."
We all probably look at people who seem to be "holding it together" and think they are doing well, and look at people who are "falling apart" and think they are doing it hard… but the truth is we just don't know how people are doing really.
My lovely friend Sue said the other morning that she thinks sitting somewhere in the middle of "utterly devastated" and "coping marvelously" is probably the natural way to deal with grief. Sometimes crying and deeply sad, other times feeling calm and at peace with the loss.
But who fucking know what is the 'best' way to deal with grief. Is there a best way? Is anyone judging? Is there a grief competition that we are all taking part in at one time or another?
No. We each deal with it how we deal with it.
I choose to deal with it raw.
My beloved step-father just died about one hour ago. He was a kind, generous, warm, giving, unassuming, lovely man who had been in my life for 22 years.
An hour ago I was sobbing and went through fifty tissues. Now I'm calm and typing on the computer. Tomorrow I get on a plane to be with my family.
Sorry this is not very Christmassy but this is life and I am feeling the winds of change.
And by the way. I am so fucking glad that I am sober.
Love, Mrs D xxx