Thursday, March 2, 2017

All the complications of the world....

Sometimes I look at my boys rattling around the kitchen being noisy and cheeky and can't quite believe that they're going to be men one day. Big grown men looking after their own lives and families.

And I get this swelling in my chest and I fill with overwhelming emotion. A whole heap of love, a bit of fear (will everything turn out alright?), some guilt (why did we have that massive fight about salami yesterday?), sadness (they won't be living with me forever), and finally happiness and contentment (look what I have right in front of me right now).

Oh my goodness just started crying while I typed this. Emotional me. I am very emotional nowadays!

Everything since I stopped drinking booze has been about my feelings. About how they were squashed under concrete following years of boozing. About how they burst out of me with overwhelming intensity when I first got sober. About how I struggle to deal with them as my alcohol-free life goes on. 

Sometimes I hate my feelings and think they suck balls. Sometimes I find them really intense and lovely like the ones I'm feeling for my sons right now. I'm actually typing this standing in the kitchen with 20 minutes to go until we head out the door. They are playing Moana songs and singing along and making bread rolls and practicing scooter tricks and playing with the dog and chatting to each other. And here I am in the corner middle aged, sober, lumpy and bursting with feelings. 

I am such a hyper-emotional and super-sensitive person nowadays. Maybe I have always been this sensitive and my drinking was to dull things and make them manageable? I cry watching sentimental television programmes or hearing sad stories on the news. I feel very acutely when nerves are creating butterflies in my tummy or stress tightens my chest. I respond strongly when any raw emotion is expressed by another person in front of me (even if they're on the tele).   

I'm not complaining. I'm up for the challenge of a hyper-emotional life, warts and all. I'm up for the challenge of sobriety - have been since day one and now at day 2004 I'm just as game. 

As Sarah Hepola said in her brilliant book 'Blackout'; "Sobriety is full throttle. No earplugs. No safe distance. Everything at its highest volume. All the complications of the world, vibrating your sternum."

Yes indeed. All the complications of the world. The pain of loss, the shards of disappointment, the rays of hope, the satisfaction of success, the delight in being understood, and the glory of connection.

And the brilliance of a 10-year-old boy who just farted and blamed it on the dog.

Time to stop being sentimental and get these boys to school....

Love, Mrs D xxx

9 comments:

  1. I haven't commented here for ages!!! : ) ..............there were several times today I could of got mad.... a car undertook me and tooted at me even though I was going the speed limit.... there was a massive queue in the supermarket and then the woman waiting behind me jumped in when they opened a new checkout, even though she'd only just got there and I had to wait another ten minutes..... both times though I just tried to rationalize that these people acted the way they did out of ignorance or insensitivity not out of malice or ill will..... so yeah, I think the world needs more sensitive people.... I doubt you would ever act that way Mrs D.... : )

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  2. Wow! What a super gorgeous amazing post this is. I love it.
    Brenda and I both want to tell you that even when we are 60 and our sons are 29, we still worry. Even this week we have both had big concerns about our sons and how they are coping emotionally with some stuff that's going down (separately) for each of them. They've both bounced back now and all is well. But no matter where they live and what they do we are always Mums and that will never change. xo

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  3. I just did a long post and accidentally lost it and that sucks! Anyway, I'm not going to retype it all again. But it did help me to get it all out, even if it's just me who saw it �� Thank you so much for your blog. You are helping so many people. Six weeks sober today. Still in pink cloud mode. Wish me luck. Ok, let's see if I can publish this one.

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    1. Congratulations on 6 weeks - you're a star

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  4. Mrs D. You are an awesome Mum. Even in your lowest, most tear filled moment, you are stronger than alcohol & that is a pretty amazing person to have being your Mum. Being alcohol free means you can feel all the love and joy and pain and fear and pride and amazement and everything in between that being a loving parent brings. You get to be present in each moment of that, with them. Its a sodding roller coaster, but it is the best ride (so I'm learning - I used to think I was the 'fun' Mum - wine in hand, but now I'm the great Mum, cup of tea nearby - you helped me get here Mrs D. Thank you doesn't sum it up). Sending you much love and respect, from one Mum to another.

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  5. A life worth living
    All we need do is show up
    Thank you Mrs D xx

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  6. Lovely post Mrs. D.

    Sobriety is all that you described, I agree. Thanks for the book recommendation. There is no more holding off emotions, or tucking them away. It is all in our face, right now, and intense. So beautiful the way you described it. Have a great weekend.

    -Mark

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  7. I am always so happy when I read your posts.
    I had a bad bout of depression, crying, and being hyper emotional too.
    It makes me know I am not alone.
    We are human.
    xo
    Wendy

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