I'm getting much better at handling my anger outbursts. I'm not saying I don't ever have them - they do come - but much more often now I am able to stay calm and somewhat 'zen' when I'm being pushed, pushed, pushed by my grumpy offspring.
It's the parenting that really pushes my anger button. I never seem to get angry at random things like other motorists or broken things or annoying people on the radio ... but parenting ... it can push me into previously uncharted emotional waters!
Of course as a mum I also experience ridiculous amounts of love and devotion and protection and pride and all of that. But anger.. yeah .. that's the quite intense one.
When I first got sober I had some spectacular outbursts.. but slowly I learnt that screaming at the kids didn't actually achieve much other than make them scream back at me even louder. And slowly I learned that keeping myself low and level worked much better at defusing their outbursts. I find now (when I am managing to control myself) I go into this weird 'zen' mode when I'm almost on a go-slow not responding to their outbursts. It's very disempowering for them and things settle down much more quickly.
And when I decide the fight is over I move very quickly act all easy-breezy and loving again to try to make it easier for them to come out of their bad mood. Because I figure I'm the adult so I have to show emotional management because goodness knows at ages 11, 9 & 6 their emotional management skills are very underdeveloped.
THANK GOODNESS I GOT SOBER!!!!!!!!!
Honestly - with so many tough parenting years to come (the teenage years - 'shudder') the more clever I am at controlling myself in the midst of their turmoil the better.
Anyway.. we are nearing the end of our long, long summer holidays. I've got an extra kid here today so have been surrounded by 4 young boys all day and it's hot, they're tired, they're sick of each other (my sons especially), and the bickering has been intense. But I've managed to (so far) stop myself from completely losing my rag.
I've been placating, negotiating, feeding, watering, entertaining, exercising, monitoring and generally parenting young lads without too much angst. And now it's 5pm and because I don't drown myself in wine every evening (like I used to) I am going to make myself a nice cold soda water instead. With ice and a slice. Because I'm worth it.
And here's hoping the zen approach stays with me til bedtime...
Love, Mrs D xxx
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Monday, January 18, 2016
A post about camping, and sugar....
Just back from a week camping - 7 nights on an airbed! Not for the faint hearted. But actually it was lovely and relaxing. The kids had complete breaks from their screens and rode their bikes around the campsite making friends. Mr D played cricket with them and read books and played his guitar and swam and went running, and I read books, swam in the sea, pottered around our campsite (because pottering around my 'home' is what I love to do best, I am very much a housewife!) and generally we all had a nice break away from our house. We played lots of board games and card games too.
I didn't have a complete break from the screen because I never take a break from running Living Sober. I had my iPad and checked in a couple of times a day - keeping an eye on the Members Feed (our scrolling real-time communication space) and answering emails from people who were having trouble registering. The site is still very busy and humming along nicely - such a warm, kind and supportive community.
I didn't miss drinking while we were camping. Mr D had the odd beer but not much. We had some friends join us for a few nights and they're hardly boozers either. Most nights we all went to bed (kids included) when the sun went down which was around 9.30-10pm. I wondered whether if I was still boozing I'd be more likely to sit up having 'adult' time drinking wine and chatting? Quite possibly. But I'm not sad I don't do that any more. I am very content with my sober life.
Lovely waking up in the morning with the birds chirping, the sound of the sea nearby and the odd person wandering around the campsite. I'd light our portable stove, boil the jug and make myself a mug of green tea - sit in a deckchair and contemplate the surroundings.
I'll admit I did have some guilt over my chocolate consumption while away - which came hot on the heels of my piggy Christmas period at home - so now I am on a juice fast.
Who am I kidding I'm not on a juice fast. I could never do a juice fast. I tried the 5:2 diet once and it didn't work for me AT ALL (the days I fasted were hell and the other days I just pigged out even more than usual).
Sometimes I feel like a complete failure as a person because I can't get on top of my food (particularly sugar) and wouldn't it be good if I could be as good an advocate for a sugar-free lifestyle as I am for a booze-free lifestyle? But fuck me I just can't get on top of it for any considerable length of time. I'm all or nothing. Off the sugar completely for a while or just on it like a madwoman.
At least I can draw some comfort in knowing I'm not alone in this - seems to me like loads of people also battle with sugar. I read an article with Marian Keyes in a women's mag while camping and it could have been written by me - I could SO relate. Here's a snippet "I’m an all-or-nothing person. There’s no such thing as ‘just the one’; I’m a binger, so sugar and I can never ‘just be friends’."
I hear you Marian, I hear you.
Anyhoo, I've no choice but to forge ahead reminding myself constantly how brave and amazing I am for not drinking alcohol ever, I'll try to make myself lots of lovely green juices, I'll dig deep to resist sugar cravings knowing that after 3 days they are greatly reduced (and will have to remember not to dip my toe in again!), and life will go on. Yes it will and it's ok really.
Really, it's ok.
Love, Mrs D xxx
I didn't have a complete break from the screen because I never take a break from running Living Sober. I had my iPad and checked in a couple of times a day - keeping an eye on the Members Feed (our scrolling real-time communication space) and answering emails from people who were having trouble registering. The site is still very busy and humming along nicely - such a warm, kind and supportive community.
I didn't miss drinking while we were camping. Mr D had the odd beer but not much. We had some friends join us for a few nights and they're hardly boozers either. Most nights we all went to bed (kids included) when the sun went down which was around 9.30-10pm. I wondered whether if I was still boozing I'd be more likely to sit up having 'adult' time drinking wine and chatting? Quite possibly. But I'm not sad I don't do that any more. I am very content with my sober life.
Lovely waking up in the morning with the birds chirping, the sound of the sea nearby and the odd person wandering around the campsite. I'd light our portable stove, boil the jug and make myself a mug of green tea - sit in a deckchair and contemplate the surroundings.
I'll admit I did have some guilt over my chocolate consumption while away - which came hot on the heels of my piggy Christmas period at home - so now I am on a juice fast.
Who am I kidding I'm not on a juice fast. I could never do a juice fast. I tried the 5:2 diet once and it didn't work for me AT ALL (the days I fasted were hell and the other days I just pigged out even more than usual).
Sometimes I feel like a complete failure as a person because I can't get on top of my food (particularly sugar) and wouldn't it be good if I could be as good an advocate for a sugar-free lifestyle as I am for a booze-free lifestyle? But fuck me I just can't get on top of it for any considerable length of time. I'm all or nothing. Off the sugar completely for a while or just on it like a madwoman.
At least I can draw some comfort in knowing I'm not alone in this - seems to me like loads of people also battle with sugar. I read an article with Marian Keyes in a women's mag while camping and it could have been written by me - I could SO relate. Here's a snippet "I’m an all-or-nothing person. There’s no such thing as ‘just the one’; I’m a binger, so sugar and I can never ‘just be friends’."
I hear you Marian, I hear you.
Anyhoo, I've no choice but to forge ahead reminding myself constantly how brave and amazing I am for not drinking alcohol ever, I'll try to make myself lots of lovely green juices, I'll dig deep to resist sugar cravings knowing that after 3 days they are greatly reduced (and will have to remember not to dip my toe in again!), and life will go on. Yes it will and it's ok really.
Really, it's ok.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Friday, January 8, 2016
"Are you REALLY happy being sober?"
Wow the stats on this blog have gone nuts! I'm getting double the number of hits that I used to every day (hundreds and hundreds more). Must be the time of year. Living Sober is also incredibly busy - our membership is growing rapidly! This will also partly be due to the fact that the NZ Drug Foundation are running ads for the site on Facebook.
I'm also getting loads more emails than usual .. from people who are reaching out for the first time wanting help with registering at Living Sober, or just saying kind things to me, or asking for help and guidance.
I received one email which simply asked "Is it true that you are happy being sober and it isn't a lifelong struggle? I can't even imagine my life without alcohol"
Here is what I sent in reply....
Hi, yes it is true that I am happy not drinking and don't feel worried/miserable that I won't touch alcohol ever again. And I KNOW that must sound unreal to you because I can so remember not believing that could be possible myself when I was stuck in the booze trap.
It is hard bloody work breaking free from booze but you must know that it CAN BE DONE (sorry for the liberal use of caps!). Lots and lots and lots of people stop and get to the place where I am now - happy and free. You just have to get through these early stages.
Form a very clear picture of the person you don't want to be (sloppy and boozy and numb) and keep that image locked in mind because it will be a great motivator.
Then form a mental image of the person you do want to be - happy and healthy and calm and just living an ordinary life! And keep that one really firmly in mind and BELIEVE that you can be that person because you can. Honestly.
These mental images really helped me and I still have the image of boozy me in mind and will often use it when I have a little sad thought about not drinking. There is no romantic image of booze for me. I cannot control it and I become a sloppy numb disconnected person if I touch it .. so hence I don't drink.
Good luck!! You can do this.
==========
I don't need mental images of boozy me/sober me any more...I have the real thing! Out of the blue today we found an old phone card of Mr D's that held photos from before I got sober. Check out bloated me......!
And here's me over four years later, raising a glass of soda water this past New Year's Eve - sober, happy and healthy!
If these images aren't going to help keep me motivated to stay alcohol-free then I don't know what is!
Love, Mrs D xxx
I'm also getting loads more emails than usual .. from people who are reaching out for the first time wanting help with registering at Living Sober, or just saying kind things to me, or asking for help and guidance.
I received one email which simply asked "Is it true that you are happy being sober and it isn't a lifelong struggle? I can't even imagine my life without alcohol"
Here is what I sent in reply....
Hi, yes it is true that I am happy not drinking and don't feel worried/miserable that I won't touch alcohol ever again. And I KNOW that must sound unreal to you because I can so remember not believing that could be possible myself when I was stuck in the booze trap.
It is hard bloody work breaking free from booze but you must know that it CAN BE DONE (sorry for the liberal use of caps!). Lots and lots and lots of people stop and get to the place where I am now - happy and free. You just have to get through these early stages.
Form a very clear picture of the person you don't want to be (sloppy and boozy and numb) and keep that image locked in mind because it will be a great motivator.
Then form a mental image of the person you do want to be - happy and healthy and calm and just living an ordinary life! And keep that one really firmly in mind and BELIEVE that you can be that person because you can. Honestly.
These mental images really helped me and I still have the image of boozy me in mind and will often use it when I have a little sad thought about not drinking. There is no romantic image of booze for me. I cannot control it and I become a sloppy numb disconnected person if I touch it .. so hence I don't drink.
Good luck!! You can do this.
==========
I don't need mental images of boozy me/sober me any more...I have the real thing! Out of the blue today we found an old phone card of Mr D's that held photos from before I got sober. Check out bloated me......!
And here's me over four years later, raising a glass of soda water this past New Year's Eve - sober, happy and healthy!
If these images aren't going to help keep me motivated to stay alcohol-free then I don't know what is!
Love, Mrs D xxx
Sunday, January 3, 2016
SO HAPPY and PROFOUNDLY GRATEFUL...
I am SO HAPPY to be out of the daily drinking grind. I am SO HAPPY to be living free from my addiction. I am SO HAPPY that I am living my life 100% in the raw. I am SO happy to be sober.
I love the challenge of sober living. It is the ultimate challenge - never ever escaping from any tough or uncomfortable emotion. Stress comes, so does anger and sadness and disappointment and frustration (etc etc).. but I deal with it now - it's there for a reason! - and then it passes.
I don't have a knee-jerk reaction to reach for something to make it go away. I am much, much, much better now at letting those emotions be and then letting them pass by. I just AM stressed and then I'm not.
Sometimes I do get really stressed!! For goodness sake I have 3 young boys who are noisy and demanding and argumentative (and gorgeous of course!) and they can really push me to the limit at times. I also have a busy job and a house and husband and PUPPY to look after... so of course I get stressed.
I'm also a 44-year-old woman with complex emotions and a busy brain.. but now I live connected to myself in ways that I have never been ever before in my life. I am much more firmly rooted in my body and on the earth that holds me up.
I know how to focus on my breath and the sensations in my body to bring me out of my mind and down into the present moment. I know how to do this because I have worked on it since I got sober.
I wouldn't be like this if I was still drinking daily. I wouldn't be like this if I was still drunk all the time.
I wouldn't have such a healthy relationship with my thoughts (in that I don't believe them as facts or let them control me) if I was still blurring my brain with alcohol daily like I used to. I'd have messed up body chemistry and unfocused thoughts.
I know I've said it before and I'm sorry that I'm being repetitive and that this is a waffly post but I need to say this because I feel it so keenly right now.
I am so utterly completely profoundly grateful to be sober.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Pure Unadulterated Joy
I have to share what happened for me on Christmas Day. Far out it was cool.
I was hosting the main meal for extended family - 12 adults and 7 kids at our house. I have to be honest - I was a bit stressed as meal-time approached. There was a lot to co-ordinate!
I had cooked a ginormous turkey and was hoping like hell it wouldn't be overcooked and dry (or undercooked for that matter). I was hoping the veggies would be ok. I was hoping that everyone would like my decorations and be comfortable in their chairs and feel happy to be sitting down to eat at my house.
But I had a lot of help, people bought salads and nibbles and pudding with them, someone took over finishing the gravy and cooking the peas, someone carved the turkey and someone else carved the beef fillet. Someone sorted people out with drinks and someone lit the candles and ... many lovely hands made for relatively light work!
And then it was time to eat - the call went out - everyone sat down and the dishes got passed around and plates were filled up and word came back that the turkey was tender and juicy and delicious (hooray!) and all of a sudden I got flooded - like seriously FLOODED - with the most intense rush of joy.
It was pure, unadulterated, high-as-a-kite, genuine, authentic joy. Endorphins? A bit of relief mixed in there? Whatever it was it was a very heady mix and I felt so, so, so, so, so, so happy.
I'm telling you - I have been drunk and high hundreds of times in my life and no chemical high could replicate the very real feeling I had in that moment of intense happiness. Not just that moment - the feeling has lasted and lasted. Even now two days later I am basking in the glow of our lovely successful Christmas lunch.
For an hour around that table we shared a beautiful meal, ate & drank & chatted until I felt the need to raise my glass of soft drink and say a few words.
Four to be precise - "It's all about love".
And so it was...
I was hosting the main meal for extended family - 12 adults and 7 kids at our house. I have to be honest - I was a bit stressed as meal-time approached. There was a lot to co-ordinate!
I had cooked a ginormous turkey and was hoping like hell it wouldn't be overcooked and dry (or undercooked for that matter). I was hoping the veggies would be ok. I was hoping that everyone would like my decorations and be comfortable in their chairs and feel happy to be sitting down to eat at my house.
But I had a lot of help, people bought salads and nibbles and pudding with them, someone took over finishing the gravy and cooking the peas, someone carved the turkey and someone else carved the beef fillet. Someone sorted people out with drinks and someone lit the candles and ... many lovely hands made for relatively light work!
And then it was time to eat - the call went out - everyone sat down and the dishes got passed around and plates were filled up and word came back that the turkey was tender and juicy and delicious (hooray!) and all of a sudden I got flooded - like seriously FLOODED - with the most intense rush of joy.
It was pure, unadulterated, high-as-a-kite, genuine, authentic joy. Endorphins? A bit of relief mixed in there? Whatever it was it was a very heady mix and I felt so, so, so, so, so, so happy.
I'm telling you - I have been drunk and high hundreds of times in my life and no chemical high could replicate the very real feeling I had in that moment of intense happiness. Not just that moment - the feeling has lasted and lasted. Even now two days later I am basking in the glow of our lovely successful Christmas lunch.
For an hour around that table we shared a beautiful meal, ate & drank & chatted until I felt the need to raise my glass of soft drink and say a few words.
Four to be precise - "It's all about love".
And so it was...
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Gentle calmness...
I feel tired today but not too bad. Pottering around getting things ready for Christmas. We have some relatives staying from tomorrow and are hosting Christmas Day dinner for 20-odd (including kids). I am roasting a ginormous turkey and doing some vege - others are bringing salads, pudding etc.
Looking forward to it and keeping on reminding myself that it is LOVE that matters not CLEAN BENCHES!!
Feeling gentle in my sobriety. Not endorphin-rush this is THE BEST WAY TO LIVE!!, nor sad and woe-is-me WHY AM I DIFFERENT FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD?? Just quietly sober, quietly never touching alcohol ever. Quietly happy with the way my life is.
I'm alright.
Things are alright.
Actually maybe I lie. Maybe there is a little bit of elated joy inside me for being free from the booze trap.
I don't regret one percent being unable to moderate alcohol. I love being sober and the challenge it brings. I love the authenticity I am forced into experiencing because I never ever bend my brain or blur my reality.
Yeah - there's a little bit of endorphin-rush joy in there, bubbling below the surface.
In a very lovely, gentle, low-key, calm way.
Because that's what sobriety brings. Gentle calmness.
And that's what I'm feeling right now.
What a lucky lucky girl am I.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Looking forward to it and keeping on reminding myself that it is LOVE that matters not CLEAN BENCHES!!
Feeling gentle in my sobriety. Not endorphin-rush this is THE BEST WAY TO LIVE!!, nor sad and woe-is-me WHY AM I DIFFERENT FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD?? Just quietly sober, quietly never touching alcohol ever. Quietly happy with the way my life is.
I'm alright.
Things are alright.
Actually maybe I lie. Maybe there is a little bit of elated joy inside me for being free from the booze trap.
I don't regret one percent being unable to moderate alcohol. I love being sober and the challenge it brings. I love the authenticity I am forced into experiencing because I never ever bend my brain or blur my reality.
Yeah - there's a little bit of endorphin-rush joy in there, bubbling below the surface.
In a very lovely, gentle, low-key, calm way.
Because that's what sobriety brings. Gentle calmness.
And that's what I'm feeling right now.
What a lucky lucky girl am I.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Monday, December 14, 2015
Gratitude and Love..
Here's a list of things I am grateful for and that I love..
I am grateful for my drinking problem because it has given me the rich gift of sobriety.
I love my husband and our three sons and our labrador puppy.
I am grateful to my brain for never settling for discomfort and always sending me messages that I need to work on things (like giving up drinking and stopping over-thinking).
I love my sobriety and I love my mindfulness practice. Both of these things have transformed my life.
I am grateful for all the fun times I have had partying in my life because they sure were fun! I am not grateful for the miserable boozing which dominated the end of my drinking career but I am grateful for the memories of those because they will help keep me sober.
I love pop music and fun gatherings and lovely friends and good books and comfy pants and scented candles and fresh flowers and holidays.
I am grateful for living in a safe society where we don't experience fear and misery on a daily basis (like many in the world do).
I love rambling around the hill trails above our house with our dog.
I am grateful for the online communities here on my blog, on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and at Living Sober. (I am giving away a free copy of my book on Facebook this week as a thank you to the growing community there!)
I love all the warmth and honesty and support that gets shared around these online spaces.
I am grateful for my health and my body which does a pretty fine job of containing my brain and moving me around my busy life.
I love soda water, lemons in anything, cheese of any sort, the green smoothie/juices that come out of my nutra ninja thingy, chips and dip, steak with dijon mustard, salads filled with herbs, and white chocolate/coconut ice/ginger crunch when I let myself have it.
I am grateful and I love many things.
Gratitude and love.
What more could you wish for in life?
Love, Mrs D xxx
I am grateful for my drinking problem because it has given me the rich gift of sobriety.
I love my husband and our three sons and our labrador puppy.
I am grateful to my brain for never settling for discomfort and always sending me messages that I need to work on things (like giving up drinking and stopping over-thinking).
I love my sobriety and I love my mindfulness practice. Both of these things have transformed my life.
I am grateful for all the fun times I have had partying in my life because they sure were fun! I am not grateful for the miserable boozing which dominated the end of my drinking career but I am grateful for the memories of those because they will help keep me sober.
I love pop music and fun gatherings and lovely friends and good books and comfy pants and scented candles and fresh flowers and holidays.
I am grateful for living in a safe society where we don't experience fear and misery on a daily basis (like many in the world do).
I love rambling around the hill trails above our house with our dog.
I am grateful for the online communities here on my blog, on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and at Living Sober. (I am giving away a free copy of my book on Facebook this week as a thank you to the growing community there!)
I love all the warmth and honesty and support that gets shared around these online spaces.
I am grateful for my health and my body which does a pretty fine job of containing my brain and moving me around my busy life.
I love soda water, lemons in anything, cheese of any sort, the green smoothie/juices that come out of my nutra ninja thingy, chips and dip, steak with dijon mustard, salads filled with herbs, and white chocolate/coconut ice/ginger crunch when I let myself have it.
I am grateful and I love many things.
Gratitude and love.
What more could you wish for in life?
Love, Mrs D xxx
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Ordinary sober housewifey life..
It's a good thing I'm walking the dog a lot because I am a piggy pig at the moment! Lots of lovely foody treats, but oh well... am not beating myself up too much about it. I can't be bloody perfect (nor do I want to be) so I will continue to have a robust and honest relationship with myself about my sugar and fat intake while allowing myself treats and forever attempting to moderate.
But no alcohol ever!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I can't quite believe that I've just stopped drinking alcohol and will never touch it ever again. But then I slip quickly back into the frame of mind that is well versed in why I have (stopped) and why I won't (ever touch it again).
The more time that goes on the more ordinary and comfortable it gets. Time really is a very kind mistress in terms of changing habits.
I've had a couple of drinking dreams recently but interestingly they haven't left me feeling unsettled like they used to. Drinking dreams have always been rather unnerving but nowadays they're not. Lately in these dreams I'm just telling someone that I don't drink or I'm in a scenario where I'm comfortably sober (it's enough of a feature of the dream that I'll call it a 'drinking dream' but really it's a 'sober dream'!) and I wake up aware that I had this dream but not out of sorts because of it.
FINALLY my subconscious is catching up with my reality.
Quite a bit going on for me socially at the moment - lots of evenings out and a few lunches - but I'm happy being more social than usual (seems like the right time of year for it) and I'm not worrying about my non-drinking status. It just is what it is, this is what I am, and none of my friends seem to care.
I think I'm still fun and interesting! I love that I can always drive myself home! I love that I sleep great every night! I love being sober!!
Mr D is away tonight and so is our middle boy (at a cubs tramp) so me and the other two are going to get Indian takeaways and I'll probably have a choc bar (delicious ice-cream) for pudding while lying on the sofa watching Dance Moms (awfully wonderful Reality TV).
But first I need to put the washing away, feed the dog, vacuum up all the crap off the living room floor, get into my comfy pants and pour myself a large soda water with lemon slices and ice.
Such is my ordinary sober housewifey life.
Love, Mrs D xxx
But no alcohol ever!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I can't quite believe that I've just stopped drinking alcohol and will never touch it ever again. But then I slip quickly back into the frame of mind that is well versed in why I have (stopped) and why I won't (ever touch it again).
The more time that goes on the more ordinary and comfortable it gets. Time really is a very kind mistress in terms of changing habits.
I've had a couple of drinking dreams recently but interestingly they haven't left me feeling unsettled like they used to. Drinking dreams have always been rather unnerving but nowadays they're not. Lately in these dreams I'm just telling someone that I don't drink or I'm in a scenario where I'm comfortably sober (it's enough of a feature of the dream that I'll call it a 'drinking dream' but really it's a 'sober dream'!) and I wake up aware that I had this dream but not out of sorts because of it.
FINALLY my subconscious is catching up with my reality.
Quite a bit going on for me socially at the moment - lots of evenings out and a few lunches - but I'm happy being more social than usual (seems like the right time of year for it) and I'm not worrying about my non-drinking status. It just is what it is, this is what I am, and none of my friends seem to care.
I think I'm still fun and interesting! I love that I can always drive myself home! I love that I sleep great every night! I love being sober!!
Mr D is away tonight and so is our middle boy (at a cubs tramp) so me and the other two are going to get Indian takeaways and I'll probably have a choc bar (delicious ice-cream) for pudding while lying on the sofa watching Dance Moms (awfully wonderful Reality TV).
But first I need to put the washing away, feed the dog, vacuum up all the crap off the living room floor, get into my comfy pants and pour myself a large soda water with lemon slices and ice.
Such is my ordinary sober housewifey life.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Thursday, November 26, 2015
In praise of walking...
I took our dog for a big walk in the hills above my house yesterday. The weather was warm-ish but blustery and there were low clouds which made the whole area quite misty. We walked for 45 minutes along paths and unpaved roads, bumping into two people and one other dog along the way.
It was absolutely lovely and we are about to go and do it again.
I would not be going for a walk along the hill-line behind my house if I didn't have a dog. I absolutely would not. I have never been one to go walking just because a walk is a good idea. I will force myself to exercise but usually by going to the gym (not for a while but still paying the weekly membership!) or to a yoga class (every Tuesday night down at my local rec centre).
But I walk nowadays because we have a dog..... and I am so grateful for him because these walks really are lovely! I come home refreshed and alert and feeling good. And he absolutely loves them! He's like the most excited dog you have ever seen ... darting all around me as we walk along the paths.. sniffing here there and everywhere.. just so happy to be out in the big wide world walking along with me.
Getting this dog has been such a good idea. I have to tell myself this when he is chewing everything in sight, shedding his black hairs everywhere, and barking to wake us up at 6am! The kids love him so much and are so sweet with him. He makes our house feel even more like a home and most of all, he gets me out walking.
For our family's secret santa this year I am buying for my brother-in-law and he's asked for whisky. So this morning I went into the bottle store and asked the shop keeper for help. He showed me a few options and I said 'I don't drink so I've got no idea what to get but I like the colour of this bottle and the font they've used on the label so I'll get this one'.
I felt quietly cool for being such a casual non-drinker in the bottle store. Proud of myself for being so comfortable to state I don't drink. I didn't give a toss what the shop keeper thought of me (a boring wowser? an alcoholic in recovery? an alien from another planet?). Who cares. I was just me casually being a non drinker buying whisky for someone else.
Then I drove to the chemist and they had these mini breath test kits for sale up at the counter (blow in a straw and it will tell you if you're close to .05% breath alcohol limit). I asked if they were selling many and the chemist lady said 'not yet, we've only just got them in' and I then said 'lucky I don't have to worry about that any more!'. She laughed politely, probably wondering what I meant but I didn't say any more. I just smiled and paid for my items, then left.
Just me a casual non-drinker moving around my world comfortable with that fact.
The Silly Season is upon us (I wrote a 'Silly Season Survival Guide' at Living Sober) and I have a couple of lunches to go to but they won't be boozy affairs. I have turned down the opportunity to go to one big boozy party - too far to travel/too difficult with childcare - so Mr D is going alone. I had a dream about it so maybe deep down I am sad to be missing out and am still mourning my lost life. But I won't mourn for long. My boozy life was fun (until it wasn't) and now it's over and my sober life is in full flight. And it's pretty damn fine.
Now I better go take the dog up into the hills before he kills me with his sad eyes!
Love, Mrs D xxx
It was absolutely lovely and we are about to go and do it again.
I would not be going for a walk along the hill-line behind my house if I didn't have a dog. I absolutely would not. I have never been one to go walking just because a walk is a good idea. I will force myself to exercise but usually by going to the gym (not for a while but still paying the weekly membership!) or to a yoga class (every Tuesday night down at my local rec centre).
But I walk nowadays because we have a dog..... and I am so grateful for him because these walks really are lovely! I come home refreshed and alert and feeling good. And he absolutely loves them! He's like the most excited dog you have ever seen ... darting all around me as we walk along the paths.. sniffing here there and everywhere.. just so happy to be out in the big wide world walking along with me.
Getting this dog has been such a good idea. I have to tell myself this when he is chewing everything in sight, shedding his black hairs everywhere, and barking to wake us up at 6am! The kids love him so much and are so sweet with him. He makes our house feel even more like a home and most of all, he gets me out walking.
For our family's secret santa this year I am buying for my brother-in-law and he's asked for whisky. So this morning I went into the bottle store and asked the shop keeper for help. He showed me a few options and I said 'I don't drink so I've got no idea what to get but I like the colour of this bottle and the font they've used on the label so I'll get this one'.
I felt quietly cool for being such a casual non-drinker in the bottle store. Proud of myself for being so comfortable to state I don't drink. I didn't give a toss what the shop keeper thought of me (a boring wowser? an alcoholic in recovery? an alien from another planet?). Who cares. I was just me casually being a non drinker buying whisky for someone else.
Then I drove to the chemist and they had these mini breath test kits for sale up at the counter (blow in a straw and it will tell you if you're close to .05% breath alcohol limit). I asked if they were selling many and the chemist lady said 'not yet, we've only just got them in' and I then said 'lucky I don't have to worry about that any more!'. She laughed politely, probably wondering what I meant but I didn't say any more. I just smiled and paid for my items, then left.
Just me a casual non-drinker moving around my world comfortable with that fact.
The Silly Season is upon us (I wrote a 'Silly Season Survival Guide' at Living Sober) and I have a couple of lunches to go to but they won't be boozy affairs. I have turned down the opportunity to go to one big boozy party - too far to travel/too difficult with childcare - so Mr D is going alone. I had a dream about it so maybe deep down I am sad to be missing out and am still mourning my lost life. But I won't mourn for long. My boozy life was fun (until it wasn't) and now it's over and my sober life is in full flight. And it's pretty damn fine.
Now I better go take the dog up into the hills before he kills me with his sad eyes!
Love, Mrs D xxx
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Ebbs and flows
Sorry to continue to be a bit down on it but once again I am thinking of so many people who are struggling right now. Today's theme seems to be narcissistic people who are having a major impact on friends of mine - whether it be their narcissistic mother or sister-in-law or friend... just nasty people who do their damnedest to cause pain in others.
I can see so clearly that the narcissistic (problematic might be a better word because who can diagnose narcissism?) person is hurting and is in pain - i.e. they're a broken person to be acting in such a cruel/uncaring way - and so I want to feel kindly towards that broken person, but when they cause so much pain by lashing out and manipulating, well it's hard to bloody think kindly towards them!!
Sometimes I just feel like the world is so full of pain - and now with what is happening overseas with France at war and all those horrible broken people acting despicably by taking innocent lives..
Sigh...
Actually me in my life I'm doing ok at the minute. I'm trucking on. Doing ok with my food and exercise (I'd give myself 78.3% on that score), remembering to act mindfully every day (gets easier the more you practice it) and keeping up with all my online work & writing & housework commitments.
I have been having strange fleeting (and I really do mean fleeting) sad thoughts about being a non-drinker for evermore. But I am pretty well versed at kicking those thoughts out of my brain quick-smart and not picking over them so that they build in strength.
I can only surmise that it's because I'm tired at the moment (this is a CRAZY busy term with the boys and I'm running around like a headless chicken most days) and that is why these woe-is-me thoughts are creeping in.
Truth is I KNOW that booze isn't going to make my life more fun. I KNOW that I am a million times happier now that I don't touch booze ever. I KNOW that everything booze promises to offer is a crock of shit. I KNOW that I am a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend now that I don't numb myself constantly. I KNOW that if I start drinking again .. well I shudder to think what my life would be like if I started drinking again.
I am NOT going to start drinking again - ok??!!
But the truth is that being in recovery means living RAW forever more and the reality of that is that you feel everything more keenly. Life ebbs and flows and you feel it all more keenly. You are just raw all the time. Raw, raw, raw.
I wouldn't want it any other way - honestly - but it is what it is. Life in all it's up and down glory. Pain and pleasure. Highs and lows. Ebbs and flows.
And now I'm going to go take the dog for a big walk along the hill line.
And I am going to enjoy his delight at being out in the wide open air.
And I am going to rejoice in all that is good in the world.
Love, Mrs D xxx
I can see so clearly that the narcissistic (problematic might be a better word because who can diagnose narcissism?) person is hurting and is in pain - i.e. they're a broken person to be acting in such a cruel/uncaring way - and so I want to feel kindly towards that broken person, but when they cause so much pain by lashing out and manipulating, well it's hard to bloody think kindly towards them!!
Sometimes I just feel like the world is so full of pain - and now with what is happening overseas with France at war and all those horrible broken people acting despicably by taking innocent lives..
Sigh...
Actually me in my life I'm doing ok at the minute. I'm trucking on. Doing ok with my food and exercise (I'd give myself 78.3% on that score), remembering to act mindfully every day (gets easier the more you practice it) and keeping up with all my online work & writing & housework commitments.
I have been having strange fleeting (and I really do mean fleeting) sad thoughts about being a non-drinker for evermore. But I am pretty well versed at kicking those thoughts out of my brain quick-smart and not picking over them so that they build in strength.
I can only surmise that it's because I'm tired at the moment (this is a CRAZY busy term with the boys and I'm running around like a headless chicken most days) and that is why these woe-is-me thoughts are creeping in.
Truth is I KNOW that booze isn't going to make my life more fun. I KNOW that I am a million times happier now that I don't touch booze ever. I KNOW that everything booze promises to offer is a crock of shit. I KNOW that I am a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend now that I don't numb myself constantly. I KNOW that if I start drinking again .. well I shudder to think what my life would be like if I started drinking again.
I am NOT going to start drinking again - ok??!!
But the truth is that being in recovery means living RAW forever more and the reality of that is that you feel everything more keenly. Life ebbs and flows and you feel it all more keenly. You are just raw all the time. Raw, raw, raw.
I wouldn't want it any other way - honestly - but it is what it is. Life in all it's up and down glory. Pain and pleasure. Highs and lows. Ebbs and flows.
And now I'm going to go take the dog for a big walk along the hill line.
And I am going to enjoy his delight at being out in the wide open air.
And I am going to rejoice in all that is good in the world.
Love, Mrs D xxx
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