Friday, July 27, 2012

Up and down and up and down

I'd be lying if I said I never had pangs about drinking.  I do, in a sad 'yeah it would be really nice to have a couple of glasses of wine tonight' kind of way. But, as all good boozers know, it's never about just a couple of glasses of wine.  I've never been able to see the point in a couple of glasses of wine, might as well go for the whole bottle.

(I just imagined drinking a whole bottle of wine and felt quite sick actually).

I've come off my high from the weekend and had an absolutely appalling day yesterday which ended with me yelling at the kids.  It was just a bad day.

Then this morning I'm all tearful about god-knows-what and grouchy about the state of the house and just feeling kind of joy-less.  It's a down alright, and it's come after the up of last weekend.  Ups and downs and ups and downs.  The normal waves of any life I suppose, but felt more acutely now that I live sober.

So yeah .. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I have pangs of sadness that I'm not a lucky moderate drinker who can use alcohol wisely and reap the benefits of a few nice drinks on a Friday night. But I can't.  Just like I'll never have long legs or lovely smooth olive-coloured skin, or be really artistic, I can't drink well.  And so I don't drink at all.

I have to put it in that camp of things that are unchangeable.  The length of my legs I can't change.  Nor can I change my predilection toward heavy wine consumption.  Could I have avoided becoming an alcoholic with a different life-path? Who knows.  That I'll never know.  I think the reason that moment I finally accepted that I was an alcoholic (you can read the post here) was so profound was that it was a deep, total acceptance.  Like a surrender.  Yep, I'm an alcoholic, that means I can't touch alcohol.  Period.

It's a bummer.  It's a bummer.  It's a bummer.  It really is a bummer.  But it's a fact.  So there.  Get over it.  Harden up and get on with it. You can't drink (I'm talking to myself now, clearly going mad here), so suck it up, put your head down and get on with living sober.

Will do.

Love, Mrs D xxx

P.S. I got an email from an online pharmacy/healthcare provider place in the States to tell me they've included me in their list of top sites regarding alcohol addiction.  The list is here. The email was sent to the 'Mrs D is Going Without team'! Ah, that would just be me.  Just little old sober me sitting at my desk, in my living room, in my house, on a street, down under in New Zealand.

13 comments:

  1. I love this post Mrs D. I helps me realize that I'm not a perfect mom and it's okay to lose it once in a while, especially when the little ones drive us "mad".
    I sure needed to hear the facts in your last paragraphs, cause I've been bummed too, that I can't and won't have a glass of wine tonight....or the bottle....or two.....You just helped me get the craving out of my body!
    Have a good night!
    xxoo
    Jen

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  2. Wow! Congratulations on making the list of the 20 top sites for recovery. You are truly an inspiration for many of us. Thank you.

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  3. Okay, as one of the two boys my mom raised, I have to tell you that what you experienced is 100% normal. I was a good kid, but even so I know I was an absolute MONSTER, and with my brother (2 years younger than me) along, we would push and push and PUSH. My mom is my hero, because I have no idea how she got through it all. And trust me, she could yell, so you are in very good company. :)

    I'm home tonight because while my bf is out with some friends for the basic reason that I'm having one of those "wouldn't it be nice...." moments, and while I still wouldn't drink, why give myself the aggravation? Tomorrow I won't feel like this, or next week, or whatever, so I can stay home this one time. It will pass.

    Congrats on your "promotion" in the blogosphere. :)

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  4. Thank you. And congratulations...I agree, your blog is top notch!

    Larnie

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  5. Mrs D, I'm pleased you wrote about this too . . . As "Mommy's journey" said; it makes us realise we're not alone . . . And boy do they push and push to the limit some days! Thanks for your honesty.
    And how good is that; being chosen, along with your team!, to be among the top "alcohol blogs" . . . I'm so pleased you carried on blogging ;-)
    Hoping today is much better for you. Love x

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  6. congrats to you on being a light in the dark for so many people. and for being a real human who has shitty days just like the rest of us. happy to be here, benefiting from your light... and those boys know where your limits, they just like to see you right at the edge of them, now and then.

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  7. Oh Mrs. D, I have three grown boys who were once three little boys who on some days drove me freaking nuts.

    Oh, and I still have those days where I consider maybe just letting myself have just one day to blow it all and drink myself to oblivion. Do you think 20 years from now we might forget that we ever had a drinking problem.

    Oh, and Mrs. D, you truly are exceptional and I love you!

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  8. I have three boys as well and I can remember doing EXACTLY what you did more than once. They live through it...believe me.

    I am so proud of you for saying the A word. You are rocking this world!

    Sherry

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  9. Congrats on making the top 20! I bookmarked the site for the others on there too.

    Your day sounds absolutely, completely, painfully normal to me, lol. Good news is most days are nowhere near that. Overall, it gets better the more I get used to the new me. The highs are not as high, but neither are the lows.

    Don't beat yourself up for being human. You're doing the best thing a mom could do for her boys. xoxoxo

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  10. I feel a whole lot less unique after having read your post, considering I did exactly the same thing yesterday!

    Thanks for sharing, Mrs. D!

    XO

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  11. Day 33 here Mrs D and I just had my first pang last Saturday (day 27). We typically go to 4pm mass and then out for a bite to eat. I sat through Mass thinking it would be soooo nice to have a glass of wine with dinner. I only thought about it but was sad that it took up any of my time. But...it was it is. And this post said it perfectly. I will never be a 'normie' with drinking so I just am not going to drink anymore ever. You have a fantastic way with words and somehow know the right thing to say to 'me' everytime I read your posts!!! And finally CONGRATS on your recognition!!! I had no idea! I just stumbled upon your blog doing a google search...am soooooooo glad I found you!!!

    Oh and ps: I think Mr D is cutting back now! When we went out to eat that night I ordered a soda and he said something about not having wine and I said 'I'm not having it ever again' and he said 'Ever? Wow, thats impressive!' and this week he seems to be cutting back himself...not that he needs to though. He can take it or leave it. He's a normie! ugh.

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