Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Working on it...

I was at my local store stocking up on a few supplies including beer to give to the guys who are going to help me put up the new trampoline.  The lovely store owner laughed as I put the 6-packs on the counter, saying 'Ah ha! While the husband's away..the wife will play!' or words to that effect (he knows Mr D is away on business for the week).

I laughed and said 'not for me! I don't touch the stuff'.. to which he replied 'I don't like beer either actually' and then we moved on to talk about the US elections.

Later as I was driving back from dropping the boys at scouts I was thinking how that store owner has never known me as a drinker. If we'd lived here before I got sober he would definitely have been aware that I was fond of red wine. As it is this beer is the first alcohol I've bought from him ever.

And as I was driving thinking about him and our conversation, I suddenly imagined myself actually buying red wine and taking it home and drinking it. Pouring. Drinking. Pouring. Drinking. Pouring. Drinking. Drinking. Drinking. Drinking.

Gross. Honestly, the thought of going back to all that pouring and drinking is gross. Awful. I think I actually pulled a face to myself in the car imagining all that pouring and drinking.

So thank fuck for that. I have no temptation to drink. None. Which is a total blessing because sober living is a bit raw and tricky for me right now. I'm stressed and emotional, to put it bluntly. And am working very hard on my new strategies to cope.

As always so many lovely comments and lots of wise advice is coming my way on here. And I am determined to meet this living-raw challenge head on (albeit with tears and gritted teeth right now).

I'm working on compassion and forgiveness, breathing and thinking clearly and calmly, and just general positive thinking. This will pass. I will learn. And hopefully, like the brilliant Byebyebeer has, I will grow to love my feelings. Even the tricky ones.  And hopefully, like the clever Daisyanon says, I will start to really grow up, without any masks. (That Daisyanon link will take you to her blog but she doesn't post often. Her immense wisdom comes to me in comments. I'm very lucky).

I am slowly finding the real me. So this is what they mean about the second year being difficult. I see that now. First year all your energy is on just removing the booze and living without it. Second year, learning who you really are.

How fucking cool is that? (Positive note to end on!)

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. I wanted to pop over and thank you for your comments on my blog. I so appreciate hearing from you. Tricky feelings are such a part of life, aren't they? Good for you for forging your way *through* rather than avoiding through any number of avenues available to us. Bless you...

  2. Dear Mrs D, I do so admire your positive attitude and the way you refuse to be beaten down. I learn a lot from that. And your 'attitude of gratitude' and your honesty and sharing of yourself through your writing here.

    Thank you for your kind comments but I must say that any wisdom is not mine but a passing on of the wisdom I have received from AA.

  3. Can I just copy and paste your blog to mine? I can't seem to come up with the gumption to write a blog lately. I'm living raw too but I think I'm even more excited to see what this year is going to bring now that I can concentrate on something other than drinking.
    Love ya, chica

  4. Thank you for the mention (and the one and only time I've ever been called brilliant) and I'm flattered because I see it the other way around. You've helped me so much to accept the things I feel and the downs in life because there are so many ups. I sincerely hope you get out there and enjoy your new trampoline. That could be some good therapy.

  5. Yeah, this two year section is a little tricky, isn't it? In a way it's easier than the first year, but I think we were all still a little shell-shocked during year one that we didn't have time to process all these feelings. We "felt" them, but feeling and processing, come to find out, are totally different things.

    I cannot picture you buying beer. Sorry. Just don't believe it. I cannot picture you buying wine either- don't want to picture it! Now, tea or crafty leather bracelets to remind you how high you've jumped? Yep, I can picture that.

    Hang in there girl and enjoy that trampoline. (Just think how high you can jump on THAT!)

  6. "Thank fuck for that", indeed! :-) Thank fuck we're still sober and hanging out here together and getting each other's backs and supporting each other and sharing what we really feel with people who understand what it's like to feel that way. And thank fuck for this post!

  7. Sober living isn't easy, but it sounds like you are doing it well.

  8. Pouring and drinking, pouring and drinking... grosss! You inspire me. Good reminders. Thanks for keeping it real!