Thursday, December 6, 2012

My private hell....

I'm not what I appear to be. I appear to be a happy, settled, middle class suburban mother of three. Happily married, in good health with a people mover, life insurance, successful relationships, a moderate interest in politics and an addiction to Reality TV.

I appear to have totally nailed this thing called life. I have the house, the car, the husband, the kids. Hell we've even got a cat.

But I have a sneaky secret and I'm locked in a private hell because I'm the only one who thinks it's a problem.

Wednesday is shopping day and I always buy two bottles of wine. They're gone by Thursday and the husband is lucky if he gets 3 glasses.

I make my decision at 10am the next day that I'm going to drink again that night. Wine is always on my mind.

The man selling alcohol down the road knows my name and asks me how my studies are going - he knows about my life. I hate that.

I attend a function and get a little too loud, a little too opinionated. I'm nervous and look at myself in the bathroom mirror knowing I'm drinking to much to cope. I drive home. I hate myself for doing that.

I roll my body over a swiss ball at the gym and my sick guts churn and my head throbs. I look at the ladies around me and wonder if anyone else is secretly hungover. I feel so miserable.

I'm conscious at home every time I take a big gulp of wine. Standing at the kitchen bench. Sitting on the sofa. Over and over and over and over and over and over again I gulp wine. I seem unable to ignore what I am doing. Can't anyone else see?

There are two voices in my head. One is telling me boozing is fun and I deserve it and I'm totally fine. The other is telling me it's not fun, I don't deserve it and I'm not totally fine.

I try to talk to my immediate loved ones. I try and write down every time I take a drink. I try to moderate. I have dry spells. But slowly and surely my drinking is getting worse. Heavier. Sloppier. Less fun. More miserable.

My personal hell is at it's blackest at 3am. I come to consciousness in my bed, my mouth is dry, my head is sore and my bladder is full. I walk miserably down the hall to the loo. I feel guilty. I regret. I just feel so unhappy.

Then one day, September 6, 2011, I'm sitting in my car at the intersection opposite Pac n Save with the indicator on to turn right. And the thought comes to me. I could just do it and stop right now. I could just fucking take that leap and remove alcohol from my life. And I do.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. It's startling to realise how many of us are living our own private hell; while keeping all outward appearances that we are doing great. Replace the word wine with vodka, and most of that could have been written by me. I'm glad we are on this sober journey together.

  2. Wow - I thought you were telling my story. I think there are a lot of us out there and my heart goes out to them. I'm glad you wrote this out - you may help someone who is struggling...and isn't that the what we're here for?

    You rock my friend!


  3. you've so captured that point we've all reached at some time, where we hate the part of us that does this to ourselves. And we're so aware of what we are doing but at the same time we deny it. Thankfully we get over the denial and just accept ourselves and our less than perfect parts. Thanks for the post, Paul.

  4. As beautifully written as it is true. Congratulations on saving yourself from all of those things and making the decision to be happy.

  5. Perfect! Ugh that looking at yourself in the mirror at the bathroom at an event... yeah that was no fun. And that awareness of every gulp, how important each one was. Yikes. Thank you so much for writing this.

  6. Great post Mrs. D! Beautifully written and you hit on all the key aspects of a day in the life of the secret alcoholic mother/housewife/professional woman.

    The mirror thing! So accurate.


  7. I have read that 1 out of 3 people have a drinking problem, I look around the group of people I am with and try to figure out who the others are...It's so nice to be on the other side now trying to figure out who the other sober ones are.
    Love ya gal!

  8. Yes, that was me 4 nights ago! I can relate to your words : sloppier, heavier, and miserable with the drinking. Then waking up with a pounding headache! Except I couldn't even walk or hold my head up. I woke up with vomit in my hair and a slimy shirt from throwing up all over the place. I will add that I haven't thrown up from drinking in 18 years. I felt like even more of a train wreck since I am 40 years old, married living in a cute house on a cute street, etc. Then before going out I curled my hair, put on a cute outfit, did my make up perfect, etc. I hope I'm not over sharing here or being too personal . I just could really relate to this. The good news is that I am on my 4th day without a drink. Have a blessed night.

  9. Great Post! Awesome! Love the brutal and vulnerable honesty!

  10. This post made me think back to the day I had the seemingly random thought to stop drinking, and I wondered what made me actually follow through with it. Oh yeah, all the reasons you list above! Especially remember all that greedy gulping in the last year+ of drinking. You've captured the steadily worsening dependence on alcohol perfectly. Thank you for another excellent post, Mrs. D.

  11. "And the thought comes to me. I could just do it and stop right now. I could just fucking take that leap and remove alcohol from my life. And I do."

    ... She didn't know she could jump that high... Ah, but she knows now.

    What a beautiful post Mrs. D. Your sharings inspire so many to take that life affirming leap, and I love that. You are changing lives, did you know that? :)

    I hope you are enjoying a beautiful weekend. xx Christy

  12. Ohhh yes, I know that Pak n Save very well! xxx