Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Real me...

I keep thinking about having a cigarette. I keep thinking I'll text Mr D asking him to bring a packet home with him after work. But then I think about actually having the cigarette and I feel kind of sick. So I don't do anything about it. But I keep thinking about it. I'm very stressed. I have 3 1/2 weeks to go until I get rid of this goddam piece of shit thesis.

I think about drinking in an abstract way like 'I used to have that option' but there are no real cravings there or gritty thought processes which is really interesting and quite heartening actually. 18 months sober and I'm under extreme stress about to deliver my MA and I'm not craving booze. That's good.

I certainly wouldn't win any "Calm Mother of the Year" awards right now though or "Loving Wife" accolades. I'm not a pretty stressed person by any stretch of the imagination. I'm a shouty, teary, unhealthy, tense, locked up stressed person. I think Mr D and the kids will be delighted when the normal me comes back.

But hey, I'm sober so yay for fucking me.

Some great things about being sober...

No hangovers.
No sick guts.
No headaches.
No avoiding things.
No crap sleeps.
No worry about my insides.
No spending lots of money on wine.
No overflowing recycling bin.
No guilt.
No addiction.
No crutch.
No embarrassment.
No worrying.

Some not so great things about being sober.

No avoiding how I feel.
No calming my stress.
No taking the edge off.

Other ways to achieve the above.

Positive thinking.
Trying really hard to do it on my own.

I'm a work in progress. I'm not really managing to do it on my own. Well, yes I am. I am doing it on my own but it involves a lot more outward stress on the people around me and I feel very messy, lurching from one emotional state to another. But maybe I just have to not worry about that and know that for all of us, the collective, me being sober is way better in the long run.  I could be drinking my way through this stress but I'm not. So there's more shouting and tears but hey, at least it's real.

Real. Yes that I am.

Love, Mrs D xxxx


  1. Sometimes it can help to make up songs about how crappy you feel - dark sad songs, or goofy songs, or bittersweet blues. Doesn't matter, it gets it out without so much concern about the impact on loved ones. Just a thought. kc

  2. Welcome to the real fucking world, my friend. You and I know that there are a lot more positives on that "No" list but sometimes it's hard to remember them, sometimes we don't want to remember them, sometimes we just want to wallow (sound familiar?) and freak out and get nervous and get scared and cuss a whole fucking lot.

    OMG! Don't look now, but I think we might be becoming normal. Nah, never mind, we'll never be that, we're recovered alcoholics and that's fucking awesome.

  3. SOBER: Son Of A Bitch, Everything's Real! Lol! Yes it is and you can get thru it! Hang in!

  4. Hi there

    I have been reading your blog for awhile and should have said thank you before now.. whatever, im sorry. i didn't even finish reading the post...because i know about the thesis, the all consuming, self doubting, struggle that it is. and i want to let you know - that in the same way you can't listen to booze - you can't listen to your thesis thoughts at this point. you might be thinking..i have wasted two years (three?? more??) its not good enough, nothing in it is new (this thought is a killer!). the list goes on. just let it go, there is nothing you can do now. you know it inside and out like nobody else does. listen to music and focus on something else. relax. You have the skills to destress - you have used them before. Listen to me - i havent beaten the booze, but i have written a thesis - the comments are never anywhere as hard as you think. Do you have to present? defend? These were easier than I could have imagined. Nobody knows your thesis like you do.

    i didn't comment on the celebration part. but a tiny warning - i found it very hard to happy right away - i had to hide and be numb for a couple hours. its a big thing. no doubt about it. but totally worth it.

    wishing you all the best and many, many thanks.

    take care, S

  5. Sometimes being real sucks ass.

    But the alternative sucks ass more so I'll guess we have to stick with real.


  6. I remember being a teenager and thinking how great it would be when I was an adult...couldn't wait! What the f*ck was wrong with me??? Ha!
    Life is so hard, and so stressful all the time! It's those little moments of amazing, sweet, heart warming, breath taking, ect that keep me semi-sane. I'm trying to remember to slow down and enjoy them as they come. Otherwise it is all just crap.
    I hope your thesis writing goes well, and will be behind you soon! I've never done it, but it doesn't sound fun!

  7. What a great post! i love how you break down what's missing in your life without the drinking and ways you can get them back into your life. Great idea!

    i also liked what you had to say about cigarettes, as it was one of the first things my sponsor told me when i went sober: Think It Through. Follow the thought through to its natural conclusion and you'll realize you don't really want or need it (smoking/drinking) in your life.

  8. Love your list of good things about being sober!
    Just wanted to say hi and let you know that I'm thinking about you.
    xx, Christy

  9. I always thought that as soon as I got Sober (note the gravitas of the capital "S"), that life was going to acquiesce and bow down before me and whisper lovingly to me "I'm yours, whatever you want". Cue the slap in the face. The great thing about being real is that we are actually real. The crappy thing about being real is that we are actually...real. I no longer have an artificial self to morph into (or to hide into, really) and as things come into my path, I am the one who has to deal with it. I have my ways, and I am learning better ways. But the point is that I am always learning. I try to be teachable. The old me wasn't teachable. I wouldn't have it. But as I now go on this path, I see that whatever decisions I make, poor or not, they come from the genuine and authentic me. Which is a scary place, but at least I know I can't blame it on the booze or my alcoholic head space. It's me. And I never had "me" when I was out there drinking.

    Wonderful post!

  10. You are the bees knees Mrs D. I'll bet that thesis ROCKS...just like you do!