Monday, February 11, 2013

Don't care don't care don't care..

So Mr D has had a couple of boozy nights out lately and I've been faced with those feelings of being left out of something... feelings I'm going to live with for the rest of my life...

I'm always going to miss out on boozing along with other people.. and yes, sometimes that will be a bummer but to be quite brutally honest I simply cannot be bothered wasting any time or energy feeling sorry for myself about that.

Yes there will be nights when I sit on the sofa with a mug of green tea watching American Idol instead of slamming shots down at a party or bar.. but fuck it. That's just the way it has to be.

I feel quite aggressive about this inside my head like I can NOT be bothered wasting any energy feeling sorry for myself over this. Because the boozing that I miss out on will only be very rarely... and the rest of the time I'm so happy and pleased to be sober and it doesn't make a damn sight of difference.

It doesn't matter at the library at midday on a Monday if I'm sober. It doesn't matter on Wednesday at 4pm when I'm with my kids at the park. It doesn't matter at 10am on a Friday when I'm driving to a friends house for coffee, or on Sunday at lunch with the family. It doesn't even matter on a Friday night at home having steak and salad for dinner with a nice cold ginger beer. Those times are very do-able sober.

But  yeah, sometimes it will matter a bit because it's a boozy party and people are boozing for fun and I won't be. But so what so what so what. Don't care don't care don't care.  Just cannot be bothered caring.

Big picture wins out here, not 6 hours of woe-is-me.

This is a bit rambling... I'm off to bed now with my printed out thesis draft to continue proof-reading (amazing how many small mistakes and typos I am finding) and to watch some junk TV.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. I'm sure she'd be bursting with pride. You are an amazing and wonderful woman and you've touched so many with your journey.

    How could she be anything but proud. I'm proud to know you.


  2. Great post! I miss partying sometimes! I think the social aspect of it the most and the feeling of a party! But I didn’t partly like other people, and in the end of my drinking I didn’t go to any parties either. I hate that feeling of I can’t they can, but I also can’t get on that pity pot anymore either cause it will get me from the “poor me” to ”pour me another!” So now I spent plenty of nights on the sofa! So what!?!? Don't care!

  3. Your grandmother IS watching you still with immense pride! Proud of you on both fronts! Of this I am SURE! XO

  4. Love this. Every once in a while when I get a little poor me about the partying, I suddenly remember that I don't have any business partying. Partying when you're young is one thing, but partying into your 30s and beyond when you have 2 kids at home, is really kind of sad when I think about it. Plus... it wasn't like that anymore was it? Pretty much every "party" situation I found myself in over the last several years came up sorely lacking. I'd have grand ideas about how awesome it was going to be, and usually everyone else left before I was able to find enough fun.

  5. Your grandmother has been helping you on this journey, standing beside you every step of the way. Proud and joyful, of this I am sure. Xxx

  6. Congrats on the thesis! Wow, what a huge accomplishment that is. It's like writing a novel, but that means something!

    As for the drinking, i think there are always going to be moments (hours) of regret over not being able to drink like others, but on the grand scale of things, i'm sure i regret not drinking less often then i regretted drinking, because there were days while i was still boozing that i hated myself. Thanks for the perspective!

  7. You are forgetting to look at the other side of the drinking coin, my dear. For the last week, I have been surrounded by heavy drinkers that are visiting us. I have planned really cool activities for them, most of them which have gone undone because by the time hangover recuperation is complete in the morning it is too late to hit the road and then there is a mad rush back to the casa for cocktail hour.

    No way in hell am I going to limit my life like that again.

    Your abuela is very proud of you and so am I.

  8. Damn right she's proud!

    I love your perspective. You are so right. Drinking is such a small sector of the pie chart of life. At least for normies. It's just not important.

    What YOU do all day long is important and meaningful and admirable.


  9. Well said, Mrs D!

    I've used my drink tickets in my life. Them's the breaks. I don't worry about the partying - I was a closet drinker so I hadn't seen a bar in a long time, but I certainly did miss sucking vodka back in a coffee cup while on the bus or streetcar on the way to work. The longer I am away from my last drunk, the less I think about what I might be missing. It's not that the thought doesn't come up now and then, but it's just that I don't miss it. I can't go back, and in the end, that's how it needs to be. My kids need a sober, present dad.

    Lovely post, as usual.

  10. This is a great blog and I only found it yesterday ! Thanks. I myself am at 399 days sober today . I ave had all the same type of issues thoughts you have gone through but it is getting easier as I get deeper into sober living. Getting sober is the greatest thing I have ever achieved , I am just sad I wasted so much of my life with alcoHELL. Anyway loving the blog, and well done.

  11. Great stuff like always! It's never easy but you got to just keep fighting.

  12. Hello Mrs. D... how long have you been sober now?