Friday, February 15, 2013

The beast within...

I had a very intense pang the other night. I had my head in the pantry looking for inspiration for what to cook for dinner and there was a bottle of red wine - Mr D's - sitting at the back, just sitting there all innocent (inviting) and I suddenly got hit with this really strong thought: 'I could just take a sip right here with my head inside this cupboard, take a sip and no-one would ever know'. I was so tempted almost to the point of extending my arm and picking it up to do it. It was intense. Like I was seriously tempted. I was tucked away inside the pantry and the kitchen was empty and it all just seemed so easy.

The Beast is Still Within. But I walked away. Fuck the Beast.

Mr D's wine glasses have been winking at me for the past few days. It's emotional. It's all emotional.

Probably no surprise then that I've had some bad sugar binges, I don't think eating Nestle White Choc Bites straight from the packet like I have been for the past half hour is best practice.

I'm just right at the end now of my MA (boring boring to be still going on about this but what can I do? It's a bloody intense process and it's impossible to minimise) and there are a million emotions swirling around - I feel flat, proud, happy, fucking exhausted, bit lost, all mixed in to one, and my self-care has been suffering over the last two months of putting this baby to bed.

I think it'll be really good after next week when it is finally printed and bound and couriered off to the University and I return all my library books and tidy away all my notes and move on.

Moving on entails...

* Getting back to the gym.

* Trying lots of new recipes.

* Relaxing.

* Watching crap TV.

* Tidy up the garden.

* Read lovely novels about love and life and NOT academic texts...

Anyone got any good novel recommendations?

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. Rachel's holiday! (Good trash)

    Well done! You rock!

  2. Marian Keyes is good :) also Cathy Kelly, Sheila O'Flanagan, Jodi Picoult, Anita Shreve, Jean Plaidy, Sharon Penman

  3. Stress blows. I had some tough cravings around 15 months...not sure if that was just normal early-ish sobriety stuff or stress related. You sound like you have some lovely plans for the near future. So many healthy ways to cope with stress and reward yourself. Very happy that you're close to being done with your MA. You're in the homestretch!

  4. I wish I were you right now, minus the sugar binges, of course. To have such a sense of accomplishment at my fingertips, to have that sense of pride that I've finally done the really hard thing, the monumental task, that Herculean feat.

    I'm bursting with pride for you, amiga, and just a wee bit of jealousy.

    Love, love, love ya!

  5. Ahh.. The Beast! This happens to me sometimes too. I open the fridge and bam! Not at my own house but others, which makes it even more tempting in the “no one will know” way. BUT I will know! And unfortunately – well really fortunately sobriety has made me an honest person. (ugh sometimes! Lol) so well “To thine own self be true!” And congrats on almost being done with the thesis! Whoot whoot!

  6. I'm with Kary...bursting with pride and more than a wee bit jealous! I can't imagine what it will be like for you once that baby has left the nest. What it WILL NOT be is an excuse for champagne. Sparkling grape juice will have to do for you missy. :-)

    As for novels...hmmmm...Janet Evanovich has a series of very quick reads that is pure trash and even more purely enjoyable. They start with "One For The Money". Ignore the the books. They are also funny as hell.

    More of my favorites:
    Twilight Saga
    Harry Potter Series
    Fifty Shades of Gray Series (yep...I read them...horrible writing but who the hell cares?)
    The Red Tent (probably one of my all time favorites)
    The Shack
    The Hunger Games Trilogy
    The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Series (hard to get into but oh so worth the trouble)
    Anything by Harlan Coben
    The Help
    Water for Elephants

    I didn't even list all the recovery memoirs...let me know if you want those too.

    Whew! Hope you find something you like.


  7. I literally can't have a drop of alcohol anywhere in my house ... gone in a second - i'll have one sip and then it would turn into 500 sips/gulps/chugs (ha). Thinking those "woe is me" thoughts (which I believe you touched on in your last post) would ALWAYS be my downfall that would ruin any stretch of sobriety I was able to achieve ... I'd go run off with this 'screw it' mentality and drink. It's like I had blinders on (like horses in a horse race!) and I would be running off to the liquor store...any logic/rational would be completely thrown out the window. I don't know what's different about this time around being sober...I still get a little woe is me-ish thinking this sucks, blah blah - but maybe i'm thinking more about all the awful shit/feelings that go along with drinking - i've reached my lifetime quota for alcohol consumption and dealing with all the negative crap that drinking brings to my is 100,000% better without it. Ok well enough rambling :) I so appreciate your honesty and blog!!! Good luck getting that thesis done and over with !!!! xx

  8. Gone Girl- Gillian Flynn, two books by Cheryl Strayed: Wild and Tiny Beautiful Things. Julia Glass is wonderful. Anne Lamott nonfiction. The History of Love- Nicole Krauss, Major Pettigrew's Last Stand- Helen Simonson.

    Hurrah for almost finished! You may want to just lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling for a few hours. :)

  9. Hang in there. Thesis almost done. Tell those pangs to fuck off.

  10. I would also suggest "Gone Girl" and I recently enjoyed "Me Before You" by Jojo Moyes. I am also married to a "normie" and it can be tempting, but then, life is tempting! And, alcohol is legal. So, there you go.

  11. Yep, had some of those lately, and can totally relate to the Fucking Beast, or as I call it, the "what the fuck" vice in my head (or What the hell, but I usually swear...). It's hard! I'm working on writing at a cabin right now for an academic deadline, and surrounded by myself...and tons of wine. Open white bottle in the everywhere, beer, you name it. It's hard, but I'm too excited about three weeks tomorrow to fuck this up. Strange thing is, I want a cigarette. No...I don't smoke. I did occasionally when i was younger, but...weird. I'm going for sugar instead. It's ALWAYS the better alternative! Carry on!!!

  12. Way to tame the beast! Lately, i've been having issues with popcorn (i think) and as i ate tons last night, i've been in a foul mood all day today. This post sure helped!

    Like the proctologist told the sword swallower, "This too shall pass."

  13. Why does Mr. D keep booze in the house?