Pure Unadulterated Joy

I have to share what happened for me on Christmas Day. Far out it was cool.

I was hosting the main meal for extended family - 12 adults and 7 kids at our house. I have to be honest - I was a bit stressed as meal-time approached. There was a lot to co-ordinate!

I had cooked a ginormous turkey and was hoping like hell it wouldn't be overcooked and dry (or undercooked for that matter). I was hoping the veggies would be ok. I was hoping that everyone would like my decorations and be comfortable in their chairs and feel happy to be sitting down to eat at my house.

But I had a lot of help, people bought salads and nibbles and pudding with them, someone took over finishing the gravy and cooking the peas, someone carved the turkey and someone else carved the beef fillet. Someone sorted people out with drinks and someone lit the candles and ...  many lovely hands made for relatively light work!

And then it was time to eat - the call went out - everyone sat down and the dishes got passed around and plates were filled up and word came back that the turkey was tender and juicy and delicious (hooray!) and all of a sudden I got flooded - like seriously FLOODED - with the most intense rush of joy.

It was pure, unadulterated, high-as-a-kite, genuine, authentic joy. Endorphins? A bit of relief mixed in there? Whatever it was it was a very heady mix and I felt so, so, so, so, so, so happy.

I'm telling you - I have been drunk and high hundreds of times in my life and no chemical high could replicate the very real feeling I had in that moment of intense happiness. Not just that moment - the feeling has lasted and lasted. Even now two days later I am basking in the glow of our lovely successful Christmas lunch.

For an hour around that table we shared a beautiful meal, ate & drank & chatted until I felt the need to raise my glass of soft drink and say a few words.

Four to be precise - "It's all about love".

And so it was...

Gentle calmness...

I feel tired today but not too bad. Pottering around getting things ready for Christmas. We have some relatives staying from tomorrow and are hosting Christmas Day dinner for 20-odd (including kids). I am roasting a ginormous turkey and doing some vege - others are bringing salads, pudding etc.

Looking forward to it and keeping on reminding myself that it is LOVE that matters not CLEAN BENCHES!!

Feeling gentle in my sobriety. Not endorphin-rush this is THE BEST WAY TO LIVE!!, nor sad and woe-is-me WHY AM I DIFFERENT FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD?? Just quietly sober, quietly never touching alcohol ever. Quietly happy with the way my life is.

I'm alright.

Things are alright.

Actually maybe I lie. Maybe there is a little bit of elated joy inside me for being free from the booze trap.

I don't regret one percent being unable to moderate alcohol. I love being sober and the challenge it brings. I love the authenticity I am forced into experiencing because I never ever bend my brain or blur my reality.

Yeah - there's a little bit of endorphin-rush joy in there, bubbling below the surface.

In a very lovely, gentle, low-key, calm way.

Because that's what sobriety brings. Gentle calmness.

And that's what I'm feeling right now.

What a lucky lucky girl am I.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Gratitude and Love..

Here's a list of things I am grateful for and that I love..

I am grateful for my drinking problem because it has given me the rich gift of sobriety.

I love my husband and our three sons and our labrador puppy.

I am grateful to my brain for never settling for discomfort and always sending me messages that I need to work on things (like giving up drinking and stopping over-thinking).

I love my sobriety and I love my mindfulness practice. Both of these things have transformed my life.

I am grateful for all the fun times I have had partying in my life because they sure were fun! I am not grateful for the miserable boozing which dominated the end of my drinking career but I am grateful for the memories of those because they will help keep me sober.

I love pop music and fun gatherings and lovely friends and good books and comfy pants and scented candles and fresh flowers and holidays.

I am grateful for living in a safe society where we don't experience fear and misery on a daily basis (like many in the world do).

I love rambling around the hill trails above our house with our dog.

I am grateful for the online communities here on my blog, on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and at Living Sober. (I am giving away a free copy of my book on Facebook this week as a thank you to the growing community there!)

I love all the warmth and honesty and support that gets shared around these online spaces.

I am grateful for my health and my body which does a pretty fine job of containing my brain and moving me around my busy life.

I love soda water, lemons in anything, cheese of any sort, the green smoothie/juices that come out of my nutra ninja thingy, chips and dip, steak with dijon mustard, salads filled with herbs, and white chocolate/coconut ice/ginger crunch when I let myself have it.

I am grateful and I love many things.

Gratitude and love.

What more could you wish for in life?

Love, Mrs D xxx  

Ordinary sober housewifey life..

It's a good thing I'm walking the dog a lot because I am a piggy pig at the moment! Lots of lovely foody treats, but oh well... am not beating myself up too much about it. I can't be bloody perfect (nor do I want to be) so I will continue to have a robust and honest relationship with myself about my sugar and fat intake while allowing myself treats and forever attempting to moderate.

But no alcohol ever!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I can't quite believe that I've just stopped drinking alcohol and will never touch it ever again. But then I slip quickly back into the frame of mind that is well versed in why I have (stopped) and why I won't (ever touch it again).

The more time that goes on the more ordinary and comfortable it gets. Time really is a very kind mistress in terms of changing habits.

I've had a couple of drinking dreams recently but interestingly they haven't left me feeling unsettled like they used to. Drinking dreams have always been rather unnerving but nowadays they're not. Lately in these dreams I'm just telling someone that I don't drink or I'm in a scenario where I'm comfortably sober (it's enough of a feature of the dream that I'll call it a 'drinking dream' but really it's a 'sober dream'!) and I wake up aware that I had this dream but not out of sorts because of it.

FINALLY my subconscious is catching up with my reality.

Quite a bit going on for me socially at the moment - lots of evenings out and a few lunches - but I'm happy being more social than usual (seems like the right time of year for it) and I'm not worrying about my non-drinking status. It just is what it is, this is what I am, and none of my friends seem to care.

I think I'm still fun and interesting! I love that I can always drive myself home! I love that I sleep great every night! I love being sober!!

Mr D is away tonight and so is our middle boy (at a cubs tramp) so me and the other two are going to get Indian takeaways and I'll probably have a choc bar (delicious ice-cream) for pudding while lying on the sofa watching Dance Moms (awfully wonderful Reality TV).

But first I need to put the washing away, feed the dog, vacuum up all the crap off the living room floor, get into my comfy pants and pour myself a large soda water with lemon slices and ice.

Such is my ordinary sober housewifey life.

Love, Mrs D xxx