I've been looking forward to it actually. A chance to show everyone how happy I am sober. Oh clever sober me! Planning nice fresh ginger beer drinks and lime and mint crushed with ice and soda water. Super! Wonderful! Awesome!
But here I am, four sleeps to go, it's nearly midnight, I'm wound up like a top, my brain is whirring and I've just snuck quietly out of the bedroom to come write this blog in the hopes that it will release some of the tension in my thoughts and I can get to sleep.
I think I've been living in a lovely sober bubble for the last however-many days that it's been since I took the wine away (just did a quick check, 106 days). Just me in my house with my lovely husband and sons and my neighbourhood of friends plus family, some close, some far away, all there on the phone and email etc..
And now it's Christmas and everyone is descending on us and I'm doing all the organising (which is fine, I'm an organisational geek) but there's things being said and actions being taken that is the usual stuff of families but it's like brutal fingers are poking, poking, poking at my bubble upsetting my quite delicate equilibrium. I don't think I realised quite how delicate it was.
It doesn't help that I wrote in my last post that I loved 'getting out of it' and I've just been thinking of getting out of it lately. Just getting totally 'out of it'. OUT of it. OUT OF IT. Just getting out of it.
I'ts not going to happen though. Oh no siree bob. No fucking way. I'm going to grit my teeth and get through. And who knows maybe this tension will pass and I'll enjoy myself! I'm sure I will actually. Once everyone is here in one place I can submit to the craziness and look in my boys faces and feel good for them and look in the mirror and feel good for myself because all I have to do is not drink and everything will be alright in the end.
Oh and I've finally gotten organised to get the old photo of me scanned and have posted it on my 'Who Am I?' page so go take a look! Mr D says I haven't aged a bit. Flattery will get you everywhere Mr D.
Love, Mrs D xxxx