I took my boys in to their new school to visit their classrooms today which was great. Everyone was totally welcoming and the Deputy Principal who was taking us in went to great lengths to introduce me to the teachers and some of the parents as well. One mum in my 5-year-old's class said to me 'I must get your email address because we have a class list and sometimes us parents get together for drinks of an evening.'
So there it was right there .. my reality. I am a new person meeting new people in a new city and there's this fact about me which could be seen as semi-embarrassing or shameful.
But you know what. I honestly just cannot be bothered worrying what anyone is going to think. I just can't waste the energy. It is a bummer. It's a fact. It's part of me. I'm an alcoholic and I no longer drink alcohol because I was finding it too hard to control.
And you know what else, I just can't be bothered fudging it either. If people want to think whatever then let them think whatever. I will be open I think and go along to any social gathering like a normal person (of course I am a normal person but you know what I mean!) and when the actual drinks-being-poured-into-a-glass moment comes I'll say 'no wine for me thanks I don't drink alcohol'. And at that point I'll let the other person decide if they want to show a reaction or ask a question and if they do I'll just be up front and say 'I used to be a very enthusiastic wine drinker but I was finding it harder and harder to control so I've cut it out altogether.'
That is an over-simplification of all the emotional and intellectual work that I have been doing over the past couple of years to building up to stopping and then stopping and re-learning how to live without alcohol. But it is the truth! And if that breezy answer makes the whole process I've been through seem more easy than it has been then that can be my lie. If I make it breezy it won't be a drama, for me or for them.
On another note, I think I've turned a corner in terms of how I'm feeling with the house-sale and relocation and stuff. I have been indulging in two naughty behaviors over the past few weeks to help me deal with the stress and strong emotions - shopping and being piggy. But just in the last couple of days I've felt myself getting stronger again and pulling back from both (refrained from scoffing the last of my 2-year-old's chocolate chip muffin today and decided against buying a crafty rug online for the new family room). I still feel sad and a bit flat... but I'm definitely starting to relax, and am sleeping through the night again for the first time in weeks. Next step - find a gym to join and get exercising again!
Love, Mrs D xxx