Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Vulnerable? Odd? Not sure...

Hi all .. just a quick post, realised I'm feeling a bit odd and want to write it out to examine what's going on.  Have decided that I'm going to buy a packet of cigarettes in the grocery shop today and have a sneaky one before I pick the kids up at 3pm.  Haven't had a ciggy since Christmas when I was indulging a little, like it was my 'treat' for getting through the silly season without booze. Some stern talk from my lovelies out in the blog-o-sphere helped me decide that was bloody stupid and I stopped before it became an intrenched habit.  But now I've decided I want one or two.  That I 'need' one or two, or 'deserve' it or something.

Also feel like getting a Red Bull (!!shock horror!!).. I dunno .. this seems kind of minor and silly but the truth is I'm feeling a bit weird and ... vulnerable...?

It's all this talk of the one year soberversary which is looming.  I suddenly feel very overly aware of my 'point of difference' again, my sobriety, my living a dry life.  I feel like it's all very tenuous and delicate.

Mr D had a MONSTER glass of red wine after work yesterday (it was the only one he had but it was probably actually more like 2 1/2 glasses in one glass, it was that big).  It sat on the edge of the bench for 10 minutes or so while he helped get the boys to bed and .. I walked past it a couple of times .. and fuck it was really like looming large in my vision.

And then I let myself totally imagine just grabbing it and sculling it down real fast.  It wasn't an entirely pleasant imagining but I totally went there in my mind.  Like .. it would be just so easy.

Fuck.  This is annoying.  But anyway...

So, off to buy some cigarettes.  You know, for a treat.

And don't worry .. there's nofuckingway I'm going to actually have a drink because I don't do that because I'm an alcoholic and I'm way better off with that booze out of my life and I love being sober and I'm proud of myself and other people are proud of me and oh yes aren't I so clever and strong wow oh wow look at me clever sober fucking clever sober me.

Sorry.

Off to have a ciggy now.

Love, Mrs D xxx

11 comments:

  1. Hang in there girlie! You are vulnerable right now. So punch something (or someone) and have a smoke or a red bull or whatever the hell you want that will ease this feeling for you.

    And then move on with your sober self!!! You are amazing!

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  2. Alright... if you're going to...then I'm going to have my first ever smoke for you too!!

    (Actually no I'm not, I am so square I couldnt think of anything worse... lol)..

    Now, don't get me back on to what IIIII think you should be replacing the booze with....!!! haha. I said it once (and was in the good books with Mr D!).

    What is your ACTUAL sober-versary date again? (perhaps I shouldn't be so lazy and go look at your first post aye?) haha. See ya.

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    1. Okay... is it the 8th of Sept? Ciao.

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  3. Then I'll have another ice cream sandwich, you might look all thin and cool smoking your ciggie but at least I won't have those old lady smoker lips. Actually, I already have them and it really pisses me off since I've never smoked.

    This too shall pass.

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  4. i'm glad for your honest sharing of a shitty time. it reminds me to be aware, even when i'm nearing one year. that we still have triggers, that things can still make us feel wingy. i know you don't want to be our kind and gentle WARNING ... you want smooth sailing. Here, i'll send you some. here's some smooth sailing headed your way ... [the cigarette after all that time off will probably taste disgusting and make you feel light-headed and nauseous. blech.] I think everyone would agree that you deserve a treat. ice cream, tea, facial, manicure. after the cigarette and the redbull, make sure you get a REAL treat, one that says "fucking good job for doing this, as hard as it is." Love to you :)

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  5. The week or so leading up to my one-year mark was a rough one. I don't know why, but it got better and has been pretty even since. Not to say I'm out of the woods or ever will be. I think that tenuous, vulnerable feeling is healthy because then I don't forget that I can't drink normally. And my husband drinks nightly too...he had a big honking glass of red wine last night and I looked at it a couple of times last night and hated it or more accurately the way I still want it sometimes. But not that bad. I want what I have more than that nightmare. Hugs to you...I'm happy for where you are, but also feel for the turmoil because it hurts until it doesn't anymore.

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  6. Mrs D . . . Yes Wow infucking deed!! You are strong and sober and clever.
    Which is far better than drunk, unreal and just thinking you're clever (as we do when we're drunk) . . . So good for you.
    I did enjoy your last paragraph though ;-)
    One year is huge, a lifetime.
    Love sent x

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  7. Nothing would ever make me smoke. Unless I was on fire.

    Perhaps I need to develop some other dodgy habit just in case...I could start enjoying cookies, they seem popular right now! Take care mrs d, Paul.

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  8. Yes Mrs D, you are clever and strong and anyone who knows anything about alcoholism is very proud of you.

    You deserve a treat on your first soberversary. Is a cigarette a treat? Will you have one or two and throw away the rest?

    Have you reread the comments you received on your last foray into smoking?

    Sober anniversaries can be hard especially the first. Something in us wants to breathe a sigh of relief and think, 'Wow, we climbed that mountain, now lets have a drink' My first was fine but my second was hard.

    A lot of AA meetings have cakes and cards and applause and chips (little medals, not potato products) when people have anniversaries.

    The loners like you have a harder time. But we will celebrate with you.

    My husband said at my first anniversary - 'how will you celebrate?' Hard to convey the tone but it was jokey/sarcastic. I just ignored it but it was hard.

    Interesting that Mr D is drinking more at this time too. My husband continues drinking although he is not alcoholic, but my not drinking definitely changed the dynamic of our relationship. Not exactly badly but a change.

    One good thing, he gave up smoking when I gave up drinking. I gave up smoking over 15 years ago but he continued.

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  9. I can relate to the ciggies as a treat, For me they are also a way to show a bit of the rebel. Nobody in my life would care less if I smoke a couple, but for me they are still baaad and therefore attractive. Now to think of other baad and attractive things............? Cant bring myself to read more than the first chapter of "50 Shades" because the writing is so bad (but not in a good way bad) but I believe it has some good ideas....
    I so want your soberversary to be all happiness and wonderful like the self help books. But we do know dont we that that is cliche and this is real life. Hope you are feeling better today.....

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  10. I struggle with my wine intake so reading your blog tonight has been... interesting!

    What I wanted to say was the year my mother died, the days leading up to it I felt like I was going crazy. Mourning is a weird process and you may be in mourning for the drinking. Anything that has been a part of your life for so long has to be missed whether it was good or not.

    Good luck!!!!!

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