Man, it's so interesting going through my old posts....what really strikes me is the fact that I made a hard and firm decision to not drink ever again and I have never wavered from that ever. *Sigh*. Even though it's hard sometimes.
From day one my attitude has been..."throw what you like at me life.. I am meeting you head on, (fucker), with no booze attached." I added that 'fucker' in because it's the perfect word to denote my hard attitude to my alcohol addiction. You've got to be hard and mean and determined to take whatever shit comes and never ever reach for the lovely elixir that numbs stuff away.
That magical elixir that turned on me and became my enemy. I couldn't control my drinking. Once I started drinking alcohol, once my synapses began fizzing with the lovely effects of that gorgeous liquid I was lost. A goner. I just wanted more and more and more. Another glass. Another bottle. I never said no. I never wanted to stop. I loved drinking. I loved loved loved loved drinking wine.
Thankfully I recognised that my lovely friend booze was turning into an enemy, that I couldn't control it no matter how much I tried, no matter how many techniques I employed. I just could not control my intake. I was rapidly getting more and more lost to an alcohol addiction and I decided the only way I could combat that was take the alcohol away completely and so I did.
I've just read Pamela Stephenson's biography "The Varnished Untruth" and there's a great bit in it when she writes about how she gave her husband Billy Connolly - huge crazy boozer - an ultimatum: "It's drink or me".
She writes; "Fortunately, Billy decided that he was going to plump for personal happiness and changed his life to a sober one. It didn't happen all at once; 'one day at a time' was very much the way it went, but he was essentially strong and resolved and, to this day, has not touched alcohol or drugs for nearly thirty years. Billy never entered a rehab programme. He tells people, 'I decided to quit drinking while it was still my idea'."
I decided to quit drinking while it was still my idea too. I'm what they call a 'soft bottom' or 'high bottom' alcoholic. i.e. my 'rock bottom' - the point I reached where my life changed - wasn't as dire as others. For some 'rock bottom' can be sitting in jail, or waking up in hospital, or losing a job or crashing a car or destroying a relationship. My personal (soft) bottom was hiding a nearly empty wine bottle from Mr D and lying about the fact I'd drunk it. My bottom was deception and lies entering into my relationship. That was enough for me.
And so here I sit six hundred and fourteen and a half sober days later. It's mothers day, Mr D is away on work, the house is a total mess, my sons have elected to spend the entire day in their pyjamas, the sun is shining and life is good.
Love, Mrs D xxx