Getting sober is all about white knuckling your way through a period of cravings... resisting urges... identifying addictive thoughts ('I deserve a wine today' actually means 'I need alcohol to feed my addiction')...dealing with *shock horror!* emotions! (holy shit I feel grumpy what do you mean I just have to feel grumpy and not drink alcohol to smooth the feeling away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)...spend a bit of time feeling boring.. then a bit of time realising you're not boring.. then realise that drunk people are boring.. then realise that not everyone else gets drunk all the time... then accept that there are drunks and normies and sober people and you just fit in the middle of a big spectrum of drinking types and it doesn't really matter anyway...
Then you start living sober..
Living sober means having an overall underlying state of calm.. interrupted by phases of emotion that are annoying but manageable.
Living sober means realising that phases of negative, tricky or uncomfortable emotion come along and are annoying.. but that they pass...they come.. and they go..
Living sober means every time you get through a tricky phase sober and wait for it to pass...you feel good about that. You feel great in fact. Great in a low-key, lovely, normal, stable, reliable, respectable way.
Living sober means you start figuring out the other little things that make you feel good about yourself and your life. The really little things. Like enjoying a hot shower.. or drinking a hot drink and really appreciating that hot drink and the way the steam rises off the cup and wafts up into the sunlight. For me it means playing cheesy pop music loudly (still addicted to 'Get Lucky' and another new fave is 'Good Morning' by Chamillionaire).. lighting little candles and popping them in my oil burner to make the house smell lovely.. getting a ton of new cookbooks out of the library and reading them in bed while watching The Voice and eating chocolate biscuits and drinking green tea.
In unrelated news I'm getting my thesis result next week - yikes! Nervous! Can't see how my life is going to change the day before the result and the day after but hopefully if nothing else I'll get some kind of kick out of the fact that I've got a Masters Degree. Will need to celebrate with a lovely mocktail of some description and maybe a new dress. Yes! A thesis dress. Great idea.
Love, Mrs D xxx
And enjoying cooking a treaty dinner sent to you by someone you love... and eating it, appreciating every single mouthful.
ReplyDeleteI have not been by to visit nearly as much as I'd like. I absolutely loved this - very much made me see the overall picture of the journey and not just the day to day piece. I love the idea of perusing through cookbooks while watching The Voice (LOVE that show - and what the heck with the two voted off last week?!?) with your chocolate biscuits and green tea. Have a fabulous weekend!!!
ReplyDeleteI know that you worked through it already, so I'm late to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for continuing to blog. This post rocks..as do you. Your writing is so real, so honest. You inspire me. I needed this today.
ReplyDeleteGreat stuff there, Mrs. D. Couldn't have said it any better. Getting sober is one thing...just like stopping is one thing, but staying stopped is another. Living sober is a whole different thing, and it's a tough thing early on, but it gets better. Doesn't mean crap doesn't happen (oh boy does it) but it's how we react to it and how we let it affect or not affect our lives that is important.
ReplyDeleteLovely post...now get cooking!!
Paul
Hey Mrs D -- love your blog and have been enjoying your archives this week. Really kind, honest and helpful writing.
ReplyDeleteMy own blog's private but I'd gladly add you to the readers list if you'd like.
Thinking about your distinction between getting sober and living sober today -- good stuff. Good luck with the thesis!
a.r.b. xx
Congrats on your master's! And, yes, a thesis dress is a must! When I finally crossed that line between getting sober and living sober, it was an amazing transition. For me, living sober is what it means to truly live my life as God intended me to live it. Being truthful, honest, present - basically just showing up each and every day. Some days are better than others, but I've learned how to deal with it, instead of shrinking away into my addiction. Great post!
ReplyDeleteMrs D....You TOTALLY deserve a Thesis Dress! You worked soooooo long and hard on it all the while living sober. Wow, maybe MULTIPLE dresses!!! And see above? Another very thankful reader that you decided to not give up your gift of blog! You were MEANT to do this! Very proud of you Mrs D, not everyone can write a thesis...I'm sure the grade will be awesome!
ReplyDeleteI love this! It describes the changes I'm going through so well! Living a normal life, enjoying everyday things that I never even used it think about...allll without a single thought of drinking. It is amazing, simply amazing :)
ReplyDeleteI have been reading this blog over a couple of weeks. I am 5 months sober. I have a similar story and I have really appreciated you putting into words such a lot of things that I feel. Today my ds made the decision to have his guinea pig put to sleep as he had cancer. It has been so uncomfortable to sit in sadness with him this evening remembering his beloved pet. I am so glad that I have though, as the example of not numbing my feelings or trying to deny his, although horrible, have been I feel necessary and a good example to my kids. Thank you
ReplyDeleteI adore this post and your description of sober living as "having an overall underlying state of calm.. interrupted by phases of emotion that are annoying but manageable." Yes. It took awhile to get here but I am oh so pleased with sober living.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your thesis dress!
Love this post Mrs. D.....
ReplyDeletethat sense of underlying calm is so wonderful. I am in the process of selling my home of 22 years, it is crazy and emotional and hard and I cannot even imagine what it would be like if I were drinking!
One of the greatest gifts of sobriety for me is getting honest with my emotions...I have them! Sometimes they hurt, sometimes they are wonderful, most of the time I am on a steady, clear pace. I used to drink to numb them; imagine the horrible, surprising day that stopped working for me.
Now I just have them, walk through them...cry, throw things, laugh, eat chocolate, write them out and honestly feel them. The difference has been amazing. Those emotional moments , sometimes annoying, are ALWAYS manageable....it still amazes me. I am still so grateful. I hope that I always am.
You really distilled this for me though...beautiful writing. Thank you.
13 years ago I used to drink "to help cope with pressure" It didn't help, just put the issues off until another day.
ReplyDeleteSince being dry the pressure at times has been greater:
lost my son of 24 in a boating accident - alcohol played no part -, business failure, depression caused by these two happenings, but thank God for His goodness, I didn't go back to drink.
Thinking it will help with pressure is a fallacy.
Living sober is living without regrets. Living sober is living your life to the fullest. :)
ReplyDeleteJust starting my brand new blog, have no idea what Im doing. Im attempting to join the dialogue here and just testing out the posting process.
ReplyDeleteThis blog may have saved my life. Thank you for inspiring me to do what I know must happen.
ReplyDeleteScared Mom
Hello Mrs D
ReplyDeleteI loved this message of hope...
.I feel the calm, the clearness, the beauty of life and then for a reason which I dont know why I pick up that glass again...
Please keep writing...
Emma b.
Very helpful post thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeletems D your.blog is a gem i enjoy it and yes living sober is the thing. I made jello with grapes it was the.sweetest I had ever tasted soooooo grateful
ReplyDeleteSober Livings in Orange County. http://www.soberlivingsinorangecounty.com
ReplyDeleteJust saw you on 20/20 I think you are an amazing inspirational woman and good on you for wanting to help others.
ReplyDeleteJust saw you on 20/20. Thanks for your blog. I am a 26 year old who with the help of loving parents and family stopped drinking a bottle of wine a day. I was losing hours a day to this and my life was centered around alcohol. I now have hours free and a clear head to concentrate on my scriptwriting and screenwriting and produce better work every day. Congratulations to the sober-by-choice.
ReplyDeleteAt the Fourth Dimension we reading the book, "Drop The Rock" as a group. It is a great read for those in both early recovery and those who have long time sobriety!
ReplyDeleteYou fight your battles - win some lose some. But each day is a day between you and addiction. http://soberlivinganaheim.com/
ReplyDeleteLiving sober is my world now..enjoying life and not feeling scared, waking up to a clean smell..not thinking "not thinking how did I get to bed last night then reaching for your worst enemy...treat life with respect....
ReplyDelete